Did you hear about the classical pianist who was
not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a
sign
on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Friday, August 31, 2012
Jokes number : 93
1st
man: "My neighbors were screaming and
yelling at three o'clock this
morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake
you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
man: "My neighbors were screaming and
yelling at three o'clock this
morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake
you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
Jokes number : 92
A down and out musician was playing his
harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman
asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one,"
confessed
the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany
me."
"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"
harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman
asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one,"
confessed
the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany
me."
"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"
Jokes number : 91
One day the bass player hid one of the
drummer's sticks.
The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for
so long,
now I am a conductor!"
drummer's sticks.
The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for
so long,
now I am a conductor!"
Jokes number : 88
Do you think, Professor, that my
wife should
take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she should put down the
lid as a favor.
wife should
take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she should put down the
lid as a favor.
Jokes number : 87
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three
piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
three
piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Jokes number : 85
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed
wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd already done
the sharps and flats.
wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd already done
the sharps and flats.
Jokes number : 82
Why did the music student have a piano in the
bathroom?
Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
bathroom?
Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Jokes number : 75
Q: How many drummers does it take
to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Jokes number : 74
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your
door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Jokes number : 73
Q: Why do drummers always
have trouble
entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
have trouble
entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
Jokes number : 72
Q: What's the inscription on
dead
blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
dead
blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Jokes number : 71
Q: What will you never say about a
banjo
player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
banjo
player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Jokes number : 70
Q: What's the difference between a violist and
a
dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
a
dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Jokes number : 67
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A:
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
A:
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Jokes number : 65
Q: What
is the difference between a cello
and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
is the difference between a cello
and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Jokes number : 64
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through
about 5 bulbs before
they find one that suits this particular room
and situation.
a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through
about 5 bulbs before
they find one that suits this particular room
and situation.
Jokes number : 63
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his
left hand.
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his
left hand.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Jokes number : 62
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his
keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass
player out.
keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass
player out.
Jokes number : 61
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the
lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the
lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.
Jokes number : 60
Q:
How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him
first.
How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him
first.
Jokes number : 59
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which
one.
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which
one.
Jokes number : 58
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Jokes number : 56
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's
best
friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated
instrument on
earth.
best
friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated
instrument on
earth.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Jokes number : 54
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Jokes number : 53
Q: What is the difference between
a banjo
and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the
other is a bird.
a banjo
and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the
other is a bird.
Jokes number : 52
Q: What is the difference between a banjo
and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Jokes number : 49
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it
overboard.
anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it
overboard.
Jokes number : 48
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and
a Rolling
Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of
my cloud!", while a
Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my
ewe!"
a Rolling
Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of
my cloud!", while a
Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my
ewe!"
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Jokes number : 46
Q. What's the difference between a
dead
bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The
country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
dead
bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The
country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
Jokes number : 44
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their
dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Jokes number : 43
Q. If you were lost in
the woods, who would
you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe
player, an out of tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
the woods, who would
you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe
player, an out of tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Jokes number : 42
Q. What's the difference
between a
lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's
neighbors are upset if
you borrow the lawnmower and don't return
it.
between a
lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's
neighbors are upset if
you borrow the lawnmower and don't return
it.
Jokes number : 40
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a
javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get
people's attention.
javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get
people's attention.
Jokes number : 39
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect
pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the
ducks.
pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the
ducks.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Jokes number : 38
Q: What's the only thing worse than a
bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Jokes number : 36
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have
a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace
themselves in parades.
a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace
themselves in parades.
Jokes number : 35
Q: What's the difference between a
chainsaw
and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
chainsaw
and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Jokes number : 32
Q: What's the
definition of perfect
pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching
the
sides.
definition of perfect
pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching
the
sides.
Jokes number : 31
Q: What's the difference
between an onion
and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
between an onion
and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Jokes number : 28
A tourist is sightseeing in
a European city.
She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins
reading the
commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching
noise, as
if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a
passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local
person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's
decomposing."
a European city.
She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins
reading the
commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching
noise, as
if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a
passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local
person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's
decomposing."
Jokes number : 27
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a
recital
in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost
and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are
we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
recital
in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost
and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are
we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
Jokes number : 25
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is
reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Jokes number : 22
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to
change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to
sing about how good the
old one was.
change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to
sing about how good the
old one was.
Jokes number : 21
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and
17 to be on
the guest list.
light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and
17 to be on
the guest list.
Jokes number : 20
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it
take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to
complain that it's
electrified.
take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to
complain that it's
electrified.
Jokes number : 19
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse,
but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach
in the saddle again.
but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach
in the saddle again.
Jokes number : 18
Q: How can you tell someone
is a true music
lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom
keyhole.
is a true music
lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom
keyhole.
Jokes number : 17
Q: What happens if you sing country music
backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Jokes number : 15
A musician calls the orchestra office,
asks
for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician
calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from
receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you
say it."
asks
for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician
calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from
receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you
say it."
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Jokes number : 13
Q: What do
you do with percussionists that
lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and
tell them to wave their
arms!
you do with percussionists that
lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and
tell them to wave their
arms!
Jokes number : 12
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet
String
Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
String
Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Jokes number : 11
When a young hotshot conductor was making his
debut at
the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how
well he knew the
music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during
rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to
the other,
impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his
stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how
flat his high E was at the end?"
debut at
the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how
well he knew the
music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during
rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to
the other,
impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his
stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how
flat his high E was at the end?"
Jokes number : 10
Q: Mom,
why do you always stand by the
window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I don't want the
neighbours to think I'm employing corporal
punishment, dear.
why do you always stand by the
window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I don't want the
neighbours to think I'm employing corporal
punishment, dear.
Jokes number : 9
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right
while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult
to hit a moving target.
while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult
to hit a moving target.
Jokes number : 8
Person 1: It must be terrible for an
opera singer to
realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more
terrible if he doesn't realize
it.
opera singer to
realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more
terrible if he doesn't realize
it.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Jokes number : 6
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian
soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Jokes number : 4
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at
the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to
come in.
the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to
come in.
Jokes number : 3
"Haven't I
seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your
Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
violin lessons
last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your
Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
violin lessons
last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Jokes number : 2
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies
first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is
like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to
make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe
this worked! So what is it like in
Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well,
it's great, but I've got good news, and I've
got bad news. The
good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up
here, and in
fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,
tomorrow
night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies,
"Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is
like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to
make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe
this worked! So what is it like in
Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well,
it's great, but I've got good news, and I've
got bad news. The
good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up
here, and in
fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,
tomorrow
night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies,
"Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Jokes number : 1
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed
an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a
concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I
write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following
helpful hint,
"Write your repertoire."
an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a
concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I
write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following
helpful hint,
"Write your repertoire."
Jokes number : 100
Q: Why shouldn't violists take
up
mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone
notices that
they're missing.
up
mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone
notices that
they're missing.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Jokes number : 98
Q: What is the difference
between a violist
and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
between a violist
and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Jokes number : 96
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit
have in
common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
have in
common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Jokes number : 93
Q: How do you make a violin sound
like a
viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
like a
viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Jokes number : 90
A violist comes
home late at night to
discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking
crater where his house
used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him,
"While you were
out, the conductor came to your house, killed your
family, and burned
the house down."
The violist replied,
"You're kidding! The conductor came to my
house?"
home late at night to
discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking
crater where his house
used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him,
"While you were
out, the conductor came to your house, killed your
family, and burned
the house down."
The violist replied,
"You're kidding! The conductor came to my
house?"
Jokes number : 89
A violist and a cellist were standing on a
sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't
swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't
swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
Jokes number : 88
Q: How do you get a viola section to play
spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Jokes number : 87
Q: When a 16-inch
viola and a 17-inch viola
are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story
building, which one hits
the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
viola and a 17-inch viola
are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story
building, which one hits
the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Jokes number : 86
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions
only
twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
only
twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Jokes number : 84
Q: How is lightning like a violist's
fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Jokes number : 82
Q: Why can't you hear a
viola on a digital
recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced
level of
development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
viola on a digital
recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced
level of
development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Jokes number : 81
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a
viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Jokes number : 80
Q: What do you call the
folks who hang
around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
folks who hang
around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Jokes number : 79
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an
optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just
that the
viola player's heads are so small.
A: It is an
optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just
that the
viola player's heads are so small.
Jokes number : 77
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.
Jokes number : 76
Q: What
is the difference between the first
and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
is the difference between the first
and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Jokes number : 75
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a
trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the
trampoline.
trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the
trampoline.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Jokes number : 69
Q: What's the difference between trumpet
players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature
and earn money.
players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature
and earn money.
Jokes number : 68
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet
soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Jokes number : 66
Q: How many lead trumpet
players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to
stand around and say, "I
could do that better.
players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to
stand around and say, "I
could do that better.
Jokes number : 65
Q: There is a frog driving
east and a
trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's
probably on its way to a gig.
east and a
trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's
probably on its way to a gig.
Jokes number : 64
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and
a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Jokes number : 63
Q: How do
you make a trombone sound like a
french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong
notes.
you make a trombone sound like a
french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong
notes.
Jokes number : 62
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
A:
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Jokes number : 61
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you
trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor
sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other
two.
trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor
sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other
two.
Jokes number : 60
Q: How many alto sax
players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to
contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to
contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
Jokes number : 59
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's
neighbors don't mind if
you don't return the sax when you borrow
it.
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's
neighbors don't mind if
you don't return the sax when you borrow
it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Jokes number : 58
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies
toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !
toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !
Jokes number : 51
Q:
How many movie directors does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it
thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last
lightbulb was much better.
How many movie directors does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it
thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last
lightbulb was much better.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Jokes number : 50
Producer: Would you call your leading
lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio
than on TV.
lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio
than on TV.
Jokes number : 49
Fred: I met a really
conceited actor
the other day.
Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?
Fred: Well,
every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he
went to the
window and took a bow.
conceited actor
the other day.
Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?
Fred: Well,
every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he
went to the
window and took a bow.
Jokes number : 46
A bit-part actor finally got his first
leading role
in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off
a high diving
board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of
the board, looked
down and promptly climbed down
again.
`What's the matter?' asked the director.
`I can't jump from that
board!' said the actor. `Do you know there's
only one foot of
water in that pool?'
'Yes,' said the director. `We don't want
you to drown, you
know.'
leading role
in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off
a high diving
board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of
the board, looked
down and promptly climbed down
again.
`What's the matter?' asked the director.
`I can't jump from that
board!' said the actor. `Do you know there's
only one foot of
water in that pool?'
'Yes,' said the director. `We don't want
you to drown, you
know.'
Jokes number : 45
Neighbour:
Haven't I seen you on TV?
Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?
Neighbour: Off.
Haven't I seen you on TV?
Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?
Neighbour: Off.
Jokes number : 44
What's the definition of a good actor?
Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
Jokes number : 43
An actor went to see a new agent one day
and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is
innovative.'
So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few
times and
landed smoothly on the agent's desk.
`So you do
bird impressions,' said the agent, `what else can you
do?'
and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is
innovative.'
So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few
times and
landed smoothly on the agent's desk.
`So you do
bird impressions,' said the agent, `what else can you
do?'
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Jokes number : 42
Fred: I'd love to be an
actress.
Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?
Fred: Then you'd be
in a cast for weeks.
actress.
Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?
Fred: Then you'd be
in a cast for weeks.
Jokes number : 41
Why was the
actor pleased to be on
the gallows?
Because at last he was in the noose.
actor pleased to be on
the gallows?
Because at last he was in the noose.
Jokes number : 40
Denied membership in an exclusive country
club because he was an
actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is
reported to have said "Hell,
I'm no actor, and I've got thirty
movies to prove it!"
club because he was an
actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is
reported to have said "Hell,
I'm no actor, and I've got thirty
movies to prove it!"
Jokes number : 39
One
agent stops by another agent's
table to tell him the big news: "Elvis
just died!"
The
second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career
move."
agent stops by another agent's
table to tell him the big news: "Elvis
just died!"
The
second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career
move."
Jokes number : 38
The producer of a low budget film is
trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work
by
telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.
"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."
The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"
"Well, no,"
the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a
distant cousin
who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And
besides,
we've also got Redford."
"You got Robert Redford?" the director
asks.
"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of
acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he
says
enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing
role."
"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.
"No, Elizabeth
Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a
great voice. AND
we've got Goulet."
"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.
"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert
Goulet."
trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work
by
telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.
"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."
The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"
"Well, no,"
the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a
distant cousin
who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And
besides,
we've also got Redford."
"You got Robert Redford?" the director
asks.
"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of
acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he
says
enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing
role."
"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.
"No, Elizabeth
Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a
great voice. AND
we've got Goulet."
"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.
"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert
Goulet."
Jokes number : 37
After a venerable career of endless,
stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime
and
preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he
unexpectedly dies
and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the
director. "But
God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to
direct a movie
for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God
wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And
we've arranged to have the best of
everything made available to you.
For example, the script is by William
Shakespeare."
The
director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William
Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production
Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo
Da Vinci d
oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier
and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."
The
Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This
will be the greatest movie ever?"
St. Peter kind of shuffles his
feet. "Well," he says, "we do have
one tiny little problem."
"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"
St.
Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he
whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."
stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime
and
preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he
unexpectedly dies
and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the
director. "But
God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to
direct a movie
for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God
wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And
we've arranged to have the best of
everything made available to you.
For example, the script is by William
Shakespeare."
The
director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William
Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production
Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo
Da Vinci d
oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier
and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."
The
Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This
will be the greatest movie ever?"
St. Peter kind of shuffles his
feet. "Well," he says, "we do have
one tiny little problem."
"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"
St.
Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he
whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."
Jokes number : 36
After a difficult day a struggling actor
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police
and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police
and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
Jokes number : 35
After a difficult day a struggling actor
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police and
fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police and
fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Jokes number : 34
Q: How many screenwriters
to make
"Titanic" a good movie?
A: One more than they had.
to make
"Titanic" a good movie?
A: One more than they had.
Jokes number : 33
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress
working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the
writer.
working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the
writer.
Jokes number : 32
Q: What did the Production Manager give
his kids for
Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make
it up to them on the next
one.
his kids for
Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make
it up to them on the next
one.
Jokes number : 31
Q: How many
absurdist/surrealist
comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.
absurdist/surrealist
comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.
Jokes number : 30
Q: How many fire safety
guys dose it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour
minimum.
guys dose it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour
minimum.
Jokes number : 29
Q: How many UPM's does it take
to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior
we wouldn't be screwing
around with all these damn light
bulbs!"
to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior
we wouldn't be screwing
around with all these damn light
bulbs!"
Jokes number : 28
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
Jokes number : 27
Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't
you see I'm busy!
screw in a light bulb?
A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't
you see I'm busy!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Jokes number : 25
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
Jokes number : 24
Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while
the other screws it into the
faucet.
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while
the other screws it into the
faucet.
Jokes number : 23
Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk
about the concept behind this whole "light
bulb" thing.
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk
about the concept behind this whole "light
bulb" thing.
Jokes number : 22
Q: How many
Studio Executives does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last
longer than studio executives.
Studio Executives does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last
longer than studio executives.
Jokes number : 21
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about
anything.
in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about
anything.
Jokes number : 20
Q: How many Executive Producers does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't
screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't
screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Jokes number : 17
Q: How many PA's does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to
wish they'd been
asked.
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to
wish they'd been
asked.
Jokes number : 16
Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on
that!"
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on
that!"
Jokes number : 15
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to
tell you how they did it on the last
job.
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to
tell you how they did it on the last
job.
Jokes number : 14
Q:
How many Stuntmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell
him how bitchin' he
looked doing it.
How many Stuntmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell
him how bitchin' he
looked doing it.
Jokes number : 13
Q: How many editors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to
change everything.
change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to
change everything.
Jokes number : 12
Q: How many
art directors does it
take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
I've got this neat candle
holder...
art directors does it
take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
I've got this neat candle
holder...
Jokes number : 11
Q: How many DP's
does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on
the truck?
does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on
the truck?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Jokes number : 10
Q: How many DP's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do
it.
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do
it.
Jokes number : 9
Q: How many Director's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Jokes number : 8
Q: How many Director's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in
there with the cute,
blonde?
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in
there with the cute,
blonde?
Jokes number : 5
What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet
of
washing up powder ?
Bubble and squeak !
of
washing up powder ?
Bubble and squeak !
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Jokes number : 70
Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!
Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
Jokes number : 69
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps
on
Batman and Robin ?
Flatman and Ribbon !
on
Batman and Robin ?
Flatman and Ribbon !
Jokes number : 67
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his
goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it
is great at chasing submarines.
goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it
is great at chasing submarines.
Jokes number : 66
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to
the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
Jokes number : 64
What was the inscription on the tomb of
Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE
REST IN PIECES.
Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE
REST IN PIECES.
Jokes number : 63
What kind of book did
Frankenstein's
monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
Frankenstein's
monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Jokes number : 62
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up
boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
Jokes number : 61
What's the difference
between
Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can't mash Frankenstein.
between
Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can't mash Frankenstein.
Jokes number : 60
Why did the monster drink ten liters of
antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
Jokes number : 59
Why did the monster take a dead man for a
drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
Jokes number : 58
Did you hear about the monster with
one
eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly
moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with
himself.
one
eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly
moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with
himself.
Jokes number : 57
A monster walked into the council rent office
with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.
You see, he was $15 in arrears.
with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.
You see, he was $15 in arrears.
Jokes number : 56
Did you hear
about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a
handbag.mons
about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a
handbag.mons
Jokes number : 55
Did you hear about the monster who
sent
his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they
weren't that lonely!
sent
his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they
weren't that lonely!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Jokes number : 54
What happened when the monster stole a
bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
Jokes number : 53
How did the world's tallest monster become
short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
Jokes number : 50
Why was the big, hairy,
two-headed monster
top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than
one.
two-headed monster
top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than
one.
Jokes number : 49
Why did the
monster paint himself in
rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
monster paint himself in
rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
Jokes number : 48
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the
menu,
sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
menu,
sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
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