What is an autograph?
A chart which
shows car sales.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Jokes number : 72
On Fred's 17th
birthday, his Dad
said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.
As they got in
the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If
you're going
to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."
birthday, his Dad
said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.
As they got in
the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If
you're going
to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."
Jokes number : 71
A man was in court charged with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Jokes number : 70
What sort of a car has your dad
got?
I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.
Really -
Ours only starts with gas.
got?
I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.
Really -
Ours only starts with gas.
Jokes number : 68
If you watch the way that many motorists
drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous
part
of a car is the nut behind the wheel.
drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous
part
of a car is the nut behind the wheel.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Jokes number : 65
Two wizards in a car
were driving
along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, "What
are we going to do?"
The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a
side street."
were driving
along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, "What
are we going to do?"
The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a
side street."
Jokes number : 60
Auntie Maud bought herself a new
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
"Oh. Maud," said her friend, "you've lost
your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one
in the
trunk."
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
"Oh. Maud," said her friend, "you've lost
your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one
in the
trunk."
Jokes number : 59
What do you get if
you cross a Rolls
Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and
sucks out their gas
tanks.
you cross a Rolls
Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and
sucks out their gas
tanks.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Jokes number : 58
What's the difference between a teacher
and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other
minds the train.
and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other
minds the train.
Jokes number : 57
Why did the stupid racing car driver
make ten pit stops
during the Grand Prix?
He was asking for
directions.
make ten pit stops
during the Grand Prix?
He was asking for
directions.
Jokes number : 55
Did you hear
about the boy who had
to do a project on trains?
He had to keep track of everything!
about the boy who had
to do a project on trains?
He had to keep track of everything!
Jokes number : 54
Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.
home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.
Jokes number : 53
Why do you have to wait so long for a
ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.
ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Jokes number : 50
What did the monster say when he saw a
rush
hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew chew
train!
rush
hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew chew
train!
Jokes number : 48
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the
long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk
asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?"
the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going
back there?"
long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk
asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?"
the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going
back there?"
Jokes number : 47
One day a guy was driving with his
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by
accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you
know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!"
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by
accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you
know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!"
Jokes number : 45
Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked
one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red
and
the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you
should see
how all the witnesses contradict each
other."
"Hey," asked
one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red
and
the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you
should see
how all the witnesses contradict each
other."
Jokes number : 44
A fellow was following a truck in heavy
traffic.
Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the
driver of the truck would jump
out
of the cab with a big stick and
bang on the side of the cargo bay.
He'd
then jump back into
the cab in time to drive away when the signal
changed.
The first
fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand
it
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick,
the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to
bother
you," he
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very
curious; could you
tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking
rhythm, the truck driver
replied,
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this
here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight
tons of
canaries
aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the
time so
I don't break an axle".
traffic.
Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the
driver of the truck would jump
out
of the cab with a big stick and
bang on the side of the cargo bay.
He'd
then jump back into
the cab in time to drive away when the signal
changed.
The first
fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand
it
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick,
the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to
bother
you," he
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very
curious; could you
tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking
rhythm, the truck driver
replied,
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this
here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight
tons of
canaries
aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the
time so
I don't break an axle".
Jokes number : 43
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It
has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the
carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the
carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is.
I'll check it
out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the
carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the
carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is.
I'll check it
out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Friday, November 26, 2010
Jokes number : 42
A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.
"This is my
husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either."
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.
"This is my
husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either."
Jokes number : 41
A young bloke has started work on a
property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these
things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark."
"But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!"
"Never
mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. "What's the
problem, son?"
"Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck."
property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these
things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark."
"But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!"
"Never
mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. "What's the
problem, son?"
"Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck."
Jokes number : 40
A man is driving down the road for a
long period of time.
During
his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he
gladly picks him up he
says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitch
hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.
In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on
Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty
son
of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the
hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,"Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!"
long period of time.
During
his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he
gladly picks him up he
says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitch
hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.
In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on
Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty
son
of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the
hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,"Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!"
Jokes number : 39
A man was driving up a steep and narrow
mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
"Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
"Moron!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
"Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
"Moron!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
Jokes number : 38
A guy driving a truck in the middle of
nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker
falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the
hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go
back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was
that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang,
bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How
terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there
were
3 bangs"
The truck
driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the
bastard. . ."
nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker
falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the
hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go
back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was
that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang,
bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How
terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there
were
3 bangs"
The truck
driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the
bastard. . ."
Jokes number : 37
A state trooper pulled a car over and
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I
was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my
radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you
weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking."
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I
was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my
radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you
weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking."
Jokes number : 36
A driver, obviously
drunk, was
heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him
over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?"
the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians
drunk, was
heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him
over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?"
the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians
Jokes number : 35
a quadruple amputee is waiting at the
bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says
"alright John, how you
getting on today?"
bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says
"alright John, how you
getting on today?"
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Jokes number : 34
A Lutheran
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir,
have you
been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just
water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it
again!"
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir,
have you
been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just
water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it
again!"
Jokes number : 33
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
Jokes number : 32
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"
The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little
tap" could scare
him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault.
Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"
The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little
tap" could scare
him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault.
Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!
Jokes number : 31
Ole
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets."
Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow
today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again, Ole says
"Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
"
Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?"
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets."
Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow
today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again, Ole says
"Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
"
Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?"
Jokes number : 30
One day, two guys were driving
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they
ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.
The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked
at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're
going to get us killed!"
Then the driver responded, "Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this."
So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!"
The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, "I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!"
Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the
hell are
you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"
The
driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they
ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.
The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked
at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're
going to get us killed!"
Then the driver responded, "Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this."
So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!"
The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, "I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!"
Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the
hell are
you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"
The
driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"
Jokes number : 29
A man
walks into an auto parts store
and says "I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo."
The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
"Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me."
walks into an auto parts store
and says "I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo."
The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
"Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me."
Jokes number : 28
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the
railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The
inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd
use the manual lever
over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then,"
Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that
case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if
that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why
would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a
train crash."
railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The
inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd
use the manual lever
over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then,"
Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that
case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if
that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why
would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a
train crash."
Jokes number : 27
Five Englishmen
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is
just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply
angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian
official, "he can'ta come"."He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno".
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is
just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply
angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian
official, "he can'ta come"."He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno".
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Jokes number : 26
After seeing a
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.
The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.
The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!
Jokes number : 25
In a very small alley two trucks
driving in opposite directions meet.
As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.
They angrily look one
at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.
The other one politely asks, "When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?"
driving in opposite directions meet.
As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.
They angrily look one
at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.
The other one politely asks, "When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?"
Jokes number : 24
"When you exit the bus, please
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you."
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you."
Jokes number : 23
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a
stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I
have
a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a
refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, "Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!"
The driver of the Yugo
said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!"
stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I
have
a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a
refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, "Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!"
The driver of the Yugo
said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!"
Jokes number : 22
A driver tucked this note under the
windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
Jokes number : 19
Q: What is the difference
between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic
light?
A: The color.
between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic
light?
A: The color.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Jokes number : 18
Q: What changes would occur in your
lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be
forced to drive unlawfully.
lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be
forced to drive unlawfully.
Jokes number : 17
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of
having an
accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
having an
accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Jokes number : 15
Q: Who has the right of
way when
four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up
truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't
kill people. I do."
way when
four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up
truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't
kill people. I do."
Jokes number : 14
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian
is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.
is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.
Jokes number : 13
A young man comes home and says "Dad,
just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with
his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father
replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your
hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went."
just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with
his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father
replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your
hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went."
Jokes number : 12
A man goes out and buys the best
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the
best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The
dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's
a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
cost so
much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
cool dude
proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look
inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
alright!"
Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!
The
guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo
BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man
on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a
Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks "You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?"
The old
man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!"
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the
best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The
dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's
a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
cost so
much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
cool dude
proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look
inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
alright!"
Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!
The
guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo
BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man
on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a
Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks "You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?"
The old
man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!"
Jokes number : 11
While driving along the back roads of a
small town, two
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read
CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was
12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The
driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a
cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"
small town, two
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read
CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was
12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The
driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a
cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"
Monday, November 22, 2010
Jokes number : 10
It had been snowing for
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may
being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return
to class."
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may
being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return
to class."
Jokes number : 9
An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey!
What a wreck!" The
priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The
Rabbi responds,
"Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
"Well, what
are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest
says, "I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey!
What a wreck!" The
priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The
Rabbi responds,
"Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
"Well, what
are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest
says, "I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Jokes number : 8
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's
Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, "I
stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said
the man. "I was pushing it!"
Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, "I
stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said
the man. "I was pushing it!"
Jokes number : 6
The Americans and the Japanese decided to
engage in a boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach
their peak
performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The
Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and
rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.
After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the
following year, the American team's management structure
was completely
reorganized. The new structure for the American
s was: one quality
assurance manager, two steering managers, one
area steering managers, and a
new performance review manager for the
two people rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
That
year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!
Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rowers for poor
performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
engage in a boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach
their peak
performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The
Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and
rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.
After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the
following year, the American team's management structure
was completely
reorganized. The new structure for the American
s was: one quality
assurance manager, two steering managers, one
area steering managers, and a
new performance review manager for the
two people rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
That
year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!
Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rowers for poor
performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Jokes number : 5
The social
worker asked the bartender
"What's the difference between your job and
mine?"
The bartender
replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6
weeks and I
learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours
to
have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to
school
for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session
after session using technique after technique, and you still may never
hear them!!!
worker asked the bartender
"What's the difference between your job and
mine?"
The bartender
replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6
weeks and I
learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours
to
have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to
school
for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session
after session using technique after technique, and you still may never
hear them!!!
Jokes number : 4
INTERVIEWER to job
applicant: "Do you
think you could come up with any reason you want this
job other than
your parents want you out of their house?"
applicant: "Do you
think you could come up with any reason you want this
job other than
your parents want you out of their house?"
Jokes number : 3
Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the
average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's
because there will be fewer of us doing more work,
right?"
Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."
average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's
because there will be fewer of us doing more work,
right?"
Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Jokes number : 2
Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the
office. Experts say humor
eases tension, which is important in times
when the work force is being
trimmed.
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
office. Experts say humor
eases tension, which is important in times
when the work force is being
trimmed.
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
Jokes number : 1
After being laid off from five
different
jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he
lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying
the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold
ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it
cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job
security!"
different
jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he
lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying
the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold
ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it
cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job
security!"
Jokes number : 100
A businessman who needed millions of dollars
to
clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an
urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100
into the
other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the
church.The
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have
your undivided attention .... "
to
clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an
urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100
into the
other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the
church.The
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have
your undivided attention .... "
Jokes number : 99
'I'm very sad to announce this morning,
girls, that
Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at
morning
assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's
hymn....now
Thank We All Our God.'
girls, that
Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at
morning
assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's
hymn....now
Thank We All Our God.'
Jokes number : 98
An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch
whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and
leave the building.
"Your workers, they're
escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't
worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly
one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to
his guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you
like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much
do you want for
that whistle?"
machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch
whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and
leave the building.
"Your workers, they're
escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't
worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly
one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to
his guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you
like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much
do you want for
that whistle?"
Jokes number : 97
Two government economists were returning
home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were
assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying
the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They
continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the
subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally
one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they
could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one
economist remarked to the other that it was
the first time an
economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were
assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying
the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They
continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the
subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally
one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they
could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one
economist remarked to the other that it was
the first time an
economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
Jokes number : 96
Kowalski, fresh out of
accounting school,
went to a interview for a good paying job. The
company boss asked
various questions about him and his education, but then
asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski
replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he
should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the
job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but was still
very curious.
The next day, Kowalski
went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple
question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the
closest."
accounting school,
went to a interview for a good paying job. The
company boss asked
various questions about him and his education, but then
asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski
replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he
should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the
job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but was still
very curious.
The next day, Kowalski
went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple
question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the
closest."
Jokes number : 95
Mom and Dad are in the iron and
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Jokes number : 94
There was once a high-powered businessman who
insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a
tall
one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand,
and a
very small one for adding footnotes.
insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a
tall
one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand,
and a
very small one for adding footnotes.
Jokes number : 93
On the first day his son joined the family
firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and
said,
'I am going to give you your very first lesson in
business. Stand on
the edge of the roof.'
Reluctantly, the
boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
'Now,' said his
father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump
off the roof.'
'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'
'Do
you want to succeed in business?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'And
you trust me, don't you?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'So do as I
say and jump.'
The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay
there, winded and
bruised. His father went racing down the stairs
and ran up to him.
That was your first lesson in business, son.
Never trust anyone.'
firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and
said,
'I am going to give you your very first lesson in
business. Stand on
the edge of the roof.'
Reluctantly, the
boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
'Now,' said his
father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump
off the roof.'
'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'
'Do
you want to succeed in business?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'And
you trust me, don't you?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'So do as I
say and jump.'
The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay
there, winded and
bruised. His father went racing down the stairs
and ran up to him.
That was your first lesson in business, son.
Never trust anyone.'
Jokes number : 92
What did the ruthless businessman say to
his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
Jokes number : 91
What
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
Jokes number : 90
Monster: Stick 'em down.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.
Jokes number : 89
Did you hear about the businessman who is so
rich he
has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!
rich he
has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Jokes number : 86
"Information?
I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell
that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E
as in eye. W as in why.
A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses.
"Just a minute,
sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . .
."
I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell
that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E
as in eye. W as in why.
A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses.
"Just a minute,
sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . .
."
Jokes number : 85
Two Italian
construction workers were in
the field on an extremely hot day working.. the
one says to the
other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets
all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't
know, go ask
him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we
do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The
supervisor says
"Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The
supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you
can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit
the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand
away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's
intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and
his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face
Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as
you can. . ."
construction workers were in
the field on an extremely hot day working.. the
one says to the
other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets
all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't
know, go ask
him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we
do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The
supervisor says
"Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The
supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you
can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit
the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand
away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's
intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and
his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face
Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as
you can. . ."
Jokes number : 84
A young businessman rented a beautiful office
and
furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in.
Sitting
there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to
look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was
negotiating a big
deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge
commitments. Finally,
he put down the phone and asked the visitor
"Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the
phone."
and
furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in.
Sitting
there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to
look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was
negotiating a big
deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge
commitments. Finally,
he put down the phone and asked the visitor
"Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the
phone."
Jokes number : 83
The boss called one of his employees into the
office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for
a year. You
started off in the post room, one week later you were
promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were
promoted to district manager
of the sales department.
"Just
four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now
it's
time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
"What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I
suppose not," the employee said.
"Thanks, Dad."
office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for
a year. You
started off in the post room, one week later you were
promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were
promoted to district manager
of the sales department.
"Just
four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now
it's
time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
"What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I
suppose not," the employee said.
"Thanks, Dad."
Jokes number : 82
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported
for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "your first job will
be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you
how."
for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "your first job will
be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you
how."
Jokes number : 81
"Young man, do you think you can handle a
variety
of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten
different jobs in four
months."
variety
of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten
different jobs in four
months."
Jokes number : 80
An applicant was filling out a job
application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He
answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The
applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He
answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The
applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
Jokes number : 79
An Arthur Anderson partner comes
back to
his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I
said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"
The manager
goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron
documents to
shreds."
back to
his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I
said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"
The manager
goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron
documents to
shreds."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Jokes number : 78
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make
weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were
'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide
to use a
deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get
caught, he
wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was
doing.
In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than
$40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.
The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is
late and sends some of
his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs
drag the guy to an
interpreter.
The right-hand man says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where da money
is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector signs, "I
don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells
the main man, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking abo
ut."
The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector
signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park just east of the
big fountain."
The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to
the thug, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you
have the guts to pull the trigger."
weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were
'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide
to use a
deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get
caught, he
wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was
doing.
In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than
$40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.
The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is
late and sends some of
his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs
drag the guy to an
interpreter.
The right-hand man says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where da money
is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector signs, "I
don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells
the main man, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking abo
ut."
The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector
signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park just east of the
big fountain."
The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to
the thug, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you
have the guts to pull the trigger."
Jokes number : 77
An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!"
cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't worry,
they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like
to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do
you want for
that whistle?"
machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!"
cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't worry,
they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like
to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do
you want for
that whistle?"
Jokes number : 76
An
investment counselor decided to go out
on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.
"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must
be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an
honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first
case."
"Impressive. And what sort
of case was that?" asked the investment
counselor.
The
lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
investment counselor decided to go out
on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.
"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must
be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an
honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first
case."
"Impressive. And what sort
of case was that?" asked the investment
counselor.
The
lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
Jokes number : 75
Did you hear about the banker who was
recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's
college
education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in
college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the
rest of the money?"
recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's
college
education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in
college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the
rest of the money?"
Jokes number : 74
"The fees for
withdrawing money from your
ATM machines are expected to double, even
triple. You're gonna pay
two to three as much to withdraw your money so
basically the ATM
machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the
ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the
middle man."
- Jay Leno
withdrawing money from your
ATM machines are expected to double, even
triple. You're gonna pay
two to three as much to withdraw your money so
basically the ATM
machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the
ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the
middle man."
- Jay Leno
Jokes number : 73
"I'm not saying that the customer service in
my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the
clerk to
check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the
clerk to
check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
Jokes number : 72
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and
said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of
yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be
tried
as soon as we catch him."
said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of
yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be
tried
as soon as we catch him."
Jokes number : 71
The banker fell overboard from a friend's
sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not
knowing if the
banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float
alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
to
talk business."
sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not
knowing if the
banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float
alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
to
talk business."
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Jokes number : 70
According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a
song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a
raw deal.
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a
song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a
raw deal.
Jokes number : 69
A motorist, driving by a
Texas ranch, hit
and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver
went to
the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then
asked
what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the
rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is
what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and
handed it to the
farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It's postdated six years
from now."
Texas ranch, hit
and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver
went to
the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then
asked
what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the
rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is
what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and
handed it to the
farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It's postdated six years
from now."
Jokes number : 68
Tom was so excited about his promotion to
Vice
President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to
his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!".
"Really?"
he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk
to the Vice President
of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned
or frozen?"
Vice
President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to
his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!".
"Really?"
he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk
to the Vice President
of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned
or frozen?"
Jokes number : 67
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller
have
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Walk."
have
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Walk."
Jokes number : 66
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer
in
a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
in
a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
Jokes number : 64
A young man asked an old rich
man how he
made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
$1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and
left us two million dollars."
man how he
made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
$1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and
left us two million dollars."
Jokes number : 63
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay
telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
when
the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being
returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived
within the hour!
telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
when
the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being
returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived
within the hour!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Jokes number : 62
The world is divided into two groups. There
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
problem.
Those who don't know are also in two
groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can
learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
problem.
Those who don't know are also in two
groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can
learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!
Jokes number : 61
Four corporate presidents, one
English,
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
an
international business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the
terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the America
n.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
English,
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
an
international business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the
terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the America
n.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
Jokes number : 60
Two
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People
started thinking I was the foreman."
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People
started thinking I was the foreman."
Jokes number : 59
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of
humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Friday."
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of
humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Friday."
Jokes number : 58
Tom had this problem of getting up late in
the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you
yesterday?"
the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you
yesterday?"
Jokes number : 57
An American automobile company and a Japanese
auto
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
River. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate
corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
structure.
After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was
changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff
Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing
the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
sigma
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
ought to
do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two
miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
for new
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
senior executives.
auto
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
River. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate
corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
structure.
After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was
changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff
Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing
the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
sigma
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
ought to
do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two
miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
for new
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
senior executives.
Jokes number : 56
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher
announced that
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
here today."
The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
A-C-K, no..."
n
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
and try
again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
"accountant."
announced that
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
here today."
The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
A-C-K, no..."
n
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
and try
again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
"accountant."
Jokes number : 55
The Mafia was looking
for a new man to make weekly
collections from
all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use
a deaf
person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't
be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well,
on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the
money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
r
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it
in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf
man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree
stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The
interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull
the
trigger."
for a new man to make weekly
collections from
all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use
a deaf
person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't
be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well,
on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the
money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
r
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it
in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf
man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree
stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The
interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull
the
trigger."
Monday, November 15, 2010
Jokes number : 54
Before going to Europe on business, a man
drove his
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
for an
immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce",
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. The
loan officer checked the
records and told him, "That will be $5,000
in principal, and $15.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and
started to walk away.
"Wait
sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The
man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
drove his
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
for an
immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce",
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. The
loan officer checked the
records and told him, "That will be $5,000
in principal, and $15.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and
started to walk away.
"Wait
sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The
man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Jokes number : 53
This guy is selling three parrots. Another
guy
who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are
your
parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences
and is able to solve
mathematical expressions."
"How about the
second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve
mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what
is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one
costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he
know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always
call him
'THEIR BOSS.'"
guy
who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are
your
parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences
and is able to solve
mathematical expressions."
"How about the
second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve
mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what
is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one
costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he
know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always
call him
'THEIR BOSS.'"
Jokes number : 52
This is the story of four
people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
important job
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
have
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up
that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
important job
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
have
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up
that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Jokes number : 51
Employer: "In this job we need someone
who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last
job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was
responsible."
who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last
job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was
responsible."
Jokes number : 50
The Ten Commandments Of Employment
If
it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the
repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and
chat.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take
notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.
if it's typed, copy
it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget
it!
If
it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the
repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and
chat.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take
notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.
if it's typed, copy
it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget
it!
Jokes number : 49
Another friend of mine is a very successful
businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes
fifty-five million.
businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes
fifty-five million.
Jokes number : 48
When Bernard got fired from his last job they
were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the
executive
toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company
car, and
even give back his ulcer!
were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the
executive
toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company
car, and
even give back his ulcer!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Jokes number : 46
I'm
always delighted when people stick
their noses in my business - my company
makes paper tissues.
always delighted when people stick
their noses in my business - my company
makes paper tissues.
Jokes number : 45
When I asked my boss for a salary rise
because I
was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase
my pay,
but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire
them.
because I
was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase
my pay,
but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire
them.
Jokes number : 44
A young
ensign had nearly completed his
first overseas tour of sea duty when he
was given an opportunity to
display his ability at getting the ship
under way. With a stream of
crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with
men and soon, the
ship had left port and was streaming out of the
channel.
The
ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz
with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under
way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the
captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the
book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
you have
overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure th
e captain is aboard before
getting under way!"
ensign had nearly completed his
first overseas tour of sea duty when he
was given an opportunity to
display his ability at getting the ship
under way. With a stream of
crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with
men and soon, the
ship had left port and was streaming out of the
channel.
The
ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz
with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under
way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the
captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the
book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
you have
overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure th
e captain is aboard before
getting under way!"
Jokes number : 43
Four men were bragging about how smart their
dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government
Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do
your
stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said
his dog
could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do
your
stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned
with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his
dog could do
better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff!". Measure
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex
actly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed
that was good. The three men turned to the Government
Worker and
said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called
to his dog
and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break
jumped to
his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government
Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do
your
stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said
his dog
could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do
your
stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned
with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his
dog could do
better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff!". Measure
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex
actly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed
that was good. The three men turned to the Government
Worker and
said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called
to his dog
and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break
jumped to
his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Jokes number : 42
A frog goes into
the bank and asks the
teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to
see Mr. Paddywack,
the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do
you have for
collateral?"
The frog pulls out of his pocket
a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant
and says, "I don't know. I'm
going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the
bank manager to approve this."
He goes into Mr. Larson's office
and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with
the elephant and says,
"It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog
a loan!"
the bank and asks the
teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to
see Mr. Paddywack,
the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do
you have for
collateral?"
The frog pulls out of his pocket
a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant
and says, "I don't know. I'm
going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the
bank manager to approve this."
He goes into Mr. Larson's office
and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with
the elephant and says,
"It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog
a loan!"
Jokes number : 41
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other
end. At the last house a woman
looking out her kitchen window watched
the two men as they checked her
gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she
replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two were, I
figured I'd better run too!"
supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other
end. At the last house a woman
looking out her kitchen window watched
the two men as they checked her
gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she
replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two were, I
figured I'd better run too!"
Jokes number : 40
An Irishman goes for a
job on a building
site.
The man says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman
says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman
looks at him and asksy, "Why? How big is the
teapot?"
job on a building
site.
The man says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman
says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman
looks at him and asksy, "Why? How big is the
teapot?"
Jokes number : 39
A
very successful businessman had a
meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the
man. "To show you how much we care
for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you
have to do is go to the factory every day
and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then
you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
very successful businessman had a
meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the
man. "To show you how much we care
for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you
have to do is go to the factory every day
and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then
you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Jokes number : 38
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get
to
his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head
table, he
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false
teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The
man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The
speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have
another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,
"Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I
have one more paid
of false teeth...try them."
The speaker
said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and
gave his
address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over
to thank the
man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you
for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've
been looking
for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm
the local undertaker."
to
his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head
table, he
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false
teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The
man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The
speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have
another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,
"Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I
have one more paid
of false teeth...try them."
The speaker
said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and
gave his
address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over
to thank the
man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you
for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've
been looking
for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm
the local undertaker."
Jokes number : 37
A Japanese guy is at Los
Angeles
International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to
Japan. While
he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to
change his
remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a
minute," he says to the
clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for
my yen. What's going
on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the
clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans,
too!"
Angeles
International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to
Japan. While
he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to
change his
remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a
minute," he says to the
clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for
my yen. What's going
on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the
clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans,
too!"
Jokes number : 36
An
elderly fisherman wrote to a mail
order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline
engines for my boat you show on
page 438, and if it's any good, I'll
send you a check."
In a short time he received the following
reply: "Please send check.
If it's any good, we'll send the
engine."
elderly fisherman wrote to a mail
order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline
engines for my boat you show on
page 438, and if it's any good, I'll
send you a check."
In a short time he received the following
reply: "Please send check.
If it's any good, we'll send the
engine."
Jokes number : 35
Smith goes to
see his supervisor in the
front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
see his supervisor in the
front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
Jokes number : 34
A shopkeeper was dismayed
when a brand
new business much like his own opened up next door and
erected a huge
sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another
competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an
even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST
PRICES.'
The shopkeeper
panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over
his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
when a brand
new business much like his own opened up next door and
erected a huge
sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another
competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an
even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST
PRICES.'
The shopkeeper
panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over
his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
Jokes number : 33
A customer walks into a restaurant and
notices
a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his
waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She
calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
hell
breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills
down on it and says, "You
got me this time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"
notices
a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his
waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She
calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
hell
breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills
down on it and says, "You
got me this time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"
Jokes number : 32
A man walks
into a shoe store, and tries
on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?"
asks the sales
clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant
promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth
sthill feelth a bith tighth."
into a shoe store, and tries
on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?"
asks the sales
clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant
promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth
sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Jokes number : 31
There are three beggars begging on Wall
Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He
received $10.00
after one day.
The next day, the second beggar
wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After
one day, he received hundreds
of thousands of dollars and an offer to
float an IPO on
NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.
Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him
about
strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.
In
addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle
technology and
that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b
industry portal
offering supply chain integration in the beggar
community.
Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He
received $10.00
after one day.
The next day, the second beggar
wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After
one day, he received hundreds
of thousands of dollars and an offer to
float an IPO on
NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.
Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him
about
strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.
In
addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle
technology and
that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b
industry portal
offering supply chain integration in the beggar
community.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Jokes number : 30
A
man went to apply for a job. After
filling out all of his applications,
he waited anxiously for the
outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an
opening
for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?"
"It's called the door!"
man went to apply for a job. After
filling out all of his applications,
he waited anxiously for the
outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an
opening
for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?"
"It's called the door!"
Jokes number : 29
The
Americans and Japanese decided to
engage in a boat race. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach
their peak performance levels. On the big
day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the
loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective
action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing
and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and
eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too
many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American
team. So as race day neared again the
following year, the
American's team management structure was completely
reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area
steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing
the
boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by
TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the
rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for
discovering the problem.
Americans and Japanese decided to
engage in a boat race. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach
their peak performance levels. On the big
day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the
loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective
action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing
and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and
eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too
many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American
team. So as race day neared again the
following year, the
American's team management structure was completely
reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area
steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing
the
boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by
TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the
rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for
discovering the problem.
Jokes number : 28
This guy is walking with his friend. He says
to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies
"How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression!"
to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies
"How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression!"
Jokes number : 27
A man has spent many days
crossing the
desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's
crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all
of
a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what
looks to be an ash tray from an old car.
He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no
ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a
plaid sport
coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket
with a
blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid,"
says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust
a used car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've
got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!
"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds
himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid,
what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich
beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself
surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab
says:
"I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will
want and need
me."
***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a used car salesman offers you
anything at no cost, there's going
to be a string attached s
omewhere!
crossing the
desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's
crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all
of
a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what
looks to be an ash tray from an old car.
He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no
ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a
plaid sport
coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket
with a
blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid,"
says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust
a used car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've
got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!
"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds
himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid,
what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich
beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself
surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab
says:
"I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will
want and need
me."
***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a used car salesman offers you
anything at no cost, there's going
to be a string attached s
omewhere!
Jokes number : 26
A young executive was leaving the office late
one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with
a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my
secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this
thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on,
inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the
machine. "I just need one copy."
one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with
a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my
secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this
thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on,
inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the
machine. "I just need one copy."
Jokes number : 25
Resolving to surprise her husband, an
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
Jokes number : 24
Resolving to surprise her husband, an
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
Jokes number : 23
When the office photo-copies began to look
faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the
manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.
The
tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's
manual
and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he
did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office
manager asks, "Does
your boss know you are discouraging business?"
"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers".
"After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making
much
more money on repairs"
faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the
manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.
The
tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's
manual
and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he
did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office
manager asks, "Does
your boss know you are discouraging business?"
"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers".
"After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making
much
more money on repairs"
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Jokes number : 22
A stockbroker was cold
calling about a
penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will
really move
said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares."
said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client
called the broker and
said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was
at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get
me 10,000 more
shares said the client."
"Great!" said the
broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock
was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few
days, the client ran to
the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my
shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying
that
stock."
calling about a
penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will
really move
said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares."
said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client
called the broker and
said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was
at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get
me 10,000 more
shares said the client."
"Great!" said the
broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock
was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few
days, the client ran to
the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my
shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying
that
stock."
Jokes number : 21
American businessman was at a pier in a
small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow-fin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of
his
fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied
only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he
stay out longer and
catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had
enough to support his family's
immediate needs.
The American
then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of
his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos. I have
a full and busy life,
senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a
Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fis
hing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds
from the
bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch
to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing
and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you
will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this
all take?"
To
which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then,
senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's
the best part! When
the time is right, you would announce an IPO and
sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich,
you
would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied t
he Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would
retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep
late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your
wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine
and play your guitar with your amigos."
small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow-fin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of
his
fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied
only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he
stay out longer and
catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had
enough to support his family's
immediate needs.
The American
then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of
his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos. I have
a full and busy life,
senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a
Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fis
hing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds
from the
bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch
to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing
and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you
will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this
all take?"
To
which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then,
senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's
the best part! When
the time is right, you would announce an IPO and
sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich,
you
would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied t
he Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would
retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep
late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your
wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine
and play your guitar with your amigos."
Jokes number : 20
One day an out
of work mime is visiting
the zoo and attempts
to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as
soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and
drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has
died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall
off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they
can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next
morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that it's a
great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of
people and he draws bigger crowds than he
ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and
he tires of
just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice
that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cag
e next to his. Not wanting to
lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of
his cage, crawls across a partition, and
dangles from the top
to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the
zoo-keeper
comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good
attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion,
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself
and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round
the cage with the lion close behind. Finally,
the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion
is quick
and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat
on his back looking up at
the angry lion and the lion says, "
Shut up you idiot! Do you
want to get us both fired?"
of work mime is visiting
the zoo and attempts
to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as
soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and
drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has
died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall
off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they
can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next
morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that it's a
great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of
people and he draws bigger crowds than he
ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and
he tires of
just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice
that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cag
e next to his. Not wanting to
lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of
his cage, crawls across a partition, and
dangles from the top
to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the
zoo-keeper
comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good
attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion,
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself
and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round
the cage with the lion close behind. Finally,
the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion
is quick
and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat
on his back looking up at
the angry lion and the lion says, "
Shut up you idiot! Do you
want to get us both fired?"
Jokes number : 19
A businessman was confused about a bill he
had received, so
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you
take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but
my earrings."
had received, so
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you
take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but
my earrings."
Jokes number : 18
An organization is like a tree full of
monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see
a tree full of
smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look
up and see nothing but
assholes.
monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see
a tree full of
smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look
up and see nothing but
assholes.
Jokes number : 17
The farmer goes to town one day and happens
to run
into his old pal the tractor salesman.
"How's
business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold
a
tractor
in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the
salesman.
"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I
have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied
her tail
to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked
me with her left
leg
so I tied that to the left side of the
stall. I started milking again
and
she kicked me with her right leg
so I tied that one to the right side
of
the stall. About that
time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I
was just trying to milk that damn cow,
I'll buy a tractor from
you!!"
to run
into his old pal the tractor salesman.
"How's
business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold
a
tractor
in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the
salesman.
"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I
have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied
her tail
to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked
me with her left
leg
so I tied that to the left side of the
stall. I started milking again
and
she kicked me with her right leg
so I tied that one to the right side
of
the stall. About that
time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I
was just trying to milk that damn cow,
I'll buy a tractor from
you!!"
Jokes number : 16
A fellow had just been
hired as the new
CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down
met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered
envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think
you can solve," he said. Well,
things
went along pretty
smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really
catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO
called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the
previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street
--
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was
soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again
experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro
blems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the
company
quickly rebounded. After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the
third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare
three envelopes."
hired as the new
CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down
met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered
envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think
you can solve," he said. Well,
things
went along pretty
smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really
catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO
called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the
previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street
--
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was
soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again
experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro
blems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the
company
quickly rebounded. After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the
third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare
three envelopes."
Jokes number : 15
The new employee
stood before the paper
shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?"
stood before the paper
shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Jokes number : 14
Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the
man said. "But I don't want to
have
to worry about money. Your
job will be to take all the money worries
off
my back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the
accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the
man said. "But I don't want to
have
to worry about money. Your
job will be to take all the money worries
off
my back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the
accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Jokes number : 13
A new business was opening and one of the
owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how
angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really
sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location."
owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how
angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really
sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location."
Jokes number : 11
First Cannibal: "Have you seen the
dentist?"
Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."
dentist?"
Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."
Jokes number : 10
First cannibal: Come and have dinner in
our but tonight.
Second cannibal: What are you having?
First
cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.
our but tonight.
Second cannibal: What are you having?
First
cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.
Jokes number : 9
What happened to the entertainer who did
a show for the cannibals ?
He went down really well !
a show for the cannibals ?
He went down really well !
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Jokes number : 6
Which is the only day you
you are safe in
a cannibal village ?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter
instead)!
you are safe in
a cannibal village ?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter
instead)!
Jokes number : 4
Why did the Scottish cannibal
live on a
sugar plantation?
He said ''So that I can feed my lads with
m'lasses!
live on a
sugar plantation?
He said ''So that I can feed my lads with
m'lasses!
Jokes number : 3
What happened when the cannibal bit off a
missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!
missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Jokes number : 96
What happened when the cannibal crossed the
Atlantic on
the QE2?
He told the waiter to take the menu away and
bring him the passenger
list!
Atlantic on
the QE2?
He told the waiter to take the menu away and
bring him the passenger
list!
Jokes number : 93
What do cannibal say when they say
grace?
''We thank you,Lord, for our daily dead!''
grace?
''We thank you,Lord, for our daily dead!''
Jokes number : 92
What's the definition of a cannibal?
Some
who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
Some
who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Jokes number : 88
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One
said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'
The other one
replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the
greens.'
said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'
The other one
replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the
greens.'
Jokes number : 87
Two cannibals
were having lunch. 'Your
girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to
the other.
'Yes!'
agreed the first. 'But, U'm going to miss her terribly.'
were having lunch. 'Your
girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to
the other.
'Yes!'
agreed the first. 'But, U'm going to miss her terribly.'
Jokes number : 86
First cannibal: Who
was that girl I saw
you with last night ?
Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my
supper !
was that girl I saw
you with last night ?
Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my
supper !
Jokes number : 85
What did the cannibal's parents
say when
she brought her boyfriend home ?
'Lovely, dear, he looks good
enough to eat!'
say when
she brought her boyfriend home ?
'Lovely, dear, he looks good
enough to eat!'
Jokes number : 84
1st
Cannibal: I don't know what to make
of my boyfriend these days.
2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot ?
Cannibal: I don't know what to make
of my boyfriend these days.
2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot ?
Jokes number : 83
When a plane caught fire over the jungle the
pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot. The cannibal turned
to
his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'
pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot. The cannibal turned
to
his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Jokes number : 82
Was the principal's brother really a
missionary?
He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands
their
first taste of Christianity !
missionary?
He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands
their
first taste of Christianity !
Jokes number : 81
Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a
missionary and I feel sick !
Mom: Well, you know what they say - you
can't keep a good man down
!
missionary and I feel sick !
Mom: Well, you know what they say - you
can't keep a good man down
!
Jokes number : 80
A man is captured by cannibals,
every day
they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their
food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill
me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for
drinks!"
every day
they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their
food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill
me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for
drinks!"
Jokes number : 79
A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us
to eat people,
why did he make them out of meat?
to eat people,
why did he make them out of meat?
Jokes number : 78
First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird.
Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another
half
an hour.
Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another
half
an hour.
Jokes number : 77
A
cannibal chief was just about to stew
his latest victim for dinner when
the man protested,
"You can't
eat me ? I'm the manager!"
"Well," said the cannibal, "soon
you'll be a manager in chief."
cannibal chief was just about to stew
his latest victim for dinner when
the man protested,
"You can't
eat me ? I'm the manager!"
"Well," said the cannibal, "soon
you'll be a manager in chief."
Jokes number : 76
Cannibal Boy: I've brought a friend
home
for dinner.
Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we'll have him
tomorrow.
home
for dinner.
Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we'll have him
tomorrow.
Jokes number : 75
Did you hear about the cannibal who went
vegetarian?
He couldn't stop eating swedes.
vegetarian?
He couldn't stop eating swedes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Jokes number : 71
The cannibal king was having
dinner when
a servant came running in.
"Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are
revolting!"
"You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm
trying to eat
them.
"Where did we get these slaves anyway?"
"From
the country next door," replied the servant.
"We must get a new
butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith."
"We can't, Your
Majesty, she's still cooking for you."
"Well, bring her to me once
she's crispy enough," said the
king.
dinner when
a servant came running in.
"Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are
revolting!"
"You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm
trying to eat
them.
"Where did we get these slaves anyway?"
"From
the country next door," replied the servant.
"We must get a new
butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith."
"We can't, Your
Majesty, she's still cooking for you."
"Well, bring her to me once
she's crispy enough," said the
king.
Jokes number : 70
First cannibal: I don't know
what to
make of my husband these days.
Second cannibal: How about a curry?
what to
make of my husband these days.
Second cannibal: How about a curry?
Jokes number : 68
Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her
husband when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold
shoulder.
husband when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold
shoulder.
Jokes number : 67
A cannibal son and
his father are out
looking for food. They are watching people walk down
the street. The
son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father
rejected
saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a
very
skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she's to
skinny.
After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman." sure
son"
the father replied, drooling. "We'll take her home and eat you
mother!"
his father are out
looking for food. They are watching people walk down
the street. The
son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father
rejected
saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a
very
skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she's to
skinny.
After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman." sure
son"
the father replied, drooling. "We'll take her home and eat you
mother!"
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Jokes number : 66
Cannibals capture three men. The men
are
told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will
be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The
first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His
request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for
paper
and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his
family. This
request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they
kill him saving
his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's
turn. He asks for a
fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his
final request, so they
give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork
he begins stabbing himself
all over and shouts, "To hell with your
canoes!"
are
told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will
be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The
first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His
request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for
paper
and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his
family. This
request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they
kill him saving
his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's
turn. He asks for a
fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his
final request, so they
give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork
he begins stabbing himself
all over and shouts, "To hell with your
canoes!"
Jokes number : 65
Did you hear about the
cannibal who
commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.
cannibal who
commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.
Jokes number : 64
Did you hear
about the cannibal who
joined the police force?
He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
about the cannibal who
joined the police force?
He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
Jokes number : 63
First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you
with last night?
Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my
supper.
with last night?
Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my
supper.
Jokes number : 62
Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your
wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the
first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
"Your
wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the
first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
Jokes number : 61
"Well, children," said the cannibal cooking
teacher. "What
did you make of the new English teacher?"
"Burgers, ma'am."
teacher. "What
did you make of the new English teacher?"
"Burgers, ma'am."
Jokes number : 60
The cannibal priest told his flock to close
their eyes and
say grace.
"For whosoever we are about to eat,
may the Lord make us truly
thankful."
their eyes and
say grace.
"For whosoever we are about to eat,
may the Lord make us truly
thankful."
Jokes number : 59
Two cannibals were having their
dinner.
One said to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other one
said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the
vegetables."
dinner.
One said to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other one
said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the
vegetables."
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Jokes number : 58
Did you hear about the cannibal family who
were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right
roasting.
were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right
roasting.
Jokes number : 57
Did you hear
about the cannibals who
captured a scrawny old hunter?
It sure gave them something to chew
over.
about the cannibals who
captured a scrawny old hunter?
It sure gave them something to chew
over.
Jokes number : 56
First cannibal: I can't find anything to
eat!
Second cannibal: But the jungle's full of people.
First
cannibal: Yes, but they're all very unsavory.
eat!
Second cannibal: But the jungle's full of people.
First
cannibal: Yes, but they're all very unsavory.
Jokes number : 53
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar
plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with
m'lasses."
plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with
m'lasses."
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Jokes number : 46
What did the cannibal say when he came home
and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not
snake and pygmy pie again!
and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not
snake and pygmy pie again!
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