If - H 2 O - is on the inside of
a
fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K 9 P
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Jokes number : 64
Seems
the Shah of Iran was visiting
Disneyland with his young son. The son
seemed to be having a good
time
but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah
asked,
"What do you really want, Son?" The
Son said, "A Mickey
Mouse Outfit." With that, the Shaw went out and
bought him a uniform
from the
neighboring Fire Department.
the Shah of Iran was visiting
Disneyland with his young son. The son
seemed to be having a good
time
but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah
asked,
"What do you really want, Son?" The
Son said, "A Mickey
Mouse Outfit." With that, the Shaw went out and
bought him a uniform
from the
neighboring Fire Department.
Jokes number : 63
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When
he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly
gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in
line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let
me in. I'm a
fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to
wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back
of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red
lights and a man got
out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to
attention and let the
chief enter heaven. The waiting fire
chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you
let that fire chief go through and not me?" To
which the angels
replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's
a Fire Chief."
he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly
gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in
line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let
me in. I'm a
fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to
wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back
of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red
lights and a man got
out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to
attention and let the
chief enter heaven. The waiting fire
chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you
let that fire chief go through and not me?" To
which the angels
replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's
a Fire Chief."
Jokes number : 62
A fireman and
policeman died and both
went to heaven where they were issued their wings with
the
warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well,
everything went well for some time then
one day they passed
a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman
turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to
pick them up the
policemans wings fell off.
policeman died and both
went to heaven where they were issued their wings with
the
warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well,
everything went well for some time then
one day they passed
a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman
turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to
pick them up the
policemans wings fell off.
Jokes number : 61
Q: Did you know that the three wise men
were firemen?
A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).
were firemen?
A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).
Jokes number : 60
here were these 3 Riverside City Firemen
who always went bird hunting
together and they always rented
a
hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would
always hold point and find any
birds they shoot. One year they
did't go hunting and the farmer rented
Rex out to some Corona City
Firemen
who used him that season. The next year the Riverside guys
went to rent
Rex from the farmer for hunting but
the farmer had
bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any
good for
hunting and didn't have a
replacement for him and to tell the Corona
firemen they were not
welcome there any more and that if he saw
them
he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex. The R.F.D.
guys asked the farmer what the
Corona boys did that could be so bad.
Well the farmer said last year
when they rented Rex it all started
off fine
until one of the Corona guys decided to rename him. We
ll whats wrong
with that they asked. The farmer said
they
renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark
all the
time.
who always went bird hunting
together and they always rented
a
hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would
always hold point and find any
birds they shoot. One year they
did't go hunting and the farmer rented
Rex out to some Corona City
Firemen
who used him that season. The next year the Riverside guys
went to rent
Rex from the farmer for hunting but
the farmer had
bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any
good for
hunting and didn't have a
replacement for him and to tell the Corona
firemen they were not
welcome there any more and that if he saw
them
he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex. The R.F.D.
guys asked the farmer what the
Corona boys did that could be so bad.
Well the farmer said last year
when they rented Rex it all started
off fine
until one of the Corona guys decided to rename him. We
ll whats wrong
with that they asked. The farmer said
they
renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark
all the
time.
Jokes number : 59
Three firefighters
went out on a
hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief.
The weather
was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across
an
old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down
his cards and
said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes
later, the rookie came
back with a nice four point buck.
The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied,
"I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said, "I've had enough
of this I am going to get
my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The
chief asked, "how
did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked
out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this
buck." The
chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am g
oing to bag the biggest buck of the
day." He came back an hour
later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what
happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there
five
hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a
train."
went out on a
hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief.
The weather
was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across
an
old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down
his cards and
said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes
later, the rookie came
back with a nice four point buck.
The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied,
"I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said, "I've had enough
of this I am going to get
my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The
chief asked, "how
did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked
out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this
buck." The
chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am g
oing to bag the biggest buck of the
day." He came back an hour
later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what
happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there
five
hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a
train."
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Jokes number : 58
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look
out
the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in
the afternoon.
out
the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in
the afternoon.
Jokes number : 57
Q: Have you seen the
polish mine
detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with
your foot.
polish mine
detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with
your foot.
Jokes number : 56
Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to
the counter
but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.
the counter
but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.
Jokes number : 54
Q: Have you heard about the new
Iraqi Air
Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands
above your head and leave them
there.
Iraqi Air
Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands
above your head and leave them
there.
Jokes number : 53
Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry
in tide?
Because it's too cold out-tide!
in tide?
Because it's too cold out-tide!
Jokes number : 51
What did the Eskimo schoolboy say to the
Eskimo schoolgirl?
What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like
this?
Eskimo schoolgirl?
What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like
this?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Jokes number : 50
What did the Eskimo children
sing when
their principal was leaving?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
sing when
their principal was leaving?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Jokes number : 48
At the Russian War College, the general is a
guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will
focus
on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades,
looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our
enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood
is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally
one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people
and they are about 1.5 billion. How
can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in
the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs,
and the
Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir
," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will
focus
on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades,
looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our
enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood
is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally
one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people
and they are about 1.5 billion. How
can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in
the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs,
and the
Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir
," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
Jokes number : 45
Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert.
When one gets something blown into his eye. His companion takes a
look
at his eye for him and says, "Hold still Abdul, it might be
sand."
When one gets something blown into his eye. His companion takes a
look
at his eye for him and says, "Hold still Abdul, it might be
sand."
Jokes number : 44
They say that it's
tough to learn Bosnian
because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one
present, and no
future.
tough to learn Bosnian
because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one
present, and no
future.
Jokes number : 43
There were three explorers, hiking through what
is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the
explorers, "we should name this place
we're hiking through."
"I
know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and
then
make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go
first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named
Canada...
is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the
explorers, "we should name this place
we're hiking through."
"I
know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and
then
make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go
first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named
Canada...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Jokes number : 41
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the
phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so
many Wongs that someone's
always Winging the Wong number.
phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so
many Wongs that someone's
always Winging the Wong number.
Jokes number : 39
Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the
Egyptian woman?
A: "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a
mummy!"
Egyptian woman?
A: "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a
mummy!"
Jokes number : 38
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are
wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they
come
upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the
Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club,
so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat
the
heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I
seem to have lost my
appetite."
wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they
come
upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the
Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club,
so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat
the
heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I
seem to have lost my
appetite."
Jokes number : 37
Q: Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide?
A: Because it was too cold outside.
A: Because it was too cold outside.
Jokes number : 36
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy
are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine
off
the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men.
''We have
plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man. Next, the
Cuban guy
throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did
you do that?''
asked the other men. ''We have plenty of cigars in
Cuba,'' said the
Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up
the Cuban man and
throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do
that for?'' asked the French
man. ''We have plenty of Cubans in
America,'' answered the American
man.
are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine
off
the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men.
''We have
plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man. Next, the
Cuban guy
throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did
you do that?''
asked the other men. ''We have plenty of cigars in
Cuba,'' said the
Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up
the Cuban man and
throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do
that for?'' asked the French
man. ''We have plenty of Cubans in
America,'' answered the American
man.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Jokes number : 33
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's
wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are
there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including
the
three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police
station where
a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid
sirs, that we
believe your wives were killed in the fire at the
department store. However
the fire was so intense we cannot identify the
bodies. Only their
handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify
your wives' handbags from
these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify
one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags
accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief
in
peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the
Englishman opens
his wife's handbag and rummages through the conte
nts, finally pulling
out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and
says "All these years married
and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a
half-empty
bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah
didnae ken ma
missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's
handbag onto the floor, looks through
the contents and picks up a
half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints
preserve us! All dese years
an oi never knew me wife was a man."
wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are
there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including
the
three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police
station where
a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid
sirs, that we
believe your wives were killed in the fire at the
department store. However
the fire was so intense we cannot identify the
bodies. Only their
handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify
your wives' handbags from
these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify
one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags
accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief
in
peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the
Englishman opens
his wife's handbag and rummages through the conte
nts, finally pulling
out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and
says "All these years married
and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a
half-empty
bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah
didnae ken ma
missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's
handbag onto the floor, looks through
the contents and picks up a
half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints
preserve us! All dese years
an oi never knew me wife was a man."
Jokes number : 31
One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him
what he
wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his
mission, the minister decided to ask
him a question.
"God,"
he said, "What is heaven like?"
God replied, "Well, normally I
don't tell people this, but since you
are my servant, I guess I
can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It
will have the best of
everything. For example, the French will be the
chefs; the Italians
will be the lovers; the English will be the
policeman; the Germans
will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the
politicians!"
The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he
asked.
"Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the
Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the
Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."
what he
wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his
mission, the minister decided to ask
him a question.
"God,"
he said, "What is heaven like?"
God replied, "Well, normally I
don't tell people this, but since you
are my servant, I guess I
can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It
will have the best of
everything. For example, the French will be the
chefs; the Italians
will be the lovers; the English will be the
policeman; the Germans
will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the
politicians!"
The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he
asked.
"Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the
Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the
Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."
Jokes number : 29
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese
Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the
insect to the Chinese and the beer to the
Englishman and buys
himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of
throwing the insect into his mug,
relates the issue to Kashmir, asks
the Chinese for military aid and
takes a loan to buy another mug of
beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese
Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the
insect to the Chinese and the beer to the
Englishman and buys
himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of
throwing the insect into his mug,
relates the issue to Kashmir, asks
the Chinese for military aid and
takes a loan to buy another mug of
beer.
Jokes number : 27
Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one
is the Irishman?
A: The one on the motorbike.
is the Irishman?
A: The one on the motorbike.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Jokes number : 25
Q: Why did the Italian boy want to grow
a
mustache?
A: So he could look like his mama.
a
mustache?
A: So he could look like his mama.
Jokes number : 23
Q: Did you know they are taking out all the
K-Marts in Afghanistan?
A: They are putting in TARGETS!!!
K-Marts in Afghanistan?
A: They are putting in TARGETS!!!
Jokes number : 22
This
small Latino man walks into a bar,
sits, and orders a beer. A big man
comes in, taps him on his shoulder,
and says, "You're sitting in my
seat!"
The same Spanish
man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again
taps him on
his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat.
The same
Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't
see
your name on it."
He sits down again and orders still another
beer. "The man says...I
know Karate!"
The small Latino man
says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A
GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF
I HAVE A KNIFE!"
small Latino man walks into a bar,
sits, and orders a beer. A big man
comes in, taps him on his shoulder,
and says, "You're sitting in my
seat!"
The same Spanish
man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again
taps him on
his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat.
The same
Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't
see
your name on it."
He sits down again and orders still another
beer. "The man says...I
know Karate!"
The small Latino man
says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A
GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF
I HAVE A KNIFE!"
Jokes number : 21
There were
three men working at the top of
a building. One was Chinese, one was
Mexican, and the other one was
Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and
the top of the building
the Mexican guy pulled out a taco and he said
if I get another taco
I am gonna jump off this bulding tomorrow. The
Chinese guy pulled
out fried rice and said if I get fried rice tomorrow
I'm gonna jump
off with you. The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and
said if I
get another ham sandwich I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you
guys
too. The next day the Mexican guy got a taco so he jumped off. The
Chinese guy got fried rice so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham
sandwich so hey jumped off the building. The next day their wives had a
triple funeral and the Mexican guy's wife was crying and she said
I
could have made him a burrito or something. The Chinese guy's
wife was
cring and said I could have made him some sushi. Th
e Polish guy's wife
couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked
what was so funny? She
stopped for a second and said that he had
always made his own lunch.
three men working at the top of
a building. One was Chinese, one was
Mexican, and the other one was
Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and
the top of the building
the Mexican guy pulled out a taco and he said
if I get another taco
I am gonna jump off this bulding tomorrow. The
Chinese guy pulled
out fried rice and said if I get fried rice tomorrow
I'm gonna jump
off with you. The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and
said if I
get another ham sandwich I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you
guys
too. The next day the Mexican guy got a taco so he jumped off. The
Chinese guy got fried rice so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham
sandwich so hey jumped off the building. The next day their wives had a
triple funeral and the Mexican guy's wife was crying and she said
I
could have made him a burrito or something. The Chinese guy's
wife was
cring and said I could have made him some sushi. Th
e Polish guy's wife
couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked
what was so funny? She
stopped for a second and said that he had
always made his own lunch.
Jokes number : 20
Q: What's the slowest thing in the
world?
A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
world?
A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
Jokes number : 19
A White man explaining to a Mexican man says
that there are three
words the Mexican needs to know in order to be
all right in the city: The
White man says these words are: green,
pink, and yellow. Then the White
man says ''Now tell me a sentence
using all three words.'' The
Mexican says ''I hear de telephona
ah greena greena, I pink up de phona
and say ah yellow?"
that there are three
words the Mexican needs to know in order to be
all right in the city: The
White man says these words are: green,
pink, and yellow. Then the White
man says ''Now tell me a sentence
using all three words.'' The
Mexican says ''I hear de telephona
ah greena greena, I pink up de phona
and say ah yellow?"
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Jokes number : 18
Canada, in view of recent events, will be
changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That
way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the
flag.
changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That
way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the
flag.
Jokes number : 17
A boy from France
comes to America. He
wants to learn some new words so he goes to the
airport and learns
"take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and
"baby" from the
hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I
learned new words
today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you
learn?" He says,
''Takeoffzebrababy!''
comes to America. He
wants to learn some new words so he goes to the
airport and learns
"take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and
"baby" from the
hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I
learned new words
today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you
learn?" He says,
''Takeoffzebrababy!''
Jokes number : 16
A Texan, a Russian, and
a New Yorker go
into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the
steak you might not get one as
there is a shortage due to the mad
cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a
shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
a New Yorker go
into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the
steak you might not get one as
there is a shortage due to the mad
cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a
shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
Jokes number : 15
Q: How many Osamas does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves
lightbulb?
A: None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Jokes number : 10
Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes
to visit a
temple on a top of Mt. Abu, where the roads are like a
zig-zag.
At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells Sardarji
that it
will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt.
Abu as
there will be no space at the top to turn around up there.
So, as per the guidelines given by the man, The Sardarji, goes to
the
top of Mt. Abu in reverse.
After sometime the Sardarji
comes down of the hill in reverse..
When the man sees him, he
asks the Sardarji why he came down the hill
in a reverse gear.
The Sardarji replies that he got some space at the top of the hill
so
he reversed his car.
to visit a
temple on a top of Mt. Abu, where the roads are like a
zig-zag.
At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells Sardarji
that it
will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt.
Abu as
there will be no space at the top to turn around up there.
So, as per the guidelines given by the man, The Sardarji, goes to
the
top of Mt. Abu in reverse.
After sometime the Sardarji
comes down of the hill in reverse..
When the man sees him, he
asks the Sardarji why he came down the hill
in a reverse gear.
The Sardarji replies that he got some space at the top of the hill
so
he reversed his car.
Jokes number : 9
Once there were two chinese
gentlemen named
Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were neighbors but happened to be
very
competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he
named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr.
Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store
and
he named it SHOE DO WE.
gentlemen named
Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were neighbors but happened to be
very
competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he
named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr.
Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store
and
he named it SHOE DO WE.
Jokes number : 8
Q: What do you get when you cross and Chinese
and a Mexican man?
A: A car thief who can't drive!
and a Mexican man?
A: A car thief who can't drive!
Jokes number : 6
A man once asked Gandhi what he thought
of
western civilization.
Ghandi replied, ''I think it would be a
good idea.''
of
western civilization.
Ghandi replied, ''I think it would be a
good idea.''
Jokes number : 5
Q: What happened to the Indian who drank too
much tea?
A: He drowned in his teapea.
much tea?
A: He drowned in his teapea.
Jokes number : 4
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman
were
sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The
Englishman says,
''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord
buys you a
drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not
impressed and says,
''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you
buy a drink the
landlord buys you five.'' At this point the
Englishman is fairly
impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says
''That's nothing. In
Dublin there's this pub where the landlord
buys your drinks all night, and
then when the bar shuts he takes
you into a room and makes love to
you.'' The Scot and Englishman
are well impressed and ask if the Irishman
goes there a lot. He
replies ''No, but my sister told me about
it.''
were
sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The
Englishman says,
''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord
buys you a
drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not
impressed and says,
''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you
buy a drink the
landlord buys you five.'' At this point the
Englishman is fairly
impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says
''That's nothing. In
Dublin there's this pub where the landlord
buys your drinks all night, and
then when the bar shuts he takes
you into a room and makes love to
you.'' The Scot and Englishman
are well impressed and ask if the Irishman
goes there a lot. He
replies ''No, but my sister told me about
it.''
Jokes number : 3
An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at
his
hotel if there's any place around where he can get American
food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place
that just
opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and orders a
pizza. Thirty minutes
later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza. The
businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the
delivery man, ''What the heck did you
put on this pizza?'' The
delivery man bows deeply and says,
''We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.''
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at
his
hotel if there's any place around where he can get American
food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place
that just
opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and orders a
pizza. Thirty minutes
later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza. The
businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the
delivery man, ''What the heck did you
put on this pizza?'' The
delivery man bows deeply and says,
''We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.''
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Jokes number : 1
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One
of them then pulls
out an expensive looking pocket watch from his
pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!"
says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my
grandfather," says the guy
with the watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
of them then pulls
out an expensive looking pocket watch from his
pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!"
says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my
grandfather," says the guy
with the watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Jokes number : 5
Q: Why did the Jews wander in
the desert
for forty years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
the desert
for forty years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
Jokes number : 4
Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to
kill
himself by
.swallowing 100 pain killers?
A: After two he
began to feel better.
kill
himself by
.swallowing 100 pain killers?
A: After two he
began to feel better.
Jokes number : 2
How many Serbs does in take to change a
Lighbulb?
It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
Lighbulb?
It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Jokes number : 85
A tourist from the United
States of America
is at a resturant
in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the
best
country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He
says,
"Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front
of the
White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President
Clinton is a
bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The
Cuban waiter replies,
"We have that same freedom in Cuba. I
could stand in front of El
Capital and yell the same thing and
nothing would be done to me
too!"
States of America
is at a resturant
in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the
best
country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He
says,
"Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front
of the
White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President
Clinton is a
bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The
Cuban waiter replies,
"We have that same freedom in Cuba. I
could stand in front of El
Capital and yell the same thing and
nothing would be done to me
too!"
Jokes number : 84
Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in
Iowa?
They couldn't find three wise men!!!
Iowa?
They couldn't find three wise men!!!
Jokes number : 83
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God
went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
found
him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?". God sighed a deep
sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
look my
child, look what I've just finished making. Archangel
Michael looked
puzzled and said what is it? God replied, "its another
planet, but this
time, I' ve decided to put LIFE on it. I've named
it earth and
there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America. North
America is
going to be rich and South America is going to be poor,
and the narrow
bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here.
I've put a continent of white people in the
North and another one of
black people in the South".
And then
the archangel said, "and what's that long white line
there?"
And God said "ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud -
Aotearoa - (New Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be
the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers,
streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going
to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be fond
of travelling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard
working and high
achieveing. And I'm going to give them this
superhuman, undefeatable rugby
team which will be blessed with the most
talented, and charasmatic
specimens on the planet, and they will be
admired and feared by all who come
across them". Michael the archangel
gasped in wonder and admiration
but then seeming startled
proclaimed, "hold on a second, what about the
BALANCE, you said ther was
going to be a balance....."
God replied wisely, "wait until you see
the neighbours I'm going to
give them".
went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
found
him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?". God sighed a deep
sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
look my
child, look what I've just finished making. Archangel
Michael looked
puzzled and said what is it? God replied, "its another
planet, but this
time, I' ve decided to put LIFE on it. I've named
it earth and
there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America. North
America is
going to be rich and South America is going to be poor,
and the narrow
bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here.
I've put a continent of white people in the
North and another one of
black people in the South".
And then
the archangel said, "and what's that long white line
there?"
And God said "ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud -
Aotearoa - (New Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be
the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers,
streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going
to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be fond
of travelling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard
working and high
achieveing. And I'm going to give them this
superhuman, undefeatable rugby
team which will be blessed with the most
talented, and charasmatic
specimens on the planet, and they will be
admired and feared by all who come
across them". Michael the archangel
gasped in wonder and admiration
but then seeming startled
proclaimed, "hold on a second, what about the
BALANCE, you said ther was
going to be a balance....."
God replied wisely, "wait until you see
the neighbours I'm going to
give them".
Monday, August 8, 2011
Jokes number : 82
A visitor from Holland was
chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red,
white
and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our
taxes,"
he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get
our
tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with
us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red,
white
and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our
taxes,"
he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get
our
tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with
us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
Jokes number : 81
One Scot came back from work earlier then usual
and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.
- Oh my God, I
hope it is her lover.
and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.
- Oh my God, I
hope it is her lover.
Jokes number : 80
Two Scots,
father and son, go to
America.
- Daddy, when we'll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.
father and son, go to
America.
- Daddy, when we'll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.
Jokes number : 79
An
American man, a Russian man, and an
African man were all up in a
hot-air balloon together. After a few
minutes, the Russian man put his hand
down through the clouds. "Aaah!"
he said. "We're right over my
homeland."
"How can you
tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he
replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you
know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of
the
desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the
clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the
African were amazed. "How do you know all of
that?" they
exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
American man, a Russian man, and an
African man were all up in a
hot-air balloon together. After a few
minutes, the Russian man put his hand
down through the clouds. "Aaah!"
he said. "We're right over my
homeland."
"How can you
tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he
replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you
know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of
the
desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the
clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the
African were amazed. "How do you know all of
that?" they
exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
Jokes number : 78
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were
without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics
but
hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was
very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the
Englishman came upon
construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing
a length of
scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"Johnson, the pole
vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman,
overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When
he came up
with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and
said,
"McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed
the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give
up when he spotted
his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he
presented himself
at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics
but
hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was
very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the
Englishman came upon
construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing
a length of
scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"Johnson, the pole
vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman,
overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When
he came up
with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and
said,
"McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed
the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give
up when he spotted
his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he
presented himself
at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
Jokes number : 77
Recently, Germany
conducted some scientific
exploration involving their best scientists. Core
drilling samples
of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the
core
examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running
many
arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced
that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone
network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed. So
they ordered their own scientists to take their core
samples at a depth of
100m. From these samples, they found small pieces
of glass and soon
announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago
already had a nationwide
optical fibre network.
Irish
scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement,
they
ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but
found
absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000
h
years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they
already had a
mobile telephone network in place.
conducted some scientific
exploration involving their best scientists. Core
drilling samples
of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the
core
examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running
many
arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced
that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone
network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed. So
they ordered their own scientists to take their core
samples at a depth of
100m. From these samples, they found small pieces
of glass and soon
announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago
already had a nationwide
optical fibre network.
Irish
scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement,
they
ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but
found
absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000
h
years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they
already had a
mobile telephone network in place.
Jokes number : 76
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one
Scottish, are out walking
along the beach together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. "I will give you each
one wish, that's three wishes in
total", says the
Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his
Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans
full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye
FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed,
so he
said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that
no one
will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of
the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall
around
England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50
feet
thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or ou
t."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Scottish, are out walking
along the beach together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. "I will give you each
one wish, that's three wishes in
total", says the
Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his
Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans
full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye
FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed,
so he
said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that
no one
will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of
the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall
around
England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50
feet
thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or ou
t."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Jokes number : 75
Scorcher Murphy was selling his
house, and
put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales
blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it,
he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say
there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part
with."
house, and
put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales
blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it,
he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say
there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part
with."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Jokes number : 74
Pat and
Mick landed themselves a job at a
sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat
yelled: "Mick! I lost me
finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn!
There goes another one!"
Mick landed themselves a job at a
sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat
yelled: "Mick! I lost me
finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn!
There goes another one!"
Jokes number : 73
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and
said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it,
child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a
day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl,
and said, "My dear, I
have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only
a mistake."
said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it,
child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a
day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl,
and said, "My dear, I
have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only
a mistake."
Jokes number : 72
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A:
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
A:
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
Jokes number : 68
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner
when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted,
"Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured
Mick. "Next to the Strong
Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and
Oi'll pull ye right
out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and
pulled and pulled to no
avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts,
Mick said to Paddy,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong
Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will
help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted,
"Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured
Mick. "Next to the Strong
Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and
Oi'll pull ye right
out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and
pulled and pulled to no
avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts,
Mick said to Paddy,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong
Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will
help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
Jokes number : 67
A cop pulled up
two Irish drunks, and asked
to the first, "What's your name and
address?"
"I'm Paddy
O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the
second drunk,
and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I
live in
the flat above Paddy."
two Irish drunks, and asked
to the first, "What's your name and
address?"
"I'm Paddy
O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the
second drunk,
and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I
live in
the flat above Paddy."
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Jokes number : 66
O'Connell was staggering home with a
pint
of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
pint
of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Jokes number : 65
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were
driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They
all
decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had
passed 50
miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting
on his front porch that evening when he saw the
white guy top the
horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that
the white guy
was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within
hearing
distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring
a
glass of water through the desert?"
The white guy explained his
predicament and explained that since he had
a long way to go, he might
get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying
the water.
A
little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward
him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the
rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the s
ituation and said that since he
had a long way to go, he might get
hungry and that's why he had the
bread.
Finally the
Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious
than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging
that car
door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too
hot,
I'll roll down the window."
driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They
all
decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had
passed 50
miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting
on his front porch that evening when he saw the
white guy top the
horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that
the white guy
was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within
hearing
distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring
a
glass of water through the desert?"
The white guy explained his
predicament and explained that since he had
a long way to go, he might
get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying
the water.
A
little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward
him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the
rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the s
ituation and said that since he
had a long way to go, he might get
hungry and that's why he had the
bread.
Finally the
Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious
than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging
that car
door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too
hot,
I'll roll down the window."
Jokes number : 64
There was an
Irishman, an Englishman and
Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going
through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a
tunnel and as it
was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it
went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the
sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the
Irishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Englishman had his
hand against his face as he had
been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish
fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella
must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got
slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The
next time the train
goes through a tunnel I'll make another
kissing noise and slap that
English idiot again."
Irishman, an Englishman and
Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going
through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a
tunnel and as it
was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it
went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the
sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel,
Claudia Schiffer and the
Irishman were sitting as if nothing had
happened and the Englishman had his
hand against his face as he had
been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish
fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella
must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got
slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The
next time the train
goes through a tunnel I'll make another
kissing noise and slap that
English idiot again."
Jokes number : 63
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who
decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small
block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother
called from Aberdeen to see how her son
was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange
people
living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long,
another lies
on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who
bangs his
head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma
laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate
with people
like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No,
I just stay inside
my apartment all day and night, playing my
bagpipes.'
decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small
block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother
called from Aberdeen to see how her son
was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange
people
living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long,
another lies
on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who
bangs his
head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma
laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate
with people
like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No,
I just stay inside
my apartment all day and night, playing my
bagpipes.'
Jokes number : 62
There was once a Scotsman and an
Englishman
who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and
each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's
eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen
had laid an egg in the
Englishman's garden. He was about to go
next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran
up to the Englishman and told
him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was
laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the
following actions: I punch you in the
nose and note how long it takes
you to recover, then you punch me in
the nose and note how long it
takes for me to recover, whomever recovers
quicker wins the
egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the
heaviest
object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran
toward the
Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose.
The Englishman fell
to the ground and was howling in agony and
holding his nose for thirty
minutes.
Eventually the Englishman
stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
punch you."
The
Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."
Englishman
who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and
each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's
eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen
had laid an egg in the
Englishman's garden. He was about to go
next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran
up to the Englishman and told
him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was
laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the
following actions: I punch you in the
nose and note how long it takes
you to recover, then you punch me in
the nose and note how long it
takes for me to recover, whomever recovers
quicker wins the
egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the
heaviest
object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran
toward the
Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose.
The Englishman fell
to the ground and was howling in agony and
holding his nose for thirty
minutes.
Eventually the Englishman
stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
punch you."
The
Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."
Jokes number : 61
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an
American and a
Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The
executioner said that
since all three were to be executed that night,
that they would each
get to choose the method by which they would
die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by
hanging. The
American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be
hanged. The
American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair
and they pulled the
switch and nothing happened. The executioner
said that if this happens a
second time that he could go free. They
tried a second time and again
nothing happened so they set him
free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want
to be
hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the
chair
didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the
Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm a
fraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so
you're going
to have to hang me".
American and a
Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The
executioner said that
since all three were to be executed that night,
that they would each
get to choose the method by which they would
die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by
hanging. The
American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be
hanged. The
American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair
and they pulled the
switch and nothing happened. The executioner
said that if this happens a
second time that he could go free. They
tried a second time and again
nothing happened so they set him
free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want
to be
hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the
chair
didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the
Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm a
fraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so
you're going
to have to hang me".
Jokes number : 60
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw
mill.
Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I
just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another
one!"
mill.
Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I
just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another
one!"
Jokes number : 59
These two
newfies are building a house. One
of them is putting on the siding. He picks
up a nail, hammers it
in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks
up a nail, hammers
it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes
on for a while,
and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is
throwing
half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on
the wrong end." The buddy
gets exasperated and says "You idiot,
those nails are for the other side
of the house!"
newfies are building a house. One
of them is putting on the siding. He picks
up a nail, hammers it
in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks
up a nail, hammers
it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes
on for a while,
and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is
throwing
half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on
the wrong end." The buddy
gets exasperated and says "You idiot,
those nails are for the other side
of the house!"
Friday, August 5, 2011
Jokes number : 58
Two Polish guys were taking their first train
trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling
bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought
one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the
train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he
looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were
you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind
for half a minute."
trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling
bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought
one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the
train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he
looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were
you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind
for half a minute."
Jokes number : 57
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington
for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle
seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took
the aisle seat next to
the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling
in when the Arab in the window seat said,
"I think I'll go up and get
a coke."
"No problem," said
the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Arab
picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned
with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll
have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it,
and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and
spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back
and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was
landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he
asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this
animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in cokes?"
for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle
seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took
the aisle seat next to
the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling
in when the Arab in the window seat said,
"I think I'll go up and get
a coke."
"No problem," said
the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Arab
picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned
with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll
have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it,
and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and
spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back
and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was
landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he
asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this
animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in cokes?"
Jokes number : 56
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese
restaurant. "Sid," asked Al,
"are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't
know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the
waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I
don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No,
Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir," the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was
still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned
he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked
again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese
Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Orange
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin
ese
Jews."
restaurant. "Sid," asked Al,
"are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't
know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the
waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I
don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No,
Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir," the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was
still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned
he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked
again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese
Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Orange
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin
ese
Jews."
Jokes number : 55
There was a Japanese man who went to America for
sightseeing. On
the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to
the
airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man
leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,
"Honda, very fast! Made
in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped
past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and
yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi
sped past the taxi. For the third time, the
Japanese leaned out of
the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made
in
Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on
for
quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare
was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so
expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fas
t! Made in
Japan!"
sightseeing. On
the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to
the
airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man
leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,
"Honda, very fast! Made
in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped
past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and
yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi
sped past the taxi. For the third time, the
Japanese leaned out of
the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made
in
Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on
for
quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare
was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so
expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fas
t! Made in
Japan!"
Jokes number : 54
A
Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're
naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No
clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're
naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No
clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
Jokes number : 53
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very
important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a
verbal
command ("Jump!").
In a first stage of experiment he
removed flea's leg, told her to
jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote
in his scientific notebook: "Upon
removing one leg all flea organs
function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the
flea to jump, she obeyed, so
he wrote again: "Upon removing the second
leg all flea organs function
properly."
Thereafter he
removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when
ordered, so he wrote
again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs
function
properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing
happened.
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the
experiment several
times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he
wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses
sense of hearing"
important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a
verbal
command ("Jump!").
In a first stage of experiment he
removed flea's leg, told her to
jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote
in his scientific notebook: "Upon
removing one leg all flea organs
function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the
flea to jump, she obeyed, so
he wrote again: "Upon removing the second
leg all flea organs function
properly."
Thereafter he
removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when
ordered, so he wrote
again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs
function
properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing
happened.
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the
experiment several
times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he
wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses
sense of hearing"
Jokes number : 52
A family was visiting an Indian
reservation
when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in
the
middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the
blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was
doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three
kids, one
barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon,
traveling at 65
m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes
ago"!
reservation
when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in
the
middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the
blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was
doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three
kids, one
barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon,
traveling at 65
m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes
ago"!
Jokes number : 51
An American
tourist in Moscow found himself
needing to get rid of a large supply of
garbage from his recent
stay at an apartment. After a long search, he
just couldn't find any
place to discard of it. So, he just went down
one of the side
streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police
officer, who said, "Hey you,
what are you doing?"
"I have to
throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away
here. Look, follow me," the policeman
offered.
The police
officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all
the
garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of
garbage, and dumps them
right on the flowers.
"Thanks for
giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of
you. Is this
Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the Amer
ican Embassy."
tourist in Moscow found himself
needing to get rid of a large supply of
garbage from his recent
stay at an apartment. After a long search, he
just couldn't find any
place to discard of it. So, he just went down
one of the side
streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police
officer, who said, "Hey you,
what are you doing?"
"I have to
throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away
here. Look, follow me," the policeman
offered.
The police
officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all
the
garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of
garbage, and dumps them
right on the flowers.
"Thanks for
giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of
you. Is this
Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the Amer
ican Embassy."
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Jokes number : 50
These four guys were walking down the street, a
Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A
reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a
shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says,
"What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's
excuse me?"
Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A
reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a
shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says,
"What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's
excuse me?"
Jokes number : 49
A visitor from
Holland was chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining
about the red, white
and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our
taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get
our tax bill, and blue after we pay
them."
"That's the
same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
Holland was chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining
about the red, white
and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our
taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get
our tax bill, and blue after we pay
them."
"That's the
same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
Jokes number : 48
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan
application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What
have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going
strictly by
the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's
something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got
any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a
horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a
roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the
entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to
do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't
know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we
take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw
it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously
at the
banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan
application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What
have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going
strictly by
the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's
something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got
any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a
horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a
roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the
entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to
do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't
know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we
take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw
it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously
at the
banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
Jokes number : 47
An elephant was walking in a park. With each
step he took, he
squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began
to crawl up on the
elephant -- first his legs and then up all over
his body. When the elephant
started feeling all the little ants on
him, he shook hard, making all the
little ants, except for one, fall
to the ground. As the only ant on the
elephant hung on close to the
elephant's neck, the ones on the ground
began to yell, "Strangle
him!!! Strangle him!!!"
step he took, he
squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began
to crawl up on the
elephant -- first his legs and then up all over
his body. When the elephant
started feeling all the little ants on
him, he shook hard, making all the
little ants, except for one, fall
to the ground. As the only ant on the
elephant hung on close to the
elephant's neck, the ones on the ground
began to yell, "Strangle
him!!! Strangle him!!!"
Jokes number : 46
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the
jungle so
the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of
soccer. The
game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten
goals to nil,
when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star
player was dribbling
the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the
Elephants' left back
came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod
on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee
stopped the
game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you
call that
sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied,
"Well,
I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him
up."
jungle so
the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of
soccer. The
game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten
goals to nil,
when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star
player was dribbling
the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the
Elephants' left back
came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod
on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee
stopped the
game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you
call that
sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied,
"Well,
I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him
up."
Jokes number : 44
Q: What happened when the elephant sat on
the car?
A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
the car?
A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Jokes number : 42
An old Indian lined up all of
his 10 little
Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then
asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody
answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie
father.
Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big
Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again,
"Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push
port-a-potty over
cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and
spanks him, for his punishment. When he
is done, the little Indian
asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get
punish. I tell truth, I get
punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big
Georgie not in cherry tree when it got
chopped down!!!"
his 10 little
Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then
asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody
answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie
father.
Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big
Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again,
"Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push
port-a-potty over
cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and
spanks him, for his punishment. When he
is done, the little Indian
asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get
punish. I tell truth, I get
punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big
Georgie not in cherry tree when it got
chopped down!!!"
Jokes number : 41
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United
States,
made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets
left for
sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket
salesman found him a
perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote
home enthusiastically
about his experience. "And the Americans, they
are so friendly!" he
concluded. "Before the game started, they all
stood up and looked at me
and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
States,
made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets
left for
sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket
salesman found him a
perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote
home enthusiastically
about his experience. "And the Americans, they
are so friendly!" he
concluded. "Before the game started, they all
stood up and looked at me
and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
Jokes number : 40
The Americans and Russians at the height of the
arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians
found
the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and
bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings,
and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and
after five
years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had
ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick
and nobody could get
near it.
"When the day came for th
e fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a
nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the Americans
because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last
ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out and wrapped
itself around the outside of the
ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to
the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
`We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for
five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
dogs in the world
and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons worki
ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.'"
arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians
found
the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and
bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings,
and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and
after five
years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had
ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick
and nobody could get
near it.
"When the day came for th
e fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a
nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the Americans
because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last
ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out and wrapped
itself around the outside of the
ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to
the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
`We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for
five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
dogs in the world
and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons worki
ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.'"
Jokes number : 39
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker
were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now
we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We
will put you in a pot,
cook you, eat you and then we're going to
use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is
appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid
cannibal!
were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now
we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We
will put you in a pot,
cook you, eat you and then we're going to
use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is
appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid
cannibal!
Jokes number : 38
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself
in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by
the
Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that
building
there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The
Royal
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12
years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em
twice as high, twice as wide and four times
as long down in Texas,
and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver
makes his was past the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre. "What's that
building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years"
replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three
times as long and four times as wide as that down
in Texas, and
it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the
cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that
building there?" asks
the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I
know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by
yesterday."
in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by
the
Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that
building
there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The
Royal
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12
years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em
twice as high, twice as wide and four times
as long down in Texas,
and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver
makes his was past the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre. "What's that
building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years"
replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three
times as long and four times as wide as that down
in Texas, and
it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the
cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that
building there?" asks
the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I
know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by
yesterday."
Jokes number : 37
A woman just back from Arizona was telling her
friends
about the trip.
"When my husband first saw the Grand
Canyon, his face dropped a
mile," she said.
"Why, was he
disappointed with the view?"
"No, he fell over the edge."
friends
about the trip.
"When my husband first saw the Grand
Canyon, his face dropped a
mile," she said.
"Why, was he
disappointed with the view?"
"No, he fell over the edge."
Jokes number : 36
Fred's new girlfriend uses such
greasy
lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a
better
grip.
greasy
lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a
better
grip.
Jokes number : 35
Boy: You've
got a face like a million
dollars.
Girl: Have I really?
Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
got a face like a million
dollars.
Girl: Have I really?
Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Jokes number : 34
A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad,
dad," he
said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly
face."
"Tell him you've already got one," said his father.
dad," he
said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly
face."
"Tell him you've already got one," said his father.
Jokes number : 33
Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces.
Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that.
Witch: It is
when the people with ugly faces don't like them being
pulled.
Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that.
Witch: It is
when the people with ugly faces don't like them being
pulled.
Jokes number : 32
Teacher: What
a glum face, what would you say
if I came to school with a face like
yours ?
Pupil: I'd be too
polite to mention it !
a glum face, what would you say
if I came to school with a face like
yours ?
Pupil: I'd be too
polite to mention it !
Jokes number : 31
"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a
werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your
face."
werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your
face."
Jokes number : 30
Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?
A.When we see your face we both crack up!
A.When we see your face we both crack up!
Jokes number : 29
Once there was a church that
had a bell that
no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the
priest if he
could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight
into
the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked
priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the
bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does
anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face
rings a bell."
had a bell that
no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the
priest if he
could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight
into
the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked
priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the
bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does
anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face
rings a bell."
Monday, August 1, 2011
Jokes number : 26
Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend
said it with flowers.
How romantic.
Not really, she hit me round
the head with a bunch of thorny roses
!
My girlfriend
said it with flowers.
How romantic.
Not really, she hit me round
the head with a bunch of thorny roses
!
Jokes number : 23
Counselor: Wash your face.
I can see what you
had for breakfast.
Henry: If you're so smart, what did I
have?
Counselor: Eggs.
Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!
I can see what you
had for breakfast.
Henry: If you're so smart, what did I
have?
Counselor: Eggs.
Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!
Jokes number : 21
Boy monster: You've got a face like a million
dollars !
Girl monster: Have I really ?
Boy monster: Yes -
it's green and wrinkly !
dollars !
Girl monster: Have I really ?
Boy monster: Yes -
it's green and wrinkly !
Jokes number : 19
First Witch: I like your toad.
He always has
such a nice expression on his face.
Second Witch: It's because
he's a hoptimist.
He always has
such a nice expression on his face.
Second Witch: It's because
he's a hoptimist.
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