Men are like
mascara.
They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Jokes number : 72
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is
a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my
eye."
a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my
eye."
Jokes number : 69
Four
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:
First
Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday."
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:
First
Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday."
Jokes number : 68
A
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My
darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My
darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Jokes number : 67
A guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?'
he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?'
he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Jokes number : 66
A guy named Joe finds
himself in dire
trouble. His business
started going bust and he found himself in serious
financial
trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray
for
help.
"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if
I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well,
please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night arrived and somebody else
won the prize.
Joe again looked up and prayed...
"Oh Lord,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well".
Again, Lotto night came and
went and Joe still had no luck.
Once again, he prayed...
"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just
let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back
in order ... "
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as
the heavens
opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the
Lord
himself:
"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A
Ticket!"
himself in dire
trouble. His business
started going bust and he found himself in serious
financial
trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray
for
help.
"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if
I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well,
please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night arrived and somebody else
won the prize.
Joe again looked up and prayed...
"Oh Lord,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as well".
Again, Lotto night came and
went and Joe still had no luck.
Once again, he prayed...
"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just
let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back
in order ... "
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as
the heavens
opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the
Lord
himself:
"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A
Ticket!"
Jokes number : 65
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular
diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband
asks.
"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we
won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week
later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and
played the lotto and we won again, so I
bought it with my share of
the winnings.
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving
in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband
asks. Again she repeats the
same story about the lotto and her share
of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to pour her a
nice warm bath while she
gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom,
she find that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the
plug at the far end.
"And this?" she asks her husband. "
Well," he replies, "we don't
want to get your lotto ticket wet,
do we?!"
diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband
asks.
"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we
won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week
later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and
played the lotto and we won again, so I
bought it with my share of
the winnings.
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving
in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband
asks. Again she repeats the
same story about the lotto and her share
of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to pour her a
nice warm bath while she
gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom,
she find that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the
plug at the far end.
"And this?" she asks her husband. "
Well," he replies, "we don't
want to get your lotto ticket wet,
do we?!"
Jokes number : 63
Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick
insect?
Without it would be a sick insect.
insect?
Without it would be a sick insect.
Jokes number : 61
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma
like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,
Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,
Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
Jokes number : 60
Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning,
and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
"What's the
matter?" asked her companion.
"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my
favorite nephew. He's got three
feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her
friend.
"Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie,
"his mother's just written to tell me he's
grown another foot !"
and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
"What's the
matter?" asked her companion.
"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my
favorite nephew. He's got three
feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her
friend.
"Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie,
"his mother's just written to tell me he's
grown another foot !"
Jokes number : 59
The bartender asks him
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To
which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To
which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Friday, February 26, 2010
Jokes number : 58
If two lawyers were drowning,
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
Jokes number : 57
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
morning."
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
morning."
Jokes number : 56
A defendant was
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the
person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
that
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw
all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the
person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
that
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw
all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"
Jokes number : 55
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Jokes number : 50
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Aardvark
!
Aardvark who ?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles
!
Who's there !
Aardvark
!
Aardvark who ?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles
!
Jokes number : 49
What do you get if you cross King Kong with
a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building
and catches
aeroplanes with its tongue.
a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building
and catches
aeroplanes with its tongue.
Jokes number : 47
What do you do if King Kong sits in
front
of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!
front
of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!
Jokes number : 45
After being away on business, Tim thought it
would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about
some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a
bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she
returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.
"That's still quite a
bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a
tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see
something really
cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about
some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a
bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she
returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.
"That's still quite a
bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a
tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see
something really
cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Jokes number : 44
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you
understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."
understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."
Jokes number : 43
A red-faced judge convened court
after a long
lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving who
claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your
honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
after a long
lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving who
claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your
honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Jokes number : 42
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced
the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a
bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You,
attorney Leon, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
$10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and
we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."
the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a
bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You,
attorney Leon, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
$10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and
we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."
Jokes number : 41
The defendant
stood up in the dock and said
to the judge, "I dont recognize this
court!"
"Why?" asked the
Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was
here."
stood up in the dock and said
to the judge, "I dont recognize this
court!"
"Why?" asked the
Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was
here."
Jokes number : 40
The cross eyed judge looked at the three
defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you
plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you"
the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant
replied.
defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you
plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you"
the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant
replied.
Jokes number : 39
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia
came upon a wild dog
attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the
animal and throttled it with
his two hands.
A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the
headline the
following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by
Killing
Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from
that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will
probably say,
'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing
Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case,"
the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should
read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet'."
came upon a wild dog
attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the
animal and throttled it with
his two hands.
A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the
headline the
following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by
Killing
Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from
that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will
probably say,
'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing
Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case,"
the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should
read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet'."
Jokes number : 38
A cub reporter for
a small town
newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following
report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family
paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and
write something
more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought
long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering
in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
"
a small town
newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following
report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family
paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and
write something
more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought
long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering
in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
"
Jokes number : 37
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a
journalist are
covering a political convention in Miami. They
decide to walk up and down
the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up
the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but
since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And
what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want the
m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
journalist are
covering a political convention in Miami. They
decide to walk up and down
the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up
the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but
since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And
what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want the
m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
Jokes number : 36
A photographer for a national
magazine
was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at
the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the
airport!" he was assured by his
editor. As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the
pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the
instructor?"
magazine
was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at
the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the
airport!" he was assured by his
editor. As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the
pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the
instructor?"
Jokes number : 35
A car was involved in an accident in a
street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter,
anxious to
get his story could not get near the car.
Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let
me
through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for
him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter,
anxious to
get his story could not get near the car.
Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let
me
through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for
him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Jokes number : 34
Do you want some help using the Internet,
son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
Jokes number : 33
Can you show me how to
use the
Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in
circles.
use the
Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in
circles.
Jokes number : 32
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet
address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
Jokes number : 31
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers
does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five
hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light
bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of
changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed
differently or to caution about the
dangers of changing light
bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light
bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to
write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to
correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email
exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to
alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bul
bs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying
that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to
this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs
is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are
faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected
URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the
URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant
to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all
headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me
Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the
"Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that
posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave
it here.
53 votes for
alt.lite.bulb.
does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five
hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light
bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of
changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed
differently or to caution about the
dangers of changing light
bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light
bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to
write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to
correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email
exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to
alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bul
bs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying
that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to
this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs
is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are
faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected
URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the
URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant
to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all
headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me
Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the
"Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that
posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave
it here.
53 votes for
alt.lite.bulb.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Jokes number : 24
She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter
is a very strong person who goes
round picking up shops.
is a very strong person who goes
round picking up shops.
Jokes number : 23
Did you hear
about the hillbilly who
went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want
one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the
hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it
only
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware
store started the saw to see what the
problem was.
The hillbilly
jumped back and said what the hell is that
noise?
about the hillbilly who
went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want
one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the
hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it
only
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware
store started the saw to see what the
problem was.
The hillbilly
jumped back and said what the hell is that
noise?
Jokes number : 22
I saw a pen in a
store the other
day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than
most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too
bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You
don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write
German."
store the other
day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than
most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too
bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You
don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write
German."
Jokes number : 21
Two men were digging a ditch on a very
hot
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
digging a
ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a
tree?" "I
don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So
he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we
digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence,"
the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss
said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch
digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss
removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,
"That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here
because of intelligence." "What's
intelligence?" said the friend. T
he ditch digger put his hand on his
face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."
hot
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
digging a
ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a
tree?" "I
don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So
he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we
digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence,"
the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss
said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch
digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss
removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,
"That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here
because of intelligence." "What's
intelligence?" said the friend. T
he ditch digger put his hand on his
face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."
Jokes number : 20
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on
the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked
down
their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw
you down, and then you
can pick up the ladder."
"What, do
you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my
flashlight, and
you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think
I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight
when I'm halfway
there."
the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked
down
their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw
you down, and then you
can pick up the ladder."
"What, do
you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my
flashlight, and
you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think
I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight
when I'm halfway
there."
Jokes number : 19
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in
the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a
huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just
a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the
cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a
huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just
a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the
cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Jokes number : 18
A hunter visited another hunter
and was
given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The
visiting
hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was
three years ago, when I went hunting with my
wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
and was
given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The
visiting
hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was
three years ago, when I went hunting with my
wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
Jokes number : 17
Two hunters
got a pilot to fly them into
the far north for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane
can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave
two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model
and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the
valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to
the other, "Do you
know where we are?"
"I think so," replied
the other hunter. I think this is about the
same place where
we landed last year!"
got a pilot to fly them into
the far north for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane
can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave
two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model
and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the
valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to
the other, "Do you
know where we are?"
"I think so," replied
the other hunter. I think this is about the
same place where
we landed last year!"
Jokes number : 16
Two guys
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy
says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh,"
says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy
asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I
did!"
And the first guy says: "Then
why did you step in it?"
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy
says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh,"
says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy
asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I
did!"
And the first guy says: "Then
why did you step in it?"
Jokes number : 15
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new
bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure
none of
his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to
try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress
him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the
bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water
to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a
single word.
On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual
about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He
can't swim."
bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure
none of
his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to
try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress
him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the
bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water
to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a
single word.
On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual
about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He
can't swim."
Jokes number : 14
Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
reputation
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Wel
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well,
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
say
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
reputation
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Wel
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well,
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
say
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
Jokes number : 13
Sherlock Holmes
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does
that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does
that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Jokes number : 12
There
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.
He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was
priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.
POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
condo
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.
He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was
priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.
POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
condo
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?
Jokes number : 11
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.
He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
to the
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.
He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
to the
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Jokes number : 8
Did you find my horse well
behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
Jokes number : 6
A stallion and a mare where due to get married,
but the stallion
didn't show up at the church.
He got colt
feet
but the stallion
didn't show up at the church.
He got colt
feet
Jokes number : 5
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the
owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and
you'll probably beat her
too!"
owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and
you'll probably beat her
too!"
Jokes number : 4
Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto
them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.
A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why
are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto
them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.
A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why
are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Jokes number : 3
A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.
St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy
vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,
which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge
mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the
forester says
"Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before."
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.
St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy
vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,
which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge
mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the
forester says
"Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Jokes number : 2
Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator..."
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator..."
Jokes number : 1
A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then
said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's
more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint
Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,
too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator..."
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then
said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's
more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint
Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,
too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator..."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Jokes number : 91
A man and a little boy entered a
barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment - shave,
shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the
chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about
you." "That wasn't my
daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and
said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"
barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment - shave,
shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the
chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about
you." "That wasn't my
daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and
said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"
Jokes number : 90
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the
thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby
drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client
places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the
client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the
thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby
drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client
places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the
client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
Jokes number : 88
What happened to the girl who
wore a
mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
wore a
mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
Jokes number : 87
Why are teachers happy at Halloween
parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!
parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Jokes number : 86
Why
did the wizard wear a yellow robe to
the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana.
did the wizard wear a yellow robe to
the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana.
Jokes number : 85
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
Jokes number : 84
Q: What do you get when you put an
experimental monkey in a blender?
A: Rhesus Pieces.
experimental monkey in a blender?
A: Rhesus Pieces.
Jokes number : 81
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a
tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
Jokes number : 80
A man walks outside to his car for work, when
he
notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and
finds the
animal control number, calls and asks them to send over
someone who's
a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is
carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair
of handcuffs. The man
says,''What are all of those for?''
The animal control officer
says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock
the gorilla down, the dog
will bite him in the nuts and you must slap
the handcuffs on his
wrists.''
The man asks,''What is the gun for?''
The
animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the
dog!'''
he
notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and
finds the
animal control number, calls and asks them to send over
someone who's
a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is
carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair
of handcuffs. The man
says,''What are all of those for?''
The animal control officer
says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock
the gorilla down, the dog
will bite him in the nuts and you must slap
the handcuffs on his
wrists.''
The man asks,''What is the gun for?''
The
animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the
dog!'''
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Jokes number : 75
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a
living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.
living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.
Jokes number : 72
I'd like a new frog, please.
But you bought
one only yesterday. What happened?
It Kermit-ted suicide.
But you bought
one only yesterday. What happened?
It Kermit-ted suicide.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Jokes number : 70
A librarian was quietly working when three
chickens
walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said "BUK BUK
BUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and
they left.
An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto
the counter,
returned the books they had taken earlier and said "BUK
BUK BUK" Now
convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three
books, they took one
each and left. This time she decided to follow
them. She followed them
down to the local pond and stood horrified
as they threw the books into
the water.
All of a sudden they
flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's
head up saying
"RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"
chickens
walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said "BUK BUK
BUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and
they left.
An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto
the counter,
returned the books they had taken earlier and said "BUK
BUK BUK" Now
convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three
books, they took one
each and left. This time she decided to follow
them. She followed them
down to the local pond and stood horrified
as they threw the books into
the water.
All of a sudden they
flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's
head up saying
"RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"
Jokes number : 69
A family of three tomatoes
were walking
downtown one day when the little baby tomato started
lagging behind. The
big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps
on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
were walking
downtown one day when the little baby tomato started
lagging behind. The
big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps
on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Jokes number : 68
A customer was bothering the
waiter in a
restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be
turned up
because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter
was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
waiter in a
restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be
turned up
because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter
was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
Jokes number : 67
A customer was bothering the waiter in a
restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was
too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on
for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw
out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was
too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on
for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw
out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
Jokes number : 66
One day, Bill and Tom went to a
restaurant for
dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about
that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"
Bill: "If
you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining
about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"
restaurant for
dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about
that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"
Bill: "If
you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining
about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"
Jokes number : 64
It was well known that a certain lake was very
poor for
fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice
that one guy kept
coming home with his limit of fish on several
occations. He asked the guy:
"How is it that you are catching fish out of
that lake when no one
else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going
back up there tommorow, why
don't you come along?" And, so the
warden did. They were in the boat
when the fisherman reached over and
lit a stick of dynamite and then
tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There
were fish floating to the surface all
over! The game warden freaked
out, and said: "You can't do that!
That's illeagal!" The
fisherman reached over and lit another stick and
said: "Are you going to
fish, or talk?"
poor for
fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice
that one guy kept
coming home with his limit of fish on several
occations. He asked the guy:
"How is it that you are catching fish out of
that lake when no one
else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going
back up there tommorow, why
don't you come along?" And, so the
warden did. They were in the boat
when the fisherman reached over and
lit a stick of dynamite and then
tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There
were fish floating to the surface all
over! The game warden freaked
out, and said: "You can't do that!
That's illeagal!" The
fisherman reached over and lit another stick and
said: "Are you going to
fish, or talk?"
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Jokes number : 61
If you're fishing on ice, you should
never
tell a joke on ice. WHY???
The ice will crack up!
never
tell a joke on ice. WHY???
The ice will crack up!
Jokes number : 60
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with
no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave,
when a
guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts
pulling out
fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob
can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob,
" you
have to keep your worms warm".
no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave,
when a
guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts
pulling out
fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob
can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob,
" you
have to keep your worms warm".
Jokes number : 59
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
The
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ough your
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
morning."
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
The
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ough your
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
morning."
Jokes number : 58
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
deaf!"
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
deaf!"
Jokes number : 57
A jogger running down a country road
is
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
jogger
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing
and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man
I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this
farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
Why
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
I'll
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
thought to
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
Kentucky.
is
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
jogger
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing
and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man
I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this
farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
Why
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
I'll
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
thought to
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
Kentucky.
Jokes number : 56
There was a farmer who
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
he
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he
went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The
farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
animals
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
he
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he
went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The
farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
animals
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"
Jokes number : 55
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he
goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
it
slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.
The next
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
it
slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.
The next
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Jokes number : 54
How many firemen does it take
to change
a light bulb?
Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to
change the bulb.
to change
a light bulb?
Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to
change the bulb.
Jokes number : 53
A man calls the fire
department and
says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I
have a nice
new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new
rose
garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have
to do
with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the
house next door is on fire and I
don't want you to trample my front
yard."
department and
says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I
have a nice
new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new
rose
garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have
to do
with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the
house next door is on fire and I
don't want you to trample my front
yard."
Jokes number : 52
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory
was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man
explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man
explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
Jokes number : 51
After the
fire-truck arrived at a
burning building in a small Spanish town, the
firemen observed a man
dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on
the roof. Four of
the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape
from the
burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly
proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing,
not even
fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept
prancing
around while repeating the same phrase over and over until
the firemen got
really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when
the flames began to
scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed
his mind, was ready to
jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his
body hurtled toward the
safety-net, the four firemen shouted,
"Ole!" and quickly moved it
aside.
fire-truck arrived at a
burning building in a small Spanish town, the
firemen observed a man
dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on
the roof. Four of
the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape
from the
burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly
proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing,
not even
fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept
prancing
around while repeating the same phrase over and over until
the firemen got
really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when
the flames began to
scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed
his mind, was ready to
jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his
body hurtled toward the
safety-net, the four firemen shouted,
"Ole!" and quickly moved it
aside.
Jokes number : 50
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in
the
early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart
Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries
George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
the
early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart
Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries
George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Jokes number : 49
A US
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"
Jokes number : 48
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an
Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman,
tapped
him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
a
drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know
that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So,
the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the
shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating,
idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't
know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third
Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off...
just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
hi
m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman,
tapped
him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
a
drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know
that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So,
the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the
shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating,
idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't
know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third
Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off...
just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
hi
m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Jokes number : 47
There were
three Aggies; one crane operator,
one pole climber, one guide. The guide
tied the crane to the end of
a pole. The crane operator would then pick
the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the
guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The
crane operator then
lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick
up another
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over
and
asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying
on
the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles
are, not how long".
three Aggies; one crane operator,
one pole climber, one guide. The guide
tied the crane to the end of
a pole. The crane operator would then pick
the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the
guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The
crane operator then
lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick
up another
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over
and
asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying
on
the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles
are, not how long".
Friday, February 12, 2010
Jokes number : 46
An Englishman, Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
problems and
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
you to
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
problems and
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
you to
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Jokes number : 45
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German,
an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The
head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your
back
for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take
oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten
times. When he is finished the German
has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Mexican, "What do you
want on your back?"
"I
will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight
and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will
you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He
responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The
head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your
back
for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take
oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten
times. When he is finished the German
has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Mexican, "What do you
want on your back?"
"I
will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight
and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will
you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He
responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
Jokes number : 44
Fred: You've got a Roman nose.
Harry: Like
Julius Caesar?
Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.
Harry: Like
Julius Caesar?
Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.
Jokes number : 43
Fred: You have
the face of a saint.
Jill:
Really? Which one?
Fred: A Saint Bernard.
the face of a saint.
Jill:
Really? Which one?
Fred: A Saint Bernard.
Jokes number : 42
What happened when the
witch went for a job as
a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for
radio.
witch went for a job as
a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for
radio.
Jokes number : 41
Louise was watching her big sister covering her
face
with cream.
"What's that for?" she asked.
"To make me
beautiful," came the reply.
Louise then watched in silence as she
wiped her face clean.
"Doesn't work, does it?" was her comment.
face
with cream.
"What's that for?" she asked.
"To make me
beautiful," came the reply.
Louise then watched in silence as she
wiped her face clean.
"Doesn't work, does it?" was her comment.
Jokes number : 39
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a
kangaroo
?
Big holes all over Australia !
kangaroo
?
Big holes all over Australia !
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Jokes number : 37
Why did the elephant
paint his toenails
red ?
So he could hide in the cherry tree !
paint his toenails
red ?
So he could hide in the cherry tree !
Jokes number : 36
'We're going to play elephants and
circuses,' said
a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join
in?'
'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to
do?'
'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'
circuses,' said
a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join
in?'
'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to
do?'
'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'
Jokes number : 33
Did you hear about the lady whose house was
infested
with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!
infested
with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!
Jokes number : 31
What would you get if you crossed the Easter
Bunny
with a famous French general?
Napoleon Bunnyparte!
Bunny
with a famous French general?
Napoleon Bunnyparte!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Jokes number : 29
Why did the internit paint his
computer
screen in little black and white squares?
He wanted to check his
e-mail.
computer
screen in little black and white squares?
He wanted to check his
e-mail.
Jokes number : 27
Why didn't the internit get any
e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
Jokes number : 24
Upon
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.
He asked the store
manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep,
that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?"
"Because," the
owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him."
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.
He asked the store
manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep,
that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?"
"Because," the
owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him."
Jokes number : 23
A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said
"Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
"Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.
When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.
The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver
before!"
"Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
"Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.
When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.
The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver
before!"
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Jokes number : 22
A man is
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, "Pssst you come over
here!" He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
"yes over here!" Said the greyhound
"Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?" The man thought
to himself "Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the
owner.
He found
the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??" The
owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!"
"But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. "Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing
over
the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied
"Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's
life!"
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, "Pssst you come over
here!" He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
"yes over here!" Said the greyhound
"Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?" The man thought
to himself "Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the
owner.
He found
the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??" The
owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!"
"But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. "Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing
over
the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied
"Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's
life!"
Jokes number : 21
A man was very proud of his guard
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your
big dog
outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes
why?" She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared
the
man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the
woman. "A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?" "I
think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your
big dog
outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes
why?" She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared
the
man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the
woman. "A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?" "I
think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
Jokes number : 20
A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to
completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you
want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man
replied
"Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!"
completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you
want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man
replied
"Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!"
Jokes number : 19
Doctor, Doctor I think I need
glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Jokes number : 17
The surgeon told his patient that woke
up after
having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to
operate you
again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay
for them if you
just leave me alone."
up after
having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to
operate you
again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay
for them if you
just leave me alone."
Jokes number : 16
Did you hear the new penalty for
speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets
and the second offense
they make you use them.
speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets
and the second offense
they make you use them.
Jokes number : 15
A doctor and his wife were having a
big
argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he
shouted and stormed off to
work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in
bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second
opinion."
big
argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he
shouted and stormed off to
work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in
bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second
opinion."
Monday, February 8, 2010
Jokes number : 14
A friend
of mine just got divorced. He and
his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.
of mine just got divorced. He and
his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.
Jokes number : 13
Staring down from the bench to announce the
terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and
said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's
mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and
said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's
mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
Jokes number : 12
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still
many women
these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems
each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.
many women
these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems
each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.
Jokes number : 11
Two
men are talking. The first sez, "I got
married because I was tired
of eating out, cleaning the house, doing
the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes."
"Amazing," said the
second, "I just got divorced for the very same
reasons."
men are talking. The first sez, "I got
married because I was tired
of eating out, cleaning the house, doing
the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes."
"Amazing," said the
second, "I just got divorced for the very same
reasons."
Jokes number : 7
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Jokes number : 6
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The
first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a
bomb right
now, what would be the first thing you would
do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do?"
The first Marine replied, "I would stand
very still for half an
hour."
The
first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a
bomb right
now, what would be the first thing you would
do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do?"
The first Marine replied, "I would stand
very still for half an
hour."
Jokes number : 5
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with
a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the
counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We
can't
allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, "Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Madge
says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!"
a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the
counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We
can't
allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, "Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Madge
says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!"
Jokes number : 4
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw
the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
Jokes number : 100
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road
anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
Jokes number : 99
A husband and wife entered the
dentist's
office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want
gas
or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband turns to his
wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it
is, dear."
dentist's
office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want
gas
or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband turns to his
wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it
is, dear."
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Jokes number : 98
"I came in to
make an appointment with the
dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir."
she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you,"
interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
"When will he be out
again ?"
make an appointment with the
dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir."
she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you,"
interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
"When will he be out
again ?"
Jokes number : 97
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth,
but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how
much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just
a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how
much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just
a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
Jokes number : 96
A patient came to
his dentist with problems
with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I
do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
his dentist with problems
with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I
do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Jokes number : 95
A dentist, after completing work on a patient,
came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest,
most painful
screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There
are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want
to miss the four o'clock ball game.
came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest,
most painful
screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There
are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want
to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Jokes number : 94
What's the difference between a very
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
bee?
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
bee?
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
Jokes number : 93
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife
and children were
gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
after."
and children were
gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
after."
Jokes number : 92
A woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
Jokes number : 91
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
the
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
that's
my wife's
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
but
now
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
they
could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at
the funeral."
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
the
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
that's
my wife's
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
but
now
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
they
could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at
the funeral."
Friday, February 5, 2010
Jokes number : 90
A woman goes into the local newspaper
office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well,
then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the
woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for
all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and
replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for
sale'."
office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well,
then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the
woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for
all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and
replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for
sale'."
Jokes number : 89
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last
night. I
dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus
girls in the
world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a
row."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
night. I
dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus
girls in the
world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a
row."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
Jokes number : 86
Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the
dance
Shoot the Rooster?
A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
dance
Shoot the Rooster?
A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
Jokes number : 84
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row
prisoners? Why
would you care if a man you're planning to kill
anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?
I also think
about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day
before his
execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a
hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed
him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
prisoners? Why
would you care if a man you're planning to kill
anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?
I also think
about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day
before his
execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a
hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed
him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
Jokes number : 83
A prisoner at
the Edmonton Max started
training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of
hours, he worked with the insect. It
learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike,
balance on a pair of stilts
and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get
out of here," the jailbird said to the fly.
"we're going to tour
the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly
safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside
its matchbox home), the
ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he
brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about
this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the
bartender reached for his copy of the
newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN,
rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty
swipe.
"Glad
you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are
eve
rywhere."
the Edmonton Max started
training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of
hours, he worked with the insect. It
learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike,
balance on a pair of stilts
and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get
out of here," the jailbird said to the fly.
"we're going to tour
the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly
safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside
its matchbox home), the
ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he
brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about
this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the
bartender reached for his copy of the
newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN,
rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty
swipe.
"Glad
you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are
eve
rywhere."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Jokes number : 82
Two men,
sentenced to die in the electric
chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would
meet their maker. The priest had given the
last rites, the formal
speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been
said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the
first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To
which the man
replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play
The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the
warden. He turned to the other man and
asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned
man, "kill me first."
sentenced to die in the electric
chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would
meet their maker. The priest had given the
last rites, the formal
speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been
said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the
first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To
which the man
replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play
The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the
warden. He turned to the other man and
asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned
man, "kill me first."
Jokes number : 81
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was
about to be
executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the
chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my
hand?"
about to be
executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the
chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my
hand?"
Jokes number : 80
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to
prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow
inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his
time. After
three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local
area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to
do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community.... and he always
reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.
The
warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done
much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job
for
him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh,
I'd really like
to help you but counter fitting is what got
me into prison in the first
place".
prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow
inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his
time. After
three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local
area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to
do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community.... and he always
reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.
The
warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done
much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job
for
him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh,
I'd really like
to help you but counter fitting is what got
me into prison in the first
place".
Jokes number : 79
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are
to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought
to
the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last
request,
to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty
grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta
go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says
the warden. He turns to
the biker, "And you, biker, what's your
last request?"
"That you kill me first."
to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought
to
the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last
request,
to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty
grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta
go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says
the warden. He turns to
the biker, "And you, biker, what's your
last request?"
"That you kill me first."
Jokes number : 77
The cowboy
was trying to buy a health
insurance policy. The insurance agent was
going down the list of standard
questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a
one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't
never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by
a snake once. Wouldn't
you consider that an
accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
was trying to buy a health
insurance policy. The insurance agent was
going down the list of standard
questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a
one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't
never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by
a snake once. Wouldn't
you consider that an
accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Jokes number : 76
Three cowboys
were hanging out in the
bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex,"
said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car
he bought as soon as he
gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always
be just a good
ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say
is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the
third. "He's so
smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he
comes now." Tex swung
open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi,
partners!"
were hanging out in the
bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex,"
said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car
he bought as soon as he
gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always
be just a good
ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say
is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the
third. "He's so
smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he
comes now." Tex swung
open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi,
partners!"
Jokes number : 75
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire
seats
in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed
this
he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one
seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm
going to have to
call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's
you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The
balcony."
seats
in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed
this
he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one
seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm
going to have to
call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's
you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The
balcony."
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Jokes number : 74
A man climbed over a fence into a
field to pick
some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull
safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
field to pick
some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull
safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
Jokes number : 72
Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.
Farmer: Not
bunch, herd.
Camper: Heard what?
Farmer: Of cows.
Camper: Sure
I've heard of cows.
Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.
Camper: So
what? I have no secrets from cows!
Farmer: Not
bunch, herd.
Camper: Heard what?
Farmer: Of cows.
Camper: Sure
I've heard of cows.
Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.
Camper: So
what? I have no secrets from cows!
Jokes number : 71
What did the farmer call the cow that would not
give him any milk ?
An udder failure !
give him any milk ?
An udder failure !
Jokes number : 68
How do you know a Brigham
Young student's
been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.
Young student's
been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.
Jokes number : 67
Why do University of
Arkansas graduates
tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park
in handicapped spaces.
Arkansas graduates
tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park
in handicapped spaces.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Jokes number : 66
Teenage Driver: But,
officer, I'm a
college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
officer, I'm a
college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
Jokes number : 65
An applicant was being interviewed for
admission
to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the
interviewer,
"where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well,
let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.
I guess
I'll be on the golf course by now."
admission
to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the
interviewer,
"where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well,
let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.
I guess
I'll be on the golf course by now."
Jokes number : 64
Q: How can
you tell Bill Clinton apart from
a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
you tell Bill Clinton apart from
a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Jokes number : 63
Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton
and
tells him, "Bill, I had a
wonderful dream last night. I could see
America, the whole beautiful
country, and on each house I saw a
banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks.
Saddam
replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."
Clinton says, "You know,
Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night
I had a
similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than
ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house
flew an
enormous banner."
"What could you see on the banners?" Saddam
asks.
Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
and
tells him, "Bill, I had a
wonderful dream last night. I could see
America, the whole beautiful
country, and on each house I saw a
banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks.
Saddam
replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."
Clinton says, "You know,
Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night
I had a
similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than
ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house
flew an
enormous banner."
"What could you see on the banners?" Saddam
asks.
Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Jokes number : 62
Q: What is the difference
between Dan
Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
between Dan
Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Jokes number : 61
Q: What's the difference between Hillary
Clinton
and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a
briefcase.
Clinton
and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a
briefcase.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Jokes number : 58
Why is a burning candle like being
thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
Jokes number : 57
What did the bald man say when he got
a
comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
a
comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
Jokes number : 54
A certain little girl, when asked
her
name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother
told
her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."
The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet
away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm
not."
her
name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother
told
her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."
The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet
away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm
not."
Jokes number : 53
A little boy walked down the
aisle at a
wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two
steps,
then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's
side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step,
step,
ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the
pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back
his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
aisle at a
wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two
steps,
then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's
side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step,
step,
ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the
pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back
his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
Jokes number : 51
A group of young children were siting in a circle with
their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes..
click!"
their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes..
click!"
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