Why did the piglets do badly in
school?
They were all slow loiners.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Jokes number : 32
Why did the pig run away from the pig
sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
Jokes number : 30
Why did the pig join a muscle-building
class?
He thought "pumping iron" was a new juice dispenser.
class?
He thought "pumping iron" was a new juice dispenser.
Jokes number : 28
Why did the little piglet fall
in love with
the hog?
Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
in love with
the hog?
Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Jokes number : 21
Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't
like to hide their money in the mattress.
Pigs don't
like to hide their money in the mattress.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Jokes number : 7
What's that pig doing in the middle of the road
with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a
stop swine?
with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a
stop swine?
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Jokes number : 99
What should you say to a pig on roller skates?
Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Jokes number : 86
What do you get when you cross a pig with an
elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
Jokes number : 85
What do you get when you cross a pig with a
canary?
I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and
sings, all
your lights go out
canary?
I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and
sings, all
your lights go out
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Jokes number : 60
What did the
pig do when a beetle landed in
his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before
the others could ask him
to share.
pig do when a beetle landed in
his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before
the others could ask him
to share.
Jokes number : 59
What did the mama pig say
when junior pig
bought a basket of wormy apples?
"Don't tell the farmer. He might
charge us extra."
when junior pig
bought a basket of wormy apples?
"Don't tell the farmer. He might
charge us extra."
Jokes number : 58
What did the mama pig say
to her bad little
piglet?
"Behave or Frankenswine will get you."
to her bad little
piglet?
"Behave or Frankenswine will get you."
Jokes number : 57
What did the fat pig say when the farmer
dumped corn mash into the trough?
"I'm afraid that's all going to
waist."
dumped corn mash into the trough?
"I'm afraid that's all going to
waist."
Jokes number : 56
Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so
quickly?
They squealed on each other.
quickly?
They squealed on each other.
Jokes number : 55
The kids are crazy about a new piglet
toy.
When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.
toy.
When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Jokes number : 54
The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host
What happened?
He turned out to be a big boar.
What happened?
He turned out to be a big boar.
Jokes number : 52
SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three
candles for your party?
PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one
candle.
candles for your party?
PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one
candle.
Jokes number : 50
Pigs don't look very smart to me.
Sure, they
are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a
farmer's
ear?
Sure, they
are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a
farmer's
ear?
Jokes number : 48
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in
school
today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!
MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking
a foreign language.
school
today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!
MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking
a foreign language.
Jokes number : 47
Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen
appliance
that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
appliance
that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Jokes number : 46
Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that
lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
Jokes number : 45
Is lunch the favorite
subject of piglets?
No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
subject of piglets?
No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
Jokes number : 44
Is it true the pigs went over
Niagara Falls in
a barrel?
No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.
Niagara Falls in
a barrel?
No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.
Jokes number : 43
If you drop this book in a pig
pen, what
should you do?
Take the words out of their mouths.
pen, what
should you do?
Take the words out of their mouths.
Jokes number : 42
If an elephant is the
symbol of the Republican
Party and a donkey is the symbol of the
Democratic Party, what is a
pig the symbol of?
Any party where there's lots of food.
symbol of the Republican
Party and a donkey is the symbol of the
Democratic Party, what is a
pig the symbol of?
Any party where there's lots of food.
Jokes number : 41
I told you not to let those pigs In my office.
Now, look what's happened.
They've eaten all the dates off my
calendar!
Now, look what's happened.
They've eaten all the dates off my
calendar!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Jokes number : 37
How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No
problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens.
You must have
a very large chicken house.
No
problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens.
You must have
a very large chicken house.
Jokes number : 32
Have you heard about the pig who took up disco
dancing?
He liked to swing his weight around.
dancing?
He liked to swing his weight around.
Jokes number : 31
FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves
you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and
kisses.
you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and
kisses.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Jokes number : 26
Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage
In November?
She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.
In November?
She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.
Jokes number : 25
Did you hear about the pigs
who took up
motorcycling?
They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
who took up
motorcycling?
They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
Jokes number : 24
Did you hear about the pig's vacation?
They
had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up
as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
They
had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up
as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
Jokes number : 23
Did you hear about the piglets
who wanted to
do something special for mother's day?
What did they do?
They
threw a sowprize party.
who wanted to
do something special for mother's day?
What did they do?
They
threw a sowprize party.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Jokes number : 22
Did you hear about the pig who tried to
start
a hot-air balloon business?
He couldn't get it off the ground.
.
start
a hot-air balloon business?
He couldn't get it off the ground.
.
Jokes number : 20
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly
being asked to
look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time
these items were
directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration
over this when it
happened yet again, one of her sons remarked:
"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:"
being asked to
look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time
these items were
directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration
over this when it
happened yet again, one of her sons remarked:
"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:"
Jokes number : 19
Father:
" I know the answer to your bad
grades. You're spending too much time
watching television."
Son:
" I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a
question."
" I know the answer to your bad
grades. You're spending too much time
watching television."
Son:
" I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a
question."
Jokes number : 18
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143
from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your
car is missing.
from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your
car is missing.
Jokes number : 17
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used
be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..
Son: Dad, at
your age, he had become the Prime Minister of
England.
be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..
Son: Dad, at
your age, he had become the Prime Minister of
England.
Jokes number : 16
Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot
off.
Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the
floor.
off.
Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the
floor.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Jokes number : 14
Father: I want to take my girl our of this
terrible math
class.
Teacher: But she's top of the
class.
Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.
terrible math
class.
Teacher: But she's top of the
class.
Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.
Jokes number : 13
Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My
sister's
fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.
Dad: No, I'm not
coming out. She's going to have to learn to look
after herself.
sister's
fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.
Dad: No, I'm not
coming out. She's going to have to learn to look
after herself.
Jokes number : 12
Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you
to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.
It's all right Dad, I
know how !
to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.
It's all right Dad, I
know how !
Jokes number : 11
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to
his father's
annoyance.
'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more
times have I got to tell you to
come down the stairs quietly? Now,
go back up and come down like a
civilised human being.'
There
was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
'That's
better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down
stairs like
that?'
'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'
his father's
annoyance.
'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more
times have I got to tell you to
come down the stairs quietly? Now,
go back up and come down like a
civilised human being.'
There
was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
'That's
better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down
stairs like
that?'
'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'
Jokes number : 10
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad
?
Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after
Christmas !
?
Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after
Christmas !
Jokes number : 9
Did
you hear about the little boy who was
named after his father ?
They called him Dad !
you hear about the little boy who was
named after his father ?
They called him Dad !
Jokes number : 8
Mrs. Ellis came home from
work one evening
to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She
raced into
the kitchen where her husband was making dinner.
"Hey!" she
announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew
lighting a cigar!"
"You put a stop to that right now," he shouted.
"That
kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"
work one evening
to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She
raced into
the kitchen where her husband was making dinner.
"Hey!" she
announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew
lighting a cigar!"
"You put a stop to that right now," he shouted.
"That
kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"
Jokes number : 7
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's
father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage.
"Sir,"
he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and
"
"See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter
needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."
father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage.
"Sir,"
he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and
"
"See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter
needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."
Friday, September 14, 2012
Jokes number : 6
During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young
girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they
sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed
a
baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then
turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it
turned again and came back.
"Do you see that baseball cap?"
said the girl. "First it goes
downstream, then turns around and
comes back."
"Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning
he said that
come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass
today."
girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they
sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed
a
baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then
turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it
turned again and came back.
"Do you see that baseball cap?"
said the girl. "First it goes
downstream, then turns around and
comes back."
"Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning
he said that
come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass
today."
Jokes number : 5
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at
the dinner table when the boy
suddenly blurted out,
"Gee,
you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything."
"Now, son," scolded
Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your
mother's little
faults."
the dinner table when the boy
suddenly blurted out,
"Gee,
you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything."
"Now, son," scolded
Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your
mother's little
faults."
Jokes number : 4
"Dad," said Rickey, "what is electricity?"
"Uh," replied his father, "I don't really know too much about
electricity."
A few minutes later the boy said, "How does gas
make the engine go?"
"Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about
motors." "Dad," said the
boy, "what is anthropology?"
"Anthropology?"
The father frowned. "I really don't know."
"Gee,
Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself." "Not at all,
son. If
you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
anything."
"Uh," replied his father, "I don't really know too much about
electricity."
A few minutes later the boy said, "How does gas
make the engine go?"
"Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about
motors." "Dad," said the
boy, "what is anthropology?"
"Anthropology?"
The father frowned. "I really don't know."
"Gee,
Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself." "Not at all,
son. If
you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
anything."
Jokes number : 3
Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip
and asked her
husband,
"How did Greg do on his history
exam?"
"Oh, not so good," he replied.
"But it wasn't his
fault. They asked him about things that happened
before he was
born!"
and asked her
husband,
"How did Greg do on his history
exam?"
"Oh, not so good," he replied.
"But it wasn't his
fault. They asked him about things that happened
before he was
born!"
Jokes number : 2
"Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions,"
said the father. "I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd
asked as many questions when I was a boy."
"Perhaps," said
the boy, "you'd've been able to answer some of
mine."
said the father. "I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd
asked as many questions when I was a boy."
"Perhaps," said
the boy, "you'd've been able to answer some of
mine."
Jokes number : 1
"Honey," said Mrs.
Beldon to her
husband,
"Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia."
"Encyclopedia, my eye!" exclaimed Beldon.
"Let him walk to
school like I did."
Beldon to her
husband,
"Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia."
"Encyclopedia, my eye!" exclaimed Beldon.
"Let him walk to
school like I did."
Jokes number : 100
Down at the
office Bostwick boasted to one
of his buddies,
"My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham
Lincoln.
Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten
years old.
Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!"
office Bostwick boasted to one
of his buddies,
"My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham
Lincoln.
Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten
years old.
Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!"
Jokes number : 99
At dinner, Seth said to his father,
"Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your
fault."
"How's that?" asked the master of the house.
"Remember I asked
you how much $500,000 was?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"Well,
'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer."
"Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your
fault."
"How's that?" asked the master of the house.
"Remember I asked
you how much $500,000 was?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"Well,
'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer."
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Jokes number : 98
"What are you reading?" demanded
the father
of his seven-year-old.
"A story about a cow jumping over the
moon," was the reply.
"Throw that book away at once," he
commanded.
"How many times have I told you you're too young to read
science
fiction?"
the father
of his seven-year-old.
"A story about a cow jumping over the
moon," was the reply.
"Throw that book away at once," he
commanded.
"How many times have I told you you're too young to read
science
fiction?"
Jokes number : 97
An irate father stormed into the principal's
office. "I demand to know," he screamed, "why my son Winslow was
given a zero on his English examination."
"Now, don't get
excited," said the principal. "We'll get your
Winslow's English
teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation."
A few minutes
later, the English teacher arrived.
"Why did you give Winslow a
zero on his English final?" demanded the
father.
"I had no
choice," said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper
with
absolutely nothing on it."
"That's no excuse," shouted the father.
"You could have at least
given him an 'A' for neatness!"
office. "I demand to know," he screamed, "why my son Winslow was
given a zero on his English examination."
"Now, don't get
excited," said the principal. "We'll get your
Winslow's English
teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation."
A few minutes
later, the English teacher arrived.
"Why did you give Winslow a
zero on his English final?" demanded the
father.
"I had no
choice," said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper
with
absolutely nothing on it."
"That's no excuse," shouted the father.
"You could have at least
given him an 'A' for neatness!"
Jokes number : 96
Talbot and his son James were
called to
Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom.
"Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I
asked James 'Who shot Abraham
Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't
do it!"
"Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he
didn't do it he
didn't do it!"
Father and son left the school,
and on their way home Talbot turned to
the boy and asked, "Tell me,
son, did you do it?" '
called to
Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom.
"Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I
asked James 'Who shot Abraham
Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't
do it!"
"Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he
didn't do it he
didn't do it!"
Father and son left the school,
and on their way home Talbot turned to
the boy and asked, "Tell me,
son, did you do it?" '
Jokes number : 94
"Dad, why do you write so slow?" asked
Dennis. "I have to," replied his father. "I'm a slow reader."
Dennis. "I have to," replied his father. "I'm a slow reader."
Jokes number : 93
"Dad, do you believe in Buddha?" "Why, of
course, but I think
margarine is just as good."
course, but I think
margarine is just as good."
Jokes number : 92
"Papa, who was Hamlet?"
"You birdbrain!
Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he
was."
"You birdbrain!
Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he
was."
Jokes number : 91
Young Bobby was
being fitted for glasses,
and his father, standing beside him, said,
"Now, remember, son.
Don't wear them when you're not looking at
anything."
being fitted for glasses,
and his father, standing beside him, said,
"Now, remember, son.
Don't wear them when you're not looking at
anything."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Jokes number : 90
Father:
Don't you think our son gets his
brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Don't you think our son gets his
brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Jokes number : 89
"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"
asked Rupert.
"Okay," replied his father, "but don't stand too
close."
asked Rupert.
"Okay," replied his father, "but don't stand too
close."
Jokes number : 88
Son: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If
you'd put things away, you'd know where to find
them.
Father: If
you'd put things away, you'd know where to find
them.
Jokes number : 87
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history
he was reading and asked his father, "Pop, what's a millennium?"
"Well," he muttered, "I think it's something like a centennial,
only it has more legs!"
he was reading and asked his father, "Pop, what's a millennium?"
"Well," he muttered, "I think it's something like a centennial,
only it has more legs!"
Jokes number : 86
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and
two days later sent him home with a ransom note.
His parents
immediately sent the kid back with the money.
two days later sent him home with a ransom note.
His parents
immediately sent the kid back with the money.
Jokes number : 85
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he
let
out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother
said, "Don't you dare use that kind of language in here." "William
Shakespeare did," replied Ben. "Well, you'd better stop going around
with him," said Mom.
let
out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother
said, "Don't you dare use that kind of language in here." "William
Shakespeare did," replied Ben. "Well, you'd better stop going around
with him," said Mom.
Jokes number : 84
We spend the first twelve months of our
children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four
years telling
them to sit down and shut up!
children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four
years telling
them to sit down and shut up!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Jokes number : 81
What's another name for an parent?
Someone
who's stopped growing except around the waist.
Someone
who's stopped growing except around the waist.
Jokes number : 78
Q: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Jokes number : 77
A small boy is sent to bed by his
father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had
your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?"
father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had
your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?"
Jokes number : 76
A very successful businessman had a meeting
with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family,"
said the man. "To show you how much we care for
you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory
every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll
work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family,"
said the man. "To show you how much we care for
you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory
every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll
work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
Jokes number : 75
Martin had just received his brand new drivers
license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the
car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back
seat, directly behind the newly
minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of
scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me
all these
years."
license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the
car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back
seat, directly behind the newly
minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of
scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me
all these
years."
Monday, September 10, 2012
Jokes number : 74
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young
son stop urinating
in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother
lectured him, "that from time to time,
young children will urinate
in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving
board!?!?"
son stop urinating
in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother
lectured him, "that from time to time,
young children will urinate
in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving
board!?!?"
Jokes number : 73
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the child asked
for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother
said quietly, "Now Ellen, we
just have half of the aisles left to go
through; don't be upset. It
won't be long."
He passed the
Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any,
she
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry.
Only
two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The
man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where
the
little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch
eck out
stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a
nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how
patient you were with
little Ellen..."
The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm
Ellen."
with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the child asked
for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother
said quietly, "Now Ellen, we
just have half of the aisles left to go
through; don't be upset. It
won't be long."
He passed the
Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any,
she
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry.
Only
two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The
man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where
the
little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch
eck out
stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a
nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how
patient you were with
little Ellen..."
The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm
Ellen."
Jokes number : 72
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The
bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In
a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her
sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was
wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and
said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to
insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give
him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good
idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
The
bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In
a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her
sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was
wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and
said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to
insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give
him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good
idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
Jokes number : 71
There was this little kid who had a bad
habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he
didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his
mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.
The boy points to
an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I
know what you've
been doing!"
habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he
didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his
mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.
The boy points to
an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I
know what you've
been doing!"
Jokes number : 70
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks
to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child
to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman
deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a
little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first
breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the
baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child
to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman
deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a
little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first
breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the
baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
Jokes number : 69
There was a woman who was pregnant with
twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into
a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached.
While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person
around
to name her children was her brother.
When the mother
came out of her coma to find she had given birth and
that her
brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he
wasn't
a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something
absurd
or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the
twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What
did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh,
wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The
second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name
him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into
a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached.
While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person
around
to name her children was her brother.
When the mother
came out of her coma to find she had given birth and
that her
brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he
wasn't
a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something
absurd
or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the
twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What
did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh,
wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The
second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name
him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
Jokes number : 68
Four
expectant fathers were in a
Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in
labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations
sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man
said with some obvious pride. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
second man,
"You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow,
that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I
work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live
this
one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing
cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
third man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his
wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could
reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
r
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't
believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing
this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy,
who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and,
after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse
asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking thought. I
work at the 7-11 Store."
expectant fathers were in a
Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in
labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations
sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man
said with some obvious pride. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
second man,
"You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow,
that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I
work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live
this
one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing
cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
third man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his
wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could
reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
r
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't
believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing
this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy,
who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and,
after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse
asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking thought. I
work at the 7-11 Store."
Jokes number : 67
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
expected
at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel
the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his
teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the
boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into
tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
expected
at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel
the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his
teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the
boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into
tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Jokes number : 66
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest
questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok
ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the
doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or
does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to
doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!
questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok
ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the
doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or
does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to
doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!
Jokes number : 65
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed
the
wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you
have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well,
no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and
eleven
children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't
think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want
to
get."
the
wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you
have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well,
no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and
eleven
children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't
think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want
to
get."
Jokes number : 64
For two solid hours, the lady
sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him about her
grandchildren. She
had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of
the
children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire
conversation on
her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the
talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you
certainly have something to
say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?"
sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him about her
grandchildren. She
had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of
the
children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire
conversation on
her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the
talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you
certainly have something to
say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?"
Jokes number : 63
On a
flight to Florida, I was preparing my
notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an
educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me
explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me."
flight to Florida, I was preparing my
notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an
educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me
explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me."
Jokes number : 62
When our second child was on the way, my wife
and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the
news to the older
child. It went like this:
"Some parents,"
she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to
bring another child into this family.' But think
about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the
news to the older
child. It went like this:
"Some parents,"
she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to
bring another child into this family.' But think
about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
Jokes number : 61
One day, a grandpa and his grandson
go
golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving
him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the
grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over
that
tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
tree
and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added
the
grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet
tall."
go
golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving
him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the
grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over
that
tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
tree
and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added
the
grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet
tall."
Jokes number : 60
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we
don't know where the hell she is.
started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we
don't know where the hell she is.
Jokes number : 59
A grandmother was telling her
little
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in
our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
little
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in
our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Jokes number : 57
How can you tell that
you're getting old?
You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
you're getting old?
You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
Jokes number : 56
Do you think my skin is starting to show its
age?"
"I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles."
age?"
"I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles."
Jokes number : 55
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a
new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab
tests,
the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his
age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking
the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor
asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no," Edgar
replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued
ribs?"
Edgar said, "No, I've
heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"
"Do you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the
doctor
asked.
"No, I don't," Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or run around
with women?"
"No,"
Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."
The good doctor
looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you
want to live to
be 80?"
new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab
tests,
the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his
age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking
the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor
asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no," Edgar
replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued
ribs?"
Edgar said, "No, I've
heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"
"Do you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the
doctor
asked.
"No, I don't," Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or run around
with women?"
"No,"
Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."
The good doctor
looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you
want to live to
be 80?"
Jokes number : 54
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week
to play cards.
One day they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at
me... I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't
remember your name. I've thought and thought, but
I can't recall
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just looked at
her.
Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week
to play cards.
One day they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at
me... I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't
remember your name. I've thought and thought, but
I can't recall
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just looked at
her.
Finally
she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Jokes number : 53
An 80-year-old man is having his annual
checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been
better!" he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my
child! What
do you think about that?"
The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a
story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun."
"So he's in the woods," the
doctor continues, "and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a
bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else
must have shot that bear," the man
said.
"Exactly."
checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been
better!" he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my
child! What
do you think about that?"
The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a
story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun."
"So he's in the woods," the
doctor continues, "and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a
bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else
must have shot that bear," the man
said.
"Exactly."
Jokes number : 52
"Grandma, why don't you
drink tea
anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got
stuck in my
throat."
drink tea
anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got
stuck in my
throat."
Friday, September 7, 2012
Jokes number : 50
Why is it easy to break in to an old man's
house?
Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
house?
Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
Jokes number : 49
How can you tell an old person from a young
person?
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same
time.
person?
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same
time.
Jokes number : 47
Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two
nights.
Harry: Why's that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The
doctor put it in plaster and told her
she shouldn't walk upstairs.
You should hear the row when she climbs up
the drainpipe.
nights.
Harry: Why's that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The
doctor put it in plaster and told her
she shouldn't walk upstairs.
You should hear the row when she climbs up
the drainpipe.
Jokes number : 46
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy
country village, and
asked one of the locals the age of the oldest
inhabitant.
"Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one
now. He died
last week."
country village, and
asked one of the locals the age of the oldest
inhabitant.
"Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one
now. He died
last week."
Jokes number : 45
Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy
today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and
walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing
of it.
Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of
it
myself.
today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and
walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing
of it.
Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of
it
myself.
Jokes number : 44
Worried because they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.
Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angrywith you."
"With me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
Timmy.
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.
Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angrywith you."
"With me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
Timmy.
Jokes number : 43
A wise old
gentleman retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment. Then a new school
year began. The very next afternoon three young
boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily
on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion
continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it
was
time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see
you express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the
same thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do
your thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-u
p job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer
greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he
told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on
the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased,
but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?"
"A lousy
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're
nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
gentleman retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment. Then a new school
year began. The very next afternoon three young
boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily
on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion
continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it
was
time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see
you express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the
same thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do
your thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-u
p job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer
greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he
told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on
the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased,
but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?"
"A lousy
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're
nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Jokes number : 42
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road
when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: "It
makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says,
"We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four
more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel
younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: "It
makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says,
"We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four
more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel
younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
Jokes number : 41
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't
have babies.
They would put them down somewhere and forget where
they left
them.
have babies.
They would put them down somewhere and forget where
they left
them.
Jokes number : 40
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed
a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, "You can go home
now."
a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, "You can go home
now."
Jokes number : 39
How do you get four old ladies to say the F
word?
Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
word?
Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
Jokes number : 38
"What's wrong, sonny?"
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!" So the old
man sat
down and wept too.
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!" So the old
man sat
down and wept too.
Jokes number : 36
Two really
old guys decided they would go
out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to
the
second, "My eyesight
isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball
for
me?".
The
second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first
old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns
to
his
buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his
buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, "I can't
remember."
old guys decided they would go
out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to
the
second, "My eyesight
isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball
for
me?".
The
second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first
old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns
to
his
buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his
buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, "I can't
remember."
Jokes number : 35
What's the worst thing about having to kiss
Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
head.
Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
head.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Jokes number : 34
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout
wife
were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the
man's
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde
bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked "How in
the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?" The old man whispered back,
"Easy. I told her I was
90!"
wife
were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the
man's
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde
bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked "How in
the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?" The old man whispered back,
"Easy. I told her I was
90!"
Jokes number : 33
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your
husband?" he
asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.
"Two years oder
than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said.
"Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your
husband?" he
asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.
"Two years oder
than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said.
"Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
Jokes number : 32
A tiny but
dignified old lady was among a
group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on
earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He
smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a
mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady,
"why isn't
it?"
dignified old lady was among a
group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on
earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He
smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a
mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady,
"why isn't
it?"
Jokes number : 31
A little Italian grandfather comes
up to
Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to
declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
up to
Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to
declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
Jokes number : 30
A strained voice called out through the
darkened
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
darkened
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
Jokes number : 29
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
Jokes number : 28
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the
lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the
lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
Jokes number : 27
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was
in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell
anyone."
in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell
anyone."
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Jokes number : 26
A group of senior
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the
coffee."
"I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my
dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still
drive."
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the
coffee."
"I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my
dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still
drive."
Jokes number : 25
One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door
of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house
answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
that
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
to yard
work, to painting..."
"Painting?" the woman jumped
in.
"Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man
replied, his
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
some work.
"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
surprise him.
"Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
extra bonus."
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.
nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.
"That was
quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.
"Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,"
the man says.
"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"
of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house
answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
that
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
to yard
work, to painting..."
"Painting?" the woman jumped
in.
"Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man
replied, his
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
some work.
"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
surprise him.
"Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
extra bonus."
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.
nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.
"That was
quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.
"Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,"
the man says.
"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"
Jokes number : 24
An eighty
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so
you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
er
write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife
said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it
down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to
write that
down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, "You forgot my
toast."
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so
you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
er
write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife
said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it
down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to
write that
down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, "You forgot my
toast."
Jokes number : 23
An elderly couple were
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
by the
highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, "What did
he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you
were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did
he
say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, "I
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
by the
highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, "What did
he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you
were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did
he
say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, "I
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Jokes number : 22
Two elderly women were
staring at the
numbers of
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
if
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their
floor.
staring at the
numbers of
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
if
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their
floor.
Jokes number : 21
One day a lady was driving on the
Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed
within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror,
much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make
matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She
thought
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not
drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and
everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car
pulled over to the side right
behind her car. She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down
the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve
it. A policeman walked up to
her window, and spoke to her. The lady
pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman
smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm
here to
tell you that your horn is stuck."
Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed
within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror,
much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make
matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She
thought
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not
drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and
everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car
pulled over to the side right
behind her car. She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down
the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve
it. A policeman walked up to
her window, and spoke to her. The lady
pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman
smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm
here to
tell you that your horn is stuck."
Jokes number : 20
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith
and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her
front
porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived
an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would
shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly
lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood
on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM
HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!"
The
next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped
from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping
up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them.
Praise the Lord!"
and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her
front
porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived
an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would
shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly
lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood
on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM
HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!"
The
next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped
from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping
up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them.
Praise the Lord!"
Jokes number : 19
Two police officers saw this old woman
staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too
much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just
drive
her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the
officers
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove
through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she
would say as she
stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They
drove awhile longer
and asked again, again the same response as she
stroked his arm "Your
Passionate". The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for
two hours and you still haven't told
us where you live. She replied I
keep trying to tell you: "Your
Passin It!"
staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too
much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just
drive
her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the
officers
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove
through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she
would say as she
stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They
drove awhile longer
and asked again, again the same response as she
stroked his arm "Your
Passionate". The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for
two hours and you still haven't told
us where you live. She replied I
keep trying to tell you: "Your
Passin It!"
Monday, September 3, 2012
Jokes number : 18
A small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. And he,too,
has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."
At
this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for
contempt within 5 minutes!"
first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. And he,too,
has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."
At
this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for
contempt within 5 minutes!"
Jokes number : 17
Two elderly
couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred
replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological
techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference
for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went
blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower
with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes,
that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the
name of
that clinic?"
couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred
replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological
techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference
for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went
blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower
with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes,
that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the
name of
that clinic?"
Jokes number : 16
An elderly widow and
widower were dating
for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her
to marry.
She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer
was! "Was she happy? I think so,
wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of
trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a
call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying
'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was."
widower were dating
for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her
to marry.
She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer
was! "Was she happy? I think so,
wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of
trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a
call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying
'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was."
Jokes number : 15
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house
in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house
in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
Jokes number : 14
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy
life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
in a
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy
life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Jokes number : 13
There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
was
going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First
day I see".
The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
cards
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help
herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too." "That's okay.",
said the old man, "I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
of them
anyhow."
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
was
going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First
day I see".
The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
cards
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help
herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too." "That's okay.",
said the old man, "I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
of them
anyhow."
Jokes number : 12
Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the
third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the
third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Jokes number : 11
When
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Jokes number : 10
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!
Jokes number : 9
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Jokes number : 8
Worried because
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
Timmy.
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
Timmy.
Jokes number : 7
Two
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!"
Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!"
Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Jokes number : 6
The Senate is investigating
deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
never
see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.
deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
never
see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.
Jokes number : 5
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down
to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
lap.
The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the
teeth."
to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
lap.
The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the
teeth."
Jokes number : 4
An 80 year
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He
replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can
remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replies,
"Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
will forget
that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice,
he says, "I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that." He
then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
toast."
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He
replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can
remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replies,
"Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
will forget
that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice,
he says, "I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that." He
then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
toast."
Jokes number : 3
An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Jokes number : 2
Three ladies were discussing the
travails
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
of
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one
responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
problem.
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
travails
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
of
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one
responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
problem.
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Jokes number : 1
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a
modest home
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally
the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your
thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up jo
b on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted
the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but
they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few
days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give
you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?"
"A lousy
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste
our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
modest home
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally
the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your
thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up jo
b on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted
the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but
they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few
days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give
you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?"
"A lousy
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste
our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Jokes number : 100
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will
three times!"
problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will
three times!"
Jokes number : 97
An eight-year-old kid says
t his dad, "When
I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says, "I am sorry --
can't have it both ways."
t his dad, "When
I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says, "I am sorry --
can't have it both ways."
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