Jokes number : 70

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in

Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Jokes number : 69

Teacher: What is can't short for ?
Pupil:
Cannot miss
Teacher: and what is don't short for
Pupil: Doughnut
!

Jokes number : 68

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
days
?
Pupil: All of them !

Jokes number : 67

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won't freeze
?
Pupil: Hot water !

Jokes number : 66

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my

questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point
in me being here
!

Jokes number : 65

Teacher: This is the third
time I've had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
about
that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !

Jokes number : 64

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Jokes number : 63

Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son:
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper
!

Jokes number : 62

Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and
then
she didn't give me one !

Jokes number : 61

Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning

?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

Jokes number : 60

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
just
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !

Jokes number : 59

How do bees get to
school ?
By school
buzz !

Jokes number : 58

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !

Jokes number : 57

What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
Mercy !

Jokes number : 56

Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your

head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head
for two days !

Jokes number : 55

Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting

our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?

Jokes number : 54

Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many would
you have
?
Pupil: One big haystack !

Jokes number : 53

Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends
!

Jokes number : 52

Teacher: Why are you picking your
nose in
class ?
Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !

Jokes number : 51

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,

but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will draw it !

Jokes number : 50

Are you in
the top half of your class
?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !

Jokes number : 49

Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing
cards !

Jokes number : 48

Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen !

Jokes number : 47

Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
Tommy:
No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it
!

Jokes number : 46

Where do children learn their ABC's ?
At
LMN-tary school !

Jokes number : 45

Teacher : What are you doing,
crawling into
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me never to walk
into school ten minutes late
!

Jokes number : 44

Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30

minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for the answer sir
!

Jokes number : 43

Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
?
Son: They're under water
Father: What do you mean ?
Son: Below
"C" level !

Jokes number : 42

Teacher : Why are you the only child in the

classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't
have school dinners
yesterday !

Jokes number : 41

Teacher : What is the most common phrase used

in school ?
Pupil : I don't know
Teacher: Correct !

Jokes number : 40

Teacher : The word politics - can you give me
an
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch
and now Polly ticks !

Jokes number : 39

Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
Pupil: Lassie !

Jokes number : 38

Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you have ?
Pupil :
A fight !

Jokes number : 37

Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a horse jumps over
defence, defeat go before detail
!

Jokes number : 36

Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while

studying.
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling !

Jokes number : 35

Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word

lettuce !
Pupil : Let us out of school early !

Jokes number : 34

Teacher : What's happens to gold
when it
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !

Jokes number : 33

Teacher : What are
you reading ?
Pupil :
I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil : But I'm
not listening !

Jokes number : 32

Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !

Jokes number : 31

Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the

fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he
hasn't drunk
that yet !

Jokes number : 30

The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now,
Fred," said the teacher, "you take
over, beginning with
11."
"11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred.
"What kind of counting is that'?"
asked the teacher
"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling
signals."

Jokes number : 29

If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our
school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

Jokes number : 28

Jackie stood quietly as her father
examined
her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked her father.
"I
think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!

Jokes number : 27

If you had one dollar and you
asked your
father for another, how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.

You don't know your arithmetic.
You don't know my father !

Jokes number : 26

Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother:
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in
Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !

Jokes number : 25

How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me

trouble.

Jokes number : 24

"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her it was four. But
she still doesn't know.
Today she asked us again!"

Jokes number : 23

Teacher: If I gave you three
rabbits today
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?
Jackie:
Nine.
Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight.
Jackie: No,
Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at
home!

Jokes number : 22

Fred: I've
added these figures ten times.

Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answers !

Jokes number : 21

TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is

the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's the
difference`?

Jokes number : 20

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another

there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised):
Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!

Jokes number : 19

Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes,
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine,
ten.
Teacher: Now go on from there.
Fred: Jack, Queen, King.

Jokes number : 18

The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. "Jackie,"
she asked, "can you count to 10
without mistakes?"
"Yes," said Jackie, and she did.
"Now, Fred," said
the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?"
"That depends," said
Fred, "with or without mistakes"!

Jokes number : 17

Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

Jokes number : 16

Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !

Jokes number : 15

Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Pupil:
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at
math !

Jokes number : 14

Teacher: Give me three reasons
why the
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so
!

Jokes number : 13

Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down !

Jokes number : 12

Teacher: Where is the English Channel
?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up

Jokes number : 11

Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you
get detention alone !

Jokes number : 10

Playing truant from school
is like a credit
card
Fun now, pay later !

Jokes number : 9

Be sure that you go
straight home after
school
I can't, I live just round the corner !

Jokes number : 8

The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you get up in the
morning and
never stops until you get asked a question in class !

Jokes number : 7

Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
you off.
Pupil: You have my permission
!

Jokes number : 6

Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ?
Pupil:
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it
rattling from here do you
!

Jokes number : 5

Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
?
Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening

!

Jokes number : 4

Teacher: That's quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What
will you give me ?

Jokes number : 3

Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too !

Jokes number : 2

Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
dear ?
Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow.
Mother: Really ?
Why's that ?
Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.

Jokes number : 1

'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the

girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the
world's
second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it
costs $3
for a day return to Austin, how old am I ?
'Thirty
two!'
'Why did you say that ?'
'Well, my brother's sixteen and
he's half mad !'

Jokes number : 100

Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would stay in and help
him with my homework.

Jokes number : 99

'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander
said to his mother.
'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class
don't like me.'
'Why ?'
'Firstly, you're 35 years old.
Secondly, you're the
principal.'

Jokes number : 98

School
Principal: I've called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about two words I wish
you wouldn't use so often. One is
"great" and the other is
"lousy." Peter: Certainly, sir. What are
they?

Jokes number : 97

Teacher: What happened to your
homework?

Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.

Jokes number : 96

What's the longest piece of furniture in the

school? The multiplication table.

Jokes number : 95

Teacher: Didn't you know the
bell had
gone?
Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.

Jokes number : 94

Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.

Jokes number : 93

Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurse sent everyone
to the croakroom.

Jokes number : 92

A school teacher injured his back and had to
wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it
under his shirt
and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of
the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest
class in the school.

Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as
wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom
became a
bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.


While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his

tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as
the
class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally,
becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took
a big
stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several

places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Jokes number : 91

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."


His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously

deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect
your
feelings."

Jokes number : 90

How many students does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.

Jokes number : 89

How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is
added to the
homework.

Jokes number : 88

What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem.

Jokes number : 87

A little kid's in
school, taking a
true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end
of the test he's
flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are
you doing?" He
says, "Checking my answers."

Jokes number : 86

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do
with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go
Slow!"

Jokes number : 85

"Isn't the principal a
dummy!" said a boy
to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the
girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I
am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

Jokes number : 84

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence,
one freshman rose to his
feet.

"Now then mister, why do you
consider yourself an idiot?" enquired
the teacher with a
sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you

standing up there all by yourself."

Jokes number : 83

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in
my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little
quieter, I
could.

Jokes number : 82

The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the back row. The
teacher shouts to the sleeping
student's neighbor, "Hey wake that
student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him

up!"

Jokes number : 81

The teacher came up with a good problem.

"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and
six
of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None,"
answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your
arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all

go!"

Jokes number : 80

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a

tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam,
bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Jokes number : 79

A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached
in your right
pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left
pocket and
found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's
pants."

Jokes number : 78

A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for

something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk
with your teacher about this ... by
the way, what was it that you
didn't do?"

The little girl
replied, "My homework."

Jokes number : 77

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think
so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report
card."

Jokes number : 76

The parents were very disappointed in the

grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in

these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never

cheated during his exams."

Jokes number : 75

A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in, so they decided
to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school,
their son comes racing into the house, goes
straight into his room
and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this
and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find
him sitting at
his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that
for the rest
of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report
card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see
under
math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed
your mind
about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and
dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I
walked into the
classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the
back of the room
behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant
business."

Jokes number : 74

Man: "How's
your history paper
coming?"

Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet
for research, and it's been very helpful.

Man:
"Really?"

Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell
them!"

Jokes number : 73

A student comes to a young
professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,
kneels
pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I
mean..." she
whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He
returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens.
"Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to
a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Jokes number : 72

Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One year, two guys took
the class and did pretty well on all the
quizzes and mid-terms--so
much so that going into the final, they each had a
solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that
the weekend
before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on
Monday,
they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with
some
friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and
tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking
the final then, they
found professor Bonk after the final and
explained to him how they
missed the final. They told him they went up
to the University of Virgina
for the weekend and had planned to come
back in time to study, but they
had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't
fix it for a long
time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over
and agreed that they could take the final the
following day. The
two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and
went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed
them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told
them to
begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple
about
molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they
thought,
"this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the
page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The
question contained
only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

Jokes number : 71

A student called up his Mom one evening from

his college and asked her for some money, because he was
broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also

left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do
you
want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K."
responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up
in a package,
kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to
mail the money and the
book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how
much did you give the
boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two
checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to

him."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry
hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald
head, "I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the
$1,000 one
somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

Jokes number : 70

One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rudely interrupted
to ask, "Why do we have to learn this
pointless
information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the

lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps
the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied
the
professor.

Jokes number : 69

A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his
desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the
tests back in. The professor noticed that one
of the students had
attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
"A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests
back out. This
student got back his test and $56 change.

Jokes number : 68

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. "In English," he said, "A double negative
forms a positive. In
some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive can
form a negative."

A voice from the
back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Jokes number : 67

A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
class for the third
time that week. Before class ended he went around
the room asking
students some questions about the day's lecture. Of
course, he made
sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed
the theories behind communism?" the
professor asked.

"I
don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on
time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,"
said the professor.

"That's
not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention
anyway!"

Jokes number : 66

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group

picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the
back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; she's still
old, nasty, and wrinkled"

Jokes number : 65

A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now,
students, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run
into it, and I should
turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the
boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"


A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

Jokes number : 64

Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during recess she noticed a girl
standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of
the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at
the other.

Sandy
approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.


A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the
same
spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy
offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"

The girl
hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.


Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you

standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great
exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"

Jokes number : 63

Why do teachers
use a bamboo
cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

Jokes number : 62

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the
combination!

Jokes number : 61

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you

haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad

says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it

settles down!"

Jokes number : 60

Father: You were absent on the day of the
test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

Jokes number : 59

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this

test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could
give
you!

Jokes number : 58

What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
the
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!

Jokes number : 57

Fred came home from his first day at school.
"Nothing exciting
happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher
didn't know how to spell
cat so I told her"

Jokes number : 56

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask

questions!

Jokes number : 55

Mother: How was your first
day at
school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept

spoiling all our fun!

Jokes number : 54

What did you learn in school today?
Not
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Jokes number : 53

What are you going to be when you get out of
school?
An old man!

Jokes number : 52

Father: How were the
exam
questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions
didn't give me any trouble, just the
answers!

Jokes number : 51

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead

Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Jokes number : 50

What do history teachers make when they want to
get
together?
Dates!

Jokes number : 49

Father: What did the
teacher think of your
idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?, what did she
say?
Son: Baa!

Jokes number : 48

Teacher: Did your parents help you
with
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

Jokes number : 47

My teacher reminds me of
history
She's
always repeating herself!

Jokes number : 46

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass

but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the
grass!

Jokes number : 45

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
gave
you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

Jokes number : 44

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the

bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Jokes number : 43

Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they
haven't found it yet, I remember looking for
it when I was a boy!

Jokes number : 42

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

Jokes number : 41

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my

questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point
in me being
here!

Jokes number : 40

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any
five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do
it then, I'm nearly ten!

Jokes number : 39

Teacher: You copies from
Fred's exam paper
didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says
"I don't know" and you have put "Me,
neither"!

Jokes number : 38

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at

Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Jokes number : 37

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its

back?
A dead school bus!

Jokes number : 36

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong

to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

Jokes number : 35

Did you hear about the cross eyed

teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Jokes number : 34

Why did the teacher
wear
sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

Jokes number : 33

Why was the headmaster
worried?
Because
there were too many rulers in school!

Jokes number : 32

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call

you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Jokes number : 31

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to

tell you off this week, what have you got to say about
that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Jokes number : 30

Mother: What did you learn in school
today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know,
they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Jokes number : 29

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn
it to stop
ourselves from freezing

Jokes number : 28

Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Jokes number : 27

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved
away

Jokes number : 26

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so
they could study how
the human brain worked

Jokes number : 25

Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
were
you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It's
three in the afternoon!

Jokes number : 24

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your

homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!

Jokes number : 23

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to
your already
heavy workload.

Jokes number : 22

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in
the washing
machine

Jokes number : 21

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't

you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Jokes number : 20

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put

your hand to your mouth!

Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

Jokes number : 19

Teacher: What's big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!

Jokes number : 18

Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

Jokes number : 17

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn't know where the
Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time
remember where you put things!

Jokes number : 16

A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil:
Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a
day!

Jokes number : 15

Father: I hear you skipped school
to play
football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Jokes number : 14

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and

won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is
this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Jokes number : 13

Teacher: You're new
here aren't you,
what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

Jokes number : 12

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
such an
unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Jokes number : 11

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes
and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at
math!

Jokes number : 10

I
failed every subject except for
algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!

Jokes number : 9

Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith
then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.

Teacher: Why is that?
Pupil: He
doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

Jokes number : 8

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father:
Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel
well?
Son: In school!

Jokes number : 7

Teacher: What are
the Great
Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Jokes number : 6

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.

Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having
trouble listening!

Jokes number : 5

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have

there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What
will you give me?

Jokes number : 4

Teacher: Is
Lapland heavily
populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an
animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now
name another.
Class: Another reindeer!

Jokes number : 3

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
school
this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the
other half this afternoon!

Jokes number : 2

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to

America?
On their feet!

Jokes number : 1

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you

to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At
once!

Jokes number : 100

Father:
How do you like going to
school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm
not
too keen on the time in-between!

Jokes number : 99

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes,
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

Jokes number : 98

What was King Arthur's favourite
game?
Knights and crosses!

Jokes number : 97

Why aren't you doing very well in
history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I

was born!

Jokes number : 96

What's black and white all over and
difficult?
An exam paper!

Jokes number : 95

The food in our school canteen is
perfect.
If your a bug!

Jokes number : 94

What kind of food do maths teachers
eat?
Square meals!

Jokes number : 93

What's the worst thing you're likely to

find in the school cafeteria?
The food!

Jokes number : 92

Where did all the cuts and blood come
from?
The school went on a trip!

Jokes number : 91

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the
mugger took everything
I had

Jokes number : 90

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything
I
had

Jokes number : 89

Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing
outside!

Jokes number : 88

Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a
0!

Jokes number : 87

Why did the teacher put the
lights
on?
Because the class was so dim!

Jokes number : 86

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it

remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to
see!

Jokes number : 85

"Is your mother home?" the
salesman asked
a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.
"Yeah, she's
home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The
salesman
rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.
Still
no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I

thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but

this isn't where I live.

Jokes number : 84

A realty salesman had just closed his first

deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was
completely
under water.

"That customer's going to come back here
pretty mad," he said to his
boss. "Should I give him his money
back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get
out there and sell him a houseboat."

Jokes number : 83

What salesman has the slickest line?
A
hair grease salesman.

Jokes number : 82

What do you have to know to be a real estate
salesman?
Lots.

Jokes number : 81

What happened when the man asked the salesman

for a good belt?
"O.K., you asked for it," the salesman said as
he gave him a good
belt.

Jokes number : 80

A famous art collector is walking through the
city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of
a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that
the saucer is
extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually
into the store and
offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The
storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The
collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner
says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey,
for the twenty bucks I wonder if you
could throw in that old saucer.
The cat's used to it and it'll save me
from having to get a
dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So
far
this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Jokes number : 79

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for
Valentine's
Day?
Rugs and kisses!

Jokes number : 78

Ned: What does
your Dad sell ?
Ed:
Salt.
Ned: Well, my dad is a salt seller, too.
Ed: Shake.

Jokes number : 77

Customer: You
said these pants were pure
wool, but the label says "all cotton."
Salesman: Oh, that's just to
keep the moths away.

Jokes number : 76

Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket

calculator?
Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

Jokes number : 75

Salesman: This jug is
genuine Indian
pottery.
Customer: But it says "Made in Cleveland."
Salesman:
Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?

Jokes number : 74

Salesman: That suit looks nice. It
fits
like a bandage.
Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.

Jokes number : 73

Policeman: Why didn't you check your

speedometer?
Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

Jokes number : 72

An inexperienced real estate
salesman
asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry
customer who
had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
"What
kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there
and sell
him a boat."

Jokes number : 71

The top toothbrush salesman at the company

was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He
replied
"It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his
display of
brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like
this, and
then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the
customers. He
laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a
very innovative
approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and
stuck it in his
mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss
yelled. The salesman
replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

Jokes number : 70

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment
when his
doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a
salesman
standing on his porch with a strange object.
"What is
that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman
replied. "What
does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said,
"keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation Mikey
bought one, deciding it would really help
his lunch situation. The next
day he arrived at the plant where he
works. Sure enough, all the
other employees were curious about his new
object. "What is it?" they
asked.
"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.
"What does it do?" they
asked.
"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things
hot
and cold things cold."
"What do ya got in it?"
To which
Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Jokes number : 69

Salesman: Roll up, roll up! Come to our

mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale.

Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for
a
mammoth.

Jokes number : 68

"No, no, no!" said the enraged businessman to
the persistent
salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine,"
said the salesman,
"I'm selling spectacles."

Jokes number : 67

Patient: Doctor, you
have to help me stop
talking to myself.
Doctor: Why is that?
Patient: I'm a
salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't
want.

Jokes number : 66

Had a door-to-door salesman call one time

selling of all things -- burial plots. I told him that we already had
our
plots in another cemetery.

He seemed uncertain as to
what to say next, but he recovered to say
politely, "I hope you'll be
very happy there."

Jokes number : 65

A woman was shopping in a
fairly nice
dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the
salesman
the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about
prices
these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto

tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had
enuff and said,
"My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and
obviously so
offensive to you, why do you bother ?"

Jokes number : 64

A policeman came upon a super-salesman about
to jump from a bridge
and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do
that !!!"

The salesman said, "Why not ?" and proceeded to expound
on his views
on the shaky economy, declining family life and
Clinton politics.

Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

Jokes number : 63

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in
his efforts
to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way
sir." he said
finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die
?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon
that'd
be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while
I'm
alive."

Jokes number : 62

The couple
was standing staring at one of
the more expensive models in the auto
showroom. A salesman sensing
their debate over the price moved in and
said, "This model is
priced just over the car which is priced a few
dollars above the car
which costs no more than some models of the lowest
priced cars."

Jokes number : 61

Insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't

let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If
you
wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.

Jokes number : 60

A
traveling salesman was held up by a bad
storm in the Hawaiian Islands.
He sent an e-mail to his corporate
headquarters advising them that he
was stranded for a few days and
requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin
vacation as of yesterday."

Jokes number : 59

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job
as a
vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of
intensive
training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice
his pitch on
his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked
the novice how he made out.

Well," the man began, "I did what you
said, and after I finished, I
asked her if she would buy the vacuum
cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.'
Then I asked her 'why ?' She
replied, 'Because I love you'."

Jokes number : 58

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman
manages
to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural
area.

"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of

dirt over the lounge floor.

The woman says she's really worried
it may not all come off, so the
salesman says, "If this machine
doesn't remove all the dust completely,
I'll lick it off
myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for

electricity yet!"

Jokes number : 57

How can you tell when a salesperson is
lying?
His lips are moving.

Jokes number : 56

A salesman who was out on his territory had a

heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called
the
salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales
manager.

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and
told the
motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search
his pants for
orders."

Jokes number : 55

An American tourist was lunching in a
restaurant
in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained
each dish as
he brought it to the table. "This is the breast of the
duck; this the
leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc."
Then came the
dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited
for the explanation.
Silence. "Well?" he finally asked, "What's
this?" The waiter
replied, "It's a friend of duck."

Jokes number : 54

Sign at restaurant reads:
Eat here diet
home

Jokes number : 53

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner

one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken

almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have
that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he
asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

Jokes number : 52

Q:What did one plate say to the other
plate?
A:('Lunch is on me!')

Jokes number : 51

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play

requests?
Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've
finished my
meal.

Jokes number : 50

There was an awful fight at the seafood
restaurant.
Four fish got battered!

Jokes number : 49

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant

recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket

approached him. "Hey, man," he said, "where's the toilet?"
"Go
down the hall and turn left, "replied the headwaiter. "When you
see
the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on

in."

Jokes number : 48

Young woman sat down in small

restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order.
"I'll have a hamburger
please."
"Burger!" she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added.
"Make that
well done."
Waitres turned away again.
"Torture
it!" she yelled.

Jokes number : 47

Is your food spicy Sir ?
No, smoke
always comes out of my ears !

Jokes number : 46

"What's the matter with your dinner
?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor

later what I've eaten !"

Jokes number : 45

A out-of-towner in New York at the height
of the tourist season
decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd
enjoyed on a previous
trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of
an overworked waiter, he
said, "You know, it's been over five
years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn,
sir," replied the harried and now
irritated waiter, "I can only
serve one table at a time."

Jokes number : 44

Two little boys were
visiting their
grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They
couldn't
make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.
Finally the
grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring
them bread and
water."
One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have
ketchup on
it?"

Jokes number : 43

Waiter, what is this bug doing on
my
wives shoulder!
I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !

Jokes number : 42

At which fast food
restaurant is a
hamburger happiest?
Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!

Jokes number : 41

Once a man went to a resturant and ordered

an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the

waiter that the egg was bad.
Came the reply:
"I don't lay
egg sir I just lay table !"

Jokes number : 40

Hello? Fred's Restaurant.
Hello! I'd
like to know, do you serve crabs?
We serve anyone, sir! Come on
in!

Jokes number : 39

What does a Chinese restaurant
serve
for Easter?
Coloured eggrolls!

Jokes number : 38

Girl: How much is a soft drink
?
Waitress: Fifty cents.
Girl: How much is refill ?
Waitress: The first is
free.
Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.

Jokes number : 37

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger
?
No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken

!

Jokes number : 36

I went to a restaurant that serves

-breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the

Renaissance.

Jokes number : 35

Eulus stood in front of the take-out

window of a Rawl-ins fast food restaurant. "I want two hamburgers,"

he said. "One with onions, and one without."

The counter man:
"Okay. Which one's without the onions?"

Jokes number : 34

Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant
every day.
Patron 2: I don't tip, either.

Jokes number : 33

"Can
I have some two-handed cheese,
please?" a man in a restaurant asked
the waiter.
"What do you
mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter.
"You know, the kind
you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the
other."

Jokes number : 32

At our local
restaurant you can eat
dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?

Jokes number : 31

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful

restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world,
I
ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the
world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

Jokes number : 30

Jane's father
decided to take all the
family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd
spent quite a lot
of money for the meal he said to the waiter, "Could I
have a bag to
take the leftovers home for the dog?"
"Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are
we getting a dog?"

Jokes number : 29

Why was
the restaurant called "Out of
this World"?
Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.

Jokes number : 28

A man walks
into a Chinese restaurant
but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty
minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The
man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The
man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses
for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were
FOUR little peegs . . . "

Jokes number : 27

How
many McDonald's counter girls does
it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put
some chips with it.

Jokes number : 26

How many cafeteria staff does it take to

change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've
just cashed up."

Jokes number : 25

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers

asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following

Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she
had
learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby
said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny
said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know
how
to
drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that,
Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving
down the
highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of
us and Daddy yelled at
him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn
how to drive?'"

Jokes number : 24

Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil
the hell out of it.

Jokes number : 23

Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect
!

Jokes number : 22

What's the moral of the story
about
Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !

Jokes number : 21

Who was the best actor in the bible

?
Samson, he brought the house down !

Jokes number : 20

God is sitting up in his ivory
tower,
he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the
number
one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being

mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about

Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says

God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about
Pluto,"
suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says

God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says

another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly
burnt
me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What
about
Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God,
"I went
there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird,
and they're
still bloody talking about it."

Jokes number : 19

Three Pastors from the south were having

lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been

having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've
tried
everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and
in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they
won't go
away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and
made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"

Jokes number : 18

Who is the fastest runner in
history.
Adam - because he was the first in the human race.

Jokes number : 17

What did Adam do when he wanted some
sugar?
He raised Cain.

Jokes number : 16

At what time of day was Adam born?
Just
before Eve.

Jokes number : 15

What's black and
white, black and
white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.

Jokes number : 14

Jill: Have you read the Bible?
Jack: No,
I'm waiting for the film to come round.

Jokes number : 13

Examiner: I think you know very little, if

anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?


Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'


Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?

Student:
'Go thou and do likewise.'

Jokes number : 12

How do Religious Education
teachers mark
exams?
With spirit levels.

Jokes number : 11

A kindergarten teacher was observing her

classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to
look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

Jokes number : 10

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's

witness with a
business man?

A door to door salesman!

Jokes number : 9

The congregation was sitting and waiting for

the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into
the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for
Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat
in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All
the
hyprocrites are gone."

Jokes number : 8

Morris was passing a small courtyard and
heard voices
murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large
zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed
people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great
Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

Jokes number : 7

At the first session of a conversion class
the
minister conducting the class asked, "What must
we do before
we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one
of the men in attendance
raised his hand and said:

"Sin?"

Jokes number : 6

Knowing that the minister was very fond of
cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with
a bottle on one consideration
-
that the pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the
good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later,
the elder turned at
once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister
extends
his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of
fruit and for the spirit in
which it was given."

Jokes number : 5

An old rabbi
is talking with one of his
friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts
today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The
rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I
do this for
free?"

Jokes number : 4

A minister was asked by a
politician,
"Name something the government can do to help the church."

The
minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

Jokes number : 3

What language do the
Vatican Police
speak?

Pig Latin!

Jokes number : 2

What is the meaning of life?

All
evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

Jokes number : 1

Is there a
God?

A billion Hindus
can't be wrong.

Jokes number : 41

A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing
golf. Sarah misses a 3
foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the
bugger!" and the nun says,
"If you keep saying that then God will
punish you." Next hole Sarah
misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn
it, missed the bugger!" and the
nun says, "ONE more time Sarah, and
God will punish you!" Then Sarah
misses a neoot putt and says "GOD
DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God
comes down from Heaven and strikes the
nun dead with a bolt of
thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

Jokes number : 40

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman

to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he

asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law
says we should
stone her!" one of the crowd
responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first

stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked
the woman
on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus
cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"

Jokes number : 39

There's this cathedral that's still being

worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so

they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A
characteristic
of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be
closed
manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One
day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the

top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the

sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the
sexton
rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up
for the
worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the
cathedral were
treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head
tipped up, yelling
up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE
GATES!!!"

Jokes number : 38

The Reverend
Billy Graham tells of a
time early in his ministry when he arrived in a
small town to preach a
sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the
post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham
thanked him
and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you
can hear
me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll
be there," the boy said. "You don't even know
your way to the post
office."

Jokes number : 37

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they
went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked
quite a lot. When they asked the dog to
fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with
dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home
(piously, of
course). That night they had friends over. They were
so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed,
and asked whether the dog
was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the
couple cold, as they hadn't thought
about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this
out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl
y pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog
jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in
concentration, and bowed his head.

Jokes number : 36

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically
he
was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work
had
given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked
a woman
co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he
decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He
began attending
aerobics classes. He started working out with
weights. He changed his
diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a
different man. Again, he asked his female
co-worker out, and this time she
accepted.

There he was, all
dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever
had. He stood
poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of
lightning
struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying,
he
turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After
all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

Fr
om up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize

you."

Jokes number : 35

The Baptist preacher just finished his
sermon for the day and
proceeded toward the back of the church for his
usual greetings and
handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult
hands he came upon the seven year old son
of one of the Deacons of the
church.

"Good morning,
Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to
shake Joanthan's hand.


As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's
hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said
Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for
you!"

"I
don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.


"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan

continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had
and
I want to help you."

Jokes number : 34

It seems that there was a little old church

out in the countryside: painted white and with a high
steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He

checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he
went
into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out
to the
church and began the job.

He got done with the first
side. It was looking great. But he noticed
he had already used a
half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town
and being the
creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner
in the shed out
back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He
finished the remaining three sides with that
last half gallon of
paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he
stepped
outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that
the first side
was looking great, but that the paint on the oth
er three sides had
washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky
in anguish and cried out, "What shall I
do?"

A voice came
back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no
more!"

Jokes number : 33

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message

for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his

home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his
bedroom. As they entered
the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit
on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said
anything.

Both the banker and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be
with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the
preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked
either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable
sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour
that
made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said,
"Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustere
d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Jokes number : 32

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home

and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her

charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I
wish to draw your attention
to the terrible plight of a poor family
in this district. The father is
dead, the mother is too ill to
work, and the nine children are
starving. They are about to be turned
into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their rent, which
amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you
are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his
handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm
the landlord," he sobbed.

Jokes number : 31

This minister just had all of his

remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first
Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached
only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25
minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this
way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it
hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a
lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
and I
couldn't stop talking!

Jokes number : 30

The preacher was wired for sound with a
lapel
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking
the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it
again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he
gets loose, will
he hurt us?"

Jokes number : 29

A preacher was completing a temperance

sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater
emphasis
he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and
throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw
it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very
cautiously and announced
with a smile, "For our closing song, let
us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We
Gather at the River."

Jokes number : 28

A
preacher, who shall we say was "humor
impaired," attended a conference
to help encourage and better equip
pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well
known and dynamic speakers. One such
boldly approached the pulpit
and, gathering the entire crowd's
attention, said, "The best years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman
that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by
saying, "And that woman was
my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and
delivered the rest
of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the
pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try,
and use that joke in
his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that
sunny Sunday,
he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly
seemed a bit
foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of another woma
n that was not my wife!" The
congregation inhaled half the air in
the room. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds in the stunned
silence, trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the pastor
finally blurted out, "...and I can't
remember who she was!"

Jokes number : 27

A priest and a nun are on their way
back
home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get
it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only

hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I
don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the

circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on
the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be
okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
the room.
Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly
cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.


Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I
don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wif
e just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get
up and get your own blanket.

Jokes number : 26

Sometimes
women are overly suspicious of
their husbands. When Adam stayed out
very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset. "You're running around
with other women," she
charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only
woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It
was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.


"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Jokes number : 25

God looks down and notices that Adam is all
alone
while all the animals have companions, so he decides to
create a
companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to
him, "Adam, you
are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to
create for you
the ultimate companion. She will worship the very
ground you walk on, she
will long for you and no other, she will be
highly intelligent, she
will wait on you hand and foot and obey your
every command, she will be
beautiful, and all it will cost you is
an arm and a leg." Thinking for a
few moments, Adam replies, "What
could I get for a rib?"

Jokes number : 24

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?


God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars
like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a
penny?

God: Just a second.

Jokes number : 23

A man sobering up from the night before is
sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still
feeling hung over and
tired, he finally nods off.

The
priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover
and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to

make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those
wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole
room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the
preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the
last part groggily stands up, only to
find that he's the only one
standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what
we're voting on
here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are
the only ones
standing for it!"

Jokes number : 22

A little nine year old girl was in church
with her mother when she
started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she
said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I
think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and
around to the back of the church and
throw up behind a bush."


In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did
you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.


"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church
and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of
the church, Mommy" the little girl
replied, "They have a box next
to the front door that says 'for the
sick'."

Jokes number : 21

The two thousand member
Baptist church
was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The
preacher
was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long
black
coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of
the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other

stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their

coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle
announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet
for Jesus stay in your
seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The
deacons ran out
the door, followed by the choir director and the
assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people
left sitting in the
church. The preacher was holding steady in the
pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the
preacher, "All
right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You
may begin the
service."

Jokes number : 20

It was about a month
ago when a man in
Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to
his
priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee
in
my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a
sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he
stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good
cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one
more
question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I
have to tell him the war is over?"

Jokes number : 19

A friend was in front of me coming out of

church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he
always is
to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled
him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at Christmas and
Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in
the secret service.

Jokes number : 18

A
young lad was visiting a church for
the first time, checking all the
announcements and posters along the
walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he
asked a
nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the
pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the
service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning
service or the
evening service?"

Jokes number : 17

A couple had two little mischievous boys,
ages 8 and 10. They
were always getting into trouble, and their
parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons
would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in
town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see
them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in
the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there

with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question.
"Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger i
n
the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy
screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and
dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"

The
younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG

trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Jokes number : 16

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the

night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several

anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next
day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to

omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their
newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece
with the
following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot
be
published."

Jokes number : 15

The little church in the suburbs suddenly
stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer
telephoned Deacon Brown to
ask why.

"I'll tell you why,"
shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be
used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted
the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them
all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some
golf pencils...each stamped with the words,
`Play Golf Next
Sunday.'"

Jokes number : 14

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the

Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The
dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor

creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't
have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what,
there's a new denomination
down the road apiece, and no telling
what they believe in, but maybe
they'll do something for the animal."


Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick
replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."

Jokes number : 13

A Catholic Priest and
a Rabbi were
chatting one day when the conversation turned to a
discussion of job
descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in
way of a promotion in your
job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well,
I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the

Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can
become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the
Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's
possible
for me to become a full Bishop." said the
Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a
bit exasperated replied, "With some luck
and real hard work, maybe
I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the
Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots

and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the
right
places at the right times and play my political games just
right, maybe,
just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and
then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest.
"What do you expect me to become,
GOD?"

"Well," said the
Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Jokes number : 12

There is a story about a monastery in Europe

perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The
only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket

which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with

all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in
that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous
about half-way up as he noticed that
the rope by which he was suspended
was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who
was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment
and answered brusquely, "Whenever it
breaks."

Jokes number : 11

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa
when he
heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord,"
prayed the
missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking
behind me
is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that
followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he
prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I
am about to receive."

Jokes number : 10

A Christian man had
just died and was on
his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of
heaven he met an
angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's
easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you
think his name is Andy?' the angel asked
incredulously.


'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with
me,
Andy talks with me.'

Jokes number : 9

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40

years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Jokes number : 8

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'

Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Jokes number : 7

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking
nun?

A: A roamin' Catholic!

Jokes number : 6

Q: Why did God
create man before woman?

A: He didn't want any advice.

Jokes number : 5

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?

A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Jokes number : 4

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He
only had two worms!

Jokes number : 3

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at
the end
of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing
Hymns instead of Hers!

Jokes number : 2

One afternoon a little boy was playing
outdoors. He used his
mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful
time until it was getting
dark.

He left the broom on the back
porch. His mother was cleaning up the
kitchen when she realized that
her broom was missing. She asked the little
boy about the broom and
he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get
it. The little boy informed his mom
that he was afraid of the dark
and didn't want to go out to get the
broom.

His mother smiled
and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be
afraid'. The
little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if
you're out
there, hand me the broom'.

Jokes number : 1

A drunk man
who smelled like a beer sat
down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was
stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and
a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his
newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man
turned to
the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The

priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap

wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man'

'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.


The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and

apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope
does.'

Jokes number : 100

Pat and Mike were walking down the

street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here,

I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long
time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have

sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs
Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'?
Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat
said, Father, I'll not be teling you the
lady's name!

So the
priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had
sinned
with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did
you do'? Pat said,
'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new
prospects'!

Jokes number : 99

There's this guy who had been lost and

walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home
of a
missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on
the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back
to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the
nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this
horse. He goes back
into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I
borrow your horse and
give it back when I reach the town?"


The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this

horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make
it
stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure,
ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse
starts
walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse
starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank
God, thank God,
thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse
just takes off. Pretty soon
he sees this cliff coming up and he's
doing everything he can to make
the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop,
hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse
stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
saddle
and says, "Thank God."

Jokes number : 98

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump off. I immediately
ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?"
he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the
Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me
too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed

Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,

or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"



"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To
which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Jokes number : 97

A
minister told his congregation, "Next
week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."

The following
Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked
for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark
17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only

sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of

lying."

Jokes number : 96

Two bishops were
discussing the decline
in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife
before I was married," said one
clergyman self-righteously, "Did
you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Jokes number : 95

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned
in
the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Jokes number : 94

Q. How do we know that Job went to a

chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at
ease, but he
proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of
the neck and
proceeded to smash me."

Jokes number : 93

Q. Which
area of Palestine was
especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Jokes number : 92

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the
most
flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10
commandments; at once.

Jokes number : 91

Q. What is the best way to get to
Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Jokes number : 90

Q. What do they
call pastors in
Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Jokes number : 89

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David

hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his
head before.

Jokes number : 88

Q. Who is the greatest
babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Jokes number : 87

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his

children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out
of house and home.

Jokes number : 86

Q. What is one of the first things that

Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised
Cain.

Jokes number : 85

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled
from the
Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Jokes number : 84

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the

Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second.
Cain struck
out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants
and the Angels were
rained out.

Jokes number : 83

Q. Who
was the greatest comedian in the
Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Jokes number : 82

Q. What kind
of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen
Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond
movement."

Jokes number : 81

Q. What kind of
motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Jokes number : 80

Q. What
kind of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Jokes number : 79

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the

Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury.

Jokes number : 78

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got

married?
A. Ruth-less.

Jokes number : 77

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in
the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Jokes number : 76

Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in

liquidation.

Jokes number : 75

O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for
twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and
selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to
confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last
confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those
years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the
priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you
have the plans, I've got the
lumber."

Jokes number : 74

"And how much of that stack of hay did you

steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might
as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said

Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

Jokes number : 73

A
lady opened her refrigerator and saw a
rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves,
"What are you doing in
there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't
it?"
The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm

westing."

Jokes number : 72

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.

They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "ok we

can run for it or we can stay here and out number them. And the
other
rabbit says, "were going to run for it you idiot I'm your
brother.

Jokes number : 71

Q: What do you get when you cross a perm

with a rabbit?
A: Curly hare.

Jokes number : 70

Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was

Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!

Jokes number : 69

What do you get if you pour boiling water

down rabbit holes?
Hot, cross bunnies !

Jokes number : 68

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the
world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Jokes number : 67

Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?
For
hare care.

Jokes number : 66

Why did
the rabbits go on strike?
They
wanted a better celery!

Jokes number : 65

Why did the rabbit have trouble
hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!

Jokes number : 64

Why did the rabbit
run out of the fast-food
restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on
a toasted
bunny.

Jokes number : 63

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on
his
head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Jokes number : 62

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?

He didn't have the hare fare.

Jokes number : 61

Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you
tell them apart from goldfish?

Jokes number : 60

Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both
multiply a lot.

Jokes number : 59

Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?

Bunny and Clyde.

Jokes number : 58

Which rabbit was in Western movies?

Hopalong Cassidy.

Jokes number : 57

Which rabbit was a famous female aviator?

Amelia Harehart.

Jokes number : 56

Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the
poor?
Rabbit Hood.

Jokes number : 55

Which rabbit is a famous comedian?
Bob
Hop.

Jokes number : 54

Where do rabbits settle their legal

disputes?
In a pellet court!

Jokes number : 53

When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a
train?
When it's on the train.

Jokes number : 52

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On
their bunnymoon.

Jokes number : 51

When do rabbits have buck teeth?
When their
parents won't get them braces.

Jokes number : 50

What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?

Haremail.

Jokes number : 49

What's the best way to
catch a unique
rabbit?
Unique up on him

Jokes number : 48

What's a rabbits' favourite car?
Any make,
just as long it's a hutchback!

Jokes number : 47

What's a rabbits' favorite TV show?
Hoppy
Days.

Jokes number : 46

What's a rabbits' favorite song?
"Hoppy
Birthday to You."

Jokes number : 45

What's a rabbits' favorite
musical?
Hare.

Jokes number : 44

What's a rabbits' favorite movie?
Rabbits
of the Lost Ark.

Jokes number : 43

What's a rabbits' favorite dance?
The
bunny hop.

Jokes number : 42

What's a rabbits' favorite book?
Hop on
Pop.

Jokes number : 41

What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is
80
million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.

Jokes number : 40

What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?

A harebrush.

Jokes number : 39

What must a policeman have before searching a
rabbits'
home?
A search warren!

Jokes number : 38

What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Hop
rods.

Jokes number : 37

What job do rabbits at hotels have?

Bellhop.

Jokes number : 36

What is the difference between a crazy bunny
and a
counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a
mad bunny!

Jokes number : 35

What does a bunny use when it goes
fishing?
A harenet.

Jokes number : 34

What do you get when you pour hot water down a

rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

Jokes number : 33

What do you get
when you cross a rabbit
with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.

Jokes number : 32

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an

elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

Jokes number : 31

What do
you get when you cross a rabbit
with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.

Jokes number : 30

What do you get when you cross a
rabbit
with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across
the street.

Jokes number : 29

What do you get when you cross a frog and a
rabbit?
A rabbit that says, "Ribbit."

Jokes number : 28

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an
orange?
A pip squeak.

Jokes number : 27

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a

spider?
A harenet.

Jokes number : 26

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a
leek?
A bunion.

Jokes number : 25

What do you get when you cross a bumble bee
with a
rabbit?
A honey bunny.

Jokes number : 24

What do you call the everyday routines of
rabbits?
Rabbits habits.