Jokes number : 22

Mandy was
applying for a summer
job.
'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store.
'I'm twelve
years old, Sir,' answered Mandy.
'And what do you expect to be when
you grow up ?'
'Twenty one, Sir.'

Jokes number : 21

Trevor: That's a cool
pair of stockings
you have on Jill. One red and one green.
Jill: Yes, and I have
another pair just like it at home.

Jokes number : 20

Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your
whistle. Your father can't
read his paper.
Jackie: Wow, I'm only
eight and I can read it

Jokes number : 19

Mother: What do you mean, the school must be

haunted ?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the
school
spirit.

Jokes number : 18

Mary arrived home from
school covered in
spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother.
'I don't
know,' replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have
caught
decimals.'

Jokes number : 17

Mother: I told you not eat cake
before
supper.
Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take
an eighth
of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

Jokes number : 16

On the first day at school the girls were

sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on
each
other.
'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little
girl proudly.
'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after
they got divorced. I
come from a four parent family !'

Jokes number : 15

A little
girl was next in line. 'My
name's Curtain,' she said.
'I hope your first name is not Agnate
?'
'No, it's velvet !'

Jokes number : 14

Two girls were talking in the corridor.
'That
boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.
'But
he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.
'That's what's
getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.

Jokes number : 13

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting
for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma ?'

Jokes number : 12

John kept pestering his parents to buy a
video, but they said
they couldn't afford one. So one day John came
home clutching a
package containing a brand-new video.
'Where in
the World did you get the money to pay for that ?' asked
his
father suspiciously.
'It's OK, Dad,' replied John, 'I've traded the
TV in for
it.'

Jokes number : 11

A certain little boy had been spanked
by
his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that

evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum ! your husband's just come

home.'

Jokes number : 10

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen,
'you know that dish you were
always worried that I would break
?'
'Yes dear, what about it ?'
'Well your worries are over.'

Jokes number : 9

George knocked on the door of his friend's

house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert
come out
to play?'
'No, said the mother, 'it's too
cold.'
'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play

?'

Jokes number : 8

Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if
you don't stop playing
that trumpet I think I'll go
crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour

ago.'

Jokes number : 7

'William, I've been told that you have
been fighting
with the boys next door,' said mum.
'yes, but they're twins, so I
wanted some way to tell the
apart.'

Jokes number : 6

Mum: How can
you practice your trumpet
and listen to the radio at the same time ?
Son: Easy. I have two
ears!

Jokes number : 5

Dick and
Jane were arguing furiously over
the breakfast table. ' Oh you're so
stupid!' shouted
Dick.
'Dick!' said their father, 'that's quite enough of that! Now say

you're sorry.'
'OK,' said Dick. 'Jane, I'm sorry you're
stupid.'

Jokes number : 4

Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and

Ben was watching and occasionally helping. ' What are the holes
for ?'
Ben asked.
'They're knot holes,' said his
dad.
'What are they, then, if they're not holes ?' asked Ben.

Jokes number : 3

'Why are you crying, Ted ?' asked his
mum.
'Because my new sneakers hurt.'
'That's because you have put
them on the wrong feet.'
'But they are the only feet I have.'

Jokes number : 2

Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt
shaker yet ?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through
all those
little holes !

Jokes number : 1

Young Jimmy was having a snack
after
school with his Gran. ' Would you like another cookie ?' she

asked.
'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy.
'What good manners you have,'
said his Gran. ' I do like to hear
young people say 'please' and
'thank you'.'
'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of
that cake,' replied
Jimmy !

Jokes number : 100

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose
father was the
stronger. Will said,' Well, you know the Pacific
Ocean ? My father's
the one who dug the hole for it.'
Bill wasn't
impressed, ' Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea
? My
father's the one who killed it !

Jokes number : 99

Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to

know the time, so they began singing at the top of their
voices.
Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted
down
at them "Hey, less noise!, don't you know it's three o'clock
in the
morning!"

Jokes number : 98

As two boys
were passing the rectory, the
minister leaned over the wall and showed
them a ball.
"Is this
yours" he asked
"Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys
"No"
replied the minister
"Then it's mine !"

Jokes number : 97

'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you

help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called

Cotters......'
'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called
?'

Jokes number : 96

Did you
hear about the boy who was known
as Fog ?
He was dense and wet !

Jokes number : 95

A little boy
went into a baker's' 'How
much are those cakes ? he asked
'Two for 25 cents,' said the
baker
' How much does one cost ?' asked the boy
'13 cents,'
said the baker
'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents !' said
the boy

Jokes number : 94

Did you hear about the two little boys who

found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ?
'Quick,'
said one, 'run ! Before they say we did it !

Jokes number : 93

A man out for a walk
came across a little
boy pulling his cat's tail.
'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull
the cat's tail !'
'I'm not pulling !' replied the little boy.
'I'm only holding on -
the cat's pulling !'

Jokes number : 92

A little boy came downstairs crying
late
one night. ' What's wrong ?' asked his mother. Do people really

come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. 'In a way they

do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust
?'.
'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well,
under my
bed there's someone either coming or going !'

Jokes number : 91

What's the matter son?
The boy next door
said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger
than me !

Jokes number : 90

Did
you hear about the boy who wanted to
run away to the circus ?
He ended up in a flea circus !

Jokes number : 89

A little kid is sitting on a park bench
eating
abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he

continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the
kid says
" oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" the
old man
replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all
that chocolate
"oh no sir" says the kid, it was by minding his own
business !

Jokes number : 88

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to
her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.


"How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him!"

Jokes number : 87

Young
Vestal was walking in his Florida
backyard when an alligator bit him.

"Mama!" yelled the boy. "A
gator jus' bit off mah foot!"

"Which one?" called his mother
from inside the cabin.

"How the hell should Ah know?!" he
shrieked. "They all look alike to
me!"

Jokes number : 86

I had a funny dream last night, Mom.
Did
you?
I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was
asleep.

Jokes number : 85

A naughty child was
irritating all the
passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last
one man
could stand it no longer. "Hey kid," he shouted. "Why don't
you go
outside and play?"

Jokes number : 84

Fred: Where does the new kid come from?

Harry: Alaska.
Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.

Jokes number : 83

Mother: Did you get a good place in the

geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in
the class.

Jokes number : 82

Boy: Grandma, do you know how to
croak.
Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says
he'll
be a rich man when you do.

Jokes number : 81

"What
were you before you came to school,
boys and girls?" asked the teacher,
hoping that someone would say
"babies." She was disappointed when all
the children cried out,
"Happy!"

Jokes number : 80

Why was the mother flea
feeling down in
the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the
dogs.

Jokes number : 79

Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
Because
her children were not very bright.

Jokes number : 78

Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond
of fish. She was also
rather deaf, which was great for the children
in her class.
"What Mrs Smith needs," said one of her colleagues,
"is a
herring-aid."

Jokes number : 77

Tyler was
excited about his first day at
school. So excited in fact, that only a few
minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to
go to the bathroom.
So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he
could be excused.


Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick.
Five
minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I
can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat
Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and
asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked
at the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he
returned to the class room and says to the
teacher, "I can't find
it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a
boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the
bathroom.

So,
Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return
r
and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Tommy, "Well,
did you find it?" Tommy is quick with
his reply, "Oh sure, he just
had his boxer shorts on
backwards."

Jokes number : 76

A little girl was playing in the garden when
she
spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.


"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.


"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the
other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her
father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."

The little
girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them
flat.

"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."

Jokes number : 75

Little Johnny came home from school
with
a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble

telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please

sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother

takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes
the
door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",
she said, so
Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.


"O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take

off my bra", which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off
my panties". Johnny finishes
removing these too.

His mother
then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to
school
anymore!"

Jokes number : 74

A man is walking down the street one day when

he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house

across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too
high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for
some time,
the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow

and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and

gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the
childs level, the man smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my
little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

Jokes number : 73

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten

teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son
handed
her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I
bet I
know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the
boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she
said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what
it is
- a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you
know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the
teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She
touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher
repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy
replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy
replied, "A puppy!"

Jokes number : 72

A precious little girl walks
into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do
you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he
gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks,


"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"


She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet
python
weally gives a thit."

Jokes number : 71

A mother was teaching her
3-year-old the
Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she
repeated it
after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right
up
to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she

prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

Jokes number : 70

On the way to
preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her
little girl picked it
up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my
friend, 'my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!' Then the
child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome
to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"

Jokes number : 69

A little boy opened the big and old family

Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Then
something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at
it
closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between
pages.
"Mommy, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got
there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment
in the young boy's
voice he answered: "It's Adam's
clothes!!!!!"

Jokes number : 68

"Doctor," said the
patient, "I need help! I
can't stop acting like a cat!"
"How long have you had this problem?"
the doctor asked.
"Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the
litter in '41

Jokes number : 67

When you call a dog, they usually come to

you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.

Jokes number : 66

Q: Why couldn't the cat speak?

A: The dog
taped his mouth.

Jokes number : 65

If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An
a-cat-emy award.

Jokes number : 64

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because
of the tree bark.

Jokes number : 63

A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse

me", he said to
the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?"
"Sure," replied
the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a
minute!"

Jokes number : 62

What is an octopus?
An eight-sided cat.

Jokes number : 61

What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not
tabby !

Jokes number : 60

What is another way to describe
a cat ?
A
heat seeking missile !

Jokes number : 59

Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !

Jokes number : 58

When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !

Jokes number : 57

Which big cat should
you never play cards with
?
A cheetah !

Jokes number : 56

Teacher: Name four members of the cat
family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Jokes number : 55

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're
very mewsical.

Jokes number : 54

What do you call a black cat than can spring up to

a six foot wall ?
A good jumpurr !

Jokes number : 53

What is a black cat's favourite TV show
?
Miami Mice !

Jokes number : 52

What's furry, has whiskers and
chases outlaws
?
A posse cat !

Jokes number : 51

What did the black cat say
to the fish
?
I've got a bone to pick with you !

Jokes number : 50

Why do black cats never shave ?
Because 8 out
of 10 cats prefer whiskas !

Jokes number : 49

When is it unlucky to see a black cat ?
When
your a mouse !

Jokes number : 48

Why did the cat sleep under the
car
?
Because she wanted to wake up oily !

Jokes number : 47

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin
?
There was some money in the kitty !

Jokes number : 46

Why are cats longer
in the evening than they
are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and
taking in in the morning
!

Jokes number : 45

What did the cat do when he swallowed some

cheese ?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !

Jokes number : 44

What is another way to describe a cat ?
A heat
seeking missile !

Jokes number : 43

What does a cat call a bowl of mice ?
A
purrfect meal !

Jokes number : 42

What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in
boots !

Jokes number : 41

What works in a circus, walks a
tightrope and
has claws ?
An acrocat !

Jokes number : 40

Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !

Jokes number : 39

When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !

Jokes number : 38

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge
?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !

Jokes number : 37

What cat purrs more than any other ?
Purrsians
!

Jokes number : 36

On what should you mount a statue of your cat
?
A caterpillar !

Jokes number : 35

What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers
!

Jokes number : 34

Why do cats chase birds ?
For a lark !

Jokes number : 33

What kind of cat should you take into the

desert ?
A first aid kitty !

Jokes number : 32

What do you call a cat that has just
eaten a
whole duck ?
A duck filled fatty puss !

Jokes number : 31

Why is a crazy marmalade cat like
a biscuit
?
They are both ginger nuts !

Jokes number : 30

Why do tomcats fight ?
Because they like
raising a stink !

Jokes number : 29

What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on

the sea ?
A catameringue !

Jokes number : 28

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out.
How
many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats !

Jokes number : 27

What do you get if you cross a cat
with Father
Christmas ?
Santa Claws !

Jokes number : 26

How do you know that cats are sensitive
creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk !

Jokes number : 25

What is cleverer than a talking cat ?
A
spelling bee !

Jokes number : 24

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle
of
vinegar ?
A sourpuss !

Jokes number : 23

Who was the most powerful
cat in China
?
Chairman Miaow !

Jokes number : 22

Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because
she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Jokes number : 21

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes
to
swim ?
An octopuss !

Jokes number : 20

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree
?
A cat-a-logue !

Jokes number : 19

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
A
catastrophe !

Jokes number : 18

What noise does a cat make going down the highway

?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

Jokes number : 17

How is cat food sold ?
Usually purr can !

Jokes number : 16

What is the cat's favourite TV
show ?
The
evening mews !

Jokes number : 15

What do you get if you cross
a cat and a
gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !

Jokes number : 14

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling
?
She's got that down in the mouth look !

Jokes number : 13

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold
?
He has cat-arrh !

Jokes number : 12

What did the cat say when he lost all his money

?
I'm paw !

Jokes number : 11

What do cat
actors say on stage ?
Tabby or
not tabby !

Jokes number : 10

How do cats
eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

Jokes number : 9

How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

Jokes number : 8

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot
?
A carrot !

Jokes number : 7

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool
?
She had mittens !

Jokes number : 6

What looks like half a cat ?
The other half
!

Jokes number : 5

Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is
it on
fire ?

Jokes number : 4

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed

me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and
take
good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey,
these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a God!

Jokes number : 3

Q: What do you call a cat when he first wakes up
with the alarm
clock? - A: Catsup!

Jokes number : 2

Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they
love a good
gag!

Jokes number : 1

Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? -
A:
A paws!

Jokes number : 100

Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her
kittens? - A: Because she
wanted to mail a litter.

Jokes number : 99

Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a

cat-alogue!

Jokes number : 98

Q: What kind of
cats lay around the house? -
A: Car-pets!

Jokes number : 97

Q: What kind
of work does a weak cat do? - A:
Light mouse work.

Jokes number : 96

Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A:
Spa-catti!

Jokes number : 95

Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A:

Petatoes!

Jokes number : 94

Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the

mouse? - A: Catch.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What do you call a
cat who's joined the
Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!

Jokes number : 92

Q: What do
you call a cat who eats lemons? -
A: A sourpuss!

Jokes number : 91

Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're
purr-fect!

Jokes number : 90

Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch

Paper!

Jokes number : 89

Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three

Blind Mice!

Jokes number : 88

Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

- A: It's meow-sic to their ears!

Jokes number : 87

Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? -
A: You're the
purrfect cat for me!

Jokes number : 86

Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A:

Catnip!

Jokes number : 85

Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
- A:
Mice cream

Jokes number : 84

Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing,

scratching cat fight? - A: Claude

Jokes number : 83

Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man

drive?
A: A LOCOmotive.

Jokes number : 82

Q. What has one horn and gives milk?

A A milk truck.

Jokes number : 81

The only thing wrong with a perfect
drive to work is that you
end up at work.

Jokes number : 80

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.

Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom
looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled
and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that
fast!"

Jokes number : 79

Q: What did the first stoplight say to
the second
stoplight?
A: Don't look I'm changing!!

Jokes number : 78

What do you get if you cross an Egyptian

mummy with a car mechanic?
Toot and Car Man.

Jokes number : 77

I saw the most beautiful
cars in the
window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and
said:
'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'

Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

Jokes number : 76

A businessman was traveling in the train
and his
seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every
time the train
stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all
shops to
purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and
every time he was
remembering that's all happened because I am in the
last couch. When he got
down at the destination station, he asked
the station person that he
wants to lodge a complaint against the
railway staff. The complaints and
suggestions book was given to him
and he wrote: " There should not be
any last couch in the train. If
there is any last couch in the train,
it should be kept somewhere
in the middle.

Jokes number : 75

A sardarji
was working as editor in
a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to
Bombay to deliver a
speech about railway department improvements. His
coach was the last
coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and
so
sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare
for the
speech.

Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his
first point
towards improvement of railway department was: "There
should not be last
coach in any train."

Jokes number : 74

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.'
Ghost: Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but
my mother made me give it back.

Jokes number : 73

What do you get when you put a car and a

pet together ?
Carpet !

Jokes number : 72

Q) What's worse than raining
buckets?
A) Hailing taxis!

Jokes number : 71

Q: What do you call a laughing
motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Jokes number : 70

What do you call a group of cars ?
A
clutch !

Jokes number : 69

What do you call someone who draws funny
pictures of
motor vehicles ?
A car-toonist !

Jokes number : 68

What do you call a person who falls onto

you on a train ?
A laplander !

Jokes number : 67

What do you call a pretend railway
?
A play station !

Jokes number : 66

Why did the man put his car in the
oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.

Jokes number : 65

What did the man put on his car when

the weather was cold?
An extra muffler.

Jokes number : 64

What is a banged-up used
car?
A
car in first-crash condition.

Jokes number : 63

What did the big carburettor say to the

little carburettor?
"Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke."

Jokes number : 62

What would you have if your car's

motor was in flames?
A fire engine.

Jokes number : 61

What happens if an
axe falls on your
car?
You have an ax-i-dent (accident).

Jokes number : 60

What is the difference between a

locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other
trains the mind.

Jokes number : 59

Where do cars get the most
flat
tires?
Where there is a fork in the road.

Jokes number : 58

What kind of car drives over
water?
Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.

Jokes number : 57

Who drives away all of his
customers?
A taxicab driver.

Jokes number : 56

What kind of ears do trains
have?
Engineers (engine ears).

Jokes number : 55

What driver doesn't have a

license?
A screw driver.

Jokes number : 54

If an electric train travels 90

miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the

north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke
from an electric train!

Jokes number : 53

What is the best thing to take when

you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.

Jokes number : 52

What part of a car is the
laziest?
The wheels. They are always tired.

Jokes number : 51

What did the jack say to the
car?
"Can I give you a lift?"

Jokes number : 50

Why is an old car like a baby
playing?
Because it goes with a rattle.

Jokes number : 49

What song does a car radio play?
A
cartoon (car, tune).

Jokes number : 48

What did one car muffler say to the
other
car muffler?
"Am I exhausted!"

Jokes number : 47

Teacher: "Who built the first American
car?"
Student: "Me Pilgrims."
Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"

Student: "Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact."

Jokes number : 46

What do you call a pig who's been
arrested for dangerous driving
?
A road hog !

Jokes number : 45

Auntie Gladys
bought herself a new
rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for
a spin, but
after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got
out and
opened up the front of the car. 'Oh, Gladys,' said her
friend,
'you've lost your engine!'
'Never mind dear,' said auntie.
'I've got a spare one in the
trunk.'

Jokes number : 44

Did you hear about
the girl who was
so keen on road safety that she always wore white at
night
?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough

Jokes number : 43

Why did your sister refuse the gift of a

Japanese car ?
Because she'd never be able to learn the
language

Jokes number : 42

Brother: How do you top a car
?
Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.

Jokes number : 41

Who drives away all
his customers
?
A taxi driver.

Jokes number : 40

Why was the school
principal not
pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?
They were both driving
their cars at the time !

Jokes number : 39

A monster goes to a petrol station and
says: Fill me up
The man at the petrol station replies: You have to
have a car for me to
do that!.
The monster replies: But I had a
car for lunch!

Jokes number : 38

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and

staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting
opposite
said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone
deaf
!'

Jokes number : 37

A tiny
racing car was developed by
American scientists. The Americans then sent
the car over to Japan
to see what the Japanese could do to better the
car. The Japanese
added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than
sent it to
the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a
sound
system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese,
who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent

it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car,

appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it

over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!

Jokes number : 36

Personally, I like
to stay and read
the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to
black and
people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There
are only
enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

Jokes number : 35

A man was fed up of
having his car
broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he
would remove
it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there
is no
point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he

returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new

note where his had left his, saying just checking.!

Jokes number : 34

A
Roadway driver is driving east on
Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and
the CB crackles to life .


"Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?"
comes
from the CB.



The Roadway driver replies . "I
don't know" .

The other trucker says " You and your brother
".

Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells
him
"Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you
see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees

another truck .he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know
who
the two biggest poofs in the world are?"

The other trucker
says " I don't know who?"

The roadway driver replies " Me and
my brother"

Jokes number : 33

I was going 70 miles an hour and got

stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per
hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long.-

Jokes number : 32

When I get real bored, I
like to
drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car
and
count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Jokes number : 31

Jill's car was unreliable and she
called John for a ride every time
it broke down.

One day John
got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this
time?" he
asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get
me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore,"
Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill
replied, "It's in here with me."

Jokes number : 30

A man learned shortly before quitting
time
that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully
to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not
be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one
fellow and left it on his desk:
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and
found this note: "Meet
us at the bar and grill across the street.
You drove today, you
idiot."

Jokes number : 29

The train was about to pull out of the
station. Swinging a
large bag, a young man managed to reach the
train, throw his bag in and
climb aboard, gasping for air.


seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better

shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and

still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took
a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train
at the *last*
station."

Jokes number : 28

Did you ever see a country boy in New

York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers,

"Taxi!"

Jokes number : 27

Blake and his parents were
drinking
at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three

of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that

they had missed the train.

"The next train is in one hour,"
said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The
parents had another drink; Blake
had a Pepsi.

Again they
heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling
away.


"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.


An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the

platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The
boy was
left standing on the platform and began to laugh
uproariously.

"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why
are you
laughing?"

"They came to see me off!"

Jokes number : 26

Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred
eighty pounds, was thrown from
his seat when the Southern Railway train
he was riding derailed.

The giant teenager flew a dozen feet
through the air before hitting
headfirst against a steel partition.
For a moment Dilmer lay dazed,
rubbing his head. The conductor came
by and kneeled down beside him.

"Don't move!" said the
conductor. "We've called an ambulance."

"Naw," said the boy, getting
to his feet. "I ain't hurt so bad.
That steel wall musta broke my
fall!"

Jokes number : 25

A San Francisco motorist following a

taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it

stopped suddenly.

"Why didn't you let me know you were going
to stop?" he yelled into
the mist.

"Why should I?" came a
voice out of the fog. "I'm in my own
garage!"

Jokes number : 24

McAfee and Bracket were driving home
after a big party.

"Hey," said McAfee, "be sure to watch out for
that bridge that's
coming down the road toward us."

"What
are you telling me to 'watch out' for?" asked Brackett.
"You're
the one who's driving!"

Jokes number : 23

"Where's the car?" asked Professor

Delbert's wife when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"


"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose you're
right, my dear. I remember now that after I got
out, I turned to
thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd
gone."

Jokes number : 22

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take
to change a light
bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer
and five to go out for more
bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all
the bulbs he has until he finds one that
fits, and the other to
tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the
whole socket.

Jokes number : 21

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it
take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: What ? Go all the way up there
and come back empty ? You must be
jokin' mate !

Jokes number : 20

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most

Wanted."

Jokes number : 19

Policeman:
Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of
gas.

Jokes number : 18

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.

Jokes number : 17

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.

Jokes number : 16

Policeman: Why were
you speeding
when I stopped you?
Motorist: So I could race home to get my license
and
registration.

Jokes number : 15

Policeman: Why were you
driving
around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a
merry-go-round.

Jokes number : 14

Policeman: Why were you
asleep at
the wheel?
Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

Jokes number : 13

Policeman: Why have you parked your bus

here?
Bus Driver: The sign says "Bus Stop."

Jokes number : 12

Policeman: Why didn't
you stop at
that red light?
Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.

Jokes number : 11

Policeman: Why
didn't you obey that
stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Jokes number : 10

Policeman: Why did your car
just
spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my
mind.

Jokes number : 9

Policeman: Why did
you stop your
car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The
light just turned yellow.

Jokes number : 8

Policeman: Why did you lead me on a

high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow
one.

Jokes number : 7

Policeman: Why did you
crash into
that stop sign?
Motorist: I was only following orders.

Jokes number : 6

Policeman: Why are you
driving
without a license?
Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.

Jokes number : 5

Policeman: Why are you
driving that
car in circles?
Driver: I was just going for a little spin.

Jokes number : 4

Policeman: Why are you driving on the
sidewalk?
Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.

Jokes number : 3

Policeman: What do you think you're

doing parking your car there?
Motorist: I thought it was good
place. It says "Safety
Zone."

Jokes number : 2

Policeman: What do you think you're
doing driving through that
intersection fifty miles an
hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an

accident.

Jokes number : 1

Policeman: I've had my eye on you for
some
time now.
Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were
arresting me for
speeding.

Jokes number : 100

Policeman: I suppose
you're going
to tell me you weren't speeding.
Motorist: I was speeding all right,
but I was testing you to see if you
were paying attention.

Jokes number : 99

Policeman: How can you say
you
don't have any outstanding tickets?
Driver: They're all in the glove
compartment.

Jokes number : 98

Policeman: How can you drive so

recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.

Jokes number : 97

Policeman: Do you know
how fast you
were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.

Jokes number : 96

Policeman: Didn't you see
the signs
with the speed limit?
Driver: I thought they were just
suggestions.

Jokes number : 95

Policeman:
Didn't you see that stop
sign?
Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

Jokes number : 94

Policeman: Didn't you see my
lights
flashing?
Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of
light.

Jokes number : 93

Policeman: Didn't you hear my
siren?
Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.

Jokes number : 92

Policeman: Didn't you hear me

whistle at you?
Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

Jokes number : 91

Policeman: Did you realize you just

missed that bus with your car?
Motorist: Did you want me to hit
it?

Jokes number : 90

Policeman: Are you going
to a
fire?
Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said

would happen if I were late again.

Jokes number : 89

Police Officer: Why were you
speeding?
Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

Jokes number : 88

Police Officer: Why are you driving in a

bathing suit?
Motorist: I'm in a car pool.

Jokes number : 87

Motorist: Does a deer have a
horn?
Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.
Motorist: Then it must have
been a car that ran over my uncle.

Jokes number : 86

Motorist: When I bought this car you
told me it
was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with
rust
Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it,

did we?

Jokes number : 85

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Jokes number : 84

What's the difference between a

schoolteacher and a train driver?
A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that
toffee" and a train says,
"Choo, choo."

Jokes number : 83

Why is it not safe to doze on trains?

Because they run over sleepers.

Jokes number : 82

How did the woman feel when she got run
over by a
car?
Tired.

Jokes number : 81

A passenger train is creeping along,
slowly. Finally it creaks to a
halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the
window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes
later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes,
however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk
again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch
up
with the cow again?"

Jokes number : 80

A motorist ran into a shop.
"Do you
own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the
manager.
"Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a
nun."

Jokes number : 79

My sister's a really bad driver.

What makes you say that?
Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts
a glass panel in the floor
so that she can see who she's run
over.

Jokes number : 78

You know all that talk about backseat

driving?

Well, I've been driving all my life and can safely
say that I've
never heard a word from the back seat.

What
kind of car do you drive?

A hearse!

Jokes number : 77

A man whose son had just passed his
driving
test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven
slap into
the living room. "How did you manage to do that?" he fumed.
"Quite
simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned
left!"

Jokes number : 76

"Take the wheel, Harry!" said the
nervous lady driver. "There's a tree
coming straight for us!"

Jokes number : 75

Learner driver: What happens when

everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong

lane.

Jokes number : 74

What is an autograph?
A chart which
shows car sales.

Jokes number : 73

What is an autobiography?
The life
story of an automobile.

Jokes number : 72

On Fred's 17th
birthday, his Dad
said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.
As they got in
the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If
you're going
to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."

Jokes number : 71

A man was in court charged with

parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything

to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading

notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Jokes number : 70

What sort of a car has your dad
got?

I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.
Really -
Ours only starts with gas.

Jokes number : 69

What should a teacher take if
he's
run down?
The number of the car that hit him.

Jokes number : 68

If you watch the way that many motorists

drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous
part
of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Jokes number : 67

Why did the car judder to a stop when it
saw a
ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown.

Jokes number : 66

What
happens when a frog's car
breaks down?
It gets toad away..

Jokes number : 65

Two wizards in a car
were driving
along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, "What
are we going to do?"
The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a
side street."

Jokes number : 64

What is the meaning of

afford?
It's the car most sales representatives drive.

Jokes number : 63

My dad is stupid.
He thinks a fjord
is a Norwegian motor car.

Jokes number : 62

What car do insects drive?
A
Volkswagen automobile.

Jokes number : 61

How do you stop a dog howling in the
back of a car?
Put him in the front.

Jokes number : 60

Auntie Maud bought herself a new
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
"Oh. Maud," said her friend, "you've lost
your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one
in the
trunk."

Jokes number : 59

What do you get if
you cross a Rolls
Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and
sucks out their gas
tanks.

Jokes number : 58

What's the difference between a teacher

and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other
minds the train.

Jokes number : 57

Why did the stupid racing car driver
make ten pit stops
during the Grand Prix?
He was asking for
directions.

Jokes number : 56

What do you call a witch who
drives
really badly?
A road hag.

Jokes number : 55

Did you hear
about the boy who had
to do a project on trains?
He had to keep track of everything!

Jokes number : 54

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles

home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.

Jokes number : 53

Why do you have to wait so long for a

ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.

Jokes number : 52

Where do ghost trains stop?
At devil
crossings.

Jokes number : 51

What is evil and ugly and goes at 125

mph?
A witch in a high speed train.

Jokes number : 50

What did the monster say when he saw a
rush
hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew chew
train!

Jokes number : 49

Whats black and white and red all
over?

A nun in a car accident.

Jokes number : 48

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the

long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk
asked.

"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?"
the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going
back there?"

Jokes number : 47

One day a guy was driving with his
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by
accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you
know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!"

Jokes number : 46

What do you say to a
one legged
hitch-hiker?

Hop in.

Jokes number : 45

Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked
one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red
and
the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you
should see
how all the witnesses contradict each
other."

Jokes number : 44

A fellow was following a truck in heavy
traffic.
Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the
driver of the truck would jump
out
of the cab with a big stick and
bang on the side of the cargo bay.
He'd
then jump back into
the cab in time to drive away when the signal
changed.
The first
fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand
it

no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick,

the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to
bother
you," he
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very
curious; could you
tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking
rhythm, the truck driver
replied,
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this
here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight
tons of
canaries
aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the
time so

I don't break an axle".

Jokes number : 43

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It

has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the
carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the
carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is.
I'll check it
out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

Jokes number : 42

A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.

"This is my
husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either."

Jokes number : 41

A young bloke has started work on a

property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these
things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark."

"But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!"

"Never
mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. "What's the
problem, son?"

"Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck."

Jokes number : 40

A man is driving down the road for a
long period of time.
During

his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he

gladly picks him up he
says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitch

hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.

In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty

son
of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the

hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,"Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!"

Jokes number : 39

A man was driving up a steep and narrow

mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
"Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
"Moron!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.

Jokes number : 38

A guy driving a truck in the middle of

nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker
falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the
hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go
back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was
that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang,
bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How
terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there
were
3 bangs"
The truck
driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the
bastard. . ."

Jokes number : 37

A state trooper pulled a car over and
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I
was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my
radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you
weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking."

Jokes number : 36

A driver, obviously
drunk, was
heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him
over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?"
the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians

Jokes number : 35

a quadruple amputee is waiting at the

bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says
"alright John, how you
getting on today?"

Jokes number : 34

A Lutheran
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir,
have you
been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just
water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it
again!"

Jokes number : 33

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Jokes number : 32

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"

The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little
tap" could scare
him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault.

Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!

Jokes number : 31

Ole
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets."

Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow

today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars

on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again, Ole says
"Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
"

Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?"

Jokes number : 30

One day, two guys were driving
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they

ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked

at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're

going to get us killed!"

Then the driver responded, "Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this."

So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!"

The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, "I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the
hell are
you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

The
driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

Jokes number : 29

A man
walks into an auto parts store
and says "I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo."

The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
"Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me."

Jokes number : 28

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the

railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The

inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd
use the manual lever
over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then,"
Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that
case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if
that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why
would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a
train crash."

Jokes number : 27

Five Englishmen
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is
just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says

disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5

persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs

agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen reply
angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian
official, "he can'ta come"."He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno".

Jokes number : 26

After seeing a
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

Jokes number : 25

In a very small alley two trucks

driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one
at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

Jokes number : 24

"When you exit the bus, please
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step."

"If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you."

Jokes number : 23

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a

stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!"


The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I
have
a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, "Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!"

The driver of the Yugo
said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.


It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!"

Jokes number : 22

A driver tucked this note under the

windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."

Jokes number : 21

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy

traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Jokes number : 20

Q: How do you deal with heavy
traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Jokes number : 19

Q: What is the difference
between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic

light?
A: The color.

Jokes number : 18

Q: What changes would occur in your

lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be
forced to drive unlawfully.

Jokes number : 17

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of
having an
accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Jokes number : 16

Q: When driving through fog, what

should you use?
A: Your car.

Jokes number : 15

Q: Who has the right of
way when
four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up
truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't
kill people. I do."

Jokes number : 14

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian
is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.

Jokes number : 13

A young man comes home and says "Dad,

just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with

his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father
replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your

hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went."

Jokes number : 12

A man goes out and buys the best
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the

best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He

takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The
dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's
a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
cost so
much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
cool dude
proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look
inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
alright!"

Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man

what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer

reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!

The
guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo

BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man

on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a

Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,

demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks "You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?"

The old
man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!"

Jokes number : 11

While driving along the back roads of a
small town, two
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read
CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was
12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The
driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a
cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"

Jokes number : 10

It had been snowing for
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may

being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return

to class."

Jokes number : 9

An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey!
What a wreck!" The
priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The
Rabbi responds,
"Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
"Well, what
are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest
says, "I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Jokes number : 8

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's

Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, "I
stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said
the man. "I was pushing it!"

Jokes number : 7

Why
did the electrician close early on
Mondays?
Because business was very light.

Jokes number : 6

The Americans and the Japanese decided to
engage in a boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach
their peak
performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The
Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and

rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.

After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the

consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the
following year, the American team's management structure
was completely
reorganized. The new structure for the American
s was: one quality
assurance manager, two steering managers, one
area steering managers, and a
new performance review manager for the
two people rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
That
year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!
Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rowers for poor
performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Jokes number : 5

The social
worker asked the bartender
"What's the difference between your job and
mine?"
The bartender
replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6
weeks and I
learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours
to
have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to
school
for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session

after session using technique after technique, and you still may never

hear them!!!

Jokes number : 4

INTERVIEWER to job
applicant: "Do you
think you could come up with any reason you want this
job other than
your parents want you out of their house?"

Jokes number : 3

Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the

average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's
because there will be fewer of us doing more work,
right?"

Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."

Jokes number : 2

Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the
office. Experts say humor
eases tension, which is important in times
when the work force is being
trimmed.
"Knock knock."

Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."

Jokes number : 1

After being laid off from five
different
jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he

lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying

the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold

ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it
cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job

security!"

Jokes number : 100

A businessman who needed millions of dollars
to
clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an

urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100
into the
other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the
church.The
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have
your undivided attention .... "

Jokes number : 99

'I'm very sad to announce this morning,
girls, that
Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at
morning
assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's
hymn....now
Thank We All Our God.'

Jokes number : 98

An American manufacturer is showing his

machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch
whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and
leave the building.

"Your workers, they're
escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."

"Don't
worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly
one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to
his guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you
like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much
do you want for
that whistle?"

Jokes number : 97

Two government economists were returning

home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were

assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying
the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They
continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the

subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally

one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they

could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one
economist remarked to the other that it was
the first time an
economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

Jokes number : 96

Kowalski, fresh out of
accounting school,
went to a interview for a good paying job. The
company boss asked
various questions about him and his education, but then
asked him,
"What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski
replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he

should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the
job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the
job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but was still
very curious.

The next day, Kowalski
went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple
question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the
closest."

Jokes number : 95

Mom and Dad are in the iron and
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

Jokes number : 94

There was once a high-powered businessman who

insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a
tall
one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand,
and a
very small one for adding footnotes.

Jokes number : 93

On the first day his son joined the family

firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and

said,

'I am going to give you your very first lesson in
business. Stand on
the edge of the roof.'

Reluctantly, the
boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.

'Now,' said his
father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump
off the roof.'


'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'

'Do
you want to succeed in business?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'And
you trust me, don't you?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'So do as I
say and jump.'

The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay
there, winded and
bruised. His father went racing down the stairs
and ran up to him.

That was your first lesson in business, son.


Never trust anyone.'

Jokes number : 92

What did the ruthless businessman say to

his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!

Jokes number : 91

What
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.

Jokes number : 90

Monster: Stick 'em down.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.

Jokes number : 89

Did you hear about the businessman who is so
rich he
has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?

It's for people who can't swim!

Jokes number : 88

What business is King Kong in?
Monkey
business.

Jokes number : 87

Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was
fed up with the hole business.

Jokes number : 86

"Information?
I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell
that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E
as in eye. W as in why.
A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses.
"Just a minute,
sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . .
."

Jokes number : 85

Two Italian
construction workers were in
the field on an extremely hot day working.. the
one says to the
other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets
all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't
know, go ask
him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we
do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The
supervisor says
"Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The
supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you
can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit
the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand
away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's
intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and
his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face
Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as
you can. . ."

Jokes number : 84

A young businessman rented a beautiful office
and
furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in.
Sitting
there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to
look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was
negotiating a big
deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge
commitments. Finally,
he put down the phone and asked the visitor
"Can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to install the
phone."

Jokes number : 83

The boss called one of his employees into the

office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for
a year. You
started off in the post room, one week later you were
promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were
promoted to district manager
of the sales department.

"Just
four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now
it's
time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.


"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.


"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I
suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad."

Jokes number : 82

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported
for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "your first job will
be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you
how."

Jokes number : 81

"Young man, do you think you can handle a
variety
of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten
different jobs in four
months."

Jokes number : 80

An applicant was filling out a job
application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He

answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The
applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."

Jokes number : 79

An Arthur Anderson partner comes
back to
his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I
said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"

The manager
goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron
documents to
shreds."

Jokes number : 78

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make

weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were

'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide
to use a
deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get
caught, he
wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was
doing.

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than
$40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.

The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is
late and sends some of
his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs
drag the guy to an
interpreter.

The right-hand man says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where da money
is."

The
interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf collector signs, "I
don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells
the main man, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking abo
ut."

The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The
interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf collector
signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park just east of the
big fountain."

The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to
the thug, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you
have the guts to pull the trigger."

Jokes number : 77

An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!"
cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."

"Don't worry,
they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like
to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do
you want for
that whistle?"

Jokes number : 76

An
investment counselor decided to go out
on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.

"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the

first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must

be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an

honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first
case."

"Impressive. And what sort
of case was that?" asked the investment
counselor.

The
lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."

Jokes number : 75

Did you hear about the banker who was

recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's
college
education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in
college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the
rest of the money?"

Jokes number : 74

"The fees for
withdrawing money from your
ATM machines are expected to double, even
triple. You're gonna pay
two to three as much to withdraw your money so
basically the ATM
machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the
ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the
middle man."
- Jay Leno

Jokes number : 73

"I'm not saying that the customer service in

my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the
clerk to
check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

Jokes number : 72

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and
said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of
yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be
tried
as soon as we catch him."

Jokes number : 71

The banker fell overboard from a friend's
sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not
knowing if the
banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float
alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
to
talk business."

Jokes number : 70

According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a
song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office

staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is

something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a

raw deal.

Jokes number : 69

A motorist, driving by a
Texas ranch, hit
and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver
went to
the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then
asked
what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the
rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is
what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and
handed it to the
farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It's postdated six years
from now."

Jokes number : 68

Tom was so excited about his promotion to
Vice
President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to
his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!".

"Really?"
he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the
grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk
to the Vice President
of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned
or frozen?"

Jokes number : 67

Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller
have
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Walk."

Jokes number : 66

Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer
in
a room full of bank directors?

A: A superior being.

Jokes number : 65

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax

time?

A: A dependent Claus.

Jokes number : 64

A young man asked an old rich
man how he
made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
$1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and

left us two million dollars."

Jokes number : 63

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay

telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
when
the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being

returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived
within the hour!

Jokes number : 62

The world is divided into two groups. There
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
problem.

Those who don't know are also in two
groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can

learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!

Jokes number : 61

Four corporate presidents, one
English,
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
an
international business conference when they were kidnapped by

terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."

"That can be arranged," said the
terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving

the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial

management."

The terrorist turned finally to the America
n.

"What is your last request?"

The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"

Jokes number : 60

Two
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People

started thinking I was the foreman."

Jokes number : 59

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of
humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Friday."

Jokes number : 58

Tom had this problem of getting up late in
the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and

threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you

yesterday?"

Jokes number : 57

An American automobile company and a Japanese
auto
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
River. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate
corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
structure.

After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was

changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff

Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing

the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
sigma
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
ought to
do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two
miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
for new
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
senior executives.

Jokes number : 56

ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher
announced that
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
here today."

The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."


The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."


"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
A-C-K, no..."

n
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
and try
again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
"accountant."