What do you get if you cross Dracula with a
snail?
The world's slowest vampire.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Jokes number : 39
Did you know that Dracula wants to become a
comedian?
He's looking for a crypt writer.
comedian?
He's looking for a crypt writer.
Jokes number : 36
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when
he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Jokes number : 32
What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot
with a
vampire?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said,
"Who's a pretty boy
then?"
with a
vampire?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said,
"Who's a pretty boy
then?"
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Jokes number : 23
Why
did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
They looked both ways before they crossed.
did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
They looked both ways before they crossed.
Jokes number : 22
Two men were having a drink together.
One
said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's
that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my
head off," he replied.
One
said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's
that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my
head off," he replied.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Jokes number : 14
If your watch is broken, why can't you go
fishing?
Because you don't have the time.
fishing?
Because you don't have the time.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Jokes number : 94
What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber
take
the family silver?
Time to get a new watchdog.
take
the family silver?
Time to get a new watchdog.
Jokes number : 90
While proudly showing off his new
apartment
to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is
the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends
asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it
work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said then proceeded to
give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the
hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
apartment
to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is
the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends
asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it
work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said then proceeded to
give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the
hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
Jokes number : 87
Why is the time in the USA behind that of England
?
Because England was discovered before the USA !
?
Because England was discovered before the USA !
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Jokes number : 86
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he
gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What
time
was it?
A quarter to three.
gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What
time
was it?
A quarter to three.
Jokes number : 82
What kind of watch is best for people who don't
like
time on their hands?
A pocket watch.
like
time on their hands?
A pocket watch.
Jokes number : 81
Julie: What time is it?
Counsellor: Three
o'clock.
Julie: Oh,no!
Counsellor: What's the matter?
Julie:
I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a
different
answer!
Counsellor: Three
o'clock.
Julie: Oh,no!
Counsellor: What's the matter?
Julie:
I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a
different
answer!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Jokes number : 78
The proud owner of an impressive new clock was
showing it off to a
friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14
days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how
long will it go if you do
wind it ?'
showing it off to a
friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14
days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how
long will it go if you do
wind it ?'
Jokes number : 77
'I hope you're not one of those boys who
sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new
boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at
three-fifteen.'
sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new
boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at
three-fifteen.'
Jokes number : 75
For a weddin' present
Ledbetter gave his son
Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him,
"W'atcha
do with the money, son?"
"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!"
answered the boy.
"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew
should 'av bought
yoreself a rifle!"
"A rifle? What fer?"
"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid
yore
wife," explained the older redneck.
"W'atcha gonna
do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
Ledbetter gave his son
Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him,
"W'atcha
do with the money, son?"
"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!"
answered the boy.
"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew
should 'av bought
yoreself a rifle!"
"A rifle? What fer?"
"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid
yore
wife," explained the older redneck.
"W'atcha gonna
do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
Jokes number : 74
Customer: I'd like a watch that tells
time.
Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?
Customer: No, you
have to look at it.
time.
Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?
Customer: No, you
have to look at it.
Jokes number : 71
That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his
ears is when he eats watermelon.
ears is when he eats watermelon.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Jokes number : 69
How that we are engaged I hope you'll give
me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number ?
me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number ?
Jokes number : 64
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of
a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell
who is speaking or
where the voices are coming from?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And
when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the
patient, "when I answer the telephone."
a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell
who is speaking or
where the voices are coming from?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And
when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the
patient, "when I answer the telephone."
Monday, February 18, 2013
Jokes number : 56
What happened to the little frog who sat on
the telephone?
He grew up to be a bellhop!
the telephone?
He grew up to be a bellhop!
Jokes number : 55
How can you tell if someone who's having a
temper tantrum is on the phone?
You get a tizzy signal!
temper tantrum is on the phone?
You get a tizzy signal!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Jokes number : 54
How can you tell if someone who's just had
a perm is on the phone?
You get a frizzy signal!
a perm is on the phone?
You get a frizzy signal!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Jokes number : 44
What do you get if you cross a telephone
with a fat football player?
A wide receiver.
with a fat football player?
A wide receiver.
Jokes number : 43
Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is
so
stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take
something for
that cold.
Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest
of the day off!
so
stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take
something for
that cold.
Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest
of the day off!
Jokes number : 40
Hello, police? Please send an officer over
to 324 London Road
right away!
Sorry, this isn't the police
station. It's the Delicatessen.
Oh. Well, in that case, please send
over a pastrami sandwich!
to 324 London Road
right away!
Sorry, this isn't the police
station. It's the Delicatessen.
Oh. Well, in that case, please send
over a pastrami sandwich!
Jokes number : 39
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know
what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls
any
longer!
Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are
long enough
already!
what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls
any
longer!
Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are
long enough
already!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Jokes number : 38
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an
ambulance!
Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
ambulance!
Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
Jokes number : 37
Party Host: Hello?
Phone Caller: I'm
trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please
ask if anybody at your party knows her?
Party Host: I'd be glad
to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but
does anybody know Ima
Nidiot?
Phone Caller: I'm
trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please
ask if anybody at your party knows her?
Party Host: I'd be glad
to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but
does anybody know Ima
Nidiot?
Jokes number : 34
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my
boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?
Operator: No, but
if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along
with you.
boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?
Operator: No, but
if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along
with you.
Jokes number : 32
What do you get if you cross a pig and a
telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !
telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Jokes number : 30
What do you call a telephone call from
one vicar to another ?
A parson to parson call !
one vicar to another ?
A parson to parson call !
Jokes number : 26
Why did the girl who worked for the
telephone company
sing all the time?
Because she was an operetta
(operator).
telephone company
sing all the time?
Because she was an operetta
(operator).
Jokes number : 23
What happened when the slave put his head into a
lions
mouth to count how many teeth he had ?
The lion closed its
mouth to see how many heads the slave had !
lions
mouth to count how many teeth he had ?
The lion closed its
mouth to see how many heads the slave had !
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Jokes number : 19
What game do you play if you don't take care of
your teeth?
Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
your teeth?
Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Jokes number : 13
Harry was madly in love with Betty, but
couldn't pluck up enough
courage to pop the question face to face.
Finally he decided to ask her on
the telephone. 'Darling!' he
blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,'
she replied, 'who is it
speaking?'
couldn't pluck up enough
courage to pop the question face to face.
Finally he decided to ask her on
the telephone. 'Darling!' he
blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,'
she replied, 'who is it
speaking?'
Jokes number : 12
A man and a couple of
his friends had
just finished a round of golf at the country club and
they were
changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The
man picked
it up and answered it.
"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.
"Hi honey," replied the man.
"I was just calling to
tell you about this fur coat I found today.
It's beautiful fox fur
and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on
sale too, a real
bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get
it?"
The
man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a
good
deal?"
"Oh yes," replied the woman.
"Okay then, I guess
you can get it," replied the man.
The woman continued,"Oh, and
you know how we've been thinking about
getting rid of the Lexus
and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the
dealership today and
the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower
the price from
$50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"
The man
thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good
deal, then
yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
The woman continued again.
"Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that
house we saw last month
that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and
think about? Well,
it's on the market again, so I checked the price.
It's down to
$450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in
the
checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get
it?"
The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them
down
to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."
The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so
much! I'll
see you when I get home! Bye!"
"Bye," said the man.
He hung up the phone and looked at the other men
in the locker room
and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this
is?"
his friends had
just finished a round of golf at the country club and
they were
changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The
man picked
it up and answered it.
"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.
"Hi honey," replied the man.
"I was just calling to
tell you about this fur coat I found today.
It's beautiful fox fur
and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on
sale too, a real
bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get
it?"
The
man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a
good
deal?"
"Oh yes," replied the woman.
"Okay then, I guess
you can get it," replied the man.
The woman continued,"Oh, and
you know how we've been thinking about
getting rid of the Lexus
and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the
dealership today and
the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower
the price from
$50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"
The man
thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good
deal, then
yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
The woman continued again.
"Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that
house we saw last month
that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and
think about? Well,
it's on the market again, so I checked the price.
It's down to
$450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in
the
checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get
it?"
The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them
down
to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."
The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so
much! I'll
see you when I get home! Bye!"
"Bye," said the man.
He hung up the phone and looked at the other men
in the locker room
and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this
is?"
Jokes number : 11
Kelso met Hensley on the
street. "Hey!"
said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you
call me
on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said
Hensley. "I
know," said Kelso. "But you do!"
street. "Hey!"
said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you
call me
on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said
Hensley. "I
know," said Kelso. "But you do!"
Jokes number : 10
Moody was
awakened by the telephone at
four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy,
Crumm, calling long
distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?"
asked Moody. "Are you in
trouble?" "No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?" "Nothing!"
"Then how come you are
calling me in the middle of the night?"
asked Moody. "Cause!" said the
other redneck, "the rates is
cheaper!"
awakened by the telephone at
four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy,
Crumm, calling long
distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?"
asked Moody. "Are you in
trouble?" "No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?" "Nothing!"
"Then how come you are
calling me in the middle of the night?"
asked Moody. "Cause!" said the
other redneck, "the rates is
cheaper!"
Jokes number : 9
The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang
one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long
distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!"
answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"
one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long
distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!"
answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"
Jokes number : 8
Mother: Why was the phone busy all
night?
Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
night?
Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
Jokes number : 7
The new office-boy came
into his boss's
office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone,
sir."
"What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.
"Well, sir, the
phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that
you, you old
fool?"
into his boss's
office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone,
sir."
"What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.
"Well, sir, the
phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that
you, you old
fool?"
Monday, February 11, 2013
Jokes number : 6
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone
cut off?
Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
cut off?
Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
Jokes number : 5
Who was that on the phone, Fred?
Fred:
No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance
from
Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down
!
Fred:
No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance
from
Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down
!
Jokes number : 3
Willie: "I have an awful
toothache."
Tommie: "I'd have it taken out if it was mine."
Willie: "Yes, if it was
yours, I would, too."
toothache."
Tommie: "I'd have it taken out if it was mine."
Willie: "Yes, if it was
yours, I would, too."
Monday, February 4, 2013
Jokes number : 49
Two men were walking home after a Halloween
party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise
coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with
fear, they found an old
man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away
at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said
after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought
you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man
grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise
coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with
fear, they found an old
man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away
at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said
after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought
you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man
grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Jokes number : 48
"Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck
mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell
his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the
friend. "Bob."
mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell
his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the
friend. "Bob."
Jokes number : 47
Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi?
Redneck: Which one? The river or the
state?
Redneck: Which one? The river or the
state?
Jokes number : 46
A Hoosier, a Kentuckian and
a West
Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them
to
complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..." The Indianan
said, "Old
MacDonald had a carburetor." "Sorry," said the MC. "That's
incorrect." "Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian.
"Wrong,"
said the host.
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian.
"That's
correct!" shouted the MC. "Now for $200,000, spell farm."
The West
Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully:
"E-I-E-I-O."
a West
Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them
to
complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..." The Indianan
said, "Old
MacDonald had a carburetor." "Sorry," said the MC. "That's
incorrect." "Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian.
"Wrong,"
said the host.
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian.
"That's
correct!" shouted the MC. "Now for $200,000, spell farm."
The West
Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully:
"E-I-E-I-O."
Jokes number : 45
Early Texas governors were not very well
educated. There was once a
chief executive who thought "grammar" was
his father's mother.
On one occasion this governor went hunting
and forgot his gun. He
phoned his secretary and asked him to send
the gun.
"The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I
couldn't
catch that last word. Spell it."
The governor
replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion;
'N' like in
pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"
educated. There was once a
chief executive who thought "grammar" was
his father's mother.
On one occasion this governor went hunting
and forgot his gun. He
phoned his secretary and asked him to send
the gun.
"The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I
couldn't
catch that last word. Spell it."
The governor
replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion;
'N' like in
pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"
Jokes number : 44
"I gotta 'A' in
spelling," Tony told
his father.
"You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in
'spelling'!"
spelling," Tony told
his father.
"You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in
'spelling'!"
Jokes number : 43
Daughter: I will never learn to
spell.
Mother: Why?
Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
spell.
Mother: Why?
Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Jokes number : 42
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day
Bob
went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied,
"What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will
beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float.
This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you
get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
Bob
went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied,
"What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will
beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float.
This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you
get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
Jokes number : 40
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad
skydiver goes, "Damn."
WHACK!
and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad
skydiver goes, "Damn."
WHACK!
Jokes number : 38
How many
Man U. fans does it take to change
a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down
to Kent to pick
him/her up.
Man U. fans does it take to change
a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down
to Kent to pick
him/her up.
Jokes number : 37
Q: What's the difference
between David
Beckham and an airplane model kit?
A: One's a glueless kit and the
other's a clueless git!
between David
Beckham and an airplane model kit?
A: One's a glueless kit and the
other's a clueless git!
Jokes number : 36
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool
football
and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
football
and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Jokes number : 31
Did you hear about the football team who ate
too much pudding ?
They got jellygated !
too much pudding ?
They got jellygated !
Friday, February 1, 2013
Jokes number : 26
Why are
football grounds odd ?
Because
you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !
football grounds odd ?
Because
you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !
Jokes number : 25
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot
finish bottom ?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How ?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league
!
finish bottom ?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How ?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league
!
Jokes number : 24
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I finished it in
three days !
What
happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I finished it in
three days !
Jokes number : 22
Why were the two managers sitting
around
sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw
!
around
sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw
!
Jokes number : 21
Why do managers bring suitcases
along to
away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !
along to
away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !
Jokes number : 20
How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)