Jokes number : 82

Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
He was a
millionhare!

Jokes number : 81

Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street)

Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer:
Just stand where you are!!!

Jokes number : 80

A man leaves a bar,
gets into his car and
drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a
police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken

driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry,
I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that
machine I will
get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we
can give you a blood
test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia
and if you stick a needle in me
I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this
white
line".
Man: "Can't do that either".
Officer: "Why not?". Man:
"Because I'm dead drunk".

Jokes number : 79

Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the

third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Jokes number : 78

Veronica was
practicing the piano when
suddenly there was a loud pounding on the
front door. She opened it and
found a breathless cop.

"What's the matter?!" she asked.


"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.

"What are you
talking about?"

"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was
being murdered in
this house."

Jokes number : 77

Police Chief:
Why do you spend all your
time trying to hit flies?
Officer: You assigned me to the swat team,
didn't you?

Jokes number : 76

Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that

criminal?
Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

Jokes number : 75

Police Chief: Why
did you ticket the
computer?
Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

Jokes number : 74

Police Chief: Why did you arrest
that
doctor?
Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

Jokes number : 73

Police Chief: Why are you
putting handcuffs
on that building?
Officer: I'm making a house arrest

Jokes number : 72

Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me
that ticket?
Policeman: It was a moving violation.

Jokes number : 71

Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you

back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning,
Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast
through the next
town.

Jokes number : 70

Woman: Officer you must help. I've just

lost my wig.
Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the
area.

Jokes number : 69

How can you tell if you are looking at a police
glow-worm?
He has a flashing light.

Jokes number : 68

"I'll have to report you, sir," said the
traffic cop
to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour."
"Nonsense,
officer," declared the driver. "I've only been in the
car for ten
minutes."

Jokes number : 67

What nickname did the police give to the new
blonde woman
police officer?
A fair cop.

Jokes number : 66

What nickname did the police give to the new

blonde woman police officer?
A fair cop.

Jokes number : 65

What did the police
officer say to his
stomach?
I've got you under a vest.

Jokes number : 64

Police officer: And what do you think you

are doing on this road, Dracula?
Dracula: Looking for the main
artery, officer.

Jokes number : 63

The police are looking for a
thief with one
eye
Why don't they use two?

Jokes number : 62

Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have
this accident?
Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop ? Look
? Listen'. And
while I was doing that the train hit me.

Jokes number : 61

"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the

police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the

accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?"
"I'm afraid
not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes
shut!"

Jokes number : 60

An off-duty
police officer, familiar with
radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed
limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his
license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove
by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a
third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must
have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer
thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he
discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat
belt!

Jokes number : 59

A local policeman had just finished his shift
one
cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
You
just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on

the force I've never seen anything like it.
Oh yes dear, what
happened ?
I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
Drinking
battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
Oh
that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

Jokes number : 58

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling
faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a
good mood that day he decides
to give the poor fellow a break and
write him out a warning instead of
a
ticket. So, he asks the man
his name.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just
Fred," the
man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last
name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a
nut
case on his hands but plays along
with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man
replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the

time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college,
medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored
being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my
dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree so I was now
Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing
dentistry so I started fooling
around with my assistant. She gave me
VD.
So, I was Fred
Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out
about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD
with VD. Then the AMA found
out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took
away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took
away my dingaling so now
I'm just Fred."

Jokes number : 57

A defense attorney was cross-examining
a
police officer during
a felony trial - it went like this:

Q.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender
running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this
description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A
fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do
you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q.
With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes
in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q.
And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And
do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is
it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life
, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you
share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the
building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to
walk through that
room.

Jokes number : 56

Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the

state highway in
Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the
ticket, one Ranger
turned to the other and said, "How do you spell
Waxahachie?"

The other one replied, "I don't know."

So
the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it

wrong it will get dismissed."

The second Ranger said, "Why don't
we just let him go and stop him
again when he gets to Waco?"

Jokes number : 55

As a female
shopper exited a New York
convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in
the
car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the
car
and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse
from."

Jokes number : 54

A policeman had a perfect spot
to watch for
speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the
problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young
accomplice down the road with
a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.

Jokes number : 53

The sheriff of a small
town was also the
town's
veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife
answered. An
agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"


"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a
vet?" the
wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth

open, and there's a burglar in it."

Jokes number : 52

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is
this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell
me how to
cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Jokes number : 51

A policeman stops a car and suggests an

apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing
shows:
positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the
instrument
isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a
teetotaler. She
blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid
on the
backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and
the man says to his wife:
- And you kept
telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give
the kid any
alcohol!!

Jokes number : 50

A seargent is
interviewing three cadets who
were training to become detectives. To test
their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture
for 5 seconds
and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" The first cadet
answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one
eye!" The seargent says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture I
showed is his side profile."


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect,

how would you recognize him?"

The second cadet smiles, and
says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch
because he only has one ear!"


The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a
picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows
the picture to the third
cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This
is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds,
"Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."

The cadet looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The
suspect wears
contact lenses."

The seargent is surprised and speechless
because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or
not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few
minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's
file in his computer,
and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. "Wow! I can't
believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good
work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"

"That's easy," the cadet replied. "He
can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one
ear."

Jokes number : 49

A man decided that he was going to ride a
10-speed bike
from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon
City before the
mountains justbecame too much and he could go no
farther. He stuck his
thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and
told the man that if he was going
too fast, to honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the
first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be
outdone, the
Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A
short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 mph, blew through a speed
trap. The police officer noted t
he speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over
120 mph.

He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy
on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....

Jokes number : 48

A police man was on
duty one night and he
headed up to "Make out
Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the
act.

When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a
couple sat,
and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl
next to him
was knitting.

He tapped on the window and said he
was with the police department then
asked how old he was and the
guy said, "I'm 22 sir." "Well how old
is she?" the officer then
asked.

Looking at his watch the guy replied, "She'll be 18 in about
6
minutes."

Jokes number : 47

A police officer stopped a young man for
speeding. He stepped out
of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and
swaggered up to the
young man's window. "What chew driving so fast
for boy? You going to a
fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The
young man handed over his
license.
Then the officer noticed that
the back seat of the car was full of
large knives. The officer
said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on
that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a
juggler." The officer spat
some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler;
well you don't
say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you
going to
jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail.
He
offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of

demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I
juggle for
you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove
his point while he held
him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the
road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up
with Jerry Lee
Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty
pickup
truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the
right
side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable
sight
of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the

number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When
Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when

you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police

are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Jokes number : 46

A police officer, though scheduled for

all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and
started to
climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike,
dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block
and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across
the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.


As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the
druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,

right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what
the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"

Jokes number : 45

One evening this
Columbia Yuppie was
stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a
breath test by the
Howard County Police.

"Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently
as the Desk Sergeant slowly
read the print out and entered the
information in the arrest record.

"Disappointing to say the least,"
the Sergeant replied. "Chateau
Duvalier... 1962... rather thin...
not aged well at all."

Jokes number : 44

How
many cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Only
one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
Three, one to do it,
one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's
over, nothing left to
see here, folks, move along."

Jokes number : 43

How many LA cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to
splinters.

Jokes number : 42

How many cops does it take to
throw a man
down the stairs?
None. He fell.

Jokes number : 41

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident

- body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces
are
and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on

bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
Nope,
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..."
dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is
looking at him
as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

Jokes number : 40

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the
policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these
other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

Jokes number : 39

While the pope was
visiting the USA, he
told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge
to drive. The
driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream
of
questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel,
while his
driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing
between 70 and 80 mph, when a
policeman happened to see them. As he
pulled them over, he called in to
headquarters reporting a speeding
limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo,
the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than
the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The
policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the

governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman
answered: "No, someone even more important than the

President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is m
ore
important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly
wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I
don't know who is this
guy, but he has the pope as his
chauffeur."

Jokes number : 38

When Mike got arrested, they told him,
"Anything you say will be held
against you."

Mike said, "Claudia
Schiffer's breasts."

Jokes number : 37

I went to
the store the other day. I was
only in there for about five minutes,
and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a

break?'



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a

stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having
bald tires!



Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!



This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner.

Jokes number : 36

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies

changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Jokes number : 35

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police
car driving
uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving
backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to
make u-turn on
the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man
saw the same police car driving downhill
backwards again.
- But
guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place
to make u-turn up there.

Jokes number : 34

- Santa Claus, one
smart and one stupid
policeman are walking together when they spotted
hundred dollars on
the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- Stupid policeman,
since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't
exist.

Jokes number : 33

Q: Why would it be
difficult to be a police
officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Jokes number : 32

Q: What problems would
you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.

Jokes number : 31

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.


Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"


Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."


Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the

highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting
me know. I'll be more
careful.

At this point the cop looks
in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.


Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there?
They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just
got off of highway 119.

Jokes number : 30

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local
police station, along with
her next-door neighbor, to report that
her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the
missing man.

The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot
4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."

The
next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches,
chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife
replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Jokes number : 29

Polceman:
"I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to lock you up for the night."

Man: "What's the
charge?"

Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the

service.

Jokes number : 28

My
horoscope read, "You're going places
and you can't be stopped."

Apparently the cop who gave me a
ticket hadn't read it.

Jokes number : 27

A police officer pulls a guy
over for
speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your
driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for
this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove
box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes,
sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the
driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was
valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the
car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's

a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body
in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no
body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Jokes number : 26

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several

weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every

summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a
week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to visit him. The
friend, happy to get anything free from a
lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the
time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning
and enjoying the great
outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were
approached
by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
was
not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the

nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig
h-powered
rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his
friend's family. He just
had to save his friend.

Luckily, the
bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
lawyer,
pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and
shot the female.

"What did you do that
for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other
bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who
told
you that the Czech was in the male?"

Jokes number : 25

One Day
Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were
driving along in their car when Trouble
suddenly hurled himself out
of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do
so they went to the
police station. When they got there the chief
asked them their names.

"Shut Up", replied Shut
Up.

"Stupid", replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were
telling him to shut up, and
were calling him stupid. Which made him
very mad. "Excuse Me!"
shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief
was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there

names.

"Shut Up!"

"Stupid!"

The police chief was very riled. He
then asked" Are you looking for
trouble?"!!!

Stunned at the
idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for
their friend,
they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"

Jokes number : 24

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde
were
robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the
store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop
kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop
says, "oh,
its only a cat"

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says,
"woof, woof". The cop
says, "its only a dog".

He kicks the
third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

Jokes number : 23

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two
lanes of
traffic.

He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You
drinkin'?"

The driver said, "You buyin'?"

Jokes number : 22

While driving down the
road the motorist
saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting
under an
umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The
motorist
passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All
of a
sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune

teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to

slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car
and
suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman
passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the
ground.
After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do
you
think you're doing?"

After a moment the man replied, ... "Well,
I've always wanted to
strike a happy medium."

Jokes number : 21

An elderly woman had just returned to her home

from an evening worship service and was startled to find an
intruder in
her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing
her home, she yelled,
"STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized,
every one of you, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the
woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers
arrived and took the man into
custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers

asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a

scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the
burglar.

"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Jokes number : 20

The man was in no shape to drive, so
he
wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking

unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out
here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."
the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"
the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

Jokes number : 19

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast
the call and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to
respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face
in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my
possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send
me a BLIND policeman!"

Jokes number : 18

A deputy
police officer responded to a
report of a barroom disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be
well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more,
he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali
too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape

artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I
had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how

strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why

don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in
the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I
can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the
deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope,"
he replied. "I can't
do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under

arrest."

Jokes number : 17

Police officer: Excuse me, but your
dog has
been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My
dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Jokes number : 16

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a

Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia

line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie
Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did
you
stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead
of
us, so we'll never catch him."

Jokes number : 15

The phone rings at
FBI
headquarters.

"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding

marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the
call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's
house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
swear at the neighbors and
leave.

The phone rings at the
neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI

come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's
your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Jokes number : 14

A young man was walking into town one day when
a wood hauler
gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile
or two, the truck was stopped by the
highway patrol for a weight
check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had
slick tires; no horn; no
head, tail or signal lights; no windshield
wipers. Also, it was
overloaded and had bad
brakes.

"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to
charge
you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

Jokes number : 13

The policeman arrived at
the scene of an
accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.
Searching
for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in
work
clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at
the time of the accident?" inquired the
officer.

"Mister,"
exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the
pole!"

Jokes number : 12

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who
were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and
then hides
it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his

PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your

suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he
only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the
matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best ans
wer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point,
he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize
him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid
answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,

"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is
surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the
suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get
back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. "Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were
you able to make such an astute
observation?"

"That's e
asy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because
he only has one eye and one ear."

Jokes number : 11

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding

and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She
replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to

show it to you!"

Jokes number : 10

A blonde
was visiting Washington, DC for
the first time. She wanted to see the
Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a
police officer for
directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the
Capitol
building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54

bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he
drives
off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to
the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the
same bus stop. The officer
got out of his car and said, "Excuse me,
but to get to the Capitol
building, I said to wait here for the
number 54 bus. That was three hours
ago. Why are you still
waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long
now. The
45th bus just went by!"

Jokes number : 9

A middle aged woman was driving through a

school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was

giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and

everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am,"
explained the officer, "it's your foot."

Jokes number : 8

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining

bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the
officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no!", replied the
lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once
was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!"

Jokes number : 7

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street
with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're

obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely
sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I
thought I was
a cripple."

Jokes number : 6

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car
puttering
along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is
just as dangerous as a
speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies, two in
the front seat and three in the back, wide
eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to
him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp
lains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for

pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I
have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time,"
the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route
142."

Jokes number : 5

A
farmer and his pig were driving down the
road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer,
"Didn't you know it is against the law to
ride with a pig in the front
of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed
that."

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To
Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you
promise to
take the pig to the zoo when you get to
Memphis."

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop
spotted the farmer with the pig driving down
the road and he pulled him
over again.

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig
to the zoo when
you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied
"I did and we had so
much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."

Jokes number : 4

A defense attorney was
cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the
offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this
description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q:
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called

offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my
life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have
a
locker room in the police station, a room where you change your
clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we
do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir,
I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes
sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow of
ficers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you
share with those officers?

A: You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense
attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Jokes number : 3

A policeman had a
perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the
problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted
sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign
painted "TIPS" and a
bucket of change.

Jokes number : 2

A farmer who's been involved
in a terrible
road accident with a large truck ended up in court
fighting for a
big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages
for the injuries you're
supposed to have suffered?" Stated the
counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the
farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the
accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the
attending police officer asked you
how you were feeling, you
replied, 'I've never felt better inn my
life.' Is that the
case?"

"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will
suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the
farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him
questions.
"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events
following the
accident when you made your statement of health," his
lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the
accident my horse was
thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old
dog was howling in
pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my
horse and shoots him
dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at
him and shoots him dead too.
Then he come straight over to me and
asked me how I was feeling. "Now,
mate, what the heck would you have
said to him?"

Jokes number : 1

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a

state policeman pulls him over.

"You got any I.D.?" the
patrolman asked."

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

Jokes number : 62

The local sheriff was looking
for a deputy,
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the
bucket went
in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer,
what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to
himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's
right."

"What
two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and
tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct
answer that he had
never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen
carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little
surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally
admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and
work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool
hall where his pals were waiting to
hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the
job and I'm already working on a
murder case!"

Jokes number : 61

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to

steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the

shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I
just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
slip
and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
you
show me something less expensive?"

Jokes number : 60

Q:
What has dual airbags and has lots of
room?
A: The White House.

Jokes number : 59

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw

in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of
its own revolution.

Jokes number : 58

A Congressman was once asked about his
attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the
mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames
sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas
cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable potion that
puts needed funds into public
coffers to comfort little crippled
children, then I'm for it."
"This is my final position, and I will not
compromise!"

Jokes number : 57

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a

party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister

asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's
insignificant,"
replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" lawyer asked.

"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day

I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I
said
'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go,"
minister
replied.

Jokes number : 56

QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976

presidential race.
ANSWER: The American people.

Jokes number : 55

QUESTION: How long does a United States
Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

Jokes number : 54

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If
you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you
too!

Jokes number : 53

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a
war going
on between India and Bharat?

Another madman said,
"Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."

Jokes number : 52

A
Japanese man was boasting about how
his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take
the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in,
and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for
work."

An Englishman
said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take
the heart out
of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in
just 3
weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney
out of a
man, put into another man's body and have them looking
for work in 2
weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's
nothin'. We had an idiot taken
out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse
and now half the country is
lookin' for work!"

Jokes number : 51

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are
having a conversation via Al
Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George
Bush, "There is no point of
engaging in further war. I can see
total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell
me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new
great buildings on one
side and beautiful new buildings on the
other side, and everything is
peaceful and wonderful."

George
Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I
see
for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there,

a small building here and small building there, but there are signs

hanging in the middle of the street."

Osama asks, "And what
do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't
read Hebrew!"

Jokes number : 50

Two political candidates were having a

hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other,

"What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the
other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
this!"

Jokes number : 49

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was

addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a
statue."

"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people

of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly
am."

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you

have a pigeon on your head."

Jokes number : 48

Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want
Gore in 2000.

Jokes number : 47

Why is Congress like a cold?
Because
sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's
(nose).

Jokes number : 46

A small boy was
asked by his teacher,
"What is the size of the Democratic Party?"
"About 5 feet 2 inches,"
he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the
teacher.. "I mean, how MANY
members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2
inches?" "Well,"
replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and
every night he puts his
hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to
HERE with the
Democratic Party!"

Jokes number : 45

A first grade teacher explained to her class
that she is a liberal
Democrat. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing
what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands flew up into the air.

There was one exception. A girl
named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her
why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal
Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"Why
I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The
teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy

why she is a conservative Republican.

"Well, I was brought up to
trust in myself instead of relying on an
intrusive government to
care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and
Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican
too."


The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if
your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be
then?"
The teacher paused and smiled.

"Then," Lucy said,
"I'd be a liberal Democrat."

Jokes number : 44

An aircraft is about to crash. There are

five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The
first
passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
basketball
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I
died." So he
takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second
passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the
former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman
in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future

President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third
passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the
United States
of America. I have a huge responsibility in world
politics. And
apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the
history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to
die."
So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, th
e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year
old schoolboy, "I
am already old. I have already lived my life, as a
good person and
a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies
"No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute
for you.
America's most intelligent President has taken my
schoolbag."

Jokes number : 43

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown

Washington, DC.

He saw a man standing near the curb, and
asked, "Listen, I'm going to
be only a couple of minutes. Would you
watch my car while I run into
this store?"

"What?" the man
huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States
Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But
listen,
I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you
anyway."

Jokes number : 42

The President is running down the street one

day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her
dog
just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl,
I think that it's
wonderful that you're doing such a good
thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a
puppy?
They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward.
The next day Billy jogs past the same
girl and decides to talk to
her again. "You know what, little girl? I
think I'll take one of
those puppies after all, seeing as how they're
Democrats."

The
girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any

more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you
know? As a matter of fact, how did
you know that they were
Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were
born they were Democrats, but
now their eyes are open."

Jokes number : 41

A cargo plane is in
mid-flight over the
ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to
reveal an
armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot,
navigator, and a
passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?}
Maybe,
he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South

America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said,
"Take
this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the

place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and
said, "Look
buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the
sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."

The
hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head
and
said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all

over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart
and he could keel over at the
shock of my being killed. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it
for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and
repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all
over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other
two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag
much less get this plane to Iraq. So
if you shoot me, this plane will
still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought
some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
the passenger's
head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first,
then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator
all brust into laughter.
"He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He
doesn't have any
brains!"

Jokes number : 40

A reporter cornered George W.
Bush at a
press conference:

"Many say the only reason why you would be
elected for President is
due to the enormous power and influence of
your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It
doesn't matter
how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

Jokes number : 39

I want to become a politician when I grow up

so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but

I've
only come up with one: Lying.

Jokes number : 38

A reporter heard Bush and one of his
underlings talking in the
hallway:

"Mr President, how do we know
for sure Iraq has weapons of mass
destruction?"

Pres says:
"You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the

receipts!!"

Jokes number : 37

Q: How many conservatives does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on
the merit of the previous
bulb.

Jokes number : 36

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw
in a light
bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to
hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to
realize that the old one has
burnt out.

Jokes number : 35

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take
to change
a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well it's not really a
question of should we change it or
should we not change the lightbulb,
but more a question of...(blah blah
waffle)"

Jokes number : 34

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw

in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates
representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A:
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from

jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are
already part of
the environment.

Jokes number : 33

Q: How many Labour Party
members does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on
that.

Jokes number : 32

Q: How many MP's
does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a
fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.

Jokes number : 31

Q: How many believable,
competent, "just
right for the job" presidential candidates does it
take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

Jokes number : 30

Q:
How many politicians does it take to
change a lightbulb ? A: Four, one
to change it and the other three
to deny it.

Jokes number : 29

Q: How many politicians does it take to

change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to
change it back again.

Jokes number : 28

Q: How many Republicans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the
chandelier. A: None, they
only screw the poor

Jokes number : 27

Q: How many senators does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a

quorum.

Jokes number : 26

Q:
How many US Presidents does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only
Congress can screw in light
bulbs, so only Congress is responsible
for the dark, which is why we need
a Constitutional ammendment.

A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can

handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

Jokes number : 25

If the
State of the Union is really "the
best it's ever been"
Why do we "need" dozens of new government
programs to fix it!

Jokes number : 24

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask

jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in
his ribs. "Give me your
money", he demanded.
Indignant, the
affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United
States Congressman!"


"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Jokes number : 23

One day a boy and his father were at the
dining room
table
working on the boy's Social Studies homework,
the chapter
about government. The boy turns to his father and
asks,
"Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
The father
replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."

Jokes number : 22

The politician was sitting at his campaign
headquarters
when the phone
rang. He listened intently, and
after a moment his face brightened.
When
he hung up, he immediately
phoned his mother to tell her the good
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the
results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The
politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a
time

like this?"

Jokes number : 21

Two
men were stopped by a TV newswoman
doing street
interviews about the upcoming presidential primary
election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man
said. "I
don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the
second man said. "Only I know
them all."

Jokes number : 20

Three Republicans walk into a bar.
The
bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."
The Republicans
say, "That's OK...We don't serve you either.

Jokes number : 19

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do

all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied,
"No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin
with 'If
Elected I promise...'"

Jokes number : 18

A
redneck calles up the White House and
tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of
the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an
idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

Jokes number : 17

Definition:
Politics Poli (Poly):
Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

Jokes number : 16

When
that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history,
I knew he was a
demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous
kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War
by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored
nuclear
annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past,
I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had
nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all
along...
...what kind of fool am I?

Jokes number : 15

I don't think this whole White House
scandal is good for
parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie,
and he
said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town
Meeting."

Jokes number : 14

A political man to a woman, "You look

beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I
could not say the same
about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the
political man, "if you could lie as well
as I do!"

Jokes number : 13

What is the difference between the
government and
the Mafia? One of them is organized.

Jokes number : 12

Q: Why do they always fly
around a live
turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Jokes number : 11

Q: How can you tell if it
was a shared
computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the
White-out.

Jokes number : 10

Three boys were heading home from school

one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal

one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw
a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it
just
after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys
said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow
from his bow and run to
the target and hold it up to make sure the
arrow hits the bulls
eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to
being faster
than mine. My dad works for the government, and even
though he works
every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

Jokes number : 9

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian

problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Jokes number : 8

Q: What's the difference between

Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Jokes number : 7

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really
dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Jokes number : 6

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A:
T-A-T-E-R.

Jokes number : 5

Q: What is the basement where White House

staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.

Jokes number : 4

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of

secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.

Jokes number : 3

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al
Gore's life?
A: Grade six.

Jokes number : 2

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets

treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A:
Coffee.

Jokes number : 1

Q: You know what the
problem with
political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.

Jokes number : 100

Q: What's
the difference between Janet
Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the
kids out.

Jokes number : 99

The major difference between death and taxes

is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.

Jokes number : 98

Q: How many
helicopters does it take for
White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many
were photographed.

Jokes number : 97

Q: Why did the
Davidians commit
suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Jokes number : 96

Q: Why are there
more jokes about Waco
than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Jokes number : 95

Q: What do a Wendy's
Hamburger and the
Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy
named "Dave".

Jokes number : 94

Q: What is the difference between a liberal

and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What is the only thing worse than an
incompetent
liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Jokes number : 92

Q: Why do liberals
travel in
threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both

intellectuals.

Jokes number : 91

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal
who made it through adolescence.

Jokes number : 90

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal
who's been mugged.

Jokes number : 89

It has been said that the United States has

the best
congressmen money can buy.

Jokes number : 88

A Republican and a Democrat
were walking
down the street when they came to a homeless person. The
Republican
gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come
to
his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his

pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very
impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided
to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him
directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's
pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Jokes number : 87

Two opposing county chairman were sharing

a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass
up
a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a
cab, I
give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it
doesn't cost
me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I
leave, I also
say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

Jokes number : 86

"Are you a
member of any organized
political party?"
"No. I'm a Republican."

Jokes number : 85

Q: How many Democrats does it take to
destroy
a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the
taxpayers.

Jokes number : 84

Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill

Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Jokes number : 83

Q: How many republicans does
it take to
raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Jokes number : 82

Q: How many republicans
does it take to
disarm the law abiding public so that the government can
enforce
totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The
Sociali--Democrats do that

Jokes number : 81

Democrat men like to watch football while
the women fix
holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full
agreement.

Jokes number : 80

Republicans
first began thinking like
Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa
Claus.
Democrats
became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa
Claus.

Jokes number : 79

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting

their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't
either, as long as the Indians win.

Jokes number : 78

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial
Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait
until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it
after
New Years.

Jokes number : 77

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is
"Deck the Halls."
Young Democrat's favorite Christmas carol is
"Grandma Got Run Over by
a Reindeer."
Republican's favorite Christmas
carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas
carol is "White
Christmas."

Jokes number : 76

Most Republicans try, at least
once,
enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their

families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats
usually discourages them from doing it
again.

Jokes number : 75

Democrats wear wide red ties and green

sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all
year round.

Jokes number : 74

Republicans always take the price tag off

expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags
off pricey gifts ... and reposition
them to make sure they are
seen.

Jokes number : 73

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is

"Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is
"It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite
Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

Jokes number : 72

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and
hours of
work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas
displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at
night to look
at *other* people's lights.

Jokes number : 71

Republican parents have
no problem
buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why
their kids pretend to shoot each
other with dolls.

Jokes number : 70

Democrats do much of their shopping at
Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Jokes number : 69

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a

catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late
night
television.

Jokes number : 68

Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous
movie scenes?
A stunt ham.

Jokes number : 67

The teacher was furious with her son. "Just
because
you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can
take
liberties. You're a pig." The boy said nothing. "Well! Do you
know
what a pig is?" "Yes, Mom," said the boy. "The offspring of a

swine."

Jokes number : 66

What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy

goat?
A crashing bore.

Jokes number : 65

Why do pigs never recover from illness ?

Because you have to kill them before you cure them !

Jokes number : 64

What kind of tie does a pig wear ?
Pig's tie
!

Jokes number : 63

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of
grapes
?
A swine gut !

Jokes number : 62

What did the pig call a manuscript?
A shoat
story.

Jokes number : 61

What famous pig actor made a movie about

Frankenswine?
Boaris Karloff.

Jokes number : 60

Why did the pig send his story to New
York?

He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

Jokes number : 59

Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized
his
story?
Because they called it garbage.

Jokes number : 58

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New

York?
Pigpockets.

Jokes number : 57

What did the pig say
when he found a line of
ants in his trough?
"Mmm. Canapes."

Jokes number : 56

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with

toads?
She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

Jokes number : 55

Why wouldn't the
piglet's mother let her
read romantic novels?
She was afraid her daughter would run away with
a wolf.

Jokes number : 54

Why wouldn't the bird
let her chicks go near
the pig pen?
She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.

Jokes number : 53

Why won't the witch
let the traveling pig
actors into her gingerbread cottage?
She's afraid they'll bring down
the house.

Jokes number : 52

Why won't pigs take up
jogging?
They
don't like to get that far from the table.

Jokes number : 51

Why should you never invite a pig to join your

tug-of-war team?
Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

Jokes number : 50

Why isn't there a Superpig?
It's too hard
for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

Jokes number : 49

Why is your dad chasing those
pigs through the
garden?
We're raising mashed potatoes.

Jokes number : 48

Why is the cook worried
about catching his
runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way.

Jokes number : 47

Why was
the pig unhappy in the Minors?

Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

Jokes number : 46

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?

Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

Jokes number : 45

Why doesn't Santa hitch
his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

Jokes number : 44

Why do pigs run into trees?
To shake out the
alligators.
I've never seen an alligator In a tree.
That's
because the pigs do such a good job.

Jokes number : 43

Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of
hogsgobblin.

Jokes number : 42

Why do pigs like February 14th?
They get lots
of Valenswines.

Jokes number : 41

Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their

feed trough?
They were saving the best for last.

Jokes number : 40

Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher
pig?
Because he was an old boar.

Jokes number : 39

Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his

own?
He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic
Man and the
Blonic Woman.

Jokes number : 38

Why did the spotted pigs run away?
They
thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on
the
dotted swine.

Jokes number : 37

Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green?
It
was Saint Patrick's Day.

Jokes number : 36

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their

stained glass class?
They stained it with mud.

Jokes number : 35

Why did the piglets get in trouble in
their
biology class?
They ate all the specimens.