Jokes number : 57

A religious man is on top of a roof

during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get

in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause "God
will grant him a
miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, "I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter."

Jokes number : 56

A cat and a mouse died on the same

day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them

'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'

Jokes number : 55

A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.


The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.


Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'

Jokes number : 54

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of

kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few
moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for

travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few
moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a
Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?"

Jokes number : 53

This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.


"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each

week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf

courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".


Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.

"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."

With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"

Jokes number : 52

Three men die and go to heaven and

queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of

money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?

Roger:
60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a

living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?

Jokes number : 51

So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.

"Wow!"
the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The
man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl

singer."

Jokes number : 50

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand
it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck."

Jokes number : 49

Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This
reminds me of
Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the
other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'"

Jokes number : 48

Three people die, a Doctor a school
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would

do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go
in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught

educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may
go
in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.'

Jokes number : 47

One day while walking down the street

a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.


"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.



So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.


"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and
smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff."

Jokes number : 46

President Clinton died and knocked at
the
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.


"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"


Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."

After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon

entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze

over."

Jokes number : 45

A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'


'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the

hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the

Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the

referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

Jokes number : 44

There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for

his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he

began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with

him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.

The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel

reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take

one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase

and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to

greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"

Jokes number : 43

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St.
Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says,
"Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very

quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the
gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
here.

Jokes number : 42

One day at the entrance to heaven, St.

Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,
"God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do

I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New
Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Jokes number : 41

Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.

This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of

womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

Jokes number : 40

Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!" Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man
said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Jokes number : 39

Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.


St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.

"That's right! You may
enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Jokes number : 38

This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the
next
room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
"Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!"

Jokes number : 37

St. Peter is questioning three married

couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he
answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you

even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."

Jokes number : 36

Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"

"They're
Carol's."

Jokes number : 35

Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.

They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."

The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's

moving!"

Jokes number : 34

Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find

his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil

over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan

agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.


"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?"
replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered
God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a
lawyer?"

Jokes number : 33

A fellow finds himself in front of

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in

heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.

Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter

was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".


"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?


"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Jokes number : 32

Two men died and went to Heaven. St.

Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy,
"I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!"

"No
problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And
what
do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like
to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"

Jokes number : 31

What did King Arthur sleep with when he was

afraid of the dark?
A knight light

Jokes number : 30

Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies?
A:
In his sleevies!

Jokes number : 29

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies

quiet?
Egyptian dummies.

Jokes number : 28

What do Alexander the
Great and Winnie the
Pooh have in common ?
They both have 'the' as their middle names
!

Jokes number : 27

What does the 1286BC incribed on
the
mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the car that ran him over
!

Jokes number : 26

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party
?
I don't know, I wasn't invited !

Jokes number : 25

When crossing the Delaware River why did
George Washington
stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat
down that someone would give him an oar to
row !

Jokes number : 24

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he

had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got
up earlier and caught the school bus like
everyone else !

Jokes number : 23

Do you know the 20th President of the United

States ?
No, we were never introduced !

Jokes number : 22

How did you do in
your tests ?
I did
what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history
!

Jokes number : 21

You've
failed history again !
Well you
always told me to let bygones be bygones !

Jokes number : 20

Why did the pioneers cross
the country in
covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a
train !

Jokes number : 19

Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia
?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family ?
Didn't you say
there was a quack in it !

Jokes number : 18

What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years

old ?
A year older on his birthday !

Jokes number : 17

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships
?
With their eyes shut !

Jokes number : 16

What did Paul Revere say
when he got on
his horse?
Giddy up horsey !

Jokes number : 15

The Spanish explorers went round the world in
a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile !

Jokes number : 14

What do history teachers make when they want

to get together ?
Dates !

Jokes number : 13

My teacher
reminds me of history

She's always repeating herself !

Jokes number : 12

I'm learning ancient history ?
So am I,
lets go for a walk and talk over old times !

Jokes number : 11

Where was the Magna Carta signed ?
At the
bottom !

Jokes number : 10

What was the first think Queen
Elizabeth
did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !

Jokes number : 9

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?
He
liked to chop and change !

Jokes number : 8

Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince
?
Old King Coal !

Jokes number : 7

What famous chiropodist ruled England
?
William the Corn-cutter!

Jokes number : 6

What English King invented
the fireplace
?
Alfred the grate !

Jokes number : 5

When were King Arthur's army too tired to
fight
?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !

Jokes number : 4

What was Camelot famous for ?
It's knight
life !

Jokes number : 3

What was Camelot ?
A place where people
parked their camels !

Jokes number : 2

What was King Arthur's favourite game
?
Knights and crosses !

Jokes number : 1

Who invented King Arthur's round table

?
Sir Circumference !

Jokes number : 100

Why did Arthur have a round
table ?
So
no one could corner him !

Jokes number : 99

Why were the early days of history called the

dark ages ?
Because there were so many knights !

Jokes number : 98

What did Caesar say to
Cleopatra
?
Toga-ether we can rule the world !

Jokes number : 97

Why did the Romans build
straight roads
?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend !

Jokes number : 96

When did Caesar reign ?
I didn't know he
reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?

Jokes number : 95

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders,
who
supported Atlas ?
His wife !

Jokes number : 94

Who succeeded the first President of the USA
?
The second one !

Jokes number : 93

Why does history keep repeating itself
?
Because we weren't listening the first time !

Jokes number : 92

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to

America ?
On their feet !

Jokes number : 91

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?
He
wanted Mark Antony !

Jokes number : 90

What was the greatest
accomplishment of
the early Romans ?
Speaking Latin !

Jokes number : 89

Why did the Pilgrims create
Thanksgiving?
They wanted another excuse to watch football.

Jokes number : 88

There are three ways a
man wears his
hair - parted- unparted or departed

Jokes number : 87

A guy walks in to the
Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That's
how you cut it last time"

Jokes number : 86

A woman was cutting her husband's

thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.

She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious

qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.

"And more hair than Dad," added their son.

Jokes number : 85

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their

hair?

A: It matches their mustaches.

Jokes number : 84

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl

answered, "It's natural."

The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, "How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?"


Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."

Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get
such cool
green hair?"

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, "It's natural."

Jokes number : 83

What do you call a
proton with big
hair?
A 'froton.

Jokes number : 82

Why do polo bears like bald men ?

Because they have a great, white, bear place !

Jokes number : 81

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Barber
!
Barber who ?
Barberd wire !

Jokes number : 80

What side of a monster has more hair
?
The outside !

Jokes number : 79

How does a barber make phone calls?

He cuts them short.

Jokes number : 78

What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser and a bucket
of cement ?
Permanent waves !

Jokes number : 77

What do you get if you cross a wireless
with a
hairdresser ?
Radio waves !

Jokes number : 76

What do you call a policeman with blonde
hair ?
A fair cop !

Jokes number : 75

What do you call a pen with no hair
?
A bald point !

Jokes number : 74

I want a hair cut please.
Certainly,
which one !

Jokes number : 73

What kind of hair do oceans have
?
Wavy !

Jokes number : 72

What should you buy if your
hair
falls out ?
A good vacuum cleaner !

Jokes number : 71

Why did the bald man put a rabbit
on
his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).

Jokes number : 70

Why was the lady's hair
angry?
Because she was always teasing it.

Jokes number : 69

How can you avoid falling hair?
Get
out of the way.

Jokes number : 68

If the Pilgrims came over on the
Mayflower, how did the
barbers arrive?
On clipper ships.

Jokes number : 67

For what person do all men take off
their hats?
The barber.

Jokes number : 66

What do you call a high-priced barber
shop?
A clip joint.

Jokes number : 65

Who never gets his hair wet in the

shower? A bald man.

Jokes number : 64

Karen: Have you noticed
that Daddy
is getting taller ?
Sharon: No, why ?
Karen: His head is sticking
through his hair.

Jokes number : 63

Customer: Why is my hairline

receding?
Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.

Jokes number : 62

Customer: Why doesn't my
hairline
look good?
Barber: It's on the same old head.

Jokes number : 61

Customer: Why did
you take off so
much hair?
Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.

Jokes number : 60

Customer: Couldn't you see I was going

bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

Jokes number : 59

What do you get if you cross a

hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.

Jokes number : 58

Is that your face or are you
wearing
your hair back to front today?

Jokes number : 57

Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair

all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!

Jokes number : 56

Teacher: I see
you don't cut your
hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.

Jokes number : 55

Janet came home from school and asked

her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.

"No," said Mom. "It's glue."
"I thought so," said Janet.
"I
wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."

Jokes number : 54

When can you dive in a swimming pool and
not
get your hair wet ?
When your bald !

Jokes number : 53

Why did the bald man go outside ?
To
get some fresh hair !

Jokes number : 52

Doctor, Doctor my
hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?
Yes, here is a paper
bag !

Jokes number : 51

Barber: Were
you wearing a red scarf
when you came in? Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have
cut your throat.

Jokes number : 50

My barber is a specialist in road map

shaves.
How come?
When he's finished, your face is full of
short cuts.

Jokes number : 49

Barber: And how
old are you, little
man?
Fred: Eight.
Barber: And do you want a haircut?
Fred:
Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!

Jokes number : 48

Barber: Your hair is getting grey,

Sir.
Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?

Jokes number : 47

Why does a barber never shave a man with
a
wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.

Jokes number : 46

What's a barber's favourite kind of
holiday?
Cruising on a clipper.

Jokes number : 45

How much for a haircut?
Barber:
Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.

Right - shave my head.

Jokes number : 44

A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an
empty
chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked the barber.
"No, just
change the oil, please!"

Jokes number : 43

A man sitting in a barber's
chair
noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented

on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a

shampoo yet."

Jokes number : 42

Why do barbers make good drivers?

Because they know all the short cuts.

Jokes number : 41

Why do bald-headed men never use
keys?
Because they've lost their locks.

Jokes number : 40

Doctor, doctor, can you give me

something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?

Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one
will come near enough to notice
you're bald.

Jokes number : 39

What's your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

Jokes number : 38

America's
oldest lady was 115 years
old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her
head.
How
come?
She's completely bald.

Jokes number : 37

Look at that bald man over there.

It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.

Jokes number : 36

What do you call
an English teacher,
five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils
and totally bald?

Sir!

Jokes number : 35

First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch

and didn't turn a hair!
Second boy: I'm not surprised - your
dad's bald!

Jokes number : 34

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat

on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe
shine." The barber
began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen

knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young
lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."


She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.


The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay

you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one
shaving you."

Jokes number : 33

Your so bald your bald

Jokes number : 32

I had a dream you were a tire last
night. I woke up and you were
bald.

Jokes number : 31

Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you
for a green
rabbit.

Jokes number : 30

a guy was teased everywhere of his

totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that
he
should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest
statue and
shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM
TALLER
THAN MY HAIR!'

Jokes number : 29

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU
WHERE A
TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

Jokes number : 28

After accepting an
invitation to
dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants
to
lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a

handsome face and room for another one."

Jokes number : 27

The Sunday
School teacher asked if
any of the children's parents had quoted from
the Bible in the past
week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up,
"My daddy doesn't
have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put
hair on everything
that he was ashamed of."

Jokes number : 26

Your so bald, I can see what your
thinking.

Jokes number : 25

Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg

gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about
his
appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he
gets
there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would
rather cover
his head and leg with a costume instead instead of
exploiting his
apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a
lifeguard costume.
The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg
leg. I can't hide it
with that. Try again." So the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
monk costume And again the man says, "No,
no. I can't wear that. It
will make people notice my head."
Obviously pissed off, the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to
the man and says, "Here. Just take
this." Confused, the man says,
"What am I suposed to do with a bag
of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner
says, "Take home this
bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over
your body, stick
that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a
caramel
apple."

Jokes number : 24

What kind of make up was the girl wearing on

Halloween?
Mash-scara!

Jokes number : 23

What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on
Halloween?
A trick-or-fleat!

Jokes number : 22

Q: What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for

Halloween?
A: Dead.

Jokes number : 21

Who turns the lights off at halloween
?
The light's witch !

Jokes number : 20

At 5 P.M. one Halloween afternoon, my dental

hygienist realized that she wouldn't make it to the store in time
to
get snacks for trick-or-treaters. So she took home some free
samples
from the office supply cabinet. That night she handed out
dozens of
toothbrushes, toothpaste, and dental floss. The next year,
although she had
bags of chips and popcorn, not one child came
knocking at her
door.

Jokes number : 19

What do rednecks do on
Halloween?
Pump-kin!

Jokes number : 18

What kind of protozoa likes

Halloween?
An amoeboo!

Jokes number : 17

Why aren't burgers the
least bit scared
of Halloween?
They're used to people 'goblin' them!

Jokes number : 16

Why is the air so clean and healthy on
Halloween?
Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.

Jokes number : 15

How do you get the most apples when bobbing

at Halloween
Wear a snorkel !

Jokes number : 14

What do
stupid kids do at Halloween
?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins !

Jokes number : 13

What do witches eat at Halloween
?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie !

Jokes number : 12

What is a childs's favourite type of
Halloween candy?
Lots a candy.

Jokes number : 11

What did the ghost serve at his Halloween

party?
Hallowieners!

Jokes number : 10

How do zombies celebrate Halloween?
They
paint the town dead!

Jokes number : 9

What would you get if you crossed Halloween
with
Christmas?
A ghoul Yule!

Jokes number : 8

Where's the most dangerous place to go

trick-or-treating?
On the psycho path!

Jokes number : 7

Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass

skirts?
Because it was Hulaween!

Jokes number : 6

What would you get if you
crossed
Halloween with Independence Day?
The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!

Jokes number : 5

Girl 1: "Can I invite a few friends to your

Halloween party?"
Girl 2: "Sure. The more, the scarier!"

Jokes number : 4

What do birds say on Halloween?

"Trick-or-tweet!"

Jokes number : 3

What do fishermen say
on Halloween?

"Trick-or-trout!"

Jokes number : 2

What happened when the girl dressed as
a
spoon left the Halloween party ?
No one moved. They couldn't stir
without her.

Jokes number : 1

Why did the boy carry a clock and a
bird
on Halloween ?
It was for 'tick or tweet' !

Jokes number : 100

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet

over his head.
'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his
friends
'No, I'm an undercover agent".

Jokes number : 99

Q: What do little trees say
on
Halloween? A: Twig or treat.

Jokes number : 98

Q: What do
birds give out on Halloween?
A: Tweets.

Jokes number : 97

One Halloween this woman opens her
door
to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly
hair
and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was
just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say
sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or
Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her
husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead
honey say it
just one more time."

Once again the little
Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with
his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman
picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and
drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel
looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot
lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

Jokes number : 96

A Toledo man was
admitted to the city
hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for
French fries
at a Halloween party.

Jokes number : 95

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet

over his head.
"Are you here as a ghost?" asked his friends.

"No," he replied, "I'm an unmade bed."
Another boy wore a sheet
over his head.
"Are you an unmade bed?" asked his friends.
"No,
I'm an undercover agent," he replied.

Jokes number : 94

Why is the air so clean and
healthy on
Halloween?
Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.

Jokes number : 93

Doctor, doctor, I'm so ugly. What can I do

about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.

Jokes number : 92

Where do ghoulies
go to on the day
before Halloween party?
To the boo-ty parlour.

Jokes number : 91

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for
the best costume at
the Halloween party?
Because he just came
to pick up his little sister.

Jokes number : 90

What happened when the girl dressed as a

spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir
without
her.

Jokes number : 89

Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece

of raw meat on his head?
A. He thought he was a gorilla.
(griller)!

Jokes number : 88

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A:
They have big fingers.

Jokes number : 87

A gorilla was
walking through the jungle
when he came across a deer eating grass in a
clearing. The gorilla
roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer
replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he
came across a zebra drinking at
a water hole. The gorilla roared,
'Who is the king of the jungle?'
and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you
are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across
an elephant. 'Who
is the king of the jungle?' he roared.


With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on

him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay,

okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the

answer.'

Jokes number : 86

Why do primates do so
well in show
biz?
Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!

Jokes number : 85

Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape

money?
It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!

Jokes number : 84

Why do waiters
like Gorillas better than
flies?
Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a
Gorilla in
my soup!'

Jokes number : 83

Why do the Gorillas
like Jimmy
Carter?
They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!

Jokes number : 82

Why do Apes
love to go to school in bad
neighbourhoods?
They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!

Jokes number : 81

Why do Apes like tall buildings?
They want
to climb the heights of the business world!

Jokes number : 80

Why do apes climb to the tops of
buildings?
The elevator men are on strike!

Jokes number : 79

Why did the Gorilla visit Italy?
An
advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!

Jokes number : 78

Why did the Gorilla fail English?
He had
little Ape-titude!

Jokes number : 77

Why did the
Gorilla enlist in the ragged
continental army?
To avoid the draft!

Jokes number : 76

Why did the
girl Gorilla, engaged to the
invisible man, call off the wedding?
Because in the last analysis she
just couldn't see it!

Jokes number : 75

Why did the Ape jump off the building?
He
wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!

Jokes number : 74

Why did the
actor fire his Gorilla
agent?
The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!

Jokes number : 73

Why did both Germany and the U.S
want to
hire Apes during World War Two?
Because they are excellent at waging
Gorilla warfare!

Jokes number : 72

Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher
make it
in the major leagues?
His balk was worse than his bite!

Jokes number : 71

Why are Gorillas underpaid?
They're
willing to work peanuts!

Jokes number : 70

Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of

recent years?
Hairy Truman!

Jokes number : 69

Who is the Gorillas' favourite

playwright?
Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'

Jokes number : 68

Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire
most?
Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!

Jokes number : 67

Which two names figure prominently in every
Ape's
diet?
Ben/Anna!

Jokes number : 66

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from
another
animal when it gets romantic?
The bear hug!

Jokes number : 65

Which song title makes an Ape
heartsick?
Gorilla My Dreams!

Jokes number : 64

Which operetta make the Gorilla
crack
up?
Nutty Marietta!

Jokes number : 63

Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb?
A
fiend in need is a fiend indeed!

Jokes number : 62

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
An
ape-ricot sour!

Jokes number : 61

Which city holds the record for the most
suicides
committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall
building?
Fall-adelphia!

Jokes number : 60

Which book makes prudish Gorillas
blush?
The Naked Ape!

Jokes number : 59

Which author do the Gorillas love

most?
Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'

Jokes number : 58

Where did the
Gorilla play baseball?
In
the bush leagues,of course!

Jokes number : 57

When the
lumberjacks sawed down the tree,
where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost
branches
land?
Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!

Jokes number : 56

When did the Gorillas start to picket
the
cookie factory?
The day they started to manufacture animal
crackers!

Jokes number : 55

What's hairy and flies through the
air?
Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!