What is the title of the new Vietnamamese
cookbook ?
100 way to wok your dog.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Jokes number : 5
Q. What's worse
than finding a worm in the
apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
than finding a worm in the
apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
Jokes number : 4
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he
replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to
die."
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he
replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to
die."
Jokes number : 3
At a dinner party, one
of the guests, an
obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone
and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he
picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this
pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'
of the guests, an
obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone
and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he
picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this
pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'
Jokes number : 2
What are the four food groups?
For
bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley
and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
For
bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley
and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
Jokes number : 1
A man
went into a deli shop and took a seat
at the lunch counter. "Give me a
corned beef sandwich," he
ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a
sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's
a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue,
bologna, tomato, lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted
raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two
slices of
white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why,
sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One
Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato,
lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white,
untoasted!"
went into a deli shop and took a seat
at the lunch counter. "Give me a
corned beef sandwich," he
ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a
sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's
a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue,
bologna, tomato, lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted
raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two
slices of
white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why,
sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One
Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato,
lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white,
untoasted!"
Jokes number : 100
The
American tourist in Dublin had been
complaining a great deal about the
food.
"Here," he said to the
waitress holding out a piece of meat for
inspection, "do you call
that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked
sweetly.
American tourist in Dublin had been
complaining a great deal about the
food.
"Here," he said to the
waitress holding out a piece of meat for
inspection, "do you call
that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked
sweetly.
Jokes number : 99
A friend and I were standing in line at a
fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big
sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big
sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Jokes number : 98
A lady was picking through the
frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her
family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her
family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Jokes number : 97
Q: Ever wonder
about people who pay $2 for a
bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
about people who pay $2 for a
bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Jokes number : 96
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and
found themselves
being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here
is your oceanside
condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming
pool, and two golf
courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop
by any of the many bars
located throughout the area."
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
found themselves
being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here
is your oceanside
condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming
pool, and two golf
courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop
by any of the many bars
located throughout the area."
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Jokes number : 95
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to
eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during
meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the
question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce,
but now it's
gone.
eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during
meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the
question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce,
but now it's
gone.
Jokes number : 94
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a
32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food
fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began
throwing
sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly
threw the
woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents
spilling to the
floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed
lettuce into the man's mouth.
32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food
fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began
throwing
sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly
threw the
woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents
spilling to the
floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed
lettuce into the man's mouth.
Jokes number : 93
When the waitress in a
New York City restaurant brought
him the soup du jour, the Englishman
was a bit dismayed. "Good
heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she
replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it
now?"
New York City restaurant brought
him the soup du jour, the Englishman
was a bit dismayed. "Good
heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she
replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it
now?"
Jokes number : 92
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I
am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
I
am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Jokes number : 87
A
couple of kids tried using pickles for a
Ping-Pong game. They had the
volley of the Dills.
couple of kids tried using pickles for a
Ping-Pong game. They had the
volley of the Dills.
Jokes number : 86
A new chef from India
was fired a week after
starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
was fired a week after
starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
Jokes number : 84
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker
under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Jokes number : 83
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the
fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just
then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The
fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry
for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him
up again and poured
a little beer down his throat. Then he went
about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his
pant leg. Looking
down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his
mouth...
fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just
then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The
fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry
for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him
up again and poured
a little beer down his throat. Then he went
about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his
pant leg. Looking
down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his
mouth...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Jokes number : 82
Why men like to fishing so much?
They
finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
They
finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Jokes number : 71
Where do you go to meet the
best fish?
It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
best fish?
It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Jokes number : 63
What fish sounds like a telephone?
Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.
Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Jokes number : 57
What do you call a big fish who makes you an
offer you can't refuse ?
The Codfather !
offer you can't refuse ?
The Codfather !
Friday, September 23, 2011
Jokes number : 49
Why are fish cleverer than humans?
Ever
seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
Ever
seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Jokes number : 42
Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea
?
Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key
outside
!
?
Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key
outside
!
Jokes number : 37
What is dry on the outside, filled with water
and
blows up buildings ?
A fish tank !
and
blows up buildings ?
A fish tank !
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Jokes number : 32
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The
first one says to the other "can you smell fish?".
first one says to the other "can you smell fish?".
Jokes number : 31
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a
bird's leg
and a hand ?
Birdsthigh fish fingers !
bird's leg
and a hand ?
Birdsthigh fish fingers !
Jokes number : 29
What bit of fish doesn't make sense ?
The
piece of cod that passeth all understanding !
The
piece of cod that passeth all understanding !
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Jokes number : 23
Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman
who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger
approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful
spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday," he
boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the
stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped
the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet
the biggest liar in the state!"
who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger
approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful
spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday," he
boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the
stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped
the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet
the biggest liar in the state!"
Jokes number : 22
What did Noah do while spending time on the
ark ?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
ark ?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
Jokes number : 20
What is the difference between a fisherman
and a lazy student?
One baits his hook, the other hates his
book.
and a lazy student?
One baits his hook, the other hates his
book.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Jokes number : 18
George went fishing, but at the end of the day
he had not caught one fish.
On the way back to camp, he stopped
at a fish store.
'I want to buy three trout,' he said to the
owner. 'But instead of
putting them in a bag, throw them to
me.'
'Why should I do that?' the owner asked.
'So I can tell everyone
that I caught three fish!'
he had not caught one fish.
On the way back to camp, he stopped
at a fish store.
'I want to buy three trout,' he said to the
owner. 'But instead of
putting them in a bag, throw them to
me.'
'Why should I do that?' the owner asked.
'So I can tell everyone
that I caught three fish!'
Jokes number : 17
Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counselor:
Are you choking?
Lee: No, I'm serious!
Are you choking?
Lee: No, I'm serious!
Jokes number : 16
How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice
fishing?
Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push
the boat
through.
fishing?
Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push
the boat
through.
Jokes number : 15
Q: How many anglers does
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to
brag about how big
the old one was and about the one that they would
have changed, but "It
got away"
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to
brag about how big
the old one was and about the one that they would
have changed, but "It
got away"
Jokes number : 14
Fisherman: What
are you fishing for sonny?
Boy: I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms.
are you fishing for sonny?
Boy: I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms.
Jokes number : 13
What's the difference between an angler and a
dunce?
One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.
dunce?
One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.
Jokes number : 12
Tim once took his small cousin with him while
he went
fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up.
"I'll never do
that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she
frighten off the
fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the
bank and ate
all my maggots."
he went
fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up.
"I'll never do
that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she
frighten off the
fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the
bank and ate
all my maggots."
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Jokes number : 10
The little kid sat on the side of the road
with a fishing line
down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting
to humor him, a lady
gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked "How many
have you caught?"
"You're the tenth this morning," was the
reply.
with a fishing line
down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting
to humor him, a lady
gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked "How many
have you caught?"
"You're the tenth this morning," was the
reply.
Jokes number : 9
An old
lady saw a little boy with a
fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of
tadpoles in his hand walking
through the park one Sunday. "Little
boy," she called, "don't you
know you shouldn't go fishing on a
Sunday?" "I'm not going
fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going
home."
lady saw a little boy with a
fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of
tadpoles in his hand walking
through the park one Sunday. "Little
boy," she called, "don't you
know you shouldn't go fishing on a
Sunday?" "I'm not going
fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going
home."
Jokes number : 8
Retired colonel, talking of the good old days:
Have you ever hunted bear?
His grandson's teacher: No, but
I've been fishing in shorts.
Have you ever hunted bear?
His grandson's teacher: No, but
I've been fishing in shorts.
Jokes number : 7
A
man was fishing in the jungle. After a
while another angler came to
join him. "Have you had any bites?"
asked the second man. "Yes, lots,"
replied the first one, "but they
were all mosquitoes."
man was fishing in the jungle. After a
while another angler came to
join him. "Have you had any bites?"
asked the second man. "Yes, lots,"
replied the first one, "but they
were all mosquitoes."
Jokes number : 6
How many fishermen does it take to change a
light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have
been THIS big.
light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have
been THIS big.
Jokes number : 5
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin,
O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat
there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?"
asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught
anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer
bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said
O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He
handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as
the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming
out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!"
shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a
salmon
by the throat!"
O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat
there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?"
asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught
anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer
bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said
O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He
handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as
the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming
out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!"
shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a
salmon
by the throat!"
Jokes number : 4
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful
beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary
line cast out into the
sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the
warmth of the afternoon sun
and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying
to
relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
fisherman
sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman
was fishing
instead of working harder to make a living for himself
and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that
way," said the businessman
to the fisherman, "you should be working
rather than lying on the
beach!"
The fisherman looked up at
the businessman, smiled and replied, "And
what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?"
asked the fisherman, still
smiling.
The businessman
replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which
will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And
then what will my
reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was
beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman's questions.
"You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
work for you!" he
said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the
fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand?
You can
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world,
and let all
your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again
the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The
businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman,
"Don't you
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have
to
work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day
s
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a
care in
the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up
and said, "And what do you
think I'm doing right now?"
beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary
line cast out into the
sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the
warmth of the afternoon sun
and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying
to
relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
fisherman
sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman
was fishing
instead of working harder to make a living for himself
and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that
way," said the businessman
to the fisherman, "you should be working
rather than lying on the
beach!"
The fisherman looked up at
the businessman, smiled and replied, "And
what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?"
asked the fisherman, still
smiling.
The businessman
replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which
will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And
then what will my
reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was
beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman's questions.
"You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
work for you!" he
said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the
fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand?
You can
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world,
and let all
your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again
the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The
businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman,
"Don't you
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have
to
work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day
s
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a
care in
the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up
and said, "And what do you
think I'm doing right now?"
Jokes number : 3
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day,
when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished
men had settled down enough to speak, the
first guy asked the angel
humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever
since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the
angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the
man felt relief
for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick
glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving. He asked if the
angel could do anything about his poor
eyesight. The angel smiled,
removed the man's glasses and tossed them
into the lake. When they
hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he
could see everything
distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put
his hands out
defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a
disability
pension."
when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished
men had settled down enough to speak, the
first guy asked the angel
humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever
since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the
angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the
man felt relief
for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick
glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving. He asked if the
angel could do anything about his poor
eyesight. The angel smiled,
removed the man's glasses and tossed them
into the lake. When they
hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he
could see everything
distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put
his hands out
defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a
disability
pension."
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Jokes number : 2
A father and son went fishing one day. While
they were
out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the
world around
him. He asked his father, "How does this boat
float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later,
the
boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath
underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A
little
later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy
asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these
questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask
questions, you
never learn nothin'."
they were
out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the
world around
him. He asked his father, "How does this boat
float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later,
the
boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath
underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A
little
later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy
asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these
questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask
questions, you
never learn nothin'."
Jokes number : 1
Two young men were out in the woods on a
camping trip, when
the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed
there all day,
enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the
end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from
college
soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same
place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and
traveled to a spot near where they had
been years before. They
walked into the woods and before long came upon
a brook. One of the men
said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No,
it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover
growing on the
bank on the other side.
To which the other
man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by
it's clover."
camping trip, when
the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed
there all day,
enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the
end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from
college
soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same
place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and
traveled to a spot near where they had
been years before. They
walked into the woods and before long came upon
a brook. One of the men
said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No,
it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover
growing on the
bank on the other side.
To which the other
man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by
it's clover."
Jokes number : 100
Two Virginia rednecks go on
a fishing
trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the
wading
suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I
mean
they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they
don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on
the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day
of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As
they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to
the
other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught
cost
us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's
a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"
a fishing
trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the
wading
suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I
mean
they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they
don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on
the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day
of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As
they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to
the
other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught
cost
us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's
a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"
Jokes number : 99
Two fishermen were out
on the lake when
one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the
wallet float down
to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and
snatched up the
wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a
third
joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time
I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
on the lake when
one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the
wallet float down
to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and
snatched up the
wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a
third
joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time
I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Jokes number : 98
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant
marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning
shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a
dozen baby
minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned
to the first
fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning
shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a
dozen baby
minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned
to the first
fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
Jokes number : 97
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed
her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but
couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several
days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now.
If we
wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed
a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn
towards
the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't
matter which
way the parents positioned the children, the same child
always faced
the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and
Away," suggested
the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that
point on, the boys were
simply known as Towards and Away.
The
years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship,
said
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
ship
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three
whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man
walking
towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What
has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one
whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards
fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a
whole
week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was
pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed
whole, and we never
saw either of them again."
"Oh dear,
that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got
Away...."
her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but
couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several
days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now.
If we
wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed
a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn
towards
the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't
matter which
way the parents positioned the children, the same child
always faced
the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and
Away," suggested
the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that
point on, the boys were
simply known as Towards and Away.
The
years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship,
said
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
ship
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three
whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man
walking
towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What
has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one
whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards
fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a
whole
week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was
pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed
whole, and we never
saw either of them again."
"Oh dear,
that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got
Away...."
Jokes number : 96
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a
tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of
alligators kept
him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
gators around
here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they
ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started
swimming leisurely toward the
shore.
About halfway there he
asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We
didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got
'em."
tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of
alligators kept
him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
gators around
here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they
ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started
swimming leisurely toward the
shore.
About halfway there he
asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We
didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got
'em."
Friday, September 16, 2011
Jokes number : 91
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all
his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One
Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It
was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.
He came in,
went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What a
terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my
idiot went
fishing!"
his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One
Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It
was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.
He came in,
went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What a
terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my
idiot went
fishing!"
Jokes number : 90
Q: What you get when four men go fishing and
one
comes back not catching anything.
A: Three Men And A Baby
one
comes back not catching anything.
A: Three Men And A Baby
Jokes number : 89
Standing at the
edge of the lake, a man
saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The
man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.
I'll give you a
hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached
the woman, put his arm around her, and swam
back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman
said, "Okay, where's my
hundred dollars?"
The man said,
"Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my
wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into
his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?"
edge of the lake, a man
saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The
man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.
I'll give you a
hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached
the woman, put his arm around her, and swam
back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman
said, "Okay, where's my
hundred dollars?"
The man said,
"Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my
wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into
his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?"
Jokes number : 88
I was glad when one fish got
away.
There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us!
away.
There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us!
Jokes number : 87
What do you call a deaf fishing boat
captain?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
captain?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Jokes number : 85
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate
before his wife throws him out?
I don't know the answer but
I think I'm nearly there.
before his wife throws him out?
I don't know the answer but
I think I'm nearly there.
Jokes number : 83
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced
fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The
worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't
make him
truthful.
fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The
worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't
make him
truthful.
Jokes number : 82
"I
caught a twenty pound salmon last
week."
"Were there any witnesses?"
"There sure were. If there
hadn't been, it would have been forty
pounds."
caught a twenty pound salmon last
week."
"Were there any witnesses?"
"There sure were. If there
hadn't been, it would have been forty
pounds."
Jokes number : 81
"I didn't see you in church last Sunday,
Nigel. I
hear you were out playing football instead."
"That's
not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
Nigel. I
hear you were out playing football instead."
"That's
not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
Jokes number : 80
I was given the ultimatum 3
weeks ago. She
said "it's me or your fishing."
Gee I miss her.
weeks ago. She
said "it's me or your fishing."
Gee I miss her.
Jokes number : 79
Henry's son, David, burst into the
house,
crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I
were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big.
Then, while
he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you
shouldn't
be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed
it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
house,
crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I
were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big.
Then, while
he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you
shouldn't
be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed
it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Jokes number : 78
"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"
"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's
not so big!" "Between the eyes?"
"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's
not so big!" "Between the eyes?"
Jokes number : 77
A guy
rings his boss and says "I can't
come to work today
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my
eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I
just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing
instead..."
rings his boss and says "I can't
come to work today
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my
eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I
just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing
instead..."
Jokes number : 76
"Do you really believe your husband when he
tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best
friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having
an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any
fish..."
tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best
friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having
an affair?"
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any
fish..."
Jokes number : 74
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover
when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end
of a
rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A
man helping his
fellow man."
As he was walking away, one
local remarked to the other, "Well, he
sure doesn't know the first
thing about shark fishing."
when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end
of a
rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A
man helping his
fellow man."
As he was walking away, one
local remarked to the other, "Well, he
sure doesn't know the first
thing about shark fishing."
Jokes number : 73
There was a salmon fisherman who was out in
the
ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to
a
deserted island where he had to survive on what he could
find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there
was
a fire pit with California Condor feathers all
around.
He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to
kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest
you."
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it
because
he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
"Out of curiosity" the coastguard asked, "What did it taste like?"
The fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a
snowy
owl and a bald eagle."
the
ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to
a
deserted island where he had to survive on what he could
find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there
was
a fire pit with California Condor feathers all
around.
He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to
kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest
you."
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it
because
he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
"Out of curiosity" the coastguard asked, "What did it taste like?"
The fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a
snowy
owl and a bald eagle."
Jokes number : 72
Mother
to daughter advice: Cook a man a
fish and you feed him for a day. But
teach a man to fish and you get
rid of him for the whole weekend.
to daughter advice: Cook a man a
fish and you feed him for a day. But
teach a man to fish and you get
rid of him for the whole weekend.
Jokes number : 71
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman
drilled a
hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice
said, "There
are no fish down there."
He walked several yards
away and drilled another hole and peered into
the hole and again the
voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about
50 yards away and drilled another hole and again
the voice said,
"There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and
asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's
the rink manager."
drilled a
hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice
said, "There
are no fish down there."
He walked several yards
away and drilled another hole and peered into
the hole and again the
voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about
50 yards away and drilled another hole and again
the voice said,
"There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and
asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's
the rink manager."
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Jokes number : 70
Heard the one about the three blondes that
went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?
By the time they
cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was
time to go
home.
went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?
By the time they
cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was
time to go
home.
Jokes number : 69
A couple of young guys were fishing
at
their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped
the game warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod
down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell and
hot on his heels came the
game warden.
After about a half
mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs
to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught
up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a
valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden.
"You must be about as dumb as a
box of rocks! You don't have to run
from me if you have a valid
license!"
"Yes sir," replied the
young feller. "But my friend back there,
well, he don't have
one..."
at
their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped
the game warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod
down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell and
hot on his heels came the
game warden.
After about a half
mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs
to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught
up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a
valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden.
"You must be about as dumb as a
box of rocks! You don't have to run
from me if you have a valid
license!"
"Yes sir," replied the
young feller. "But my friend back there,
well, he don't have
one..."
Jokes number : 68
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for
always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of
his frequent fishing trips he got a call
that a woman at a
neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her
aid and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so
the Doctor used his
fishing scales.
The baby weighed 22 lbs
10 oz..
always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of
his frequent fishing trips he got a call
that a woman at a
neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her
aid and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so
the Doctor used his
fishing scales.
The baby weighed 22 lbs
10 oz..
Jokes number : 67
Three
fishermen were fishing when they
came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered
them one wish each so the
first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so
the mermaid did it and to his
surprise he started reciting shakespeare.
Then the second
fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the
mermaid did it and
amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't
know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to
quadruple
his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It
will change
your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid
turned him
into a woman
fishermen were fishing when they
came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered
them one wish each so the
first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so
the mermaid did it and to his
surprise he started reciting shakespeare.
Then the second
fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the
mermaid did it and
amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't
know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to
quadruple
his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It
will change
your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid
turned him
into a woman
Jokes number : 66
An Irish priest loved to fly
fish, it was
an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so
bad
that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his
favourite flies out of their box
Strangly though, every Sunday
the weather had been good, but of course
Sunday is the day he has to
go to work.
The weather forcast was good again for the coming
Sunday so he called a
fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice
and be in bed with the
flu. He asked him to take over his
sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast
so
that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was
keeping watch
and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed
that he would
do something about it.
With the first cast of
his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly.
For over an hour
the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the
fish. At
the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned
out
to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why
did you let him catch that huge
fish? I thought you were going to
teach him a lesson."
God replied "I did. Who do you think he's
going to tell?"
fish, it was
an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so
bad
that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his
favourite flies out of their box
Strangly though, every Sunday
the weather had been good, but of course
Sunday is the day he has to
go to work.
The weather forcast was good again for the coming
Sunday so he called a
fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice
and be in bed with the
flu. He asked him to take over his
sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast
so
that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was
keeping watch
and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed
that he would
do something about it.
With the first cast of
his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly.
For over an hour
the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the
fish. At
the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned
out
to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why
did you let him catch that huge
fish? I thought you were going to
teach him a lesson."
God replied "I did. Who do you think he's
going to tell?"
Jokes number : 65
Three
priests were fishing on a boat when
they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across
the water to get some more
bait.
After 2 hours they ran out
of bait again and the second priest said he
would go get more
bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of
fishing they ran out of bait again and the third
priest said he would
get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went
straight to the
bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
"Should we
have told him where the rocks were? "
priests were fishing on a boat when
they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across
the water to get some more
bait.
After 2 hours they ran out
of bait again and the second priest said he
would go get more
bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of
fishing they ran out of bait again and the third
priest said he would
get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went
straight to the
bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
"Should we
have told him where the rocks were? "
Jokes number : 64
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with
two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen
walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky
fishermen and ask "
how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here
holds my legs over the bridge, and I
grab the salmon as they swim up
the river. We got four salmon A great
days fishing!
So the
fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get
to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now
Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when
he
suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks "
do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean,
"there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen
walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky
fishermen and ask "
how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here
holds my legs over the bridge, and I
grab the salmon as they swim up
the river. We got four salmon A great
days fishing!
So the
fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get
to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now
Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when
he
suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks "
do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean,
"there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
Jokes number : 63
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were
having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This
is such a great spot, we need to mark it
so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
The second
blonde replied "Marking the spot."
"Don't be stupid" the first
blonde said. "What if we don't get the
same boat next time?"
having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This
is such a great spot, we need to mark it
so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
The second
blonde replied "Marking the spot."
"Don't be stupid" the first
blonde said. "What if we don't get the
same boat next time?"
Monday, September 12, 2011
Jokes number : 62
One day, two guys Joe and Bob
were out
fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're
fishing by,
and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does
this
until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I
didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the
least I could do. After all I was married
to her for 30 years."
were out
fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're
fishing by,
and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does
this
until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I
didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the
least I could do. After all I was married
to her for 30 years."
Jokes number : 61
The fishing season hasn't opened and a
fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a
stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a
wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh,"
gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a
stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a
wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh,"
gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
Jokes number : 60
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern
Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake
well known
for its fishing
The game warden asked the man, "Do
you have a license to catch those
fish?"
The man replied to
the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!"
the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here
fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their
buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man
looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,
I'll show
you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game
warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and
stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to
the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man respond
ed.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden
prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The
FISH"
"What fish?" the man asked.
Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake
well known
for its fishing
The game warden asked the man, "Do
you have a license to catch those
fish?"
The man replied to
the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!"
the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here
fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their
buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man
looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,
I'll show
you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game
warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and
stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to
the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man respond
ed.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden
prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The
FISH"
"What fish?" the man asked.
Jokes number : 59
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says
to the other, "I am
NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me,
ever again!"
"That bad, huh"
"She did everything wrong! She
did everything wrong! She talked too
much, made the boat rock
constantly, tried to stand up in the boat,
baited the hook wrong, used
the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more
fish than me!"
to the other, "I am
NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me,
ever again!"
"That bad, huh"
"She did everything wrong! She
did everything wrong! She talked too
much, made the boat rock
constantly, tried to stand up in the boat,
baited the hook wrong, used
the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more
fish than me!"
Jokes number : 58
Far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin
and
the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being
harassed
and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally
one day Justin
said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being
a prawn, I wish
I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being
eaten..."
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin
and
the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being
harassed
and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally
one day Justin
said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being
a prawn, I wish
I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being
eaten..."
Jokes number : 57
What did the farmer say when his fat pig
wouldn't fit into the pen?
"There's more there than meets the
sty."
wouldn't fit into the pen?
"There's more there than meets the
sty."
Jokes number : 55
FARMER: Did you sleep well last night?
GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept
pushing at the door.
FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset
when we rent out her
room.
GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept
pushing at the door.
FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset
when we rent out her
room.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Jokes number : 54
Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman
farmer who
moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry.
The
hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig
Latin.
farmer who
moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry.
The
hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig
Latin.
Jokes number : 53
Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving
energy,
he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it,
though. Every time he turns a corner, the
tires squeal
energy,
he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it,
though. Every time he turns a corner, the
tires squeal
Jokes number : 52
Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane,
but
he's not happy with it.
Instead of pointing with the wind,
the pig vane keeps pointing toward
the feed trough.
but
he's not happy with it.
Instead of pointing with the wind,
the pig vane keeps pointing toward
the feed trough.
Jokes number : 50
Why did the farmer feed his
pigs sugar and
vinegar ?
He wanted sweet and sour pork !
pigs sugar and
vinegar ?
He wanted sweet and sour pork !
Jokes number : 49
What did the farmer say when all
his cows
charged him at once ?
I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
his cows
charged him at once ?
I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
Jokes number : 47
What is the difference between a dressmaker and
a
farmer?
A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers
what he
sows.
a
farmer?
A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers
what he
sows.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Jokes number : 45
Did you hear about the farmer
who fed
crayons to his chickens?
He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
who fed
crayons to his chickens?
He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
Jokes number : 44
Camp Woodland was across the
road from a
dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull.
'Is that bull safe?'
someone asked the farmer.
'Safer than you are!' was his answer.
road from a
dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull.
'Is that bull safe?'
someone asked the farmer.
'Safer than you are!' was his answer.
Jokes number : 41
Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated
the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine
boy
and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !
the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine
boy
and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !
Jokes number : 40
A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned
farm
with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields
were grown
over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the
fences were
broken down. During his first day of work, the town
preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God
work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!" A few months
later, the preacher stops
by again to call on the farmer. Lo and
behold, it's a completely
different place. The farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on
feed in well-fenced pens, and
the fields are filled with crops planted
in neat rows. "Amazing!"
the preacher says. "Look what God and you
have accomplished
together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but
remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
farm
with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields
were grown
over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the
fences were
broken down. During his first day of work, the town
preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God
work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!" A few months
later, the preacher stops
by again to call on the farmer. Lo and
behold, it's a completely
different place. The farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on
feed in well-fenced pens, and
the fields are filled with crops planted
in neat rows. "Amazing!"
the preacher says. "Look what God and you
have accomplished
together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but
remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
Jokes number : 39
A Texan farmer goes
to Australia for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
to Australia for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
Friday, September 9, 2011
Jokes number : 38
Q: Why did the farmer call his
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Jokes number : 35
"Tell me," said the hiker to the
local
farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?"
"No, sir,"
replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"
local
farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?"
"No, sir,"
replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"
Jokes number : 34
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But,
as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run
over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the
sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of
these
people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care,
just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erect a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems
to make them go faster."
So, again, the
sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the f
armer called and called and
called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs
are doing no good. Is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was
going to let the farmer do
just about anything in order to have him stop
calling. Well, the
sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the
farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call
him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did.
And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go.
I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to
himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that
sign... There might be something there that WE could
use to slow
down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and
he saw the sign.
It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte
n in large yellow letters
were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run
over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the
sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of
these
people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care,
just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erect a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems
to make them go faster."
So, again, the
sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the f
armer called and called and
called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs
are doing no good. Is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was
going to let the farmer do
just about anything in order to have him stop
calling. Well, the
sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the
farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call
him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did.
And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go.
I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to
himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that
sign... There might be something there that WE could
use to slow
down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and
he saw the sign.
It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte
n in large yellow letters
were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
Jokes number : 32
A farmer
was interviewing a young man for
the job of assistant farmhand.
`You'll need to be fit,' said
the farmer. `Have you ever had any
illnesses? Any
accidents?'
'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches.
You must have had an accident!' said the farmer.
`Oh, the
crutches!' said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week.
But
that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'
was interviewing a young man for
the job of assistant farmhand.
`You'll need to be fit,' said
the farmer. `Have you ever had any
illnesses? Any
accidents?'
'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches.
You must have had an accident!' said the farmer.
`Oh, the
crutches!' said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week.
But
that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'
Jokes number : 31
An old farmer is driving down a country road in
his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops
the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the
problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a
Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down
the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black
woman and
several small black children playing in the
yard.
The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have
Monkey
Wrench?"
"What?" She yells back.
"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He
screams.
"What?"
"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY
WRENCH!!?"
"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops
the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the
problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a
Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down
the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black
woman and
several small black children playing in the
yard.
The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have
Monkey
Wrench?"
"What?" She yells back.
"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He
screams.
"What?"
"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY
WRENCH!!?"
"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Jokes number : 30
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a
stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing
noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do
the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your
cow."
stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing
noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do
the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your
cow."
Jokes number : 29
A husband and wife were driving down a country
lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy
hollow in the road
and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get the car
out by themselves, they saw a young farmer
coming down the lane, driving
some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the
car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes
later
the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole."
lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy
hollow in the road
and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get the car
out by themselves, they saw a young farmer
coming down the lane, driving
some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the
car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes
later
the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole."
Jokes number : 28
An accountant is in a car travelling with a
farmer
client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep
and the farmer says, "You're pretty
good with numbers, Keith. How
many sheep do you reckon are in that
paddock?"
The accountant
looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One
thousand, eight
hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he
says. "How did you work
that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the
accountant "I counted the number of feet and
divided by 4."
farmer
client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep
and the farmer says, "You're pretty
good with numbers, Keith. How
many sheep do you reckon are in that
paddock?"
The accountant
looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One
thousand, eight
hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he
says. "How did you work
that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the
accountant "I counted the number of feet and
divided by 4."
Jokes number : 27
A
farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is
trying to hold the farm together
until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm
work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want
to plant the potatoes. When
is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey,
don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are
buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So
when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
farm
and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
full
days of digging, they don't find one single
weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should
plant the potatoes."
farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is
trying to hold the farm together
until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm
work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want
to plant the potatoes. When
is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey,
don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are
buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So
when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
farm
and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
full
days of digging, they don't find one single
weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should
plant the potatoes."
Jokes number : 26
On a drive in the country, a city slicker
noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig
there
as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know
what I'm talking about," said the city slicker,
"but if you just
shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a
lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to
a pig?"
noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig
there
as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know
what I'm talking about," said the city slicker,
"but if you just
shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a
lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to
a pig?"
Jokes number : 25
There was a
farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked
the farmer: "What do you
use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things
like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection
Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't
eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later,
another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon,
caviar, shrimp,
steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and
I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there
are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the
farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The
hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five
dollars
to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked
the farmer: "What do you
use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things
like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection
Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't
eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later,
another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon,
caviar, shrimp,
steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and
I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there
are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the
farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The
hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five
dollars
to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
Jokes number : 24
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough,
his Father
asked him what he thought of Army life.
"It's
pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best
of
all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
his Father
asked him what he thought of Army life.
"It's
pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best
of
all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
Jokes number : 23
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your
methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree
will
give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be
surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange
tree".
methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree
will
give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be
surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange
tree".
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Jokes number : 22
There was a farmer who raised
watermelons.
He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids
away
for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The
next
day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says
"Warning!! One of
the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to
the
sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week
and when he
looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are
missing but he
notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the
sign which read:
"Now there are two".
watermelons.
He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids
away
for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The
next
day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says
"Warning!! One of
the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to
the
sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week
and when he
looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are
missing but he
notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the
sign which read:
"Now there are two".
Jokes number : 21
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when
out
into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared
under
the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at
the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared. The man,
somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me
to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can
go join the other
chickens that are around the back."
out
into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared
under
the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at
the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared. The man,
somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me
to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can
go join the other
chickens that are around the back."
Jokes number : 20
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving
down the road, when
the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a
farmhouse nearby, the farmer
informed them that he had only one spare
room, and that it had only two
twin beds.
They were welcome
to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
After much
discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few
moments later, a
knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that
there was a
cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly
sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few
moments later, a knock on the
door. The rabbi explained that there
was a pig in the barn and that he,
being very orthodox, could not
possibly spend the evening in the barn
with the origin of
pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments
later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p
ig!
down the road, when
the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a
farmhouse nearby, the farmer
informed them that he had only one spare
room, and that it had only two
twin beds.
They were welcome
to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
After much
discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few
moments later, a
knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that
there was a
cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly
sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few
moments later, a knock on the
door. The rabbi explained that there
was a pig in the barn and that he,
being very orthodox, could not
possibly spend the evening in the barn
with the origin of
pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments
later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p
ig!
Jokes number : 19
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast
for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a
farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his
parachute
failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the
locals
before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here
on a
Sunday.
for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a
farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his
parachute
failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the
locals
before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here
on a
Sunday.
Jokes number : 18
Farmer Brown decided his
injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at
the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer
Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell
him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was
fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer
and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule
Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the
side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible
shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the
accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at h
er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at
me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The
patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot
her. How are YOU feeling'?"
injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at
the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer
Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell
him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was
fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer
and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule
Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the
side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible
shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the
accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at h
er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at
me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The
patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot
her. How are YOU feeling'?"
Jokes number : 17
An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and
yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the
farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh,
Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try!"
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and
yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the
farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh,
Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try!"
Jokes number : 16
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by
her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. All to no
avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable
to the farmer and his new bride.
While
they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter
their
feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service
a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes a
nd say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the
farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a
reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women
would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and
say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then
ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all
booked up for a year.'"
her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. All to no
avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable
to the farmer and his new bride.
While
they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter
their
feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service
a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes a
nd say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the
farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a
reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women
would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and
say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then
ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all
booked up for a year.'"
Jokes number : 15
A New York City yuppie moved to the
country
and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and
livestock
store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up
chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a
lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean
business," the
city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I
need another 100 chicks,"
he said. "Boy, you are serious about this
chicken farming," the man
told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie
replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the
proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I
think I planted that last
batch too close together."
country
and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and
livestock
store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up
chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a
lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean
business," the
city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I
need another 100 chicks,"
he said. "Boy, you are serious about this
chicken farming," the man
told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie
replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the
proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I
think I planted that last
batch too close together."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Jokes number : 14
A farmer in the country has a watermelon
patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways
to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign
that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS
CONTAINS
CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without
eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the
watermelon patch a week later to discover
that none of the watermelons
have been eaten, but finds another sign that
reads: "NOW THERE ARE
TWO!"
patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways
to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign
that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS
CONTAINS
CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without
eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the
watermelon patch a week later to discover
that none of the watermelons
have been eaten, but finds another sign that
reads: "NOW THERE ARE
TWO!"
Jokes number : 13
A man's car stalled on a country
road one
morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and
stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,"
said
the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road
until he met a
farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his
story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked
the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't
listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't
know a thing about
cars."
road one
morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and
stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,"
said
the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road
until he met a
farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his
story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked
the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't
listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't
know a thing about
cars."
Jokes number : 12
A bus load of politicians were driving down a
country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off
the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's
field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked
the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them
politicians lie."
country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off
the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's
field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked
the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them
politicians lie."
Jokes number : 11
A husband and wife were driving down a country
lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch
in
the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get
the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming
down the
lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the car
out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes
later the
car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know,
you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The
husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer,
"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the
young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in
the hole."
lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch
in
the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get
the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming
down the
lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the car
out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes
later the
car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know,
you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The
husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer,
"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the
young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in
the hole."
Jokes number : 9
Q: Why did the farmer call his
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Jokes number : 6
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his
field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
Jokes number : 4
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
Jokes number : 3
A farmer and his brand new bride were
riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the
older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's
once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the
horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to
do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the
older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's
once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the
horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to
do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Jokes number : 2
Rush Limbaugh
and his chauffeur were out
driving in the country and accidentally hit
and killed a pig that had
wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told
the chauffeur to
drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to
the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and
was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the
chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver
had
been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and
his daughter showered me with
kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur
replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just
killed the pig."
and his chauffeur were out
driving in the country and accidentally hit
and killed a pig that had
wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told
the chauffeur to
drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to
the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and
was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the
chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver
had
been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and
his daughter showered me with
kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur
replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just
killed the pig."
Jokes number : 1
A man from the city is out plowing his field
and
gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving
by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over
the city
feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can
I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for
100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he
counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't
work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck
pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says,
"sorry, bad
news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city
feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it
already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do
with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a
dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri
cks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into
each other at
the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that
dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each
and made 98
dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
and
gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving
by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over
the city
feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can
I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for
100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he
counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't
work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck
pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says,
"sorry, bad
news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city
feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it
already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do
with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a
dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri
cks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into
each other at
the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that
dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each
and made 98
dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Jokes number : 100
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just
starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted
out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted
out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
Jokes number : 99
A clergyman walking down a
country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after
it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No
thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like
it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to
a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the
clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of
hay."
country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after
it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No
thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like
it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to
a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the
clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of
hay."
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Jokes number : 98
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
his
land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house in his
town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
his
land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house in his
town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
Jokes number : 97
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher
recently came upon
a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul
the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in
the vineyard of the
Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at
the preacher and continuing his work the farmer
replied, "Naw, these
are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are
you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his
previous answer the farmer
said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be
lookin for Jim Christian. He
lives a mile south of here."
The
young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you
lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the
farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked,
"When's it gonna
be?"
Thinking he had accomplished somet
hing the young preacher replied, "It
could be today, tomorrow, or
the next day." Taking a handkerchief from
his back pocket and
wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well,
don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go
all three days."
recently came upon
a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul
the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in
the vineyard of the
Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at
the preacher and continuing his work the farmer
replied, "Naw, these
are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are
you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his
previous answer the farmer
said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be
lookin for Jim Christian. He
lives a mile south of here."
The
young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you
lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the
farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked,
"When's it gonna
be?"
Thinking he had accomplished somet
hing the young preacher replied, "It
could be today, tomorrow, or
the next day." Taking a handkerchief from
his back pocket and
wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well,
don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go
all three days."
Jokes number : 96
The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when
all
of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off
in
different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to
the repaired
crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly
returned home,
expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got
loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I
managed to find all twelve of
them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You
left with
seven."
with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when
all
of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off
in
different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to
the repaired
crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly
returned home,
expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got
loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I
managed to find all twelve of
them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You
left with
seven."
Jokes number : 95
A man is driving down a country road, when he
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The
farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks
the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out
standing in their field."
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The
farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks
the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out
standing in their field."
Jokes number : 94
Howard County Police officers still
write
their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had
lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the
farmer
directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025
pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard
County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2
sows and 25
pigs."
write
their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had
lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the
farmer
directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025
pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard
County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2
sows and 25
pigs."
Jokes number : 93
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning
against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark
their golden wedding
anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a
pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for
something
that happened fifty years ago."
against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark
their golden wedding
anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a
pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for
something
that happened fifty years ago."
Jokes number : 92
A lone tourist who is passing through the
suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical
problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks
the
car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not
much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it
so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
but
unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
The tourist
winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs
and a broken arm
and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm
animals are all
messed up very badly and the farmer, although
remaining inside the vehicle,
still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These
chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and
blows
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are
all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now!
I'll get nothing for them!" yells
the farmer. With great rage, the
farmer reloads his shotgun and blows
away the pigs.
The
farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit
h
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch
and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the
farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled
back.
suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical
problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks
the
car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not
much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it
so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
but
unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
The tourist
winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs
and a broken arm
and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm
animals are all
messed up very badly and the farmer, although
remaining inside the vehicle,
still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These
chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and
blows
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are
all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now!
I'll get nothing for them!" yells
the farmer. With great rage, the
farmer reloads his shotgun and blows
away the pigs.
The
farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit
h
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch
and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the
farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled
back.
Jokes number : 91
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate
country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a
cat ran
out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out
of kindness
and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife
came to the door,
said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a
cat in front of your
house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this might be hard
to hear, but Iwanted to let you know
instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you
know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up
, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"
country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a
cat ran
out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out
of kindness
and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife
came to the door,
said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a
cat in front of your
house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this might be hard
to hear, but Iwanted to let you know
instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you
know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up
, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Jokes number : 88
The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town
had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his
friends and
family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped
because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard
from the
grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't
worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."
had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his
friends and
family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped
because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard
from the
grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't
worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."
Jokes number : 87
A firefighter died and went to hell where
he finds
a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a
wall, with his friends names under
them, he asked the devil, what the
clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on
earth, their
clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I
don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil
replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're
using it for a
fan."
he finds
a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a
wall, with his friends names under
them, he asked the devil, what the
clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on
earth, their
clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I
don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil
replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're
using it for a
fan."
Jokes number : 86
When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the
foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the
pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a
burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the
extinguisher at the blaze.
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the
foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the
pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a
burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the
extinguisher at the blaze.
Jokes number : 84
During a big fire downtown the firemen
were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor
with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they
had placed a net, but the mother
refused. Things looked grim until a
tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the
women. He said that he was a
professional football player and that he
could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother
finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking
catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised
the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and yelled,
"TOUCHDOWN!!"
were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor
with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they
had placed a net, but the mother
refused. Things looked grim until a
tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the
women. He said that he was a
professional football player and that he
could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother
finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking
catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised
the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and yelled,
"TOUCHDOWN!!"
Jokes number : 83
A fire broke out in a six story apartment
building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a
brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the
fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and
the
Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The
brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled
the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The
firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the
redhead
to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the
redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she
divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with
redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped.
On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled the blanket away
and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters a
gain held up the blanket and the Chief told the
blonde to jump.
The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival
was to
jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two
friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the
brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will
not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK
I'll jump - but first I want you
to lay the blanket on the ground,
back away, and then I'll jump into
it."
building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a
brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the
fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and
the
Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The
brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled
the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The
firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the
redhead
to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the
redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she
divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with
redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped.
On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled the blanket away
and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters a
gain held up the blanket and the Chief told the
blonde to jump.
The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival
was to
jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two
friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the
brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will
not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK
I'll jump - but first I want you
to lay the blanket on the ground,
back away, and then I'll jump into
it."
Friday, September 2, 2011
Jokes number : 82
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee
shop...suddenly
the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and
headed for the
door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know
you were a
fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my
girlfriend's husband is..."
shop...suddenly
the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and
headed for the
door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know
you were a
fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my
girlfriend's husband is..."
Jokes number : 80
A fire started on some grassland near a
farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called
to
put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the
small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a
rural volunteer fire department be
called. Though there was doubt
that they would be of any assistance, the
call was made.
The
volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out
the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily
controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared,
that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for
$1000. A local news reporter
asked the volunteer fire captain what
the department planned to do with
the funds.
"That should be
obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the
brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called
to
put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the
small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a
rural volunteer fire department be
called. Though there was doubt
that they would be of any assistance, the
call was made.
The
volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out
the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily
controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared,
that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for
$1000. A local news reporter
asked the volunteer fire captain what
the department planned to do with
the funds.
"That should be
obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the
brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Jokes number : 76
What usually comes after the monster
lights the birthday candles?
The fire department.
lights the birthday candles?
The fire department.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Jokes number : 73
Q. How do you get down from an aerial
ladder?
A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down
from a
duck.
ladder?
A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down
from a
duck.
Jokes number : 71
Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman
is dead?
A. The remote control slips from his hand.
is dead?
A. The remote control slips from his hand.
Jokes number : 70
When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the
proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand
grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger
to release
the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a
controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot
to
pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade,
remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled
the
extinguisher at the blaze.
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the
proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand
grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger
to release
the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a
controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot
to
pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade,
remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled
the
extinguisher at the blaze.
Jokes number : 69
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
factory. The city
company was losing ground and the owner
was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in
the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give
10,000 dollars to the department that got the
formula. An hour later
no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12
departments couldn't
subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised
the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town
department
drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with
the formula. When asked what they
would do with the money one
said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
factory. The city
company was losing ground and the owner
was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in
the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give
10,000 dollars to the department that got the
formula. An hour later
no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12
departments couldn't
subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised
the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town
department
drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with
the formula. When asked what they
would do with the money one
said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
Jokes number : 68
One day a boy was drowning in a near by
lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the
beach
and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped
on the boys chest. With great
amazement water was pooring from
the boys mouth. Each time the
firefighter pumped more water came
out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then
more
water started coming out of the boys
mouth. The firefighter
feared this would never stop. Just then, a
paramedic arrived and
quickly ran over to the
firefighter and b lurted out. "Hey Chief! You
better get that kids ass
out of the water before you pump that
lake
dry".
lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the
beach
and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped
on the boys chest. With great
amazement water was pooring from
the boys mouth. Each time the
firefighter pumped more water came
out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then
more
water started coming out of the boys
mouth. The firefighter
feared this would never stop. Just then, a
paramedic arrived and
quickly ran over to the
firefighter and b lurted out. "Hey Chief! You
better get that kids ass
out of the water before you pump that
lake
dry".
Jokes number : 67
Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire
Chief two Lotus Notes
Gurus ?
A. FireWeb .... of course!
Chief two Lotus Notes
Gurus ?
A. FireWeb .... of course!
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