Jokes number : 22

What's the moral of the story
about
Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !

Jokes number : 21

Who was the best actor in the bible

?
Samson, he brought the house down !

Jokes number : 20

God is sitting up in his ivory
tower,
he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the
number
one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being

mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about

Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says

God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about
Pluto,"
suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says

God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says

another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly
burnt
me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What
about
Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God,
"I went
there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird,
and they're
still bloody talking about it."

Jokes number : 19

Three Pastors from the south were having

lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been

having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've
tried
everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and
in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they
won't go
away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and
made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"

Jokes number : 18

Who is the fastest runner in
history.
Adam - because he was the first in the human race.

Jokes number : 17

What did Adam do when he wanted some
sugar?
He raised Cain.

Jokes number : 16

At what time of day was Adam born?
Just
before Eve.

Jokes number : 15

What's black and
white, black and
white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.

Jokes number : 14

Jill: Have you read the Bible?
Jack: No,
I'm waiting for the film to come round.

Jokes number : 13

Examiner: I think you know very little, if

anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?


Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'


Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?

Student:
'Go thou and do likewise.'

Jokes number : 12

How do Religious Education
teachers mark
exams?
With spirit levels.

Jokes number : 11

A kindergarten teacher was observing her

classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to
look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

Jokes number : 10

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's

witness with a
business man?

A door to door salesman!

Jokes number : 9

The congregation was sitting and waiting for

the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into
the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for
Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat
in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All
the
hyprocrites are gone."

Jokes number : 8

Morris was passing a small courtyard and
heard voices
murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large
zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed
people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great
Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

Jokes number : 7

At the first session of a conversion class
the
minister conducting the class asked, "What must
we do before
we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one
of the men in attendance
raised his hand and said:

"Sin?"

Jokes number : 6

Knowing that the minister was very fond of
cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with
a bottle on one consideration
-
that the pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the
good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later,
the elder turned at
once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister
extends
his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of
fruit and for the spirit in
which it was given."

Jokes number : 5

An old rabbi
is talking with one of his
friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts
today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The
rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I
do this for
free?"

Jokes number : 4

A minister was asked by a
politician,
"Name something the government can do to help the church."

The
minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

Jokes number : 3

What language do the
Vatican Police
speak?

Pig Latin!

Jokes number : 2

What is the meaning of life?

All
evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

Jokes number : 1

Is there a
God?

A billion Hindus
can't be wrong.

Jokes number : 41

A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing
golf. Sarah misses a 3
foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the
bugger!" and the nun says,
"If you keep saying that then God will
punish you." Next hole Sarah
misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn
it, missed the bugger!" and the
nun says, "ONE more time Sarah, and
God will punish you!" Then Sarah
misses a neoot putt and says "GOD
DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God
comes down from Heaven and strikes the
nun dead with a bolt of
thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

Jokes number : 40

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman

to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he

asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law
says we should
stone her!" one of the crowd
responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first

stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked
the woman
on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus
cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"

Jokes number : 39

There's this cathedral that's still being

worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so

they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A
characteristic
of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be
closed
manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One
day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the

top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the

sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the
sexton
rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up
for the
worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the
cathedral were
treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head
tipped up, yelling
up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE
GATES!!!"

Jokes number : 38

The Reverend
Billy Graham tells of a
time early in his ministry when he arrived in a
small town to preach a
sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the
post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham
thanked him
and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you
can hear
me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll
be there," the boy said. "You don't even know
your way to the post
office."

Jokes number : 37

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they
went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked
quite a lot. When they asked the dog to
fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with
dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home
(piously, of
course). That night they had friends over. They were
so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed,
and asked whether the dog
was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the
couple cold, as they hadn't thought
about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this
out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl
y pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog
jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in
concentration, and bowed his head.

Jokes number : 36

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically
he
was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work
had
given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked
a woman
co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he
decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He
began attending
aerobics classes. He started working out with
weights. He changed his
diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a
different man. Again, he asked his female
co-worker out, and this time she
accepted.

There he was, all
dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever
had. He stood
poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of
lightning
struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying,
he
turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After
all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

Fr
om up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize

you."

Jokes number : 35

The Baptist preacher just finished his
sermon for the day and
proceeded toward the back of the church for his
usual greetings and
handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult
hands he came upon the seven year old son
of one of the Deacons of the
church.

"Good morning,
Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to
shake Joanthan's hand.


As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's
hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said
Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for
you!"

"I
don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.


"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan

continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had
and
I want to help you."

Jokes number : 34

It seems that there was a little old church

out in the countryside: painted white and with a high
steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He

checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he
went
into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out
to the
church and began the job.

He got done with the first
side. It was looking great. But he noticed
he had already used a
half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town
and being the
creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner
in the shed out
back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He
finished the remaining three sides with that
last half gallon of
paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he
stepped
outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that
the first side
was looking great, but that the paint on the oth
er three sides had
washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky
in anguish and cried out, "What shall I
do?"

A voice came
back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no
more!"

Jokes number : 33

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message

for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his

home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his
bedroom. As they entered
the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit
on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said
anything.

Both the banker and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be
with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the
preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked
either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable
sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour
that
made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said,
"Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustere
d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Jokes number : 32

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home

and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her

charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I
wish to draw your attention
to the terrible plight of a poor family
in this district. The father is
dead, the mother is too ill to
work, and the nine children are
starving. They are about to be turned
into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their rent, which
amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you
are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his
handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm
the landlord," he sobbed.

Jokes number : 31

This minister just had all of his

remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first
Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached
only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25
minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this
way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it
hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a
lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
and I
couldn't stop talking!

Jokes number : 30

The preacher was wired for sound with a
lapel
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking
the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it
again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he
gets loose, will
he hurt us?"

Jokes number : 29

A preacher was completing a temperance

sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater
emphasis
he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and
throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw
it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very
cautiously and announced
with a smile, "For our closing song, let
us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We
Gather at the River."

Jokes number : 28

A
preacher, who shall we say was "humor
impaired," attended a conference
to help encourage and better equip
pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well
known and dynamic speakers. One such
boldly approached the pulpit
and, gathering the entire crowd's
attention, said, "The best years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman
that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by
saying, "And that woman was
my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and
delivered the rest
of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the
pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try,
and use that joke in
his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that
sunny Sunday,
he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly
seemed a bit
foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of another woma
n that was not my wife!" The
congregation inhaled half the air in
the room. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds in the stunned
silence, trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the pastor
finally blurted out, "...and I can't
remember who she was!"

Jokes number : 27

A priest and a nun are on their way
back
home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get
it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only

hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I
don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the

circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on
the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be
okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
the room.
Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly
cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.


Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I
don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wif
e just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get
up and get your own blanket.

Jokes number : 26

Sometimes
women are overly suspicious of
their husbands. When Adam stayed out
very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset. "You're running around
with other women," she
charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only
woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It
was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.


"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Jokes number : 25

God looks down and notices that Adam is all
alone
while all the animals have companions, so he decides to
create a
companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to
him, "Adam, you
are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to
create for you
the ultimate companion. She will worship the very
ground you walk on, she
will long for you and no other, she will be
highly intelligent, she
will wait on you hand and foot and obey your
every command, she will be
beautiful, and all it will cost you is
an arm and a leg." Thinking for a
few moments, Adam replies, "What
could I get for a rib?"

Jokes number : 24

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?


God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars
like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a
penny?

God: Just a second.

Jokes number : 23

A man sobering up from the night before is
sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still
feeling hung over and
tired, he finally nods off.

The
priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover
and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to

make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those
wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole
room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the
preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the
last part groggily stands up, only to
find that he's the only one
standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what
we're voting on
here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are
the only ones
standing for it!"

Jokes number : 22

A little nine year old girl was in church
with her mother when she
started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she
said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I
think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and
around to the back of the church and
throw up behind a bush."


In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did
you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.


"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church
and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of
the church, Mommy" the little girl
replied, "They have a box next
to the front door that says 'for the
sick'."

Jokes number : 21

The two thousand member
Baptist church
was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The
preacher
was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long
black
coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of
the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other

stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their

coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle
announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet
for Jesus stay in your
seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The
deacons ran out
the door, followed by the choir director and the
assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people
left sitting in the
church. The preacher was holding steady in the
pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the
preacher, "All
right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You
may begin the
service."

Jokes number : 20

It was about a month
ago when a man in
Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to
his
priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee
in
my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a
sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he
stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good
cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one
more
question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I
have to tell him the war is over?"

Jokes number : 19

A friend was in front of me coming out of

church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he
always is
to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled
him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at Christmas and
Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in
the secret service.

Jokes number : 18

A
young lad was visiting a church for
the first time, checking all the
announcements and posters along the
walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he
asked a
nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the
pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the
service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning
service or the
evening service?"

Jokes number : 17

A couple had two little mischievous boys,
ages 8 and 10. They
were always getting into trouble, and their
parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons
would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in
town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see
them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in
the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there

with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question.
"Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger i
n
the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy
screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and
dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"

The
younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG

trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Jokes number : 16

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the

night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several

anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next
day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to

omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their
newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece
with the
following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot
be
published."

Jokes number : 15

The little church in the suburbs suddenly
stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer
telephoned Deacon Brown to
ask why.

"I'll tell you why,"
shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be
used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted
the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them
all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some
golf pencils...each stamped with the words,
`Play Golf Next
Sunday.'"

Jokes number : 14

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the

Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The
dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor

creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't
have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what,
there's a new denomination
down the road apiece, and no telling
what they believe in, but maybe
they'll do something for the animal."


Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick
replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."

Jokes number : 13

A Catholic Priest and
a Rabbi were
chatting one day when the conversation turned to a
discussion of job
descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in
way of a promotion in your
job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well,
I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the

Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can
become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the
Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's
possible
for me to become a full Bishop." said the
Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a
bit exasperated replied, "With some luck
and real hard work, maybe
I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the
Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots

and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the
right
places at the right times and play my political games just
right, maybe,
just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and
then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest.
"What do you expect me to become,
GOD?"

"Well," said the
Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Jokes number : 12

There is a story about a monastery in Europe

perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The
only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket

which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with

all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in
that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous
about half-way up as he noticed that
the rope by which he was suspended
was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who
was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment
and answered brusquely, "Whenever it
breaks."

Jokes number : 11

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa
when he
heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord,"
prayed the
missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking
behind me
is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that
followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he
prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I
am about to receive."

Jokes number : 10

A Christian man had
just died and was on
his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of
heaven he met an
angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's
easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you
think his name is Andy?' the angel asked
incredulously.


'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with
me,
Andy talks with me.'

Jokes number : 9

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40

years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Jokes number : 8

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'

Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Jokes number : 7

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking
nun?

A: A roamin' Catholic!

Jokes number : 6

Q: Why did God
create man before woman?

A: He didn't want any advice.

Jokes number : 5

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?

A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Jokes number : 4

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He
only had two worms!

Jokes number : 3

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at
the end
of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing
Hymns instead of Hers!

Jokes number : 2

One afternoon a little boy was playing
outdoors. He used his
mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful
time until it was getting
dark.

He left the broom on the back
porch. His mother was cleaning up the
kitchen when she realized that
her broom was missing. She asked the little
boy about the broom and
he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get
it. The little boy informed his mom
that he was afraid of the dark
and didn't want to go out to get the
broom.

His mother smiled
and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be
afraid'. The
little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if
you're out
there, hand me the broom'.

Jokes number : 1

A drunk man
who smelled like a beer sat
down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was
stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and
a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his
newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man
turned to
the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The

priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap

wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man'

'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.


The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and

apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope
does.'

Jokes number : 100

Pat and Mike were walking down the

street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here,

I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long
time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have

sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs
Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'?
Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat
said, Father, I'll not be teling you the
lady's name!

So the
priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had
sinned
with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did
you do'? Pat said,
'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new
prospects'!

Jokes number : 99

There's this guy who had been lost and

walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home
of a
missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on
the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back
to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the
nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this
horse. He goes back
into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I
borrow your horse and
give it back when I reach the town?"


The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this

horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make
it
stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure,
ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse
starts
walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse
starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank
God, thank God,
thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse
just takes off. Pretty soon
he sees this cliff coming up and he's
doing everything he can to make
the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop,
hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse
stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
saddle
and says, "Thank God."

Jokes number : 98

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump off. I immediately
ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?"
he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the
Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me
too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed

Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,

or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"



"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To
which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Jokes number : 97

A
minister told his congregation, "Next
week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."

The following
Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked
for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark
17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only

sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of

lying."

Jokes number : 96

Two bishops were
discussing the decline
in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife
before I was married," said one
clergyman self-righteously, "Did
you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Jokes number : 95

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned
in
the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Jokes number : 94

Q. How do we know that Job went to a

chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at
ease, but he
proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of
the neck and
proceeded to smash me."

Jokes number : 93

Q. Which
area of Palestine was
especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Jokes number : 92

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the
most
flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10
commandments; at once.

Jokes number : 91

Q. What is the best way to get to
Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Jokes number : 90

Q. What do they
call pastors in
Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Jokes number : 89

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David

hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his
head before.

Jokes number : 88

Q. Who is the greatest
babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Jokes number : 87

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his

children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out
of house and home.

Jokes number : 86

Q. What is one of the first things that

Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised
Cain.

Jokes number : 85

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled
from the
Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Jokes number : 84

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the

Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second.
Cain struck
out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants
and the Angels were
rained out.

Jokes number : 83

Q. Who
was the greatest comedian in the
Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Jokes number : 82

Q. What kind
of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen
Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond
movement."

Jokes number : 81

Q. What kind of
motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Jokes number : 80

Q. What
kind of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Jokes number : 79

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the

Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury.

Jokes number : 78

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got

married?
A. Ruth-less.

Jokes number : 77

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in
the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Jokes number : 76

Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in

liquidation.

Jokes number : 75

O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for
twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and
selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to
confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last
confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those
years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the
priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you
have the plans, I've got the
lumber."

Jokes number : 74

"And how much of that stack of hay did you

steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might
as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said

Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

Jokes number : 73

A
lady opened her refrigerator and saw a
rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves,
"What are you doing in
there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't
it?"
The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm

westing."

Jokes number : 72

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.

They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "ok we

can run for it or we can stay here and out number them. And the
other
rabbit says, "were going to run for it you idiot I'm your
brother.

Jokes number : 71

Q: What do you get when you cross a perm

with a rabbit?
A: Curly hare.

Jokes number : 70

Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was

Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!

Jokes number : 69

What do you get if you pour boiling water

down rabbit holes?
Hot, cross bunnies !

Jokes number : 68

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the
world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Jokes number : 67

Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?
For
hare care.

Jokes number : 66

Why did
the rabbits go on strike?
They
wanted a better celery!

Jokes number : 65

Why did the rabbit have trouble
hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!

Jokes number : 64

Why did the rabbit
run out of the fast-food
restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on
a toasted
bunny.

Jokes number : 63

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on
his
head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Jokes number : 62

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?

He didn't have the hare fare.

Jokes number : 61

Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you
tell them apart from goldfish?

Jokes number : 60

Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both
multiply a lot.

Jokes number : 59

Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?

Bunny and Clyde.

Jokes number : 58

Which rabbit was in Western movies?

Hopalong Cassidy.

Jokes number : 57

Which rabbit was a famous female aviator?

Amelia Harehart.

Jokes number : 56

Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the
poor?
Rabbit Hood.

Jokes number : 55

Which rabbit is a famous comedian?
Bob
Hop.

Jokes number : 54

Where do rabbits settle their legal

disputes?
In a pellet court!

Jokes number : 53

When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a
train?
When it's on the train.

Jokes number : 52

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On
their bunnymoon.

Jokes number : 51

When do rabbits have buck teeth?
When their
parents won't get them braces.

Jokes number : 50

What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?

Haremail.

Jokes number : 49

What's the best way to
catch a unique
rabbit?
Unique up on him

Jokes number : 48

What's a rabbits' favourite car?
Any make,
just as long it's a hutchback!

Jokes number : 47

What's a rabbits' favorite TV show?
Hoppy
Days.

Jokes number : 46

What's a rabbits' favorite song?
"Hoppy
Birthday to You."

Jokes number : 45

What's a rabbits' favorite
musical?
Hare.

Jokes number : 44

What's a rabbits' favorite movie?
Rabbits
of the Lost Ark.

Jokes number : 43

What's a rabbits' favorite dance?
The
bunny hop.

Jokes number : 42

What's a rabbits' favorite book?
Hop on
Pop.

Jokes number : 41

What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is
80
million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.

Jokes number : 40

What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?

A harebrush.

Jokes number : 39

What must a policeman have before searching a
rabbits'
home?
A search warren!

Jokes number : 38

What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Hop
rods.

Jokes number : 37

What job do rabbits at hotels have?

Bellhop.

Jokes number : 36

What is the difference between a crazy bunny
and a
counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a
mad bunny!

Jokes number : 35

What does a bunny use when it goes
fishing?
A harenet.

Jokes number : 34

What do you get when you pour hot water down a

rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

Jokes number : 33

What do you get
when you cross a rabbit
with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.

Jokes number : 32

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an

elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

Jokes number : 31

What do
you get when you cross a rabbit
with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.

Jokes number : 30

What do you get when you cross a
rabbit
with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across
the street.

Jokes number : 29

What do you get when you cross a frog and a
rabbit?
A rabbit that says, "Ribbit."

Jokes number : 28

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an
orange?
A pip squeak.

Jokes number : 27

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a

spider?
A harenet.

Jokes number : 26

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a
leek?
A bunion.

Jokes number : 25

What do you get when you cross a bumble bee
with a
rabbit?
A honey bunny.

Jokes number : 24

What do you call the everyday routines of
rabbits?
Rabbits habits.

Jokes number : 23

What do you call it when one rabbit challenges
another
rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?
A hare
dare.

Jokes number : 22

What do you call an unusual rabbit?
A rare
hare.

Jokes number : 21

What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on
someone's
forehead?
Unsightly facial hare!

Jokes number : 20

What do you call an operation on a rabbit?

A hare-cut.

Jokes number : 19

What do you call an easy-going rabbit?

Hoppy-go-lucky.

Jokes number : 18

What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
A
tender, loving hare.

Jokes number : 17

What do you call a rabbit who works in a

bakery?
A yeaster bunny!

Jokes number : 16

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?

A funny bunny

Jokes number : 15

What do you call a rabbit that plays with
foxes?
A dumb bunny.

Jokes number : 14

What do you call a mobile homes for
rabbits?
Wheelburrows!

Jokes number : 13

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his
jumper ?
Warren !

Jokes number : 12

What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare
brain.

Jokes number : 11

What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on?

A bare hare.

Jokes number : 10

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs
Bunny.

Jokes number : 9

What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?

A hip hopper.

Jokes number : 8

What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that
was out
in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

Jokes number : 7

What do rabbits put in their
computers?
Hoppy disks!

Jokes number : 6

What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding
day?
A forty-carrot wedding ring.

Jokes number : 5

What did the naughty rabbit leave for

Easter?
Deviled eggs!

Jokes number : 4

What did the magician say when he
made his
rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.

Jokes number : 3

What did the customer say to the pet shop

assistant after buying a bunny?
Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift!

Jokes number : 2

What did the bunny want to do when he grew
up?
Join the Hare Force.

Jokes number : 1

What did the bunny say when he only had

thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

Jokes number : 100

What book did the rabbit take on vacation?

One with a hoppy ending.

Jokes number : 99

What are four hundred rabbits
hopping
backwards?
A receding hare line.

Jokes number : 98

Waiter, what is this hare doing in my

salad?
I believe he's eating your lettuce.

Jokes number : 97

Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not

paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies
with
her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do?
Friend:
Don't worry; be hoppy!

Jokes number : 96

Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special
carrot
juice will cure me?
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came
back for another.

Jokes number : 95

My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs

Bunny. But I'm positive he isn't.
How do you know he isn't?

Because I am.

Jokes number : 94

May I buy half a
rabbit?
No, we don't
split hares!

Jokes number : 93

Lara Rabbit: Do you
think that's Sophie's
natural color?
Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for
sure.

Jokes number : 92

How is a rabbit like a plum?
They're both
purple, except for the rabbit.

Jokes number : 91

How far can a rabbit run into the woods?

Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.

Jokes number : 90

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Keep it
waiting.

Jokes number : 89

How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed
it.

Jokes number : 88

How do you know when you're
eating rabbit
stew?
When it has hares in it.

Jokes number : 87

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your

bed?
You can smell the carrots on his breath.

Jokes number : 86

How do rabbits get to work?
By rabbit
transit!

Jokes number : 85

How did the rabbit become a wrestling
champion?
It had a lot of hare pins!

Jokes number : 84

How did the close race between the rabbit and

the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare!

Jokes number : 83

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest

in a group?
Look for gray hares.