My Free Jokes: January 2013

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I

think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt
you could keep your head down that long."

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about
to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
"Wait!
Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show
you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a
special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose
it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What
if
you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the
salesman. "It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can
find
it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed.
"But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?"

"No
problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you
can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once
. "Just one question," he says to the
salesman. "Where did you get
it?"

"Ummm, I found it."

Jokes number : 90

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's

wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my
eyesight's gotten so bad, I
couldn't see where the ball
went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why
don't
you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and
doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"Yes, but
he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for
you,"
Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Did you see where it
went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott
answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.

"I forgot."

Jokes number : 89

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks
around
frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants.
"I can't find any green
golf balls," the blonde golfer
complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
and
finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough,
there are
no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks
out the door in disgust, the pro asks her,
"Before you go, could you
tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because
they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!"

Jokes number : 88

Joe decides to take
his boss Phil to play 9
holes on their lunch. While both men are playing
excellent they are
often held up by two women in front of them moving
at a very slow
pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can
speed it
up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs

back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my
wife
and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook
his head
at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his
round of
golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game,
he too stopped
short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's
wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and
you're fired"

Jokes number : 87

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting
one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15

minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that
group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?

George:
Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let

them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for
them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Jokes number : 86

A golfer, playing a round
by himself, is
about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up
to him, and
yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really
amazing to
show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose

it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it?
What if
you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the
salesman. "It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can

find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer,
impressed. "But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,

you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at
once. "Just one question," he says to the
salesman. "Where did you
get it?"

"I found it."

Jokes number : 85

A young man who was also an avid golfer found

himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried
and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head
home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway
and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball
- and directly between his
ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit
the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over
that tree."

With that chal
lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old
man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that
pine tree was only three feet tall."

Jokes number : 84

After a particularly poor game of
golf, a
popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As
he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped

him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty

minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you
happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the
course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto
the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went

out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire

truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.
So,
what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought
it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb."

Jokes number : 83

A couple of old guys were golfing
when one
said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in
the
morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years
before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good
job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole
hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going
200 mph when
it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the
first time in two
years my teeth didn't hurt."

Jokes number : 82

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the
instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means
to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain
attempt to do the same thing."

Jokes number : 81

A man is stranded on a desert
island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He
thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer
and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and
he
thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this

gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to

the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man! Is
that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has
it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"

He replies,
"Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of

her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since

you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't
tell me that you've got golf clubs
in there!"

Jokes number : 80

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf

later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife

asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a
heart attack
and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's
awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the
ball,
drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Jokes number : 79

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to
discuss
a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your
holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to
determine
whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to
a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held
a golf club in his
life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,
"we'll call America and talk to
Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a
Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...
We can't lose!" Everyone
agreed it was a good idea. The call was made
and, of course, Jack was
honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus
reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of his success in the
match. "I came in second, your Holiness,"
said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to
Shimon
Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Jokes number : 78

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car,
who's
driving?
A: The police.

Jokes number : 77

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first
week at spring
training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Jokes number : 76

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to
take a
year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't
say
two!

Jokes number : 75

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson

after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Jokes number : 74

Big Ron
was caught speeding on his way to
the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when
questioned.

Jokes number : 73

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a
lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

Jokes number : 72

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when

there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to

them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough
to
win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's

alive!"

Jokes number : 71

Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable to attend the
game, his father immediately wanted to know
what happened. "So, how
did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said.
"I was responsible for the
winning run!"

"Really? How'd you
do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Friday, January 25, 2013

Jokes number : 70

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football

game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I
liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each
other
for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he
asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

Jokes number : 69

St. Peter and Satan
were having an argument
one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game
to be played on
neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly
host and his own
hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I
hope, that we've got all the good players and
the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed. "We've
got all the umpires."

Jokes number : 68

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy
seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard
line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his
way down to the
empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he
asked the man sitting next to it, "Is
this seat taken?" The man
replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big
Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so
sorry to hear of your
loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket
to a friend or a
relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Jokes number : 67

Two
college basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in
the big game the following week. The exam was
fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a
________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But
he knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he
passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the

shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last
question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't

noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows
Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I
remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should
er again, he whispered, "Tiny,
how do you spell farm?"

"You
are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled

E-I-E-I-O."

Jokes number : 66

It was a
particularly tough football game,
and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the victim of three
or four close calls, and they were now
trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal. When the official
called yet another
close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback
blew his
top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he
screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that
last first
down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first
quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback
seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get
him tossed from the
game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is
that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked
up
the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned
to face
the steaming quarterback.

The official finally
replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Jokes number : 65

A true story, according to the LA
Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is

your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"

Wilkins replied,
"I don't know and I don't care!"

Jokes number : 64

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people
that he
played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type
of player," he told his friends. "I had
all sorts of tricks to
confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Jokes number : 63

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Jokes number : 62

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Jokes number : 61

Why did the footballer hold his
boot to his
ear?
Because he liked sole music!

Jokes number : 60

Why are football players never asked for
dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Jokes number : 59

Who won the race between two balls of
string?
They we're tied!

Jokes number : 58

What stories are told by basketball

players?
Tall stories!

Jokes number : 57

Why do grasshoppers not go to
many football
matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

Jokes number : 56

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a
crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Jokes number : 55

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston
Vanilla!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Jokes number : 54

What does a footballer and a magician have in
common?
Both do hat tricks!

Jokes number : 53

What does Paul Inces mum make for
Christmas?
Ince pies!

Jokes number : 52

What is a runner's
favourite subject in
school?
Jog-raphy!

Jokes number : 51

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good

student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

Jokes number : 50

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping
ion!

Jokes number : 49

What's tennis players favourite

city?
Volley wood!

Jokes number : 48

How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the
garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Jokes number : 47

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans
on post!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jokes number : 46

Why is it that birds are quickly sold
when
they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

Jokes number : 45

Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What
for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Jokes number : 44

When fish play football, who is the
captain?
The team's kipper!

Jokes number : 43

Where do spiders play their FA Cup

final?
Webley stadium!

Jokes number : 42

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer
space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Jokes number : 41

If you have a referee in football, what do you
have
in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Jokes number : 40

What lights up a football stadium?
A football
match!

Jokes number : 39

How do hens encourage their football
teams?
They egg them on!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Jokes number : 38

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch?
He was the skipper!

Jokes number : 37

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil
nuts!

Jokes number : 36

What is black and white and black and white and
black
and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

Jokes number : 35

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive
scored!

Jokes number : 34

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The
fumble bee!

Jokes number : 33

Did you hear about the football team who ate

too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Jokes number : 32

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the

Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

Jokes number : 31

What should a football team do if the pitch is

flooded?
Bring on their subs!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Jokes number : 30

What part of a football ground is never the

same?
The changing rooms!

Jokes number : 29

What is the bank manager's favourite
type
of football?
Fiver side!

Jokes number : 28

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the
bar was rattled!

Jokes number : 27

What
do you get if you drop a piano on a
team's defence?
A flat back four!

Jokes number : 26

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can
sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

Jokes number : 25

What did the footballer say when he accidentally

burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Jokes number : 24

Manager: Twenty
teams in the league and you
lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Jokes number : 23

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to
start
with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young
player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Jokes number : 22

Which England player keeps up the fuel
supply?
Paul gas coin!

Jokes number : 21

What did they call Dracula when he won the
league?
The champire!

Jokes number : 20

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It
was a boxer!

Jokes number : 19

How did the footbal pitch end up as
triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Jokes number : 18

What's the chilliest ground in the
premiership?
Cold Trafford!

Jokes number : 17

What part of a football pitch
smells
nicest?
The scenter spot!

Jokes number : 16

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in
three days!

Jokes number : 15

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the
gutter!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Jokes number : 14

Why
do managers bring suitcases along to
away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Jokes number : 13

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million.

I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager:
Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Jokes number : 12

Why should you be
careful playing against a
team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Jokes number : 11

Why was the struggling mange
seen shaking
the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Jokes number : 10

A manager was being interviewed after he had

resigned from a football club?

"Were the crowd not behind you"
asked the reporter

"They were right behind me all right", said
the manager, "But I
managed to shake them off at the station!"

Jokes number : 9

Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course
and
watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass,

mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the
sand
bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit
a perfect
hole in one, then the first alien said to the second,
"Uh-oh cover your
ears he's going to be really mad now"!

Jokes number : 8

What do you call a sick extraterrestrial?
An
ailin' alien.

Jokes number : 7

What do you call an alien surfing the
Internet?
e-t.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Jokes number : 6

What do astronauts
wear to bed?
Space
Jammies!

Jokes number : 5

What do astronauts put on their toast? Space
Jam.

Jokes number : 4

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter,
"How do
you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied,
"if you were stuck
here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by
the lowest
bidder?"

Jokes number : 3

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what

do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

Jokes number : 2

I want to be an astronaut when I grow
up.
What high hopes you have !

Jokes number : 1

What do you call a
loony spaceman ?
An
astronut !

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Jokes number : 4

Why can't
you trust snakes ?
They speak
with forked tongues !

Jokes number : 3

Have you heard about the slippery eel ?

Didn't think so, you wouldn't be able to grasp it !sna

Friday, January 4, 2013

Jokes number : 2

What do you call a snake that is trying to

become a bird ?
A feather boa !sna

Jokes number : 1

What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a

serpent ?
A snake in the brass !

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Jokes number : 83

Mother: "Why are you home from school so
early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?

Son: "Who threw the
eraser at the principal?"

Jokes number : 82

Pupil: The
art teacher doesn't like what
I'm making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?
Pupil:
Mistakes !

Jokes number : 81

Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing

has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can see how bad
your spelling is though !

Jokes number : 80

Teacher: Name two pronouns ?
Pupil: Who ?,
me ?

Jokes number : 79

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
ears, do
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that
things go in one ear and out the other
so I am trying to keep them
it all in!

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