What kind of
bee can keep an aeroplane dry
?
An aero-drone !
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Jokes number : 89
What does a bee say before it
stings you
?
This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !
stings you
?
This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !
Jokes number : 88
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other
bees ?
Because they kept droning on and on !
bees ?
Because they kept droning on and on !
Jokes number : 84
Why did the bees go on strike ?
Because they
wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
Because they
wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Jokes number : 58
What buzzes, is black and
yellow and goes
along the bottom of the sea ?
A bee in a submarine !
yellow and goes
along the bottom of the sea ?
A bee in a submarine !
Jokes number : 56
How do we know that insects are so clever
?
Because they always know when your eating outside !
?
Because they always know when your eating outside !
Jokes number : 54
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor
cycle
stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
cycle
stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Jokes number : 47
What is the difference
between an elephant
and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have
elephants !
between an elephant
and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have
elephants !
Jokes number : 46
One woodworm met another. "How's life?" she
asked.
"Oh, same as usual," he replied, "boring."
asked.
"Oh, same as usual," he replied, "boring."
Jokes number : 43
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea
when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a
dog?
when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a
dog?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Jokes number : 42
First Caribou: What do
you call a bee that
can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.
you call a bee that
can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.
Jokes number : 40
An idiot decided to start a chicken
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."
Jokes number : 39
There were two guys working for the
city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other
would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
These two
men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling
it up
again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how
hard
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger,
"I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a
hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up
again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."
city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other
would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
These two
men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling
it up
again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how
hard
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger,
"I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a
hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up
again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."
Jokes number : 38
One idiot said to the other, "You
know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those
who
can count, and those who can't.
know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those
who
can count, and those who can't.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Jokes number : 31
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take
his bedroom door off the
hinges and put it to the sid every night
when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would
look through the
keyhole.
his bedroom door off the
hinges and put it to the sid every night
when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would
look through the
keyhole.
Jokes number : 30
Two newfies walked into a pet
store. The first says "I want four budgies."
Salesman-certainly sir,
would you like two male and two female or
all male or all female?
Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!
Salesman-certainly
sir, what color would you like? We have yellow,
blue, gr...
Newfie
- I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a
box
for me. Is that too hard?
Salesman - O.K. O.K.
The two newfies
pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this
high cliff in
Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and
pulls out
two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff
while
flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second
newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says
"What a
shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to
be!"
store. The first says "I want four budgies."
Salesman-certainly sir,
would you like two male and two female or
all male or all female?
Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!
Salesman-certainly
sir, what color would you like? We have yellow,
blue, gr...
Newfie
- I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a
box
for me. Is that too hard?
Salesman - O.K. O.K.
The two newfies
pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this
high cliff in
Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and
pulls out
two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff
while
flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second
newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says
"What a
shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to
be!"
Jokes number : 29
Q: Have you heard about the Irish
abortion
clinic?
A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
abortion
clinic?
A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
Jokes number : 28
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish
people that drowned?
A: They were riverdancing.
people that drowned?
A: They were riverdancing.
Jokes number : 27
After interviewing a particularly
short-spoken
job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather
monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?".
Thinking that he was
just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"
short-spoken
job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather
monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?".
Thinking that he was
just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"
Monday, January 23, 2012
Jokes number : 26
Fire
investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security
system..."
investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security
system..."
Jokes number : 25
A student in Belle, West Virginia
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Jokes number : 24
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug
policy last
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug
policy last
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
Jokes number : 23
An Illinois man pretending to have a
gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from
his own bank accounts.
gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from
his own bank accounts.
Jokes number : 22
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the
car wash?
- He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a
tornado
car wash?
- He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a
tornado
Jokes number : 21
How do you keep an imbecile
happy
all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
happy
all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Jokes number : 17
A guy walking down a street one
afternoon passes an old man sitting
on the side of the road with a large
sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the
sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there
sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the
sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many
monkeys I got in this
sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
afternoon passes an old man sitting
on the side of the road with a large
sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the
sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there
sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the
sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many
monkeys I got in this
sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
Jokes number : 16
Sister: Why are you putting
the
saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going
?
the
saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going
?
Jokes number : 15
My friend is so silly that he spent two
weeks in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob!
weeks in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob!
Jokes number : 14
A silly boy
spent the afternoon with some
friends, but when the time came for him
to leave, a terrific storm started
with thunder, lightning and
torrential rain.
'You can't go
home in this,' said one of his friends, ' you'd
better stay the
night.'
'That's very kind of you,' said the boy. ' I'll just run
home and
get my pyjamas.'
spent the afternoon with some
friends, but when the time came for him
to leave, a terrific storm started
with thunder, lightning and
torrential rain.
'You can't go
home in this,' said one of his friends, ' you'd
better stay the
night.'
'That's very kind of you,' said the boy. ' I'll just run
home and
get my pyjamas.'
Jokes number : 13
A boy went into the local department
store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried
on
this escalator.'
The boy then spent the next tow hours
looking for a dog.
store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried
on
this escalator.'
The boy then spent the next tow hours
looking for a dog.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Jokes number : 10
According to the
Knight-Ridder News
Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the
following
letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last
week I
shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
cooking
instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was
horrible."
Knight-Ridder News
Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the
following
letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last
week I
shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
cooking
instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was
horrible."
Jokes number : 9
Swedish
business consultant Ulf af
Trolle labored 11 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it
reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the
copier with the shredder.
business consultant Ulf af
Trolle labored 11 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it
reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the
copier with the shredder.
Jokes number : 8
Jim sees his neighbor out back building
a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas
generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie
huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker
now,
'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's
nuts."
a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas
generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie
huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker
now,
'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's
nuts."
Jokes number : 7
Police in
Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
Jokes number : 6
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and
ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
iceberg.
and
ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
iceberg.
Jokes number : 5
I
was sitting in my science class,
when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest
day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering
and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very
disappointed.
was sitting in my science class,
when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest
day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering
and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very
disappointed.
Jokes number : 4
My neighbor works in the operations
department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
Jokes number : 3
I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason:
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross
there.
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason:
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross
there.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Jokes number : 2
Police in Oakland, California spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come
out and give
himself up.
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come
out and give
himself up.
Jokes number : 1
During a break on a North Dakota office
building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
"What
fer?" asked Pyle.
"Shorter hours."
"Good fer them!" said
the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty
minutes was too long fer an
hour!"
building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
"What
fer?" asked Pyle.
"Shorter hours."
"Good fer them!" said
the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty
minutes was too long fer an
hour!"
Jokes number : 100
Kennen was having a drink in a saloon
when his neighbor,
Stakely, came rushing in.
"Ah think
somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said
breathlessly.
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
"Well, did
yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw!" said the redneck. "He was
too fast. But Ah got his license
plate before he got away!"
when his neighbor,
Stakely, came rushing in.
"Ah think
somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said
breathlessly.
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
"Well, did
yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw!" said the redneck. "He was
too fast. But Ah got his license
plate before he got away!"
Jokes number : 99
The July temperature in
Joplin
climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat,
Bozell
was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to
watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" "
'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two
coats!"
Joplin
climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat,
Bozell
was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to
watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" "
'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two
coats!"
Jokes number : 98
Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to
cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller
asked
if he could identify himself.
"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"
"There's one on the wall right
beside you," said the clerk.
Izzard took a glance in the mirror and
heaved a sigh of relief.
"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all
right!"
cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller
asked
if he could identify himself.
"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"
"There's one on the wall right
beside you," said the clerk.
Izzard took a glance in the mirror and
heaved a sigh of relief.
"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all
right!"
Jokes number : 97
Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in
a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat
racing by flooded their boat.
"How we gonna get the water out?" asked
Mayne. "Easy," said
Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of
the boat and let the water
drain out." The men drilled a hole in
the bottom, and more water started
rushing in. "Wait a minute!"
exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole
so's the water comin' in
through the first one has a place to go back
into the lake!"
a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat
racing by flooded their boat.
"How we gonna get the water out?" asked
Mayne. "Easy," said
Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of
the boat and let the water
drain out." The men drilled a hole in
the bottom, and more water started
rushing in. "Wait a minute!"
exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole
so's the water comin' in
through the first one has a place to go back
into the lake!"
Jokes number : 96
Zack and Tybe, two
Alabama farm
boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck
apiece.
They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash,
they
realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money
they'd started
out with.
"See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we
shoulda got a bigger
truck!"
Alabama farm
boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck
apiece.
They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash,
they
realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money
they'd started
out with.
"See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we
shoulda got a bigger
truck!"
Jokes number : 95
When a small Montana village decided to
buy a new fire
truck, the town council met to decide what to do
with the old one.
Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we
should keep the old
truck," he said.
"We can use it for all
them false alarms!"
buy a new fire
truck, the town council met to decide what to do
with the old one.
Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we
should keep the old
truck," he said.
"We can use it for all
them false alarms!"
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Jokes number : 94
Melburn was strolling along downtown
Natchez with a framed picture
under his arm. "Hey, what yew got
there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno
much 'bout art," replied Melburn,
"but Ah just bought me an original
Michelangelo for two hundred
dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in
ballpoint!"
Natchez with a framed picture
under his arm. "Hey, what yew got
there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno
much 'bout art," replied Melburn,
"but Ah just bought me an original
Michelangelo for two hundred
dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in
ballpoint!"
Jokes number : 93
IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken:
Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.
Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . .
.
Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.
Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . .
.
Jokes number : 92
Jett was trying to
light a match.
He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it
away.
He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed
it.
Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!"
said
the idiot, blowing it out.
"Ah'm gonna save it!"
light a match.
He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it
away.
He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed
it.
Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!"
said
the idiot, blowing it out.
"Ah'm gonna save it!"
Jokes number : 90
Why did the idiot drive his pickup
truck over the side of the cliff?
He wanted to try out his new air
brakes.
truck over the side of the cliff?
He wanted to try out his new air
brakes.
Jokes number : 89
Did you hear about the idiot who filled
out an employment
application?
In the blank labeled "Church
Preference" he filled in: Red
brick.
out an employment
application?
In the blank labeled "Church
Preference" he filled in: Red
brick.
Jokes number : 88
Slim walked into his local post office
and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN
MONTANA
"Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take
it!"
and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN
MONTANA
"Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take
it!"
Jokes number : 87
Did you hear about the Oklahoma
idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name
it to reflect both races.
So they called it Running Dummy.
idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name
it to reflect both races.
So they called it Running Dummy.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Jokes number : 86
Did you hear about the idiot who
planted Cheerios in his backyard?
He thought they were donut
seeds.
planted Cheerios in his backyard?
He thought they were donut
seeds.
Jokes number : 85
Titus was on a
Knoxville elevator
with several other people. As the elevator moved up,
he stared at
the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling.
"It's
amazing," he said to the other people, "that such a small fan
could lift
all these people!"
Knoxville elevator
with several other people. As the elevator moved up,
he stared at
the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling.
"It's
amazing," he said to the other people, "that such a small fan
could lift
all these people!"
Jokes number : 84
Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter,
Kilby and
Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they
came to a high,
solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh,
Sumter and Kilby
boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks
like one of them nudist
camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?"
asked Pugh. "Can't
tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes
on."
Kilby and
Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they
came to a high,
solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh,
Sumter and Kilby
boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks
like one of them nudist
camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?"
asked Pugh. "Can't
tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes
on."
Jokes number : 83
Did you hear about the hillbilly who
asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted
to
start a dark room.
asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted
to
start a dark room.
Jokes number : 82
Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and
went out in the woods looking for
Christmas trees.
They
looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally
said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next
tree we come to, whether it has
lights on it or not!"
went out in the woods looking for
Christmas trees.
They
looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally
said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next
tree we come to, whether it has
lights on it or not!"
Jokes number : 81
The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager
to count to
five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his
fingers.
Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?"
The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five
again.
to count to
five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his
fingers.
Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?"
The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five
again.
Jokes number : 80
Did you hear about
the Brooklyn
bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the
escalator got
stuck?
the Brooklyn
bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the
escalator got
stuck?
Jokes number : 79
Treadwell walked into a Biloxi
stationery store and
asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?"
"Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"
stationery store and
asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?"
"Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Jokes number : 77
Did you hear about the Murfreesboro
muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?
The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was
pregnant.
muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?
The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was
pregnant.
Jokes number : 76
Did you hear about the Montana moron
who went looking for a
gas leak with a safety match?
who went looking for a
gas leak with a safety match?
Jokes number : 75
Did you
hear about the Texan who
moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of
both states?
hear about the Texan who
moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of
both states?
Jokes number : 74
"How come you're only
watering
half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
"I
just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."
watering
half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
"I
just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."
Jokes number : 73
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who
got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his
name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his
name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
Jokes number : 72
Did you hear about the Georgia
accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
Jokes number : 71
Did you hear about the
Baton Rouge
bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends
were
planning to give her a shower?
Baton Rouge
bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends
were
planning to give her a shower?
Monday, January 16, 2012
Jokes number : 70
"What did Shawn
like most about his
trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the
French pheasants
singing the Mayonnaise."
like most about his
trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the
French pheasants
singing the Mayonnaise."
Jokes number : 69
Doctor: That deafness cure help your
brother?
Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the
very day
after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
brother?
Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the
very day
after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
Jokes number : 68
Did you hear about the Irishman who
tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he
couldn't make it so he swam
back.
tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he
couldn't make it so he swam
back.
Jokes number : 65
Why can't the Philippines field an ice
hockey team? The players
all drowned in spring training.
hockey team? The players
all drowned in spring training.
Jokes number : 64
Iraq has just ordered two
thousand
septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive
them, they are going to invade
Iran.
thousand
septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive
them, they are going to invade
Iran.
Jokes number : 63
Carmella and Mario were out on their
first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.
"No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"
first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.
"No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Jokes number : 61
Why did Rudolfo salute the box of
Cornflakes in the
supermarket?
Because the label said General
Foods.
Cornflakes in the
supermarket?
Because the label said General
Foods.
Jokes number : 60
Then there was the Puerto
Rican
surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix
transplant.
Rican
surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix
transplant.
Jokes number : 59
Did
you hear about the Puerto Rican
secretary who was getting so experienced
she could type twenty
mistakes a minute?
you hear about the Puerto Rican
secretary who was getting so experienced
she could type twenty
mistakes a minute?
Jokes number : 58
Did you hear about the Mexican
bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
Jokes number : 57
Why does the Philippines ban rectal
thermometers?
They cause too much brain damage.
thermometers?
They cause too much brain damage.
Jokes number : 56
Did you hear about the Finn who
spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an
earthquake.
spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an
earthquake.
Jokes number : 55
And then there was the Newfie who was
found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd
tried
to hang himself with a rubber band.
found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd
tried
to hang himself with a rubber band.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Jokes number : 54
Did you hear about the guy
from
Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which
part of
the olive to throw away?
from
Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which
part of
the olive to throw away?
Jokes number : 53
Why are Canadians given only a half
hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.
hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.
Jokes number : 52
The Albanian planted lightbulbs in
his garden.
He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
his garden.
He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
Jokes number : 51
Did you hear about the
Iranian
terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter
because he
couldn't stand the draft?
Iranian
terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter
because he
couldn't stand the draft?
Jokes number : 50
Did you hear about the dumb
father
who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30
minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?
father
who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30
minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?
Jokes number : 49
Henderson bought a new
car and,
after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he
came
out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in
the
ignition.
He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest
window to break?" he
asked.
"You don't have to break any of the
windows," explained the dealer.
"I'll come right down with another
key and we can open it together."
"No, no!" shouted the new car
owner. "I gotta know now! It's about
to rain and I wanna put the
top up!"
car and,
after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he
came
out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in
the
ignition.
He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest
window to break?" he
asked.
"You don't have to break any of the
windows," explained the dealer.
"I'll come right down with another
key and we can open it together."
"No, no!" shouted the new car
owner. "I gotta know now! It's about
to rain and I wanna put the
top up!"
Jokes number : 48
An army sergeant told Private Perkins
to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I
thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO.
"Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody
there!"
to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I
thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO.
"Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody
there!"
Jokes number : 47
Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof,
and
he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.
"Why
don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton.
"I can't today,"
Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain."
"Well, why don't you patch
it in dry weather."
"It don't leak then!"
and
he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.
"Why
don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton.
"I can't today,"
Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain."
"Well, why don't you patch
it in dry weather."
"It don't leak then!"
Friday, January 13, 2012
Jokes number : 46
Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were
standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.
A
man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take
down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?"
"We
don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We
wanna
measure the height!"
standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.
A
man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take
down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?"
"We
don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We
wanna
measure the height!"
Jokes number : 45
Chaffee
could talk on any subject
whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly
he didn't. One day
his neighbor Nibley could stand no more.
"Do you realize,"
asked Nibley, "that you and I know all there is to
be known?"
"Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?"
"Easy," answered Nibley. "You know everything except that you're a
damn idiot. And I know that!"
could talk on any subject
whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly
he didn't. One day
his neighbor Nibley could stand no more.
"Do you realize,"
asked Nibley, "that you and I know all there is to
be known?"
"Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?"
"Easy," answered Nibley. "You know everything except that you're a
damn idiot. And I know that!"
Jokes number : 44
Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.
The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have
your
eyes ever been checked?"
"No," said the worker.
"They've always been brown."
The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have
your
eyes ever been checked?"
"No," said the worker.
"They've always been brown."
Jokes number : 43
Rigby drove into the city with his girl
to catch their first play at a theater.
Rigby rushed up to
the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for
tonight's show."
"Sorry," said the box office attendant. "There are no seats
left. We
have only two standing rooms left."
"Well, I'll be
hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the
farm boy. "Are
they together?"
to catch their first play at a theater.
Rigby rushed up to
the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for
tonight's show."
"Sorry," said the box office attendant. "There are no seats
left. We
have only two standing rooms left."
"Well, I'll be
hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the
farm boy. "Are
they together?"
Jokes number : 42
Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham
at a Tus-caloosa
ballroom.
They danced every dance
together. When the evening was over, he asked
if he could see her next time
he was in town.
"Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly.
The
young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked,
"What's
your number?"
"CApitol 4-6173."
After a long
embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a
capital 4?"
at a Tus-caloosa
ballroom.
They danced every dance
together. When the evening was over, he asked
if he could see her next time
he was in town.
"Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly.
The
young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked,
"What's
your number?"
"CApitol 4-6173."
After a long
embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a
capital 4?"
Jokes number : 41
Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison
electrical repairmen, were
working on a blown house circuit.
"Hey,
Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?"
"Sure," Cole
answered.
"Now just grab one of them."
Cole grabbed one of the
wires.
"Feel anything?" asked his partner.
"Not a
thing," answered Cole.
"Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other
one or you'll drop
dead!"
electrical repairmen, were
working on a blown house circuit.
"Hey,
Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?"
"Sure," Cole
answered.
"Now just grab one of them."
Cole grabbed one of the
wires.
"Feel anything?" asked his partner.
"Not a
thing," answered Cole.
"Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other
one or you'll drop
dead!"
Jokes number : 40
Delmer: How'd you like the play last
night over at the high
school?
Parley: I only seed the first
act, but not the second. Delmer: Why
didn't you stay?
Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years
Later.'
night over at the high
school?
Parley: I only seed the first
act, but not the second. Delmer: Why
didn't you stay?
Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years
Later.'
Jokes number : 39
Guidry called in Plotke, the painter,
for an estimate to paint his house.
"How much you gonna
charge me?" asked Guidry.
"Twenty dollars an hour," replied Plotke.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed the home owner. "I wouldn't pay
Michelangelo
that price!"
"I tell you one thing, mister," said the
painter. "If that guy you
mentioned is doin' the job for less, he
ain't no member of our
union!"
for an estimate to paint his house.
"How much you gonna
charge me?" asked Guidry.
"Twenty dollars an hour," replied Plotke.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed the home owner. "I wouldn't pay
Michelangelo
that price!"
"I tell you one thing, mister," said the
painter. "If that guy you
mentioned is doin' the job for less, he
ain't no member of our
union!"
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Jokes number : 38
Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to
complain that his canary wouldn't sing.
"File the beak just
a little," said the owner, "and the bird will
sing. But if you file
it too much, the canary will die."
Two weeks later Pearson ran
into Calvin on the street and asked about
his canary.
"He
died," said Calvin.
"But I told you not to file the beak too
much."
"I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him
out of the
vise, he was already dead."
complain that his canary wouldn't sing.
"File the beak just
a little," said the owner, "and the bird will
sing. But if you file
it too much, the canary will die."
Two weeks later Pearson ran
into Calvin on the street and asked about
his canary.
"He
died," said Calvin.
"But I told you not to file the beak too
much."
"I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him
out of the
vise, he was already dead."
Jokes number : 37
Young Bradley arrived at his date's
house wearing a shirt that had water
dripping from it.
"What're you doin'?" asked his girlfriend. "How come your shirt is
soakin' wet?"
"Well," said Bradley, "it said on the label: WASH
AND WEAR."
house wearing a shirt that had water
dripping from it.
"What're you doin'?" asked his girlfriend. "How come your shirt is
soakin' wet?"
"Well," said Bradley, "it said on the label: WASH
AND WEAR."
Jokes number : 35
Did you hear about the dimwit who went
to visit his
girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?
He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
to visit his
girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?
He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
Jokes number : 34
Holton
sat down in a Green Bay
restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you
know whether the milk from
this dairy is pasteurized?"
"Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning
they turn the cows out to
pasture."
sat down in a Green Bay
restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you
know whether the milk from
this dairy is pasteurized?"
"Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning
they turn the cows out to
pasture."
Jokes number : 33
Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?
Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
Jokes number : 32
Did you hear about the rookie Rhode
Island cop who gave out
twenty-two parking tickets before he found out
he was at a drive-in
movie?
Island cop who gave out
twenty-two parking tickets before he found out
he was at a drive-in
movie?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Jokes number : 29
Did you hear
about the dimwit who
was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for
crocodiles?
about the dimwit who
was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for
crocodiles?
Jokes number : 28
Personnel Director: What would you do
if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go
to these places no more!
if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go
to these places no more!
Jokes number : 27
Did you hear about the dumb father who
got up and struck a
match to see if he had blown out the candle?
got up and struck a
match to see if he had blown out the candle?
Jokes number : 25
"Say, your house is
burning."
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new
one."
burning."
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new
one."
Jokes number : 24
Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill
collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't
believe me.
Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and
tell him
myself.
collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't
believe me.
Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and
tell him
myself.
Jokes number : 23
Q: How many idiots who ask stupid
questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Change it to
what?
questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Change it to
what?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Jokes number : 22
Fred: Did you hear about the Irish
window
cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?
Harry: What
did the sign say?
Fred: Stop.
window
cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?
Harry: What
did the sign say?
Fred: Stop.
Jokes number : 20
A man in a swimming
pool was on the
very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and
was about to
dive when the attendant came running up, shouting,
"Don't dive ?
there's no water in that pool!"
"That's all right," said the man.
"I can't swim!"
pool was on the
very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and
was about to
dive when the attendant came running up, shouting,
"Don't dive ?
there's no water in that pool!"
"That's all right," said the man.
"I can't swim!"
Jokes number : 18
Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in
the whole school.
Mother: That's my son.
Teacher: Oh! I'm
so sorry.
Mother: You're sorry?
the whole school.
Mother: That's my son.
Teacher: Oh! I'm
so sorry.
Mother: You're sorry?
Jokes number : 15
An Irishman saw a notice outside a
police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in
and applied for the job!
police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in
and applied for the job!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Jokes number : 14
A stupid man was
struggling out of
his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him,
"Hello,
Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied,
"I'm
taking it to the store to have it measured for a new
tablecloth."
struggling out of
his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him,
"Hello,
Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied,
"I'm
taking it to the store to have it measured for a new
tablecloth."
Jokes number : 13
An idiotic laborer was told by an
equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do
with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man," he
replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."
equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do
with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man," he
replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."
Jokes number : 12
My
friend is so stupid he thinks
that an autograph is a chart showing sales
figures for cars.
friend is so stupid he thinks
that an autograph is a chart showing sales
figures for cars.
Jokes number : 10
Did you hear about the stupid
photographer?
He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
photographer?
He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
Jokes number : 8
A stupid glazier was examining a broken
window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse
than I
thought. It's broken on both sides."
window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse
than I
thought. It's broken on both sides."
Jokes number : 7
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Jokes number : 5
Did you hear about the stupid wizard?
He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
Jokes number : 2
Two men were knocking in nails to
the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do
you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the
point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on
the other side of the house!"
the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do
you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the
point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on
the other side of the house!"
Jokes number : 99
I can't understand the critics
saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really
enjoyed it.
saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really
enjoyed it.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Jokes number : 98
Did you hear about the village idiot
buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.
buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.
Jokes number : 97
Did you hear
about the idiot who
made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard
boiled eggs.
about the idiot who
made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard
boiled eggs.
Jokes number : 96
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
Jokes number : 95
A man went into a pet shop to buy a
parrot. He was
shown an especially fine one which he liked the look
of, but he was
puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its
feet. "What are they
for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well,
sir," came the reply,
"that's a very unusual feature of this
particular parrot. You see,
he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in
the circus. If you pull the
string on his left foot he says
'Hello' and if you pull the string on
his left foot he says 'Goodbye'."
"And what happens if you pull
both strings at once?" "I fall off my
perch, you fool!" screeched the
parrot.
parrot. He was
shown an especially fine one which he liked the look
of, but he was
puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its
feet. "What are they
for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well,
sir," came the reply,
"that's a very unusual feature of this
particular parrot. You see,
he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in
the circus. If you pull the
string on his left foot he says
'Hello' and if you pull the string on
his left foot he says 'Goodbye'."
"And what happens if you pull
both strings at once?" "I fall off my
perch, you fool!" screeched the
parrot.
Jokes number : 94
Did
you hear about the fool who
keeps going round saying "no"?
No.
Oh, so it's you!
you hear about the fool who
keeps going round saying "no"?
No.
Oh, so it's you!
Jokes number : 93
Fred: Do you think I'm a fool?
Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
Jokes number : 92
A couple of hunters from Prague are out
hunting, and an emormous
bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of
the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive,
trapped in the belly of the
grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to
town and organizes a rescue party which
heads back to the woods
armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.
Soon they spot two bears on
the horizon and everybody starts shooting
at the bear that's
closest to them.
"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter,
"That's the
female."
"The Czech is in the male."
hunting, and an emormous
bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of
the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive,
trapped in the belly of the
grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to
town and organizes a rescue party which
heads back to the woods
armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.
Soon they spot two bears on
the horizon and everybody starts shooting
at the bear that's
closest to them.
"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter,
"That's the
female."
"The Czech is in the male."
Jokes number : 91
A young reporter went to a retirement home to
interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the
old man to
tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native
gunbearer was
behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the
path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only
to find the native
had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a
mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself."
The reporter said, "Under
those circumstances anyone would have done
the same."
The old
explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went
'ROARRRR!'"
interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the
old man to
tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native
gunbearer was
behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the
path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only
to find the native
had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a
mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself."
The reporter said, "Under
those circumstances anyone would have done
the same."
The old
explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went
'ROARRRR!'"
Friday, January 6, 2012
Jokes number : 90
What does the lion say to his
friends
before they go out hunting for food ?
'Let us prey.'
friends
before they go out hunting for food ?
'Let us prey.'
Jokes number : 89
Two hunters went moose
hunting every
winter without success. Finally, they came up with a
fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating
call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure
the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull. They set
themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume, and
began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the
clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, lets get
out and get him."
After a moment that seemed
like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is
stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well,
I don't know how about you but I'm
going to start nibbling
grass."
hunting every
winter without success. Finally, they came up with a
fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating
call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure
the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull. They set
themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume, and
began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the
clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, lets get
out and get him."
After a moment that seemed
like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is
stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well,
I don't know how about you but I'm
going to start nibbling
grass."
Jokes number : 88
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching
something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire
three
shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and
find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he
is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the
first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He
repeats this until he is out
of ammo.
The next morning, the
first redneck finds the second with the help of
forest rangers. He
asks the second redneck man if he did what he told
him to
do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour
on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching
something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire
three
shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and
find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he
is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the
first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He
repeats this until he is out
of ammo.
The next morning, the
first redneck finds the second with the help of
forest rangers. He
asks the second redneck man if he did what he told
him to
do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour
on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Jokes number : 87
Did you hear about the bear hunter?
Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a
large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just
as
he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began
to
speak to him!
"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do
you want? Let's
negotiate the matter," said the
bear.
Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then
replied, "I want a fur coat."
Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a
large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just
as
he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began
to
speak to him!
"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do
you want? Let's
negotiate the matter," said the
bear.
Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then
replied, "I want a fur coat."
Jokes number : 86
What's
the easiest way for a Gorilla
hunter to make money?
Collect unemployment insurance!
the easiest way for a Gorilla
hunter to make money?
Collect unemployment insurance!
Jokes number : 85
The
Wednesday-night church service
coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our
pastor asked who had
bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the
pastor said, "I
don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were
unable to
make service because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation
pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're
all safe."
Wednesday-night church service
coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our
pastor asked who had
bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the
pastor said, "I
don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were
unable to
make service because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation
pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're
all safe."
Jokes number : 84
What's the difference between a hunter and a
fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Jokes number : 81
Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.
Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How
come?
The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.
Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How
come?
The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.
Jokes number : 79
Dick and Bob
were on a hunting trip. At
nightfall, Dick complained, 'We've been
hunting all day. We've
shot at five deer - and not hit one!'
'OK. Let's miss two more and
then head back to camp,' said
Bob.
were on a hunting trip. At
nightfall, Dick complained, 'We've been
hunting all day. We've
shot at five deer - and not hit one!'
'OK. Let's miss two more and
then head back to camp,' said
Bob.
Jokes number : 78
Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large
goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your
time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't
wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to
load!'
goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your
time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't
wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to
load!'
Jokes number : 76
A big-game hunter came across a dinosaur in
the middle of the
jungle and stared at it surprise."You're extinct,"
he said. The
dinosaur was hard of hearing."What was that you said?"
The hunter shouted
at the top of his voice."You are extinct." The
dinosaur looked a
little nonplused. "So would you if you'd been
dead for six milion
years."
the middle of the
jungle and stared at it surprise."You're extinct,"
he said. The
dinosaur was hard of hearing."What was that you said?"
The hunter shouted
at the top of his voice."You are extinct." The
dinosaur looked a
little nonplused. "So would you if you'd been
dead for six milion
years."
Jokes number : 75
A group of
hunters fully equipped with
rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a
young boy armed only
with a slingshot. "What are you hunting for?"
asked an older hunter.
"I don't know. I ain't seen it yet," said the
boy.
hunters fully equipped with
rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a
young boy armed only
with a slingshot. "What are you hunting for?"
asked an older hunter.
"I don't know. I ain't seen it yet," said the
boy.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Jokes number : 74
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a
new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was
sure none of his friends
would ever believe him. He decided to try to
break the news to a friend
of his, the eternal pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything.
This, surely, would impress him.
He invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog. As they waited by
the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they
fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did
not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued
all day long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of
the water
to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything,
but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked
his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I
sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was
sure none of his friends
would ever believe him. He decided to try to
break the news to a friend
of his, the eternal pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything.
This, surely, would impress him.
He invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog. As they waited by
the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they
fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did
not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued
all day long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of
the water
to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything,
but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked
his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I
sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Jokes number : 73
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde
wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything
together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in
the
morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she
was pointing
her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was
telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want
to take my saddle off
of him!
wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything
together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in
the
morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she
was pointing
her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was
telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want
to take my saddle off
of him!
Jokes number : 72
Two Virginia boys, Sonny
and Rick, went
out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the
bushes
and, by mistake, shot his friend.
After trying to remove the
bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.
Two hours later, after the
physician had patched up the wounded hunter,
Sonny asked, "Please, Doc.
How's my friend?"
"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot
better off if you hadn't
taken out his gut!"
and Rick, went
out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the
bushes
and, by mistake, shot his friend.
After trying to remove the
bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.
Two hours later, after the
physician had patched up the wounded hunter,
Sonny asked, "Please, Doc.
How's my friend?"
"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot
better off if you hadn't
taken out his gut!"
Jokes number : 70
The big game hunter was showing his friends
his
hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on
the
floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to
kill such a
magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or
me." "Well,"
said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than
you
would!"
his
hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on
the
floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to
kill such a
magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or
me." "Well,"
said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than
you
would!"
Jokes number : 69
Commissioned by
a zoo to bring them some
baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel
scheme to trap them -
his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a
particularly
vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he
explained to his
assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if
there are
any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the
dogs
will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them
up quite safely and put them in the sack." "But what do I need the
gun for?" asked the assisant. "If I should fall out of the tree by
mistake, shoot the dog."
a zoo to bring them some
baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel
scheme to trap them -
his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a
particularly
vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he
explained to his
assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if
there are
any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the
dogs
will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them
up quite safely and put them in the sack." "But what do I need the
gun for?" asked the assisant. "If I should fall out of the tree by
mistake, shoot the dog."
Jokes number : 68
Two men were out hunting when one of them saw
a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it." "I can't," said
the second. "My gun isn't loaded." "Well," said the first," you
know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."
a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it." "I can't," said
the second. "My gun isn't loaded." "Well," said the first," you
know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."
Jokes number : 67
A small village was troubled by a man-eating
lion.
So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in
wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the
village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over
his shoulders, he went to the pasture
to
wait for the
lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There
was no sign
of
the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is
the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled.
"Which one of you idiots let the
bull
loose?"
lion.
So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in
wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the
village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over
his shoulders, he went to the pasture
to
wait for the
lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There
was no sign
of
the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is
the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled.
"Which one of you idiots let the
bull
loose?"
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Jokes number : 66
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife
and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs awoke to
find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both
trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a swig
of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a
clearing not far from the
camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the
mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing
her. The wife cried, "What are we
going to do?" "Nothing," said the
hunter husband. "The lion got
himself into this mess, let him get
himself out of it."
and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs awoke to
find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both
trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a swig
of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a
clearing not far from the
camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the
mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing
her. The wife cried, "What are we
going to do?" "Nothing," said the
hunter husband. "The lion got
himself into this mess, let him get
himself out of it."
Jokes number : 65
Two
guys were out hunting, but they
weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man
asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't
throwing the dog up
high
enough."
guys were out hunting, but they
weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man
asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't
throwing the dog up
high
enough."
Jokes number : 64
Some men go on a hunting
trip and separate
into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone
toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked,
noticing
that Sam had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back.
He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured
ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
trip and separate
into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone
toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked,
noticing
that Sam had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back.
He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured
ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
Jokes number : 63
Two Canadian hunters were driving through the
country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where
a
sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where
a
sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Jokes number : 62
Mad men are given a test to prove they are
getting
normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to
go
out.
They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the
teacher goes to him
and asks why he didn't join others and he says
"let them fight they
forgot I have the keys"
getting
normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to
go
out.
They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the
teacher goes to him
and asks why he didn't join others and he says
"let them fight they
forgot I have the keys"
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Jokes number : 46
What's the difference between
ignorance and
indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
ignorance and
indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
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