Whats the definition of love,
true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Jokes number : 81
Whats the difference between your wife and your
job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.
job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.
Jokes number : 80
Whats the difference
between a bitch and a
whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a
bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.
between a bitch and a
whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a
bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.
Jokes number : 79
Why
does a bride smile when she walks up the
aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
does a bride smile when she walks up the
aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
Jokes number : 78
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them
spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Both of them
spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Jokes number : 77
Why do
hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.
hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.
Jokes number : 76
Whats the difference between premenstrual
tension
and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural
problem.
tension
and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural
problem.
Jokes number : 75
Whats the difference between oral sex
and
anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
and
anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Jokes number : 74
What should you do
if your girlfriend starts
smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
if your girlfriend starts
smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
Jokes number : 73
What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.
Jokes number : 69
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to
wait an hour
for a three minute ride
wait an hour
for a three minute ride
Jokes number : 68
Did you ever
blow bubbles as as child? Yeh,
well he's back in town and wants your new
number.
blow bubbles as as child? Yeh,
well he's back in town and wants your new
number.
Jokes number : 67
A young woman goes to her doctor
complaining
that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor
examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out
with a
Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said
"Well tell him his ear
rings aren't real gold!!!"
complaining
that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor
examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out
with a
Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said
"Well tell him his ear
rings aren't real gold!!!"
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Jokes number : 66
Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN
AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?
A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A
DWARF?
AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?
A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A
DWARF?
Jokes number : 65
This women had a magic morror from which
anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror
and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran
down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up
stairs
and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could
touch the
floor and his legs fell off !
anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror
and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran
down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up
stairs
and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could
touch the
floor and his legs fell off !
Jokes number : 63
Did u know that a condom had a serial number?
No, I never
had to unroll one that far.
No, I never
had to unroll one that far.
Jokes number : 62
Q: What is it that
all men have one of;
it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope
doesn't use his; and
a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
A: surname
all men have one of;
it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope
doesn't use his; and
a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
A: surname
Jokes number : 61
Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts,
and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar
and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar
Jokes number : 60
Q:
What can you find in a man's pants that
is about six inches long, has
a head on it, and that women love so
much that they often blow it? A: a
$20 bill
What can you find in a man's pants that
is about six inches long, has
a head on it, and that women love so
much that they often blow it? A: a
$20 bill
Jokes number : 59
Q: What is a four-letter
word that ends in
'k' and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk
word that ends in
'k' and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Jokes number : 58
A man went into a store to buy some condoms.
"That's 1 dollar
15 plus tax," said the store assistant. "I don't
need tacks," said
the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."
"That's 1 dollar
15 plus tax," said the store assistant. "I don't
need tacks," said
the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."
Jokes number : 56
I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She
said, "No, I hate myself now."
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She
said, "No, I hate myself now."
Jokes number : 55
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,
provided you
get between the right man and the right woman.
provided you
get between the right man and the right woman.
Jokes number : 54
Why is
sex like a game of bridge? -You
don't need a partner if you have a good
hand.
sex like a game of bridge? -You
don't need a partner if you have a good
hand.
Jokes number : 52
Wife: "Why don't you ever callout my name when
we're making love?" ! Husband: "Because I don't want to wake
you."
we're making love?" ! Husband: "Because I don't want to wake
you."
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Jokes number : 48
I love the lines men use to get us into bed.
"Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a
microwave?
"Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a
microwave?
Jokes number : 46
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up
in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Jokes number : 44
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman
have
between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
have
between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Jokes number : 43
Q: What are the
small bumps around a woman s
nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'
small bumps around a woman s
nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'
Monday, April 25, 2011
Jokes number : 41
Q: Whats the difference between erotic and
kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the
whole
chicken.
kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the
whole
chicken.
Jokes number : 40
Q: Whats
the difference between a 90s woman
and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won't accept a
three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
the difference between a 90s woman
and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won't accept a
three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Jokes number : 39
Q: Did you hear about the new
blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Jokes number : 36
Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a
man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Jokes number : 34
Q: What is the difference between a hog
and
a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all
night just so
he can f*** some pig.
and
a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all
night just so
he can f*** some pig.
Jokes number : 32
Q: What is the difference between
medium and
rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
medium and
rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
Jokes number : 31
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a
toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss all three.
toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss all three.
Jokes number : 30
Q: How is a penis like
fishing?
A: The
small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the
larger
ones you mount.
fishing?
A: The
small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the
larger
ones you mount.
Jokes number : 28
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day,
Father's have
Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Father's have
Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Jokes number : 26
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is
having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!
having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!
Jokes number : 25
Q: What do men and sperm
have in
common?
A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
have in
common?
A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
Jokes number : 24
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm
white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Jokes number : 23
Q: What do
electric trains and breasts have
in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who
usually end up
playing with them.
electric trains and breasts have
in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who
usually end up
playing with them.
Jokes number : 22
Q: Why don't women have
men's
brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
men's
brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Jokes number : 21
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A:
Because they are plugged into a genius.
A:
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Jokes number : 20
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You
never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long
it will last.
A: You
never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long
it will last.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Jokes number : 18
Q: What did the blonde do
when she got her
period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot
her?
when she got her
period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot
her?
Jokes number : 17
Q: What does the Bermuda
Triangle and
blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Triangle and
blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Jokes number : 16
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
Jokes number : 15
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.
broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.
Jokes number : 14
Q: What's the difference between
a blonde
and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you
around for two weeks
whining.
a blonde
and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you
around for two weeks
whining.
Jokes number : 13
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the
world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Jokes number : 12
Q: What's the difference between a
counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Jokes number : 9
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1:
(Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
A1:
(Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Jokes number : 8
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after
she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Jokes number : 7
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than
horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets
during
parades.
horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets
during
parades.
Jokes number : 5
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp,
and
another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4
f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
and
another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4
f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
Jokes number : 3
Q: What do blondes and
cow-pats have in
common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
cow-pats have in
common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Jokes number : 2
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line
of blondes and a
magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of
stunts.
of blondes and a
magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of
stunts.
Jokes number : 1
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in
common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both
f*cked.
common?
A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both
f*cked.
Jokes number : 99
Q:
WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When
they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay
down.
WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When
they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay
down.
Jokes number : 98
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls
down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
A: She pulls
down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Jokes number : 97
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her
virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Jokes number : 94
Q: WHY DON`T
BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A:
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A:
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Jokes number : 93
Q: How do you get a
blonde pregnant?
A:
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
blonde pregnant?
A:
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Jokes number : 90
Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more
brain
cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you
played with their tits.
brain
cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you
played with their tits.
Jokes number : 89
While
participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had
her first sexual experience,
going to bed with a stunning foreign
participant. Upon returning to her
hometown, she promptly went to
confession. After receiving absolution,
the gymnast was so delighted
that she did cartwheels down the aisle to
the door. Waiting her turn,
Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, "can you
believe what Father
Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me
not to be wearing
panties."
participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had
her first sexual experience,
going to bed with a stunning foreign
participant. Upon returning to her
hometown, she promptly went to
confession. After receiving absolution,
the gymnast was so delighted
that she did cartwheels down the aisle to
the door. Waiting her turn,
Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, "can you
believe what Father
Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me
not to be wearing
panties."
Jokes number : 88
A dentist friend of mine
had a T-shirt which
said on the front: Let me put my tool in your
mouth... and on the
back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
had a T-shirt which
said on the front: Let me put my tool in your
mouth... and on the
back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
Jokes number : 87
This woman goes into a dentist's office,
after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this,
but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says:
"Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies:
"Make
up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this,
but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says:
"Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies:
"Make
up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
Monday, April 18, 2011
Jokes number : 86
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his
crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to
hurt
each other, aren't we."
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his
crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to
hurt
each other, aren't we."
Jokes number : 85
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for
obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young
girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma
in
on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people
were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he
was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my
dentures and suck 'em dry!"
obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young
girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma
in
on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people
were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he
was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my
dentures and suck 'em dry!"
Jokes number : 84
An elderly woman
decided to have her
portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with
diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex."
A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a
twenty-year-old.
"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked.
"Of course not," the old man
replied. "But I was so flattered, I
pleaded guilty."
decided to have her
portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with
diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex."
A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a
twenty-year-old.
"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked.
"Of course not," the old man
replied. "But I was so flattered, I
pleaded guilty."
Jokes number : 83
This old lady was complaining to her friend
about
a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested
that
maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible
because
I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to
the doctor
for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have
good news and
bad news, the
good news is that you are clean of all
STD'S. The bad news is that you
have fruit flies because your
cherry is rotten"
about
a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested
that
maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible
because
I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to
the doctor
for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have
good news and
bad news, the
good news is that you are clean of all
STD'S. The bad news is that you
have fruit flies because your
cherry is rotten"
Jokes number : 82
A little
old lady shaking violently as she
walks in to the pharmacy asks the
salesperson "do you sell
vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales
person says yes! The little
old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the
damn things off!"
old lady shaking violently as she
walks in to the pharmacy asks the
salesperson "do you sell
vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales
person says yes! The little
old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the
damn things off!"
Jokes number : 81
A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains,
leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a
different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the
guy,
finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done
anything
crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I
have, I once
made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my
son"
leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a
different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the
guy,
finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done
anything
crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I
have, I once
made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my
son"
Jokes number : 80
An elderly man visits his
doctor.
"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."
"Very
well, let me see your sex organs, please."
The aged patient replied
o.k. "And stuck out his index finger and his
tongue."
doctor.
"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."
"Very
well, let me see your sex organs, please."
The aged patient replied
o.k. "And stuck out his index finger and his
tongue."
Jokes number : 79
A man walks into
a tattoo parlor and says he
would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist
laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you
can give me one good
reason for it."
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one,
I like to keep my
money in my pants, two I like to watch my money
grow, and three I want to
see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
a tattoo parlor and says he
would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist
laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you
can give me one good
reason for it."
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one,
I like to keep my
money in my pants, two I like to watch my money
grow, and three I want to
see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Jokes number : 78
There were
these three little old ladies
sitting on a park bench minding their own
business when suddenly a
flasher jumped in front of them and exposed
himself...the first old
lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a
stroke...but sadly the
third old lady couldn't reach!!!
these three little old ladies
sitting on a park bench minding their own
business when suddenly a
flasher jumped in front of them and exposed
himself...the first old
lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a
stroke...but sadly the
third old lady couldn't reach!!!
Jokes number : 77
These two old men are in a nursing home.
They're talking and
realize that it's been years since they have had
sex. So they sneak out
and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside
they go to the Pimp and
ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought
"I'm not going to waste my
two best girls on these guys I'll just
give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the
difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back
they start
talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she
didn't move or
anything." The second guy said I think mine was a
witch because when I
nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the
window."
They're talking and
realize that it's been years since they have had
sex. So they sneak out
and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside
they go to the Pimp and
ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought
"I'm not going to waste my
two best girls on these guys I'll just
give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the
difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back
they start
talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she
didn't move or
anything." The second guy said I think mine was a
witch because when I
nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the
window."
Jokes number : 76
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named
Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a
nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys,
you
know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys
starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to
him, opens
her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked
and tells
her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an
old man lying
on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells
"Super Pussy!" The
man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think
I'll have the
soup."
Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a
nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys,
you
know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys
starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to
him, opens
her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked
and tells
her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an
old man lying
on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells
"Super Pussy!" The
man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think
I'll have the
soup."
Jokes number : 75
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social
security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the
counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has
left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he seemed to have
left his wallet at home,
"will I have to go home and come back now?"
he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his
shirt revealing
lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair
on your chest is
proof enough for me" as she processes his social
security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about this
experience at social security office. She says,
"you should have dropped your
pants, you might have qualified for
disability, too."
security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the
counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has
left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he seemed to have
left his wallet at home,
"will I have to go home and come back now?"
he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his
shirt revealing
lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair
on your chest is
proof enough for me" as she processes his social
security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about this
experience at social security office. She says,
"you should have dropped your
pants, you might have qualified for
disability, too."
Jokes number : 74
An old couple in an old folks home are having an
affair, nothing much
they just sit watching TV late at night while
the old woman holds the
old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man
ends the affair because of
another woman. The old woman's distraught
and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER
WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old
man smiles and says,
"Parkinson's disease"
affair, nothing much
they just sit watching TV late at night while
the old woman holds the
old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man
ends the affair because of
another woman. The old woman's distraught
and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER
WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old
man smiles and says,
"Parkinson's disease"
Jokes number : 73
An angry husband returned home one night to find
his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he
shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was
stupid'
his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he
shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was
stupid'
Jokes number : 72
A big fat housewife is on her hands and
knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her
husband, "Come here quick,
Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get
up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old
bat. You're kneeling on one of your
tits."
knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her
husband, "Come here quick,
Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get
up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old
bat. You're kneeling on one of your
tits."
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Jokes number : 70
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,
"I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a
bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace,
why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?"
"I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a
bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace,
why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?"
Jokes number : 69
A bus stops and this old lady gets off and
complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks
nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady
gets off
and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and
the driver
thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop
and this old man
gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe
and thought I found it
twice then realized mine is parted down the
side, and the two I saw
were parted down the middle!"
complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks
nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady
gets off
and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and
the driver
thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop
and this old man
gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe
and thought I found it
twice then realized mine is parted down the
side, and the two I saw
were parted down the middle!"
Jokes number : 68
A 90 year man
finally gets to see a Dr. and
the dr. asks him what the problem is, the
man says he wants the Dr.
to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken
aback a bit but finally
asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers
I am 90. The Dr.,
still a little confused says you are 90, and you want
your sex
drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I
want you to
lower it.
finally gets to see a Dr. and
the dr. asks him what the problem is, the
man says he wants the Dr.
to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken
aback a bit but finally
asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers
I am 90. The Dr.,
still a little confused says you are 90, and you want
your sex
drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I
want you to
lower it.
Jokes number : 67
Two postmen are on break having a cigarette.
While on this break one postman says "Hey look at that snail". The
other postman looks down and says "FUCK" and step steps on the snail.
Postman 1 looks at him and says "Why'd you do that". Postman2
replys
"Because that fucker has been following me all day."
While on this break one postman says "Hey look at that snail". The
other postman looks down and says "FUCK" and step steps on the snail.
Postman 1 looks at him and says "Why'd you do that". Postman2
replys
"Because that fucker has been following me all day."
Jokes number : 66
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing
home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued
smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A
condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette
doesn't
get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first
lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy looked at her
kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but
politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long
as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued
smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that?"
"A
condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette
doesn't
get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first
lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy looked at her
kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but
politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long
as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Jokes number : 65
Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says,
"Ya know, when
I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my
hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried
really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend
it about 20 degrees, no
problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and
now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand" "So, "says the
second drunk, "what's your
point" "Well, "says the first, "I'm
just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"
"Ya know, when
I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my
hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried
really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend
it about 20 degrees, no
problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and
now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand" "So, "says the
second drunk, "what's your
point" "Well, "says the first, "I'm
just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"
Jokes number : 64
Two elderly Southern women are
sitting on
the veranda sipping lemonade and
reminiscing about old times.
One
says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other
replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I
screwed!"
sitting on
the veranda sipping lemonade and
reminiscing about old times.
One
says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other
replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I
screwed!"
Jokes number : 63
A couple was having some
trouble, so they
did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few
visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that
he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the
woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a
hug.
He looked at the
man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a
day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do
you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?"
trouble, so they
did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few
visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that
he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the
woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a
hug.
He looked at the
man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a
day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do
you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?"
Friday, April 15, 2011
Jokes number : 62
A
husband and wife are in bed watching "Who
Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex.
The
wife says, "No." >
Her husband asks,
"Is that your final answer?"
>
She responds, "Yes."
He says,
"Then, I'd like to
call a friend."
husband and wife are in bed watching "Who
Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex.
The
wife says, "No." >
Her husband asks,
"Is that your final answer?"
>
She responds, "Yes."
He says,
"Then, I'd like to
call a friend."
Jokes number : 61
A five year old boy and his grandfather are
sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out
of a cooler. the little boy
asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch
your
ass?"
The little
boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a
beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked,
"Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked,
"Can your dick touch
your
ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not
man
enough to have a cigar." A
little later, the little boy came out of
the
house With a
cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick
touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my
ass!" The boy
replied,
"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me."
sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out
of a cooler. the little boy
asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch
your
ass?"
The little
boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a
beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked,
"Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked,
"Can your dick touch
your
ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not
man
enough to have a cigar." A
little later, the little boy came out of
the
house With a
cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick
touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my
ass!" The boy
replied,
"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me."
Jokes number : 60
The night before her wedding, the
bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me
how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath
and began, "When two people love, honor,
and
respect each other,
love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck,
mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want
you to teach
me how to
make a great lasagna."
bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me
how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath
and began, "When two people love, honor,
and
respect each other,
love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck,
mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want
you to teach
me how to
make a great lasagna."
Jokes number : 59
A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off."
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off."
Jokes number : 58
A drunk gets
up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes
into
the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's
all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You
idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes
into
the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's
all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You
idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Jokes number : 57
A retired
four-star general ran into his
former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come
work for
him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were
in the
army,"
the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again
fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general
a gentle shake,
strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked
his employer's wife on her bottom
and said,
"OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you."
four-star general ran into his
former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come
work for
him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were
in the
army,"
the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again
fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general
a gentle shake,
strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked
his employer's wife on her bottom
and said,
"OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you."
Jokes number : 56
A market researcher called at a house and his
knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children
running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his
questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his
company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many
products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When
asked if
she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used
it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer
was amazed.
He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our
product and they always say they use
it for the child's bicycle chain,
or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual
intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use
it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children
running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his
questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his
company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many
products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When
asked if
she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used
it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer
was amazed.
He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our
product and they always say they use
it for the child's bicycle chain,
or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual
intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use
it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Jokes number : 55
A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day
when
he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off
when two rather tired
looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he
exclaims. "That must mean six
wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three
or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry
up".
The guy makes his
three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He
gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad,
passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where
he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his
luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open
it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their
white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, bot
h looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and
says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the
world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black
man?"
when
he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off
when two rather tired
looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he
exclaims. "That must mean six
wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three
or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry
up".
The guy makes his
three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He
gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad,
passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where
he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his
luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open
it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their
white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, bot
h looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and
says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the
world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black
man?"
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Jokes number : 54
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force
One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, "I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole
country happy."
One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, "I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole
country happy."
Jokes number : 53
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a
big
problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell." "My dear,"
the doctor said, "that's
completely
natural.
I don't see
what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"it wakes
me up!"
"I've got a
big
problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell." "My dear,"
the doctor said, "that's
completely
natural.
I don't see
what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"it wakes
me up!"
Jokes number : 52
Scott finally got his
girlfriend into bed,
and things were going hot and heavy.
"Slow down, baby," she said.
"Foreplay is an art."
"You better get your canvas ready soon,"
he panted, "because I'm
about to spill
my paint!"
girlfriend into bed,
and things were going hot and heavy.
"Slow down, baby," she said.
"Foreplay is an art."
"You better get your canvas ready soon,"
he panted, "because I'm
about to spill
my paint!"
Jokes number : 51
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
Jokes number : 50
A
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.
The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be
your feet then."
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.
The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be
your feet then."
Jokes number : 49
Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were
having
breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
"Harry, why do you have a
suppository in your ear?"
Harry took the suppository out, looked it
over and said, "Sam, I'm
really glad
you saw this thing, now I
think I know where my hearing aid is."
having
breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
"Harry, why do you have a
suppository in your ear?"
Harry took the suppository out, looked it
over and said, "Sam, I'm
really glad
you saw this thing, now I
think I know where my hearing aid is."
Jokes number : 48
"Ever
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked
his
friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good
enough for me."
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked
his
friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good
enough for me."
Jokes number : 47
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find
a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says,
"Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says,
"Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
"I remember it has an
"r" after
the first
letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says,
"Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says,
"Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
"I remember it has an
"r" after
the first
letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Jokes number : 46
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when
forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen
anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to
admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're
gone!" "What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied
Saint Peter.
"The Pearly Gates!"
forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen
anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to
admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're
gone!" "What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied
Saint Peter.
"The Pearly Gates!"
Jokes number : 45
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How
much for a blow job
?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and
began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?"
much for a blow job
?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and
began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?"
Jokes number : 44
During a funeral for a woman
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right,"
commented her
husband
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right,"
commented her
husband
Jokes number : 43
While away at a convention, an
executive
happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he
persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel
room, he
found out she had
a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive
found
himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive
walked from the shower into the
bedroom
to find his wife covered in
a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her
face
creamed, munching
candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.
Then,
without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!"
executive
happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he
persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel
room, he
found out she had
a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive
found
himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive
walked from the shower into the
bedroom
to find his wife covered in
a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her
face
creamed, munching
candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.
Then,
without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!"
Jokes number : 42
A knight and his
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. "How
are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west." "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the
west!" "Oh!"
said the knight, "Well, you do now."
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. "How
are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west." "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the
west!" "Oh!"
said the knight, "Well, you do now."
Jokes number : 41
An old man in a nursing home awoke one day
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.
Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
Mr. Jones
replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.
Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
Mr. Jones
replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
Jokes number : 40
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.
"Excuse
me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,
please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, "Not bad."
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.
"Excuse
me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,
please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, "Not bad."
Jokes number : 39
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a
nursing home having a
chat. "How are
you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm
utterly
exhausted," replied
Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me."
"I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard
yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night."
nursing home having a
chat. "How are
you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm
utterly
exhausted," replied
Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me."
"I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard
yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night."
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Jokes number : 38
Two deaf
people get married. During the
first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off
the
lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree
on some
simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The
husband
thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if
you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and
pull on my penis one time. If
you
don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis......fifty
times"
people get married. During the
first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off
the
lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree
on some
simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The
husband
thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if
you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and
pull on my penis one time. If
you
don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis......fifty
times"
Jokes number : 37
A husband and wife love to golf together, but
neither of
them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to
take private lessons.The husband
has
his lesson first. After the
pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,
no,"
you're gripping the
club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold
the club gently," the pro replied, "just
like
you'd hold your
wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes
back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her
swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard." "What
can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens
carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing,
and THUMP. The
ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was
great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
neither of
them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to
take private lessons.The husband
has
his lesson first. After the
pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,
no,"
you're gripping the
club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold
the club gently," the pro replied, "just
like
you'd hold your
wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes
back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her
swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard." "What
can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens
carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing,
and THUMP. The
ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was
great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Jokes number : 36
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along
a
country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig,
killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the
owners what
had happened. About one hour
later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the
car with a bottle
of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes
all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well,
the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what
did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill
Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig."
a
country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig,
killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the
owners what
had happened. About one hour
later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the
car with a bottle
of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes
all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well,
the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what
did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill
Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig."
Jokes number : 35
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek
they decided to bet
it's other
100 euros who is going to make
their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with
their wives so they make them
scream.
The next day the
meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was
screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The German says,
"That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was
screaming the whole time and half hour
after that."
The Greek
says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten
minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still
screaming."
they decided to bet
it's other
100 euros who is going to make
their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with
their wives so they make them
scream.
The next day the
meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was
screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The German says,
"That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was
screaming the whole time and half hour
after that."
The Greek
says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten
minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still
screaming."
Jokes number : 34
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and
asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We
have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a
little
clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that
if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his
grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning
Walter!"
asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We
have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a
little
clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that
if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his
grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning
Walter!"
Jokes number : 33
The Smith's were proud of their family
tradition. Their
ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to
compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric
chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The
book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached
to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a
great shock."
tradition. Their
ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to
compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric
chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The
book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached
to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a
great shock."
Jokes number : 32
Once upon a time, a guy was
sitting at a
bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar
tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of
adoring
women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of
curious about a little
man that
would jump from the rich guy's
pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking
over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the
little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The
barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says,
"Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one
day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish
was to be fabulously wealthy.
Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman
asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, tha
t," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I
wished
for."
sitting at a
bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar
tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of
adoring
women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of
curious about a little
man that
would jump from the rich guy's
pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking
over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the
little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The
barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says,
"Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one
day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish
was to be fabulously wealthy.
Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman
asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, tha
t," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I
wished
for."
Jokes number : 31
A little boy returning home from his first day
at
school said to his mother,
"Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who
believed in all the most modern
educational
theories, gave him a
detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the
tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form
which
he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I
going to
get all
that into this one little square?"
at
school said to his mother,
"Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who
believed in all the most modern
educational
theories, gave him a
detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the
tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form
which
he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I
going to
get all
that into this one little square?"
Monday, April 11, 2011
Jokes number : 30
As a hooker
was dressing, she turned to her
customer and asked, "Have you just
gotten out of
prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted
to
have sex
from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more
because when we finished, you ran
around in front
of me, bent over,
and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
was dressing, she turned to her
customer and asked, "Have you just
gotten out of
prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted
to
have sex
from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more
because when we finished, you ran
around in front
of me, bent over,
and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
Jokes number : 29
An old man and his
wife lived deep in the
hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell
his goods and asked the man if he or
his wife
wanted to buy
something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down
to the
creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The
peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man
wasn't
interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said,
"What's that?" Before the peddler
could tell
him it was a mirror, the
old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd
you get a
picture
of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's
best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and
spoiled
his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad
at him for trading
her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn
behind some boxes of junk. He would
go out to
the barn 2 or 3
times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually
the wife
got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the
night,
she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the
boxes, picked it up and
said,
"so this is the hussy he's been
foolin' around with!"
wife lived deep in the
hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell
his goods and asked the man if he or
his wife
wanted to buy
something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down
to the
creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The
peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man
wasn't
interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said,
"What's that?" Before the peddler
could tell
him it was a mirror, the
old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd
you get a
picture
of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's
best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and
spoiled
his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad
at him for trading
her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn
behind some boxes of junk. He would
go out to
the barn 2 or 3
times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually
the wife
got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the
night,
she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the
boxes, picked it up and
said,
"so this is the hussy he's been
foolin' around with!"
Jokes number : 28
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair
when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your
love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and
the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that
you have no
girlfriend."
"That's true," said
Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes,"
Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this
from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and
blisters."
when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your
love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and
the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that
you have no
girlfriend."
"That's true," said
Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes,"
Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this
from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and
blisters."
Jokes number : 27
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay
bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories,
but when it comes time to use them
the young
man is afraid he
will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and
looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All
of
a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh,
stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only
me."
bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories,
but when it comes time to use them
the young
man is afraid he
will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and
looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All
of
a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh,
stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only
me."
Jokes number : 26
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the
town's morals, publicly accused her
neighbor George of being an
alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked
outside the
town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said
nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all
night.
town's morals, publicly accused her
neighbor George of being an
alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked
outside the
town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said
nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all
night.
Jokes number : 25
A salesman was testifying in
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week," the man testified.
"So naturally
when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning,"
he continued,
"we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week," the man testified.
"So naturally
when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning,"
he continued,
"we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'
Jokes number : 24
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize
Jokes number : 23
A murderer,
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag.
"I'm so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag.
"I'm so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Jokes number : 22
One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
" well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!"
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
" well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!"
Jokes number : 21
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After
listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,
the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you
know
anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back,
"Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?"
listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,
the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you
know
anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back,
"Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?"
Jokes number : 20
Three guys are
drinking in a bar when a
drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex
in town!"
Everyone expects
a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off
and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom,
and it was
sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and
the drunk goes back to the
far end
of the bar. Ten minutes
later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
liked it!"
Finally the
guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
drinking in a bar when a
drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex
in town!"
Everyone expects
a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off
and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom,
and it was
sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and
the drunk goes back to the
far end
of the bar. Ten minutes
later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
liked it!"
Finally the
guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Jokes number : 19
A man wakes up early one morning and
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I'll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.
Make up your mind before I get back.
"The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, "Well what's it
gonna be?
"She say's,
"There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass
so I guess it's a blowjob.
"A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
"Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah,"
he replies,
"The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I'll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.
Make up your mind before I get back.
"The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, "Well what's it
gonna be?
"She say's,
"There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass
so I guess it's a blowjob.
"A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
"Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah,"
he replies,
"The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
Jokes number : 18
The president got off the helicopter in
front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine
guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir".
The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied,
"Nice trade, sir."
front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine
guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir".
The president replied, "These are
not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied,
"Nice trade, sir."
Jokes number : 17
On the first day
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
"The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How
much
for a season pass?"
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
"The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How
much
for a season pass?"
Jokes number : 16
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you
have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The
guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning
flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I
carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your
problem???"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The
guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning
flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I
carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your
problem???"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
Jokes number : 15
A couple just got married, and when the husband
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.
She
replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what
do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.
She
replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what
do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Jokes number : 14
An American tourist went into
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter
replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the
tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,"
explained the
waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the
waiter. "You see the bull, he does not
always lose."
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter
replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the
tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,"
explained the
waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the
waiter. "You see the bull, he does not
always lose."
Jokes number : 13
Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river
and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey
pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys,
just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the
crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in
his place.
Winnie, inhaling,
is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a
crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!
and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey
pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys,
just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the
crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in
his place.
Winnie, inhaling,
is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a
crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!
Jokes number : 12
Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet
arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It's not a roll, it's a
bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It's not a bun, it's a bap.
-
Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain
in the neck! You can't
even make up your mind!
arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It's not a roll, it's a
bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It's not a bun, it's a bap.
-
Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain
in the neck! You can't
even make up your mind!
Jokes number : 11
A man walked into an appliance store and asked
the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One
dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac,"
the
clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer
gave him
a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the
suctomer saw
a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
"How much for
that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the
reply. The
customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the
heck is going on
here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk
snapped. "But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing
to her, I'm doing to
his business."
the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One
dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac,"
the
clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer
gave him
a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the
suctomer saw
a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
"How much for
that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the
reply. The
customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the
heck is going on
here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk
snapped. "But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing
to her, I'm doing to
his business."
Jokes number : 10
One day there were
two boys playing by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went
over to it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden
the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught
up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I
felt
something getting hard, so I ran."
two boys playing by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went
over to it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden
the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught
up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I
felt
something getting hard, so I ran."
Jokes number : 9
A girl
brings a guy home one night. They get
into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head
between your legs and you
put your head between mine." Still not knowing
what she's talking
about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees
to try it. The
second they get in to the position, she lets go a
rip-roaring fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it
again." she
says. So, they get into position again, and once more she
lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait,
where
are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
brings a guy home one night. They get
into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head
between your legs and you
put your head between mine." Still not knowing
what she's talking
about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees
to try it. The
second they get in to the position, she lets go a
rip-roaring fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it
again." she
says. So, they get into position again, and once more she
lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait,
where
are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
Jokes number : 8
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes
during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After
a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few
weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides
all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says,
"Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop.
But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever
guess what
we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly
take off their
clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later
people watching the
game hear sounds echoing through the quiet
countryside so loudly that
the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo
...... Moooooooon River .......!"
during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After
a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few
weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides
all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says,
"Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop.
But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever
guess what
we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly
take off their
clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later
people watching the
game hear sounds echoing through the quiet
countryside so loudly that
the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo
...... Moooooooon River .......!"
Jokes number : 7
The kindergarten
class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and
relate it to the
class the next day. When the time came for the little
kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was
reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so
she
asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported
Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about
a
period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my
sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the
man next door shot himself."
class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and
relate it to the
class the next day. When the time came for the little
kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was
reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so
she
asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported
Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about
a
period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my
sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the
man next door shot himself."
Friday, April 8, 2011
Jokes number : 6
A woman walks into her accountant's office and
tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we
begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and
says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's
try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No,
that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute,
then
the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we
begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and
says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's
try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No,
that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute,
then
the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Jokes number : 5
An eighty year old couple decide to
try for
a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce
a
sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the
bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well,"
says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.
Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she
tried
it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get
the lid off the bloody bottle."
try for
a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce
a
sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the
bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well,"
says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.
Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she
tried
it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get
the lid off the bloody bottle."
Jokes number : 4
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife
turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in
her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife
turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in
her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Jokes number : 3
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if
you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was
on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied
with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch
on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra." This was
beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the
penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother.
up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if
you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was
on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied
with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch
on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra." This was
beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the
penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother.
Jokes number : 2
One day, little
Mikey comes home from
kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the
living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for
lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily
into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy,
the
parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy
ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a
few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang
on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall
off!"
Mikey comes home from
kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the
living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for
lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily
into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy,
the
parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy
ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a
few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang
on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall
off!"
Jokes number : 1
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this
makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as
he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole
truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get
home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother." Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the
next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole
truth." The mailman immediately
drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your real
father a big hug."
that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this
makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as
he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole
truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get
home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother." Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the
next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole
truth." The mailman immediately
drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your real
father a big hug."
Jokes number : 100
A guy went out on the golf course took a
high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad
is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a
virgin in
every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis
in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
by next week." So
he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art. The guy mentioned
none of this to his girl. They got
married and on the honeymoon night
in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set
of breasts. This was the first
time he saw them, and she said,You'll be
the first; no one has ever
touched them before." He tore off his pants
and said, "Look at
this. It's still in the crate!"
high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad
is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a
virgin in
every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis
in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
by next week." So
he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art. The guy mentioned
none of this to his girl. They got
married and on the honeymoon night
in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set
of breasts. This was the first
time he saw them, and she said,You'll be
the first; no one has ever
touched them before." He tore off his pants
and said, "Look at
this. It's still in the crate!"
Jokes number : 99
A truck driver was pulled over
by a State
Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and
noticed
that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth
as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away
his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow
something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth
control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I
knew I was fucked."
by a State
Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and
noticed
that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth
as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away
his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow
something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth
control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I
knew I was fucked."
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Jokes number : 98
A Deaf mute walks into
pharmacy to buy
condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the
pharmacist, and cannot
see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute
finally unzips
his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a
five
dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the
same
as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in
his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist
wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't
afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
pharmacy to buy
condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the
pharmacist, and cannot
see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute
finally unzips
his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a
five
dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the
same
as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in
his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist
wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't
afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Jokes number : 97
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's
little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that
between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to
sleep.
She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around
your
bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep.
She came
back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said
those are
"the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and
he said
"ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the
hospital. He
saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She
said, "When I
was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I
chopped off his head,
burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that
between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to
sleep.
She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around
your
bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep.
She came
back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said
those are
"the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and
he said
"ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the
hospital. He
saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She
said, "When I
was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I
chopped off his head,
burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
Jokes number : 96
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe
and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They
didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they
told him
that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb,
and that the
woman with really big tits were really really dumb.
When they got to
the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son
and asked where his
dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I
saw him he was talking
to this really, really, really dumb blond,
and the longer they talked
the dumber he got."
and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They
didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they
told him
that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb,
and that the
woman with really big tits were really really dumb.
When they got to
the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son
and asked where his
dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I
saw him he was talking
to this really, really, really dumb blond,
and the longer they talked
the dumber he got."
Jokes number : 95
What do you get when you cross an Owl
and a
Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
and a
Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Jokes number : 93
What did one saggy boob say to the other
saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to
think we're
nuts.
saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to
think we're
nuts.
Jokes number : 91
How do you know you're leading a sad
life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Jokes number : 90
How many
men does it take to put the toilet
seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
men does it take to put the toilet
seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Jokes number : 89
Why were men given larger brains
than
dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
than
dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Jokes number : 87
What did the
hurricane say to the coconut
tree?
Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
hurricane say to the coconut
tree?
Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
Jokes number : 85
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I
don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
"I
don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
Jokes number : 84
Why are electric trains like a
mother's
breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers
who are
always playing with them.
mother's
breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers
who are
always playing with them.
Jokes number : 83
What's the difference between a penis and a
bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Jokes number : 82
What are
the two greatest lies?
"The
check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your
mouth."
the two greatest lies?
"The
check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your
mouth."
Jokes number : 81
What's so bad about being a dick?
Your
closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you
in a
plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.
Your
closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you
in a
plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.
Jokes number : 77
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Jokes number : 76
What did the egg say to the boiling
water?
"It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last
night."
water?
"It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last
night."
Jokes number : 75
What does KFC and a woman have in
common?
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a
greasy box to put your bone in.
common?
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a
greasy box to put your bone in.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Jokes number : 73
What is the difference
between a drug pusher
and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it
again.
between a drug pusher
and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it
again.
Jokes number : 72
What do a
pizza delivery man and a
gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat
it.
pizza delivery man and a
gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat
it.
Jokes number : 71
What is the difference between a frog and a
horny
toad?
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it,
rub-it!
horny
toad?
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it,
rub-it!
Jokes number : 70
Why
did the former porn actor get fired from
his job as a gas station
attendant?
Right before the tanks were
full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray gas all over the
car.
did the former porn actor get fired from
his job as a gas station
attendant?
Right before the tanks were
full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray gas all over the
car.
Jokes number : 69
What's the difference between a rooster and a
hooker?
a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock
will do.
hooker?
a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock
will do.
Jokes number : 67
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes
it off, you wonder where her tits went.
When she takes
it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Jokes number : 62
What did
the egg say to the boiling
water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute
ago."
the egg say to the boiling
water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute
ago."
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Jokes number : 51
How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting
your house?
His tricycle will be parked outside.
your house?
His tricycle will be parked outside.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Jokes number : 50
How can you tell a male
dinosaur from a
female dinosaur?
Ask it a question. If he answers, it's a male; if
she answers, it's
female.
dinosaur from a
female dinosaur?
Ask it a question. If he answers, it's a male; if
she answers, it's
female.
Jokes number : 46
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle
between two and four in the afternoon?
That's when dinosaurs are
jumping out of palm trees.
between two and four in the afternoon?
That's when dinosaurs are
jumping out of palm trees.
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