Jokes number : 98

The General went out to find that none of his

G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.


"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little

late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,

found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and
now
I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this
explanation but at least he
was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments
later, eight more G.I.s came up
to the general panting, he asked
them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a
little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it
broke down, found a farm, bought a
horse but it dropped dead, ran 10
miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very
skeptical but since he let the
first guy go, he let them go, too. A
ninth G.I. jogged up to the General,
panting heavily.



"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus

but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the
General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I.,
"there were so many dead horses in the road, it
took forever to get
around them."

Jokes number : 97

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked
the
Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you
crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day
pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!"


So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The
CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I
jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do
you
want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Jokes number : 96

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the
Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the
troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the
mess hall
for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The
rest of
you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way,

Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day
the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey,
Sarge, that
was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't
you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the
Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in
again with,
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's
mother died. You'd
better go tell him and send him in to see me
. This time be more
tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for
his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and
listen up." "Everybody
with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not
so fast, McGrath!"

Jokes number : 95

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths
of
Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However,
he was
not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle
the vendor
down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting
"I don't give
two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my
own!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the
two
Marines who are doing the same.
"So the Ranger went out into
the Bayou, and after a while saw two men
with spears, standing
still in the water. "They must be the two
Marines," he thought. Just at
that point he noticed an alligator moving in
the water towards one
of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even
as the gator
came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow
him, the
Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up
onto the
beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw

nthe gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one

doesn't have any shoes either!"

Jokes number : 94

Having just moved
into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on
the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked
up the phone,
told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll
be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along
your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressedthe young enlisted
man,
he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the
PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook
up your telephone."

Jokes number : 93

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for

departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the

truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding
tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving,

and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the

tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his
slowness and promised
punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have
no stripes, it is 20 below
zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I
am pumping sewage out of
airplanes. Just what are you going to do
to punish me?"

Jokes number : 92

Q: What's the difference between God and
fighter
pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Jokes number : 91

Officer: Soldier, do
you have change for
a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to
address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

Jokes number : 90

During training exercises, the lieutenant who
was
driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in
the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck,
sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside "Nope," replied the
colonel,
coming over and handing him the keys "Yours is."

Jokes number : 89

A young naval student
was being put
through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you
do if a sudden
storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out
an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do
if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the
captain.

"Throw
out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another
terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"
asked the
captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the
student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors

from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're
getting all of
your storms, sir."

Jokes number : 88

During the Mexican American War, an intense

long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither
side
made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a
bright idea. He aimed his rifle to
the Mexican trenches and yelled,
"Hey, Juan!"

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general
shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican
general decided that two could play this game and decided to
try it
out. He called out, "Hey, John!"

An American replied, "John isn't
here. Is that you Juan?"

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" .
. .

Jokes number : 87

In the 1970's, before women
were allowed
to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his
friends about
how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join
the
army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to
dress with
the boys and shower with them too. Won't
she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked his
friend.

The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"

Jokes number : 86

A solider stationed in the South Pacific
wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to
occupy his free time and keep
his mind off of the local women. The wife
complied and sent the best
one she could find, along with several
dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to
their home and through the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come
here. Let me look at you. Let me hold
you! Let's have a fine dinner
out, then make love all night. I've
missed your lovin' so
much."

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover.
First,
let's hear you play that harmonica."

Jokes number : 85

There were three American pilots captured by
Germans in WWII. The
Germans thought up a way to make the pilots
crack and tell what they
knew. They made them stand at attention,
turn their heads from side to
side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and
over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started
telling
all he knew, signing everything they put in front
of
him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started
confessing to
things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was
fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way
cracked. He was
turning his head to one side only and saying,
"Tick...Tick...Tick..."


The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You
thinks you
iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make
you
TOCK!"

Jokes number : 84

As he was
drilling a batch of recruits,
the sergeant saw that one of them was
marching out of step. Walking
up next to the man as they marched, he said
sarcastically: "Do you
know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the
recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except
you!" thundered the
sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge,
you're in charge -- you tell
them!"

Jokes number : 83

A general noticed one of his soldiers

behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found,
frown
and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This
went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the
soldier
psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier
was deranged, and wrote out his discharge
from the army.


The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Jokes number : 82

A trio
of old veterans were bragging
about the heroic exploits of their
ancestors one afternoon down at the
VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared
proudly, "was a
drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another,
"went down with Custer at the Battle of
Little Big
Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three,
"but
if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous
man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to
know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

Jokes number : 81

While practicing
auto-rotations during a
military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes
up and lands
on its tail rotor.

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail
boom. However, the
chopper fortunately remains upright on its
skids, sliding down the runway,
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides
past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of
sparks, this radio
exchange takes place:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any
assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Jokes number : 80

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was
on
his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped
out
taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to
attention,
made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good
Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the
salute and said
"Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't
it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir,
Yes
Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something
about a stormy
night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the
private was just a private, and
responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The
General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the
best
type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted
yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes
Sir!"

The General continued
"I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said, "Good
trade, Sir!"

Jokes number : 79

One Sunday
morning, the priest noticed
Little Johnny was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. It was covered with names,
and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven-year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest
walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little
Johnny."


"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on
the
plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well,
son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little
Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the
9:45 or the 11:15?"

Jokes number : 78

On some air bases the Air Force is on one

side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
field,
with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time
is
it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied,
"What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot
of difference. If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3
o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is
1500 hours. If it is a Navy
aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army
aircraft, the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If
it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Jokes number : 77

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and
Marines
bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same
language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the
building".

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy
will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill
everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will
take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Jokes number : 76

Airman Jones was assigned
to the
induction center, where he advised new recruits about their
government
benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before
Captain
Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high

success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he
advised. Rather than ask
about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to
Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained
the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the
government has
to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have
GI insurance,
and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a
maximum of $6000.

Now," he concluded,
"which group do you think they are going to send
into battle first?"

Jokes number : 75

The
cavalryman was galloping down the
road, rushing to catch up with his
regiment. Suddenly his horse
stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in
the dirt with a broken
leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All
you saints in heaven, help me get
up on my horse!"

Then,
with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell
off
the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the
heavens:

"All right, just half of you this time!"

Jokes number : 74

A drill
sergeant had just chewed out one
of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he
turned to the cadet
and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and
dance on my grave."


The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself
that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

Jokes number : 73

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill

instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the

mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat
them
down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall:
Shut up!
Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had
everyone's attention, he asked, "What is
the first rule?" Much to the
amusement of the other instructors, 60
privates yelled in unison,
"Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Jokes number : 72

You Might be a
Marine Wife if:
1. Your
mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches
you.

2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's
LES
and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3.
"Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have
some.

4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak,
change plans on a
moment's notice, yet you are not being treated
for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures
better than their
service reps.
7. You know what forms you need
better than your husband's Admin
clerk.
8. You are strangely
attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the
cost of a 5-minute phone call from any
country, any time, on up to
four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out
your husband from 100 other men
with identical haircuts and clo
thes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.

12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

Jokes number : 71

As the family gathered for a big dinner
together, the
youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed
up at
an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the

table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief

that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit
pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't
really do that, did
you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training"
scoffed
another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help;
but she was just gazing
at him. When she finally spoke, it was to
voice a single question: "Do
you really plan to make your own bed
every morning?"

Jokes number : 70

At a lesson in topography a
soldier was
asked: "What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that
object on
this map?"
"That object, naturally."
"What makes you think
that?"
" 'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see
that
object even at day time."

Jokes number : 69

An airforce officer
goes to heaven and at
the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done
anything in his life
that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to
heaven. The
officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four
of my
pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the
bar,
so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to

leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more

forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee
to
stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and
asked
when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5
minutes
ago! My friends should be here shortly!

Jokes number : 68

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM

2. DISILUSIONMENT

3. PANIC

4.
SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY

5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT

6.
PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

Jokes number : 67

Why is a psychiatrist like a

squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

Jokes number : 66

What do you know when you see three

rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
You
know you need a psychiatrist!

Jokes number : 65

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm
going
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have.
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either,
because I planted cabbage !

Jokes number : 64

A woman entered a psychiatrist's
consulting room
leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband,
doctor, " she said.
"He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "

Jokes number : 63

Did you hear about
the auto mechanic
who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying
under the
couch?

Jokes number : 62

Patient: Why did you
charge me a
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

Jokes number : 61

Fred: "Why are you so upset?"
Harry:
"My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
Fred: "So
what?"
Harry: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.
You know,
one of the men I've been telling you about'."

Jokes number : 60

"The trouble is," said the entertainer
to
the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't
tell
jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or
do magic
tricks or do anything!"
"Then why don't you give up
show business?"
"I can't - I'm a star!"

Jokes number : 59

What
happens if you tell a
psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
He charges you double.

Jokes number : 58

Psychiatrist: Well, what's
your
problem?
Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black
shoes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer
brown
shoes to black shoes. I do myself.
Patient: Really? How do your like
yours - fried or boiled?

Jokes number : 57

Why did the witch go to the
psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her.

Jokes number : 56

A guy had been feeling down for so long

that he finally decided to seek the aid of a
psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the

profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat

thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Um, I
think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common
among
losers."

Jokes number : 55

The
psychology instructor had just
finished a lecture on mental health and
was giving an oral
test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would

you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the
top of
his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the
next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and
answered, "A basketball
coach?"

Jokes number : 54

A man
walked into a therapist's
office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't
go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor
inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on

your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the

bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and
an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The
man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a

bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden

expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e
njoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous
looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't
have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Jokes number : 53

The
aspiring psychiatrists were
attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish
some parameters," said the professor to the
student from Arkansas,
"What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the
student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from

Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to
the young man from Texas, "how about the
opposite of
woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Jokes number : 52

A group of
psychiatrists were
attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and
walked out
together. One said to the other three, "People are always
coming to us
with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can
go to
when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since
we are all professionals, why don't we take
some time right now to
hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first
then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my

patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so
I find
ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can
so I can buy
the things I want."

The third followed with,
"I'm involved with selling drugs and often
get my patients to sell
them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know
I'm not supposed to,
but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee
p a secret..."

Jokes number : 51

A doctor of psychology was doing his

normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found
Patient
#1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in
half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.


The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient

replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The

doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied,
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a
lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going
all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's
your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts
himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Jokes number : 50

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I
keep
having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee;
then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's
very simple.
You're two tents."

Jokes number : 49

My therapist told me the way to achieve

true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I
have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel
better already.

Jokes number : 48

Mary was having a tough day
and had
stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought
to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to
her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole
world hates
me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up
at her
and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true,
Mary. Some
people don't even know you."

Jokes number : 47

A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly
remembers an important
meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late
or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the

hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon
me, sir, but do you
have the time?"

The patient calls back,
"One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a
short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the
stick is
vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to
the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th,
which I believe it is."

The man
can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch
accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was
really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds
up his wrist and says,
"I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Jokes number : 46

After hearing that one of the patients

in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling
him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the
rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed
himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself,"
Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up
to dry."

Jokes number : 45

The
mother of a problem child was
advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far
too upset and worried about
your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly."

On her
next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers
calmed
you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is
your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother
replied.

Jokes number : 44

Three
patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the
head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for five
years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board
looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and
breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?" asked
the doctor.

To which the third patient
answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Jokes number : 43

Two psychiatrists were walking down a
hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other
one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Jokes number : 42

How many Histrionic
P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
"You want me to change the lightbulb? I
could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the
ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You
don't love me anymore!"

Jokes number : 41

How many Dependent P.D. does to take to

change a lightbulb?
None, he's still clinging to the old
lightbulb.

Jokes number : 40

How
many Passive Aggressive P.D.
does to take to change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't believe I broke the
last one. I guess you'll have to sit
in
the dark.

Jokes number : 39

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.

Jokes number : 38

How many
Borderline P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't
change it for
him/her.

Jokes number : 37

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic
are up for
release. The shrink informs them that they will have to
pass a simple
test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two
plus two?
A: Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the
orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.

Turning to
the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the
patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to
remove
the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks,
"How
much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally:

Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The

patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

Jokes number : 36

Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that

people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist:
So?

Jokes number : 35

"Great news,
Mr. Oscarson," the
psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of
therapy, I can
pronounce you finally and completely cured of your
kleptomania. You'll
never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's
great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you
to stop by Sears on the way home and
walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation
to shoplift
whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well,"
suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I
could use a
new microwave."

Jokes number : 34

One out of every four people is
suffering from some
form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If
they're OK, then it's you.

Jokes number : 33

Patient: I'm really depressed.

Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going
well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing
myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going
to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]

T: Woosh. Splat.

Jokes number : 32

When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the
therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. "What seems
to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held
his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90
miles and hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening
to the wife, the therapist
went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
there - speechless.

He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had

happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at

least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and
replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Jokes number : 31

The head doctors in an insane asylum had

a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially
well.
So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When
they get to
the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing
to the
benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down
first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited
cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask
him, " Why did you put
the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So
I'd be higher and have a
better view."

Jokes number : 30

What do Psychologists say to each

other when they meet?"
"You're fine, how am I? "

Jokes number : 29

How many psychoanalysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

Jokes number : 28

How many psychiatrists
does it take
to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the
DSM-IV.

Jokes number : 27

How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb? "Why does
the light bulb necessarily have to
change?"

Jokes number : 26

How many psychiatrists does it take to

change a light bulb? "How long have you been having this

phantasy?"

Jokes number : 25

How many psychologists does it
take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Jokes number : 24

How many
psychologists does it take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but the
light bulb really has to
want to change.

Jokes number : 23

How many psychologists does
it take
to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when
it's ready.

Jokes number : 22

Doctor, Doctor,
I think I'm a
bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.

Jokes number : 21

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm

under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I,
YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Jokes number : 20

Doctor, I have a ringing in my
ears.
Don't answer!

Jokes number : 19

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59
seconds
to live.
Wait a minute please.

Jokes number : 18

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small

bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Jokes number : 17

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No
problem. Hop up on the couch.

Jokes number : 16

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate,

one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long
have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Jokes number : 15

Doctor, doctor, I keep
trying to get
into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants
to know?

Jokes number : 14

Doctor, doctor, I'm
manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm

Jokes number : 13

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a

spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Jokes number : 12

Doctor, doctor,
people keep telling
me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Jokes number : 11

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I

say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Jokes number : 10

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands

me.
What do you mean by that?

Jokes number : 9

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a

wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Jokes number : 8

How do
you tell the difference
between the staff and the inmates at a
psychiatric hospital?

The
patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks
he is God.
The staff have the keys!

Jokes number : 7

One behaviorist to another after
lovemaking:

"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for
me?"

Jokes number : 6

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for

four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his

bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day
he stops
seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something
different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his
old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking
well-rested,
energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's
amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you
seem to be doing
much better. How?"
"I went to see another
doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he
cured me in just ONE
session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah,"
continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the
psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
session?"
"Oh,
easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my
bed."

Jokes number : 5

A man who thinks he's George Washington
has been seeing a
psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by
telling him, "Tomorrow,
we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when
they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says,
"King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I
have the plans."

Jokes number : 4

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two

patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are
you
here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told
me to come
here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you
know that you're
Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I
was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts,
"NO I
DIDN'T!"

Jokes number : 3

When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm
not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you
should start at the very
beginning."

"Of course." replied the
patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."

Jokes number : 2

Patient: Doctor, my
wife thinks I'm
crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like
sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've
got
hundreds of them.

Jokes number : 1

Two psychologists meet at their

twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while
the
other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The
older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening
to
other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end,

has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who
listens?"

Jokes number : 100

A psychologist returned from a confrence
in Aspen lodge, where all
the psychologists were permited to ski
for free. Her husband asked her,
"How it went?". She replied, "Fine,
but I've never seen so many
Freudians slips."

Jokes number : 99

Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker
for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, a man is already
there.

Jokes number : 98

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He
says, "It seems I can't
make any friends. Can you help me, you fat
slob?"

Jokes number : 97

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say
we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
madhouse.'"

Jokes number : 96

What's the difference between a

psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of
rats!

Jokes number : 95

Men don't
get lost; they discover alternative
destinations.

Jokes number : 94

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for

his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly
and
poor woman?
A: Desperate!

Jokes number : 92

This man says to his friend," I stopped

driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold

the wheel."

Jokes number : 91

A neighbor of
mine was bit by a stray rabid
dog. I went to see how he was and found him
writing furiously. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a
will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list
of people I'm
gonna bite."

Jokes number : 90

Brian was dating
Lorraine and they were very
close. While they were dating he met another
woman named Clearly and
wanted to start dating her but felt that he should
be faithful to
Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day
Brian took
Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were
walking near
the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly
sang,
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

Jokes number : 89

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a

light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Jokes number : 88

Q: Men will brag that
there are women waiting
by the phone at this very moment for their call.
Who are these
women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Jokes number : 87

What is the difference between men and
pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Jokes number : 86

Question: If a man speaks in the
forest and
there is no woman around to hear him, is he still
wrong?

Jokes number : 85

Question: How many men does it take to mop the
floor?
Answer: None, it's a women's job.

Jokes number : 84

Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their
lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom

Jokes number : 83

Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.

Jokes number : 82

Men are like department
stores.
Their
clothes should always be half off.

Jokes number : 81

Men are
like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy.
And very easy to see through.

Jokes number : 80

Men are like old
car tires.
Balding, full
of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Jokes number : 79

Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.

Jokes number : 78

Men are like
soap operas.
They're fun to
watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Jokes number : 77

Men
are like road kill.
They usually just
lie around until they start to smell.

Jokes number : 76

Men are like vacuum
cleaners.
They're not
much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Jokes number : 75

Men are like shag
carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and
extremely easy to walk on.

Jokes number : 74

Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to
use. And usually lying around a TV.

Jokes number : 73

Men are like
power tools.
They make a lot
of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Jokes number : 72

Men are like
chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth
and they usually head right for your hips.

Jokes number : 71

Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and
you can take them anywhere.

Jokes number : 70

Men are
like computers.
Hard to figure out
and never enough memory.

Jokes number : 69

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich,
hot and can keep you up all night.

Jokes number : 68

Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The
handsome, the caring, and the majority.

Jokes number : 67

Q: Why do men float better than
women?
A:
Because they are scum.

Jokes number : 66

Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind

wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.

Jokes number : 65

Q. How
are men like television
commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both

last about 30 seconds.

Jokes number : 64

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture

of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her
goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that
she had
lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to
this was that her husband spent so much time going
into the fridge to
look at the picture that he ended up gaining
fifteen pounds.

Jokes number : 63

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his
lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A
neighbor lady
was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the
man, "You
should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts
the grass!"

Jokes number : 62

Men are like fine wine. They all
start out
like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have

dinner with.

Jokes number : 61

QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?

ANSWER: They come in five flavors.

Jokes number : 60

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was
walking
past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did
you want
that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one
thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical

male."

Jokes number : 59

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon,

you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the
floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry
right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,


on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah,
blah, blah,

right now !

Jokes number : 58

Why did God create men
first? Because we learn
from mistakes.

Jokes number : 57

The difference
between men and women
A man
is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving

down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the

window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and
replies, "Stupid!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner
he slams into a pig in the middle of the
road.

Jokes number : 56

When a man steals your wife,
there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.

Jokes number : 55

Why do men
prefer blondes?
Men always like
intellectual company

Jokes number : 54

why don't men do laundry?
cause the washer
and dryer don't run on remote control!

Jokes number : 53

Why are men like paper cups?
They're
disposable

Jokes number : 52

What do
you do if your bank account stops
working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

Jokes number : 51

Which of the following lines will do a better job

of frightening a man
away?

1) Get away or I'll call the
police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your
children.

Jokes number : 50

Where do you have to go
to find a man who is
truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

Jokes number : 49

Why are men like blenders?

You need one,
but you're not quite sure why.

Jokes number : 48

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment,

and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in a
lift with the Spice girls.

Jokes number : 47

Q. Why is the book "Women Who
Love Too Much" a
disappointment for many
men?

A. No phone numbers.

Jokes number : 46

Q. Where is the best place in a book
store to
find a man who is handsome,
a good lover and a stimulating
partner?

A. In the pages of a romance novel.

Jokes number : 45

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill

for men?

A: It changes their blood type.

Jokes number : 44

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their

own business?

1. No mind
2. No business.

Jokes number : 43

If a man says something in the middle
of a
forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Jokes number : 42

Two
confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their
conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook
once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with
it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said
it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean
dish and....'"

Jokes number : 41

One day in the Garden of
Eden, Eve calls out
to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem,
Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious

comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?"
came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to
death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"


"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,

an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you

properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be

bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed

ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds g
reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah,
well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you
can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"


"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Jokes number : 40

How do you scare a man?

Sneak up behind
him and start throwing rice.

Jokes number : 39

There are only two four letter words that are

offensive to men:

"don't" and "stop".

Jokes number : 38

Men are like animals:
messy, insensitive
and
potentially violent, but they make great pets.

Jokes number : 37

There are a lot of words you
can use to
describe men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could
still use them.

Jokes number : 36

One night a wife found her husband
standing
over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood
looking down at
the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of
emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,

skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it

aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her

husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's
amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib
like that for only $46.50."

Jokes number : 35

Give a man a fish and he will
eat for a
day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all
day.

Jokes number : 34

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're
practicing to be men.

Jokes number : 33

Why did God create a man before
a
women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Jokes number : 32

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so

beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man
says, "why
did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would
love you." "But God," the man says, "why
did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Jokes number : 31

What do you call a man who has lost 95%
of his
brainpower?
A widower.

Jokes number : 30

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice
makes perfect."

Jokes number : 29

What do you do if your boyfriend walks
out?
Close the door.

Jokes number : 28

How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in
the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Jokes number : 27

Now do you save a man from drowning?
Take your
foot off his head.

Jokes number : 26

What is the
thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women.

Jokes number : 25

What's the difference between a new husband and a
new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Jokes number : 24

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's

God's gift?
Exchange him.

Jokes number : 23

How is being at a singles bar
different from
going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Jokes number : 22

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay
stuck in adolescence.

Jokes number : 21

A
woman of 35 thinks of having children. What
does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Jokes number : 20

How are men like noodles?
They are always in
hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

Jokes number : 19

What does a man consider to be a seven course

meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Jokes number : 18

What's the difference between a
man and
E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Jokes number : 17

What's a man idea of helping with the
housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Jokes number : 16

How many men does it take to make

popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the

stove.

Jokes number : 15

How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet
paper?
No one knows, it's never happened.

Jokes number : 14

What do you call a man who opens the car door for

you?
A chauffeur.

Jokes number : 13

Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never
stop to ask directions.

Jokes number : 12

How are men like carpet
tiles?
If you lay
them properly the first time around, you can walk all over
them for
the rest of your life.

Jokes number : 11

Why does a man only get half-hour
lunch-breaks?
So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Jokes number : 10

Where's the safest place to
hide money from a
man?
Under the soap

Jokes number : 9

When do men insist that women are
illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.

Jokes number : 8

How do you confuse a man?
You don't - they're
born that way.

Jokes number : 7

How can you tell if a man is cheating on
you?
He has a bath more than once a month.

Jokes number : 6

How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?
Dump
him.

Jokes number : 5

Why do men act like idiots?
Who says they're
acting?

Jokes number : 4

What does it mean to come home to a man who'll

give you some love and tenderness?
You're in the wrong house.

Jokes number : 3

Why don't women
work as long and as hard as
men in the office?
They do it right first time.

Jokes number : 2

Q: How do you keep your
husband from reading
your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Jokes number : 1

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving
her money, furs and diamonds.

Jokes number : 100

Q: What's the best
way to kill a man?
A:
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to

pick only one.

Jokes number : 99

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed

gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the
pillow down long enough.

Jokes number : 98

Q. Why do men buy electric
lawn mowers?
A.
So they can find their way back to the house.

Jokes number : 97

Q. How many men does it
take to wallpaper a
bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Jokes number : 96

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are
sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men
already have boyfriends.

Jokes number : 95

Q. How can you tell if a man
is happy?
A.
Who cares?

Jokes number : 94

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Jokes number : 93

Q. Why do men like love at first site?
A. It
saves them a lot of time.

Jokes number : 92

Q. What do you
call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Jokes number : 91

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV
sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Jokes number : 90

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites
attract.

Jokes number : 89

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A.
Because they're all pigs.

Jokes number : 88

Q. What's the best way to force a man
to do
sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Jokes number : 87

Q. What's a man's idea
of honestly in a
relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Jokes number : 86

Q. What do you instantly know
about a
well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Jokes number : 85

Q. What should you give a man who has
everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Jokes number : 84

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight

dinner?
A. A power failure.

Jokes number : 83

Q. What do you call a
handcuffed man?
A.
Trustworthy.

Jokes number : 82

Q. What do most men
consider a gourmet
restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Jokes number : 81

Q. How
does a man show he's planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Jokes number : 80

Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Jokes number : 79

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A.
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Jokes number : 78

There were 11 people
hanging on to a single
rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying
to bring them to
safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one
person would have to let go because if they
didn't, the rope would
break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it
should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how
she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were
used to giving things up for their husbands and
children and giving
in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

Jokes number : 77

A husband was trying to prove to his wife
that
women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated
that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000
words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then
told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because
they have to repeat
everything they say.

Her husband looked
stunned. He said "What?"

Jokes number : 76

Why is a
Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?

- Because a woman who can't afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Jokes number : 75

How many men
does it take to open a beer?


- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Jokes number : 74

Men are like mini skirts.

If you're not
careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Jokes number : 73

Men are like
curling irons.

They're
always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Jokes number : 72

Men are
like high heels.

They're easy
to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Jokes number : 71

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot
of money, they don't generate much interest.

Jokes number : 70

Men are like
lava lamps.

Fun to look
at, but not very bright.

Jokes number : 69

Men are like copiers.

You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.

Jokes number : 68

When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he

couldn't sleep.
"She took the bed!"

Jokes number : 67

Marriage is nature's way of preventing

people from fighting with strangers.

Jokes number : 66

Two ladies were hanging out together and one
was depressed.
"What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied,
"I've been married four times and everyone
of my husbands has passed
away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The
depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire,
the
second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth

was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for
the show, three to
get ready, and four to go."

Jokes number : 65

QUESTION: Do you know what
is honeymoon?
ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and
debting.

Jokes number : 64

QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six
days?
ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.

Jokes number : 63

QUESTION: What is
honeymoon? ANSWER: That
brief span of time between, "I do" and
"You'd better!"

Jokes number : 62

My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that

if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd
be
fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.

Jokes number : 61

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald
bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not
wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I
should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away,
and I want his new wife to go nuts
looking for the jewelry."

Jokes number : 60

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian
told his best friend
Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your
life, and have an affair?" his
friend suggested.

"But what
if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the begining of
the 21st centrury, Brian. Go
ahead and tell her about it!"


So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us

closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that
many times - it never
worked."

Jokes number : 59

Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says
that this is our last
notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not
going to bother us
anymore?'