Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by you
again?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Jokes number : 41
A guy goes to a girl's house
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
herself
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's
standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He
goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
ashtray."
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
herself
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's
standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He
goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
ashtray."
Jokes number : 40
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a
friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the
nose!" he replied
friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the
nose!" he replied
Jokes number : 39
A man walks into a palm reader store and asks
the reader,
"Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and
she says,
"But...I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man
asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
the reader,
"Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and
she says,
"But...I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man
asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
Jokes number : 38
Martin asked David, "In which
state does the
Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid
state."
state does the
Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid
state."
Jokes number : 37
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Jokes number : 36
The world's most incredibly lazy man found
a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three
wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.
"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired
of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The
sumo
wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the
squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click'
to start the
horse!!!"
a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three
wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.
"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired
of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The
sumo
wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the
squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click'
to start the
horse!!!"
Jokes number : 35
The strong young man at the construction site
was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several
minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
put your
money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I
can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old
man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed
the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."
was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several
minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
put your
money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I
can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old
man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed
the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."
Friday, December 30, 2011
Jokes number : 34
Q: Why did the
scientist install a knocker
on his door? A: To win the no-bell
prize.
scientist install a knocker
on his door? A: To win the no-bell
prize.
Jokes number : 33
Q: How many
existentialists does it take to
screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw
it in and one to
observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon
of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
existentialists does it take to
screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw
it in and one to
observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon
of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Jokes number : 30
Q. What did Snow white say when her photos
didn't come back from the photo store?
A. "Some day my prints will
come!"
didn't come back from the photo store?
A. "Some day my prints will
come!"
Jokes number : 29
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A.
All the house plants are
dead, but there's something growing in the
refrigerator.
All the house plants are
dead, but there's something growing in the
refrigerator.
Jokes number : 28
Q: Why couldn't the animals
on Noah's Ark
play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the
deck!
on Noah's Ark
play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the
deck!
Jokes number : 27
So the bus
driver said to the string, "Are
you a string?" and the string said,
"No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed
knot).
driver said to the string, "Are
you a string?" and the string said,
"No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed
knot).
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Jokes number : 26
Q:
How many Survivors does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: One to
start screwing it in and the rest to
vote 'em off the ladder.
How many Survivors does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: One to
start screwing it in and the rest to
vote 'em off the ladder.
Jokes number : 25
Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden
have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
Jokes number : 21
What's the difference between a sigh, a car and
a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you,
dear.
a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you,
dear.
Jokes number : 20
This morning I felt that today was going to be
my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket,
there
were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the
seven
o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.
Did it win?
No,
it came seventh.
my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket,
there
were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the
seven
o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.
Did it win?
No,
it came seventh.
Jokes number : 19
I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion
like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and
want to
marry you.
I love you too, but what was that you said about
Martin !
like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and
want to
marry you.
I love you too, but what was that you said about
Martin !
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Jokes number : 18
Do you love me?
Of course
Then whisper
something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie !
Of course
Then whisper
something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie !
Jokes number : 17
Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I
woke up my pillow was gone !
When I
woke up my pillow was gone !
Jokes number : 15
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin
opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
Jokes number : 13
Did you hear about the man in the electric chair
who
asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
who
asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
Jokes number : 12
Why did the teacher decide to become an
electrician? To get a bit of
light relief.
electrician? To get a bit of
light relief.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Jokes number : 9
The young Southern belle came to the hospital
for a
check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope,"
she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."
for a
check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope,"
she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."
Jokes number : 8
After wedding a young couple rented a town house
in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom,
young woman called the
manager several times, but nothing happened.
Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness
of
the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall
through
the kitchen."
"Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The
bathtub falls through
the living room."
in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom,
young woman called the
manager several times, but nothing happened.
Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness
of
the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall
through
the kitchen."
"Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The
bathtub falls through
the living room."
Jokes number : 6
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down
to
the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was
dipping
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He
dropped the
bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well
now, where's my bucket and where's my
water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole,
Gramma" exclaimed
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind
that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for
a few years now,
and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as
scared of you
as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if
he's as
scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to
drink!"
to
the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was
dipping
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He
dropped the
bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well
now, where's my bucket and where's my
water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole,
Gramma" exclaimed
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind
that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for
a few years now,
and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as
scared of you
as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if
he's as
scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to
drink!"
Jokes number : 5
There once was a German schoolteacher. She went
to England
to teach. When she arrived at the boardinghouse, she wanted
to use
the bathroom of the Water Closet. She sent a note with a
messenger
boy to the host asking where the WC was, thinking that the house
knew what WC stood for. When the host recieved the letter, he wrote a
response thinking that the WC was the Wayside Chapel. He reponse
read:
The WC is 3 miles away. My wife has been sick for a while, so she
was
not able to go for 3 years. The WC can hold up to 300 people at
one
time. The people complained about the hard wooden seats so
instead soft,
plush seats were made. I have reserved for you the best
seat where
EVERYONE can see you!
to England
to teach. When she arrived at the boardinghouse, she wanted
to use
the bathroom of the Water Closet. She sent a note with a
messenger
boy to the host asking where the WC was, thinking that the house
knew what WC stood for. When the host recieved the letter, he wrote a
response thinking that the WC was the Wayside Chapel. He reponse
read:
The WC is 3 miles away. My wife has been sick for a while, so she
was
not able to go for 3 years. The WC can hold up to 300 people at
one
time. The people complained about the hard wooden seats so
instead soft,
plush seats were made. I have reserved for you the best
seat where
EVERYONE can see you!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Jokes number : 2
Two cannibals just finished a big
meal and
one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist
and
says, "You
know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't
agree with
me!"
meal and
one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist
and
says, "You
know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't
agree with
me!"
Jokes number : 1
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in
love?
A: They got married in the spring.
love?
A: They got married in the spring.
Jokes number : 100
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife
said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we
buy
for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied,
"How
about a chair?!?"
said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we
buy
for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied,
"How
about a chair?!?"
Jokes number : 99
How many bankers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the
combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for
that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the
combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for
that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Jokes number : 83
Dawn was
breaking over the camp grounds.
Tony and Steve were lying in their tent.
'That was a terrible thunder
and lightening storm last night,' Tony
announced.
Steve turned
to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I
can't
sleep during a storm!'
breaking over the camp grounds.
Tony and Steve were lying in their tent.
'That was a terrible thunder
and lightening storm last night,' Tony
announced.
Steve turned
to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I
can't
sleep during a storm!'
Jokes number : 82
The
Rocky Mountains are very big and far
apart. It takes a long time for an
echo to bounce back off one of
these mountains.
One night, a camper in the Rockies went to sleep early.
But before
climbing into his sleeping bag he yelled, 'Time to get
up.'
And eight hours later the echo came back and woke him up!
Rocky Mountains are very big and far
apart. It takes a long time for an
echo to bounce back off one of
these mountains.
One night, a camper in the Rockies went to sleep early.
But before
climbing into his sleeping bag he yelled, 'Time to get
up.'
And eight hours later the echo came back and woke him up!
Jokes number : 81
Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was
killed by a garter snake?
Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is
not poisonous.
Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off
a cliff!
killed by a garter snake?
Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is
not poisonous.
Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off
a cliff!
Jokes number : 80
Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents
deep in the woods.
'How far is it to town?' Terry wanted to
know.
'Six miles,' said Debbie.
'That's too far to walk,'
Terry replied.
'It's not too bad,' Debbie said. 'We can each walk
three
miles!'
deep in the woods.
'How far is it to town?' Terry wanted to
know.
'Six miles,' said Debbie.
'That's too far to walk,'
Terry replied.
'It's not too bad,' Debbie said. 'We can each walk
three
miles!'
Jokes number : 79
John was hard at work with
the broom in his
family's tent.
His mother came in and said, 'That's nice. Are you
sweeping out the
tent?'
'No,' John answered. 'I'm sweeping
out the dirt.'
the broom in his
family's tent.
His mother came in and said, 'That's nice. Are you
sweeping out the
tent?'
'No,' John answered. 'I'm sweeping
out the dirt.'
Friday, December 23, 2011
Jokes number : 78
Pierre was a camper from France. In his
honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't
sing very well.
'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked
Pierre.
'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'
honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't
sing very well.
'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked
Pierre.
'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'
Jokes number : 77
Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp.
'How did you find
the steak dinner?' she asked.
'With a
magnifying glass!'
'How did you find
the steak dinner?' she asked.
'With a
magnifying glass!'
Jokes number : 76
Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me
Steve,' he said in the letter.
'Why?' asked his mother in her
reply.
'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me,' he wrote
back.
Steve,' he said in the letter.
'Why?' asked his mother in her
reply.
'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me,' he wrote
back.
Jokes number : 75
Sammy: My parents are sending me to
camp.
Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation?
Sammy: No. They do!
camp.
Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation?
Sammy: No. They do!
Jokes number : 74
One day the counsellor got a
phone call. It
was from a camper who had been at camp the summer before.
The old
camper said, 'I thought of camp yesterday.'
'Why?' the counsellor
asked. 'Where were you?'
'At the garbage dump!' the old camper
answered.
phone call. It
was from a camper who had been at camp the summer before.
The old
camper said, 'I thought of camp yesterday.'
'Why?' the counsellor
asked. 'Where were you?'
'At the garbage dump!' the old camper
answered.
Jokes number : 73
On the last day of camp everyone was asked the
same question:
'What is the best part of the camp?'
One wise
guy answered, 'Going home!'
same question:
'What is the best part of the camp?'
One wise
guy answered, 'Going home!'
Jokes number : 72
New camper: I
thought you said this camp has
no mosquitoes.
Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from
the camp down the
road!
thought you said this camp has
no mosquitoes.
Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from
the camp down the
road!
Jokes number : 71
At the
end of camp, Julie won the prize for
neatest trunk. Her mother was
amazed.
'How did your trunk get
so neat?' she asked her messy daughter.
'It was easy,' said Julie.
'I just never unpacked!'
end of camp, Julie won the prize for
neatest trunk. Her mother was
amazed.
'How did your trunk get
so neat?' she asked her messy daughter.
'It was easy,' said Julie.
'I just never unpacked!'
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Jokes number : 70
The head Counselor gathered all the campers
together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order!
Order!'
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and
fries!'
together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order!
Order!'
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and
fries!'
Jokes number : 69
The Counselor
was talking to the campers
about safety.
She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you fall down and
break a leg,
don't come running to me!'
was talking to the campers
about safety.
She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you fall down and
break a leg,
don't come running to me!'
Jokes number : 68
The Counselor was greeting the new
campers.
'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one.
'Nope,' the
camper answered. 'I was sent to camp!'
campers.
'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one.
'Nope,' the
camper answered. 'I was sent to camp!'
Jokes number : 67
Camper: There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every
cabin!
bunk!
Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every
cabin!
Jokes number : 66
Camper:
There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want
one.
There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want
one.
Jokes number : 65
Camper: There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
bunk!
Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
Jokes number : 64
A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why
don't you play with your friends?' he asked.
'Because I only
have one friend,' the girl replied. 'And I hate
her.'
don't you play with your friends?' he asked.
'Because I only
have one friend,' the girl replied. 'And I hate
her.'
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Jokes number : 61
What happened when the monster kissed his one
true love?
He left lip prints on the mirror!
true love?
He left lip prints on the mirror!
Jokes number : 59
Why did the kangaroo love the little
Australian bear?
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
Australian bear?
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
Jokes number : 55
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I
can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
"I
can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Jokes number : 51
Sharon: I'm so homesick.
Sheila: But this is
your home!
Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
Sheila: But this is
your home!
Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
Jokes number : 50
My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble
is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves
himself.
is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves
himself.
Jokes number : 48
How did the octopus lovers walk down the
road?
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
road?
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Jokes number : 45
Freda: Boys whisper they love me.
Fred: Well,
they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
Fred: Well,
they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
Jokes number : 43
The garbage men were just about to leave the
street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some
cardboard
boxes.
'Am I too late for the garbage ?' she
called.
'No,' replied one of the men, 'jump right in !'
street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some
cardboard
boxes.
'Am I too late for the garbage ?' she
called.
'No,' replied one of the men, 'jump right in !'
Jokes number : 42
Harry was telling his friend about his holiday
in Switzerland. His friend
had never been to Switzerland and asked,
'what did you think of the
scenery ?'
'Oh, I couldn't see
much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these
mountains in the
way.'
in Switzerland. His friend
had never been to Switzerland and asked,
'what did you think of the
scenery ?'
'Oh, I couldn't see
much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these
mountains in the
way.'
Jokes number : 41
A monastery in the English countryside was
having a hard time with its
cash flow because of the dwindling number of
monks available to help
with all the work. Then one day two of the
monks, who had been discussing
the problem, suggested they open a
fish and chips stand down on the
highway, right next to a scenic
vista area popular with tourists. The
other monks agreed, and the two
put up the stand. One day a tourist who
wanted to offer a
compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish
friar?" "No, sir,"
retorted the brother, "I'm the chip
monk."
having a hard time with its
cash flow because of the dwindling number of
monks available to help
with all the work. Then one day two of the
monks, who had been discussing
the problem, suggested they open a
fish and chips stand down on the
highway, right next to a scenic
vista area popular with tourists. The
other monks agreed, and the two
put up the stand. One day a tourist who
wanted to offer a
compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish
friar?" "No, sir,"
retorted the brother, "I'm the chip
monk."
Jokes number : 40
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a
theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of
Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the
next, a
black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep
in Scotland
are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are
black,"
replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist
considers this
for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the
sheep in Scotland is
black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one
side,
anyway."
theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of
Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the
next, a
black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep
in Scotland
are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are
black,"
replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist
considers this
for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the
sheep in Scotland is
black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one
side,
anyway."
Jokes number : 39
Standing at the edge of the lake, a
man saw
a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to
shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay,
where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw
her going
down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But
this is my
mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and
said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?"
man saw
a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to
shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay,
where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw
her going
down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But
this is my
mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and
said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?"
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Jokes number : 36
At a
country-club party a young man was
introduced to an attractive girl. He
immediately began paying her court
and flattering her. The girl liked the young
man, but she was taken
a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was
amazed when,
after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she reacted.
"We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure?
We know
nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man
replied. "For
the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your
father
has his account."
country-club party a young man was
introduced to an attractive girl. He
immediately began paying her court
and flattering her. The girl liked the young
man, but she was taken
a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was
amazed when,
after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she reacted.
"We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure?
We know
nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man
replied. "For
the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your
father
has his account."
Jokes number : 35
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove
his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for
an
immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave
him 6,000. Two
weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, and asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back. The loan
officer checked the records
and told him, "That will be $6,000 in
principal, and $18.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and started
to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan
officer said, "while you were
gone, I found out you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow? The man smiled.
"Where else could I securely park my
Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t
wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for
an
immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave
him 6,000. Two
weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, and asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back. The loan
officer checked the records
and told him, "That will be $6,000 in
principal, and $18.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and started
to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan
officer said, "while you were
gone, I found out you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow? The man smiled.
"Where else could I securely park my
Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t
wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
Jokes number : 34
A young banker decided to get his first tailor
made
suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured
for a
suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put
on the suit
and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can
do business. As
he was preening himself in front of the mirror he
reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he
noticed that there were
no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor
who asked him, "Didn't
you tell me you were a banker?" The young
man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard
of a banker with his hands in
his own pockets?"
made
suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured
for a
suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put
on the suit
and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can
do business. As
he was preening himself in front of the mirror he
reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he
noticed that there were
no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor
who asked him, "Didn't
you tell me you were a banker?" The young
man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard
of a banker with his hands in
his own pockets?"
Jokes number : 33
A woman walks into a bank
in New York City
and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to
Europe on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer
says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan, so the
woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked
on the
street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
An
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks
it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000.
and the interest
which is $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction
has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow
$5000
?"
The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my
car for 2
weeks for $15.00?"
in New York City
and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to
Europe on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer
says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan, so the
woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked
on the
street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
An
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks
it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000.
and the interest
which is $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction
has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow
$5000
?"
The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my
car for 2
weeks for $15.00?"
Jokes number : 32
A young family moved into a
house next door
to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start
building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old
daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the
workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough, all of them - more
or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch
breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel
important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home
to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they
got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a crew
building a house all week". "My goodness
gracious", said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house
again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber
yard ever bring us the
f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
house next door
to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start
building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old
daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the
workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough, all of them - more
or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch
breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel
important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home
to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they
got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a crew
building a house all week". "My goodness
gracious", said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house
again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber
yard ever bring us the
f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
Jokes number : 31
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the
recently
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped
into the house
to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the
door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am
waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
daughter-in-law
replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my
love
dress." the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You
are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it
when I wear this dress. It makes him happy
and he makes me happy."
said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate it if you left now
because my husband will be home
any minute." The daughter-in-law
continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law
left. On the
way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an
idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume
and waited by the
door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place
by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his
wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe
you should iron it." he replied.
recently
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped
into the house
to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the
door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am
waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
daughter-in-law
replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my
love
dress." the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You
are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it
when I wear this dress. It makes him happy
and he makes me happy."
said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate it if you left now
because my husband will be home
any minute." The daughter-in-law
continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law
left. On the
way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an
idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume
and waited by the
door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place
by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his
wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe
you should iron it." he replied.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Jokes number : 29
Seems a guy was driving for hours
thu
desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could
react, a
cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat.
Out
of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came
to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat
in
front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this
might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead
of just
driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do
you know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got
up, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"
thu
desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could
react, a
cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat.
Out
of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came
to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat
in
front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this
might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead
of just
driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do
you know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got
up, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"
Jokes number : 28
Coleman
moved to Wyoming and was sitting in
the unemployment office applying for a
job. "Have you any
experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk.
"Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he
replied. "They're using that new safety lamp
down there now, aren't
they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said
Coleman. "I worked on the day
shift."
moved to Wyoming and was sitting in
the unemployment office applying for a
job. "Have you any
experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk.
"Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he
replied. "They're using that new safety lamp
down there now, aren't
they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said
Coleman. "I worked on the day
shift."
Jokes number : 27
Q: How many circus performers does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One to change the
bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One to change the
bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
Jokes number : 26
Q: How many Mafia
hitmen does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and
one to shoot the
witness.
hitmen does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and
one to shoot the
witness.
Jokes number : 25
Clown: Why are you wearing such a large
shirt?
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
shirt?
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
Jokes number : 24
It was so hot when we went on holiday last
year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
Jokes number : 23
Did you hear about the man who jumped in the
Hudson River?
He committed sewercide.
Hudson River?
He committed sewercide.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Jokes number : 21
Dad, did you manage to
fix my toy? No, it's
not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape
should it be?
fix my toy? No, it's
not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape
should it be?
Jokes number : 20
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the
man who arranged the loans.
'I'm sorry, sir,' said a
cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to
lunch.'
'Can I speak
to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
man who arranged the loans.
'I'm sorry, sir,' said a
cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to
lunch.'
'Can I speak
to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
Jokes number : 19
What's the
best way to increase the size of
your bank balance? Look at it through a
magnifying glass.
best way to increase the size of
your bank balance? Look at it through a
magnifying glass.
Jokes number : 18
Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open
an account with this
sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
an account with this
sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
Jokes number : 17
When Fred was applying for
a credit card,
the manager of the credit card company asked him if he
had much money
in the bank. "I have," said Fred.
"How much?" asked the manager.
"I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it
lately."
a credit card,
the manager of the credit card company asked him if he
had much money
in the bank. "I have," said Fred.
"How much?" asked the manager.
"I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it
lately."
Jokes number : 16
At the scene of a bank raid
the police
officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got
away, sir!"
The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the
exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?"
"He left by one
of the entrances, sir!"
the police
officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got
away, sir!"
The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the
exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?"
"He left by one
of the entrances, sir!"
Jokes number : 15
A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last
night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still
hunting for the clots.
night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still
hunting for the clots.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Jokes number : 14
A magician was employed by a
Shipping Line
to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain
owned a
parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by
the
magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He
does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician
was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he
was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he
maintained an
angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the
parrot continued to harass the
unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into
a mine which had become
detached from the sea floor after a storm.
The explosion tore the bow off the
ship which sank within a few
minutes. Amid the wreckage and the
lifeboats, the magician sat on one
end of a table from the first class dining
room. At the other end
sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his
feathers caked with f
uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently
saying
nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across
the
table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up,"
he
squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
Shipping Line
to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain
owned a
parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by
the
magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He
does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician
was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he
was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he
maintained an
angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the
parrot continued to harass the
unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into
a mine which had become
detached from the sea floor after a storm.
The explosion tore the bow off the
ship which sank within a few
minutes. Amid the wreckage and the
lifeboats, the magician sat on one
end of a table from the first class dining
room. At the other end
sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his
feathers caked with f
uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently
saying
nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across
the
table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up,"
he
squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
Jokes number : 13
What happened to the wizard who ran away with
the circus?
The police made him bring it back again.
the circus?
The police made him bring it back again.
Jokes number : 12
Did you hear
about the ghoul's favorite
hotel? It had running rot and mould in every
room.
about the ghoul's favorite
hotel? It had running rot and mould in every
room.
Jokes number : 11
After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were
discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think
much of
the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was
great!"
enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept
throwing those
knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her
once."
discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think
much of
the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was
great!"
enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept
throwing those
knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her
once."
Jokes number : 9
My mother-in-law has got
so many double
chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of
pancakes.
so many double
chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of
pancakes.
Jokes number : 8
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your
grandma's
bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
grandma's
bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Jokes number : 6
Why did the janitor take early retirement?
Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
Jokes number : 3
Did you hear
about the fire in the rednecks
library? Both the books got burned, and one
hadn't even been
coloured in yet.
about the fire in the rednecks
library? Both the books got burned, and one
hadn't even been
coloured in yet.
Jokes number : 2
What is the difference
between a English
actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how
many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give
you their names...
between a English
actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how
many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give
you their names...
Jokes number : 1
The young wife was in tears when she opened
the door for her
husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your
mother insulted
me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a
hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning
and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the
insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear
Alice, don't
forget to give this letter to George.'"
the door for her
husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your
mother insulted
me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a
hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning
and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the
insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear
Alice, don't
forget to give this letter to George.'"
Jokes number : 100
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for
fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess
which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day,
he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The
red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?"
"I don't like her."
he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for
fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess
which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day,
he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The
red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?"
"I don't like her."
Jokes number : 99
A woman reported
the disappearance of her
husband to the police. The
officer looked at the guy's photograph,
questioned her, and then asked
if
she wanted to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him
Mother didn't come after
all."
the disappearance of her
husband to the police. The
officer looked at the guy's photograph,
questioned her, and then asked
if
she wanted to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him
Mother didn't come after
all."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Jokes number : 98
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies
today. Would you like to
take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks.
I'll just use the hammer.
today. Would you like to
take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks.
I'll just use the hammer.
Jokes number : 97
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock
almost
killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up
from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock
always was
slow."
almost
killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up
from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock
always was
slow."
Jokes number : 96
I used to not get on with my
mother-in-law,
but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment
for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin
to keep her
mouth shut!
mother-in-law,
but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment
for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin
to keep her
mouth shut!
Jokes number : 95
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with
newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
Jokes number : 94
My
mother-in-law was bitten by a dog
yesterday.
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
mother-in-law was bitten by a dog
yesterday.
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
Jokes number : 93
My mother-in-law is like a fine French
Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a
distance.
Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a
distance.
Jokes number : 92
Steve,
Bob and Jeff are all working on some
very high scaffolding. Suddenly,
Steve falls off and is killed
instantly. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff
realise they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good with
this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers
to do it. After two
hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell
her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did
you get the
six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims
Jeff. "You just told
her that her husband died, and she gave you a
six-pack?!" "Sure.
When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was
Steve's
widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You
must be
mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you
are!'"
Bob and Jeff are all working on some
very high scaffolding. Suddenly,
Steve falls off and is killed
instantly. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff
realise they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good with
this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers
to do it. After two
hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell
her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did
you get the
six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims
Jeff. "You just told
her that her husband died, and she gave you a
six-pack?!" "Sure.
When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was
Steve's
widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You
must be
mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you
are!'"
Jokes number : 91
There was an engineer who had an
exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine
fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The
engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated,
"This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemize
d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the
following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it:
$49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.
exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine
fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The
engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated,
"This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemize
d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the
following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it:
$49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Jokes number : 90
A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her
morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how
tired
she looked.
"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well
last night, I had this really
strange dream."
"Do tell" said
her neighbor, pouring the coffee.
"Well, I dreamed I woke up and
went downstairs as usual, but when I
looked in the mirror my face
had turned orange, and my hair was sticking
straight up out of my
head and was green!"
"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker
or something" the neighbor
said, with a grin.
"No" she said,
"It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something
was wrong, but
it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"
"Sure" said
the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."
"Well anyway"
she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail,
because even
in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the
heck
if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep
feeling everybody looking at me!
"Then I get a good look at
myself in the big window in front of the
store, and I'll be darned
if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I
stumbled backwards and
got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor
down the street. The
last thing I remember before I woke up was him
bending over me,
telling me his diagnosis."
"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you
live?"
"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd
be a
vegetable the rest of my life."
morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how
tired
she looked.
"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well
last night, I had this really
strange dream."
"Do tell" said
her neighbor, pouring the coffee.
"Well, I dreamed I woke up and
went downstairs as usual, but when I
looked in the mirror my face
had turned orange, and my hair was sticking
straight up out of my
head and was green!"
"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker
or something" the neighbor
said, with a grin.
"No" she said,
"It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something
was wrong, but
it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"
"Sure" said
the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."
"Well anyway"
she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail,
because even
in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the
heck
if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep
feeling everybody looking at me!
"Then I get a good look at
myself in the big window in front of the
store, and I'll be darned
if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I
stumbled backwards and
got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor
down the street. The
last thing I remember before I woke up was him
bending over me,
telling me his diagnosis."
"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you
live?"
"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd
be a
vegetable the rest of my life."
Jokes number : 89
Three friends were stranded on a desert
island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were
beginning to lose heart.
Suddenly, a bottle floated into the
shore and a beautiful genie popped
out. She said "I have three
wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can
make one wish come true."
Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas
with
dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by
music, food,
and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish
granted.
Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home
right now
with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our
log cabin in
the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing
Christmas carols
together." Just like that, he disappeared.
The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"
He
answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me
dec
ide..."
island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were
beginning to lose heart.
Suddenly, a bottle floated into the
shore and a beautiful genie popped
out. She said "I have three
wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can
make one wish come true."
Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas
with
dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by
music, food,
and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish
granted.
Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home
right now
with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our
log cabin in
the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing
Christmas carols
together." Just like that, he disappeared.
The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"
He
answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me
dec
ide..."
Jokes number : 88
Once there was a millionaire
who had a
collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the
back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
was
single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party
he
announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon
as
he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The
guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he
can. They
cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming
man makes it
to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so
impressed, e says,
"My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be
done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.
Which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The
man says, "Listen, I don't want
your money. I don't want your
daughter, either. I want the person who
pushed me in that water!"
who had a
collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the
back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
was
single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party
he
announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon
as
he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The
guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he
can. They
cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming
man makes it
to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so
impressed, e says,
"My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be
done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.
Which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The
man says, "Listen, I don't want
your money. I don't want your
daughter, either. I want the person who
pushed me in that water!"
Jokes number : 87
A
young man was strolling down a street. As
he passed a large building with
a fence around it, he heard a group
of people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then
he spotted
a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people
sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and
poked him in the eye. As
he staggered back, the old people started
chanting, "Fourteen,
fourteen, fourteen..."
young man was strolling down a street. As
he passed a large building with
a fence around it, he heard a group
of people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then
he spotted
a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people
sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and
poked him in the eye. As
he staggered back, the old people started
chanting, "Fourteen,
fourteen, fourteen..."
Jokes number : 86
A wife and her
husband were having a dinner
party for all the major status figures in Rome,
Italy.
The
wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to
the
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very
grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out
the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
walking alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come
down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he
looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They
got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted
afterwards
and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!
My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed
his
bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all
the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He
was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in
the door way wondering where he's been
all this time.
He
looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
husband were having a dinner
party for all the major status figures in Rome,
Italy.
The
wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to
the
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very
grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out
the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
walking alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come
down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he
looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They
got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted
afterwards
and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!
My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed
his
bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all
the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He
was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in
the door way wondering where he's been
all this time.
He
looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Jokes number : 85
Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and
discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times,"
Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing
to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I
cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand
me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was
lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a
woman while I was on a
cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great
conversationalist
and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her
on that
ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was
motion sickness!" Bill replies.
discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times,"
Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing
to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I
cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand
me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was
lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a
woman while I was on a
cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great
conversationalist
and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her
on that
ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was
motion sickness!" Bill replies.
Jokes number : 84
How many applicants does it take to change
a
light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
a
light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
Jokes number : 83
How many tax advisors does it take to change a
light bulb?
"In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in
Hawaii, dealing
exactly with this issue."
light bulb?
"In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in
Hawaii, dealing
exactly with this issue."
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Jokes number : 82
How many tax auditors
does it take to find a
$1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake
and two to discuss the significance of
it.
does it take to find a
$1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake
and two to discuss the significance of
it.
Jokes number : 81
How many social
scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light
bulbs; they search for the
root cause as to why the last one went
out.
scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light
bulbs; they search for the
root cause as to why the last one went
out.
Jokes number : 80
How many librarians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
Jokes number : 76
Why was the horseman fired from his job of
saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Jokes number : 74
How
many civil servants does it take to
change a light bulb? Twelve. One to
change the bulb, and eleven to do
the paperwork.
many civil servants does it take to
change a light bulb? Twelve. One to
change the bulb, and eleven to do
the paperwork.
Jokes number : 73
How many cashiers does it take
to change a
light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar
bill."
to change a
light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar
bill."
Jokes number : 72
How many brewers does it take to
change a
light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
change a
light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
Jokes number : 71
How many architects does it take to change a
light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals
who are
doing this quiet complicated task.
light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals
who are
doing this quiet complicated task.
Jokes number : 70
How many archaeologists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
one is.
light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
one is.
Jokes number : 69
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert
in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called
the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed.
To which
the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A
week
later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called
the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed.
To which
the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A
week
later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
Jokes number : 68
Abraham wanted a
new suit, so he bought a
nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first
tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured
Abraham, then told
him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy
with this opinion and sought another tailor. This
tailor measured
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and
said, "There
is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a
vest,
please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham
came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's
son wearing
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just
how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when
the other
tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the
tailor, "The other tailor has two
sons."
new suit, so he bought a
nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first
tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured
Abraham, then told
him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy
with this opinion and sought another tailor. This
tailor measured
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and
said, "There
is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a
vest,
please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham
came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's
son wearing
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just
how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when
the other
tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the
tailor, "The other tailor has two
sons."
Jokes number : 67
A man is hired by the circus to perform a
necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the
elephants in the center
ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they
walk about. After a
rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the
circus cafeteria, sits with
other workers, and begins complaining
about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those
huge beasts and first
dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they
produce. My arms are tired,
my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return
home, because of the
stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable
job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some
skills
and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I
just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the
elephants in the center
ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they
walk about. After a
rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the
circus cafeteria, sits with
other workers, and begins complaining
about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those
huge beasts and first
dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they
produce. My arms are tired,
my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return
home, because of the
stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable
job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some
skills
and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I
just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
Friday, December 9, 2011
Jokes number : 66
A man was given the job of painting the white
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
can."
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
can."
Jokes number : 65
Two women were sitting by the pool, and one
asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh
water or
sea water? The cruise director answered,
"Sea water." "Oh, that
explains why it's so rough
today."
asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh
water or
sea water? The cruise director answered,
"Sea water." "Oh, that
explains why it's so rough
today."
Jokes number : 64
A newlywed couple, after bringing their
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
view
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
parking
lot!"
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
view
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
parking
lot!"
Jokes number : 63
Two guys are talking:
(1) - I've bought a
tour to my mother-in-law.
(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!
(1) - Why
not, to Bagdad.
(1) - I've bought a
tour to my mother-in-law.
(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!
(1) - Why
not, to Bagdad.
Jokes number : 62
Two friends: - I heard that you have
founded
a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
-
We are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a
brother?
- No, why do you ask?
founded
a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
-
We are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a
brother?
- No, why do you ask?
Jokes number : 61
One afternoon, a man was riding in
the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
feet tall!"
the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
feet tall!"
Jokes number : 60
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of
drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: What
were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the
pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing
peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond
as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM
Peanuts!
drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: What
were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the
pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing
peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond
as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM
Peanuts!
Jokes number : 59
A man has a racehorse, never won a
race. Man
in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk
wagon
tomorrow morning." The starting gate opens, the horses take-off,
they
move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He
kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half
asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."
race. Man
in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk
wagon
tomorrow morning." The starting gate opens, the horses take-off,
they
move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He
kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half
asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Jokes number : 57
A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and
asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean
a
pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the horseman. "If I
can
get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to
come with
it!"
asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean
a
pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the horseman. "If I
can
get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to
come with
it!"
Jokes number : 54
You said this horse could
jump as high as a
ten foot fence and he can't jump at all.
Well neither can a
fence!
jump as high as a
ten foot fence and he can't jump at all.
Well neither can a
fence!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Jokes number : 49
Why is it difficult to
identify horses from
the back?
They're always switching their tails!
identify horses from
the back?
They're always switching their tails!
Jokes number : 48
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the
horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the
horse and
you can kiss your money goodbye!
Because the
horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the
horse and
you can kiss your money goodbye!
Jokes number : 47
Why is Dick Clark a
favourite star with
horses?
Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!
favourite star with
horses?
Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Jokes number : 42
Why did the horse stir his cereal with his
hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!
hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!
Jokes number : 37
Why did the artist put on a show of
horse
paintings?
He wanted to mount an exhibit!
horse
paintings?
He wanted to mount an exhibit!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Jokes number : 34
Who did the breeder call when his horse was
possessed by an evil spirit?
An exhorsist!
possessed by an evil spirit?
An exhorsist!
Jokes number : 33
Which route should you take through the woods
when riding a fizzy horse?
The psycho-path!
when riding a fizzy horse?
The psycho-path!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Jokes number : 22
What is the strongest
animal?
A
racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at
once!
animal?
A
racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at
once!
Jokes number : 21
What is the difference between a horse and a
duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Jokes number : 13
What has four legs and see just as well from
either end?
A horse with his eyes closed!
either end?
A horse with his eyes closed!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Jokes number : 10
What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he
saw she had
no clothes on?
It made him shy!
saw she had
no clothes on?
It made him shy!
Jokes number : 5
What does it mean if you find a horse
shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Jokes number : 57
A religious man is on top of a roof
during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get
in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause "God
will grant him a
miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, "I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter."
during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get
in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause "God
will grant him a
miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, "I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter."
Jokes number : 56
A cat and a mouse died on the same
day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them
'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'
day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them
'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'
Jokes number : 55
A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'
Friday, November 25, 2011
Jokes number : 54
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of
kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few
moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for
travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few
moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?"
when a man walks
up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of
kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few
moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for
travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few
moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?"
Jokes number : 53
This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
Jokes number : 52
Three men die and go to heaven and
queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of
money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?
Roger:
60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a
living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?
queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of
money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?
Roger:
60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a
living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?
Jokes number : 51
So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.
"Wow!"
the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The
man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl
singer."
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.
"Wow!"
the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The
man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl
singer."
Jokes number : 50
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand
it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck."
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand
it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck."
Jokes number : 49
Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This
reminds me of
Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the
other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'"
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This
reminds me of
Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the
other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'"
Jokes number : 48
Three people die, a Doctor a school
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would
do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go
in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught
educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may
go
in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.'
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would
do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go
in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught
educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may
go
in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.'
Jokes number : 47
One day while walking down the street
a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and
smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff."
a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and
smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff."
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Jokes number : 46
President Clinton died and knocked at
the
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."
After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze
over."
the
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."
After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze
over."
Jokes number : 45
A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the
hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the
Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the
referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the
hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the
Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the
referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
Jokes number : 44
There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he
began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with
him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.
The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he
began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with
him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.
The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"
Jokes number : 43
A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St.
Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says,
"Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the
gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
here.
St.
Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says,
"Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the
gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
here.
Jokes number : 42
One day at the entrance to heaven, St.
Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,
"God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do
I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New
Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,
"God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do
I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New
Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
Jokes number : 41
Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
Jokes number : 40
Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!" Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man
said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!" Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man
said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Jokes number : 39
Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.
"That's right! You may
enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.
"That's right! You may
enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Jokes number : 38
This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the
next
room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
"Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!"
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the
next
room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
"Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!"
Jokes number : 37
St. Peter is questioning three married
couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he
answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you
even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."
couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he
answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you
even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."
Jokes number : 36
Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're
Carol's."
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're
Carol's."
Jokes number : 35
Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.
They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's
moving!"
they go to heaven to an
orientation.
They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's
moving!"
Jokes number : 34
Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find
his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil
over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan
agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?"
replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered
God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a
lawyer?"
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find
his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil
over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan
agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?"
replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered
God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a
lawyer?"
Jokes number : 33
A fellow finds himself in front of
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in
heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.
Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter
was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in
heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.
Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter
was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Jokes number : 32
Two men died and went to Heaven. St.
Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy,
"I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!"
"No
problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And
what
do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like
to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"
Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy,
"I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!"
"No
problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And
what
do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like
to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Jokes number : 28
What do Alexander the
Great and Winnie the
Pooh have in common ?
They both have 'the' as their middle names
!
Great and Winnie the
Pooh have in common ?
They both have 'the' as their middle names
!
Jokes number : 27
What does the 1286BC incribed on
the
mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the car that ran him over
!
the
mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the car that ran him over
!
Jokes number : 25
When crossing the Delaware River why did
George Washington
stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat
down that someone would give him an oar to
row !
George Washington
stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat
down that someone would give him an oar to
row !
Jokes number : 24
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he
had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got
up earlier and caught the school bus like
everyone else !
had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got
up earlier and caught the school bus like
everyone else !
Jokes number : 23
Do you know the 20th President of the United
States ?
No, we were never introduced !
States ?
No, we were never introduced !
Monday, November 21, 2011
Jokes number : 22
How did you do in
your tests ?
I did
what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history
!
your tests ?
I did
what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history
!
Jokes number : 20
Why did the pioneers cross
the country in
covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a
train !
the country in
covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a
train !
Jokes number : 19
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia
?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family ?
Didn't you say
there was a quack in it !
?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family ?
Didn't you say
there was a quack in it !
Jokes number : 15
The Spanish explorers went round the world in
a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile !
a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile !
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Jokes number : 12
I'm learning ancient history ?
So am I,
lets go for a walk and talk over old times !
So am I,
lets go for a walk and talk over old times !
Jokes number : 10
What was the first think Queen
Elizabeth
did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !
Elizabeth
did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Jokes number : 5
When were King Arthur's army too tired to
fight
?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
fight
?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
Jokes number : 99
Why were the early days of history called the
dark ages ?
Because there were so many knights !
dark ages ?
Because there were so many knights !
Friday, November 18, 2011
Jokes number : 97
Why did the Romans build
straight roads
?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend !
straight roads
?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend !
Jokes number : 96
When did Caesar reign ?
I didn't know he
reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?
I didn't know he
reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?
Jokes number : 93
Why does history keep repeating itself
?
Because we weren't listening the first time !
?
Because we weren't listening the first time !
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Jokes number : 89
Why did the Pilgrims create
Thanksgiving?
They wanted another excuse to watch football.
Thanksgiving?
They wanted another excuse to watch football.
Jokes number : 87
A guy walks in to the
Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That's
how you cut it last time"
Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That's
how you cut it last time"
Jokes number : 86
A woman was cutting her husband's
thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious
qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.
"And more hair than Dad," added their son.
thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious
qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.
"And more hair than Dad," added their son.
Jokes number : 84
A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl
answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, "How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."
Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get
such cool
green hair?"
Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, "It's natural."
He walked by one
and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl
answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, "How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."
Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get
such cool
green hair?"
Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, "It's natural."
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Jokes number : 78
What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser and a bucket
of cement ?
Permanent waves !
hairdresser and a bucket
of cement ?
Permanent waves !
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Jokes number : 71
Why did the bald man put a rabbit
on
his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
on
his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
Jokes number : 68
If the Pilgrims came over on the
Mayflower, how did the
barbers arrive?
On clipper ships.
Mayflower, how did the
barbers arrive?
On clipper ships.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Jokes number : 64
Karen: Have you noticed
that Daddy
is getting taller ?
Sharon: No, why ?
Karen: His head is sticking
through his hair.
that Daddy
is getting taller ?
Sharon: No, why ?
Karen: His head is sticking
through his hair.
Jokes number : 61
Customer: Why did
you take off so
much hair?
Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.
you take off so
much hair?
Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.
Jokes number : 60
Customer: Couldn't you see I was going
bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
Jokes number : 59
What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.
hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Jokes number : 57
Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair
all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!
all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!
Jokes number : 56
Teacher: I see
you don't cut your
hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.
you don't cut your
hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.
Jokes number : 55
Janet came home from school and asked
her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.
"No," said Mom. "It's glue."
"I thought so," said Janet.
"I
wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."
her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.
"No," said Mom. "It's glue."
"I thought so," said Janet.
"I
wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."
Jokes number : 52
Doctor, Doctor my
hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?
Yes, here is a paper
bag !
hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?
Yes, here is a paper
bag !
Jokes number : 51
Barber: Were
you wearing a red scarf
when you came in? Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have
cut your throat.
you wearing a red scarf
when you came in? Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have
cut your throat.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Jokes number : 50
My barber is a specialist in road map
shaves.
How come?
When he's finished, your face is full of
short cuts.
shaves.
How come?
When he's finished, your face is full of
short cuts.
Jokes number : 49
Barber: And how
old are you, little
man?
Fred: Eight.
Barber: And do you want a haircut?
Fred:
Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!
old are you, little
man?
Fred: Eight.
Barber: And do you want a haircut?
Fred:
Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!
Jokes number : 48
Barber: Your hair is getting grey,
Sir.
Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?
Sir.
Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?
Jokes number : 47
Why does a barber never shave a man with
a
wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.
a
wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.
Jokes number : 45
How much for a haircut?
Barber:
Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.
Right - shave my head.
Barber:
Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.
Right - shave my head.
Jokes number : 44
A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an
empty
chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked the barber.
"No, just
change the oil, please!"
empty
chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked the barber.
"No, just
change the oil, please!"
Jokes number : 43
A man sitting in a barber's
chair
noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented
on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a
shampoo yet."
chair
noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented
on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a
shampoo yet."
Friday, November 11, 2011
Jokes number : 40
Doctor, doctor, can you give me
something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one
will come near enough to notice
you're bald.
something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one
will come near enough to notice
you're bald.
Jokes number : 38
America's
oldest lady was 115 years
old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her
head.
How
come?
She's completely bald.
oldest lady was 115 years
old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her
head.
How
come?
She's completely bald.
Jokes number : 37
Look at that bald man over there.
It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
Jokes number : 36
What do you call
an English teacher,
five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils
and totally bald?
Sir!
an English teacher,
five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils
and totally bald?
Sir!
Jokes number : 35
First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch
and didn't turn a hair!
Second boy: I'm not surprised - your
dad's bald!
and didn't turn a hair!
Second boy: I'm not surprised - your
dad's bald!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Jokes number : 34
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat
on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe
shine." The barber
began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young
lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one
shaving you."
on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe
shine." The barber
began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young
lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one
shaving you."
Jokes number : 30
a guy was teased everywhere of his
totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that
he
should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest
statue and
shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM
TALLER
THAN MY HAIR!'
totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that
he
should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest
statue and
shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM
TALLER
THAN MY HAIR!'
Jokes number : 28
After accepting an
invitation to
dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants
to
lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a
handsome face and room for another one."
invitation to
dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants
to
lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a
handsome face and room for another one."
Jokes number : 27
The Sunday
School teacher asked if
any of the children's parents had quoted from
the Bible in the past
week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up,
"My daddy doesn't
have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put
hair on everything
that he was ashamed of."
School teacher asked if
any of the children's parents had quoted from
the Bible in the past
week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up,
"My daddy doesn't
have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put
hair on everything
that he was ashamed of."
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