Jokes number : 22

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next

to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans
over
to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The
Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The
Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the

answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know

the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep.The
Engineer, now somewhat
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if
I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the
Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the
firs
t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"


The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls

out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now,
it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up
a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer
looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer
and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After
about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The

Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to

sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Programmer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a
word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Engineer
a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Jokes number : 21

As most technophiles are aware, there are

special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to

perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology
Without
An Interesting Name."

Jokes number : 20

Q: What's the
difference between a car
salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car
salesman can probably
drive!

Jokes number : 19

Jesus and Satan got into an
argument over
which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally
God got
tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a
contest
between them. They each had four hours to write the best program

they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both
got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines
and lines of
code. But just before the four hours were up there was a
flash of
lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights
flickered, the
power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power
was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see
the
results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed

the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture

and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures
--
all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan wha
t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got
nothing, absolutely
nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost
it all
when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he
still
have such a great program?"

God replied, "Everybody knows --
Jesus Saves."

Jokes number : 18

Q.
What creature has the best aptitude for
engineering ?

A. The spider -- It has its own website.

Jokes number : 17

My computer made a funny sound the other
day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.

Jokes number : 16

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady
repute, the luckless
customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it
in to find it Dead On
Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the
usual things, he called the dealer and
explained his problem. First
question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
"Did you check to see
whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open
the cover and check whether any of the boards had
shaken loose in
shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling
me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty,"
pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there
is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty
when you opened
the cover."
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:
LSD and UNIX.

We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jokes number : 15

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for
me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced
his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her
head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her
house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was
adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid
off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has
termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was
bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my
door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be
with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery
yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But
please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY
COMPUTER!!!!!

AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th
floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for
the
Enter....

Jokes number : 14

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia

publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the

computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and
solved
the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after
him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T
error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten
T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it
again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-)

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten
T error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he
said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She
wrote...)

I D 1 0 T

Jokes number : 13

I overheard a woman in a
computer store
say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding
the
interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for
his
father to play, too."

Jokes number : 12

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited

to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three

important people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow
I will
destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called
together his cabinet and told them: "I have
two really bad news items for
you:
1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the
earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and
Congress and told
them: "I have good news and bad news:
1) The GOOD
news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is
going to destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft
and very happily announced: "I have
two fantastic
announcements:
1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year
2000 problem is solved."

Jokes number : 11

Q: How many programmers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that's a hardware problem.

Jokes number : 10

You
have just received the "Kentucky
Virus"!!!

As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus
works on
the honor system.

Please delete all the files on
your hard drive, and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your
mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Jokes number : 9

Q: How many Microsoft support
staff does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the
registration number of the light
bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried
rebooting it?", another to ask "Have
you tried reinstalling it?" and
the last one to say "It must be your
hardware because the light bulb
in our office works fine..."

Jokes number : 8

Q:
How many Microsoft executives does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation
and have therefore made no
provision for light bulbs to be
removed.

Jokes number : 7

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world
revolve around him.

Jokes number : 6

A programmer was walking along the beach when
he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated
"I am the most
powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any
wish you want, but only one
wish."

The programmer pulled out a
map of the Mediterranean area and said
"I'd like there to be a
just and last peace among the people in the
middle east."

The
genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been

fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this

is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a
programmer and my programs
have a lot of users. Please make all the
users satisfied with my programs,
and let them ask sensible
changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

Jokes number : 5

Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood
your instructions. Because to be
honest, boss, none of this Y to K
dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished
converting all the months on all the
company calendars so that the
year 2000 is ready to go with the following
improved months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of
the week, and they are now:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any
other Y to K? I am a fan of the
New York Yankees. Should I call
them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K
ready?

Jokes number : 4

There was once a
young man who, in his
youth, professed his desire to become a great
writer.

When
asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly

emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and

anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jokes number : 3

There was once a young man who,
in his
youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to
define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and

anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jokes number : 2

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a

Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

Jokes number : 1

Do you know what a mice said when
it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.

Jokes number : 100

"Will I ever be able to race my
horse again" the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly
will, and you'll probably beat her
too!"

Jokes number : 99

Does killing time damage

eternity?

Jokes number : 98

Why do you need a driver's
licence to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?

Jokes number : 97

Q: What is the pink stuff between

elephant's toes?
A: Slow clowns.

Jokes number : 96

A couple have not
been
getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a
cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her
disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he
doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a
birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last
year!"

Jokes number : 95

After my wife and her former best
buddy, another
Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief
means
of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both
owned computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.


Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,

then call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a
conversation about the contents!

Jokes number : 94

The desk
sergeant answered
the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've
got to help
me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's
pulling
apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the
apples?"
the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you

wouldn't believe me!"

Jokes number : 93

An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane
when
the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having

mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is

for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can
survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman
takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and
jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and

he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo" and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of
the plane.

Jokes number : 92

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew

Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were

lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up.
What do
you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."


"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we
will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you,
Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Jokes number : 91

A blind man walks into a store

with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and

begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the
man and
asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just
looking
around."

Jokes number : 90

Q: Why
don't blind people
skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Jokes number : 89

A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.

The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her

body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would

have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was
a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his
sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth
ing you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."


"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks

I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Jokes number : 88

One day there were two boys
playing by
a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to
it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the
bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second
boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally,
he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his
friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting
hard, so I ran."

Jokes number : 87

What do monkeys sing at Christmas

?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Jokes number : 86

A Texan walks into a pub in
Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to
see if I could do it first".

Jokes number : 85

A drunk stammers out of a bar and

runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus

Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus
Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.


The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''


The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the

bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''

Jokes number : 84

This guy
goes to the zoo one
day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind
swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the
guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid

means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the

victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he
purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large
sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo
and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and
a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a
party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it
on. Next, he picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in
half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at

the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Jokes number : 83

Little
Mary was not the best
student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One
day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and
jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the
teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue,
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked
Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn th
ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Jokes number : 82

Q: How do you know if a blonde

has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed
into the disk drive.

Jokes number : 81

A couple decided that the only

way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the
apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running
report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood
on the balcony
and reported on everything that was happening. "A
police car has just
called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are
taking delivery of a
new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex." Hearing this, the
boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do
you know the Mitchells are
having sex?" "Because their kid is
standing on the balcony too."

Jokes number : 80

Q. What does a woman's asshole
do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the
kids!

Jokes number : 79

Why are cigarettes sold at gas
stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Jokes number : 78

Do vampires get
AIDS?

Jokes number : 77

Why is it that at class reunions

you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Jokes number : 76

Three women are about to be

executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a
blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she

has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner
shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly
the brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws
themselves on the ground
while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the
executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the
executioner shouts, ''Ready!
Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,
''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is
startled and looks around for cover
while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The
guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
and the blonde yells,
''FIRE!!!'''

Jokes number : 75

Yo Momma is so
ugly that she
scares blind people!!!!

Jokes number : 74

"Mommy, all the kids at school
say I'm
a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut
up and comb your face."

Jokes number : 73

Why couldn't the
alligator
send e-mails on his PC?
Because it was on old croc.

Jokes number : 72

Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur

cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're
extinct)

Jokes number : 71

What did the really ugly man

do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks.

Jokes number : 70

Why are
teachers happy at
Halloween parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!

Jokes number : 69

How do you know when a
woman
is about to say something smart?

- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me..."

Jokes number : 68

Why do women have
smaller
feet than men?

- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Jokes number : 67

Three men: an editor, a

photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.

They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway
up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the
lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I would grant you three
wishes, but since
there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest
of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money
worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of
my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no
money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to
the
Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's
turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.


"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the

deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

Jokes number : 66

A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

Jokes number : 65

An accountant is having a hard

time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting
sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours

trying to find it."

Jokes number : 64

A husband and wife entered the

dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't
want
gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull
the tooth
as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said
the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth
it is."

The husband
turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist
which tooth it is, dear."

Jokes number : 63

A little boy walked
down the
aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would
take
two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between

the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would

put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step,
ROAR,
step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he
reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the
time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed back his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."

Jokes number : 62

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE

A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

Jokes number : 61

Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

Jokes number : 60

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in
the middle seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got
on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."

"No
problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone,
the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the

Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.

I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and
they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.


As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe
s
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must
this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in
cokes?"

Jokes number : 59

A Brit, a
Frenchman and a
Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the
Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be
British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman
disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."


"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only
an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are

Russian."

Jokes number : 58

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in

dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He
goes into the synagogue and begins to pray

"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the

lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the
synagogue.

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".

Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by
the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET"

Jokes number : 57

A minister gave a talk to the

Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."

Jokes number : 56

Read
more Apple jokes

Jokes number : 55

Read more Ant jokes

Jokes number : 54

Read more Answer me this jokes

Jokes number : 53

Read more
Accountant jokes

Jokes number : 52

Read more Aardvark jokes

Jokes number : 51

A man went to work for a zoo
veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he
asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.

Jokes number : 50

Father and son standing outside the elephant's
cage in the Moscow
Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here
long enough, one of them
will throw some food at us."

Jokes number : 49

The manager of a large city
zoo was drafting a
letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his
computer and typed
the following sentence: "I would like to place an
order for two
mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared
at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he
deleted
the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I
would
like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your

earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time
focusing on the new word,
which seemed just as odd as the original
one. Finally, he deleted the whole
sentence and started all over.
"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo
should be without a mongoose," he
typed. "Please send us two of
them."

Jokes number : 48

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang

was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In
surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was
my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Jokes number : 47

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the

zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a

ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the
zoo. A
twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence
was forty
feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high
do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said,
"About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the
gate at night!"

Jokes number : 46

Yo mama so poor she was in
K-Mart with a
box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said,
"Buying
luggage."

Jokes number : 45

Yo mama so poor your
family ate cereal
with a fork to save milk.

Jokes number : 44

Yo mama so poor
when I ring the doorbell
she says,"DING!"

Jokes number : 43

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay
attention!

Jokes number : 42

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can

down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said

"Moving."

Jokes number : 41

Q: How many Aquarians
does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: A hundred, but they'll all be
competing to be the
one to change the bulb and bring light to the
world.

Jokes number : 40

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Well, you
have to remember that everything is energy
so...

Jokes number : 39

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs.

(*smash*)

Jokes number : 38

Q: How
many Arians does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren't
afraid of the dark.

Jokes number : 37

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Jokes number : 36

What's worse than a
Male Chauvinist Pig?


- A woman that won't do what she's told.

Jokes number : 35

If your dog is
barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?


- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Jokes number : 34

How do you
fix a woman's watch?

- It
doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Jokes number : 33

How do you know when a
woman is about to say
something smart?

- She starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."

Jokes number : 32

Why do women have smaller feet than men?


- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Jokes number : 31

Why did the witch lose her
way?
Because
her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

Jokes number : 30

What happened to the witch with an upside down

nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

Jokes number : 29

How do warty witches keep
their hair out of
place?
With scare spray.

Jokes number : 28

Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of
her long black
hair?
She always wore long gloves to cover it
up.

Jokes number : 27

What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room

service.

Jokes number : 26

How do sheep keep warm in winter
?

Central bleating !

Jokes number : 25

What did Santa
Claus's wife say during a
thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'

Jokes number : 24

'You
never get anything right,'
complained the teacher. 'What kind of job
do you think you'll get when you
leave school ?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'

Jokes number : 23

Why did your sister cut a hole in her
new
umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped
raining.

Jokes number : 22

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park

near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across

(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and
Sir Edmund
Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube
stop. Whom
don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no
such thing as a
completely sunny day in England.

Jokes number : 21

Two attorneys went into a
diner and ordered
two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and
started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and
marched over
and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here!" The
attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then

exchanged sandwiches.

Jokes number : 20

Waiter,
waiter, do you have frog's
legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

Jokes number : 19

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st
customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the
glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one
asked for the clean glass?"

Jokes number : 18

A waiter brings the
customer the steak he
ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the
customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You
want it to fall on the floor
again?"

Jokes number : 17

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my
soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

Jokes number : 16

A vampire bat came flapping in from a
night of foraging, covered in
fresh blood. He parked himself on the
cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to
shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he
finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out
of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see
that tree over
there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Well I
didn't!"

Jokes number : 15

There are bats hanging of a branch

upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this

one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then
he
fainted.

Jokes number : 14

A lady was walking down the street to
work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
furious! She
stormed past the store to her work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same
parrot again said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she

would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,

"That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When
the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot

called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The
bird said, "You know."

Jokes number : 13

What animal do you look like when you
get
into the bath ?
A little bear !

Jokes number : 12

What do you call a gigantic polar
bear?
Nothing, you just run away!

Jokes number : 11

During my stay at an expensive hotel
in New York
City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an
upset stomach. I
called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the
charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "I know
I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six
crackers is ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice
to the other end cooly
explained. "I believe you are complaining
about your room number."

Jokes number : 10

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist

is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans

Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in
hell does that fit in here?" So
he walks into the shop and sees an
old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.

The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like 'Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks,
"Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right
here," replies the
old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"


"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to

this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front was
big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your
name?' He
say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh
at your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."

Jokes number : 9

A
fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a
soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole
two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along
behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the
other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men
worked
right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash

container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold
it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's
going on here
with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, "
one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the
other is filling it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Are
n't you wasting the county's
money?"

"You don't
understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping
his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt
back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick,
that don't
mean we can't work, does it?"

Jokes number : 8

A man was driving along
the
highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He

swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit

jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
as
well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and
got
out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit
was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of
the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what
was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I
accidently hit this rabbit and
killed it."

The woman told the man
not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two

humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned

around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet,

turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished.
He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your
spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned
the can around so
that the man could read the label. It
said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Jokes number : 7

A man wrote a letter to a small

hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He
wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is

well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep

him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came
from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for
many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch
for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Jokes number : 6

What is a vampire's
favourite soup
?
Scream of mushroom !

Jokes number : 5

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother
crashed
to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?

That the nail had come out of the wall.

Jokes number : 4

What is Dracula's favorite
fruit?

Neck-tarines.

Jokes number : 3

Did you hear about the
vampire who had an
eye for the ladies?
He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Jokes number : 2

Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He
wanted the circus to be in his blood.

Jokes number : 1

What time is it when you sit on a pin?
Spring
time.

Jokes number : 73

What do you call an overweight ET ?
An extra
cholesterol !

Jokes number : 72

What do you call an alien starship that drips

water?
A crying saucer !

Jokes number : 71

Where do Snowmen go to dance?
To
snowballs.

Jokes number : 70

What do Snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren.

Jokes number : 69

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over
their
baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!

Jokes number : 68

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a

snowman?
Frostbite.

Jokes number : 67

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the
Snowman?
Have an ice day!

Jokes number : 66

What do you do if you find a black mamba in your
toilet?
Wait until he's finished.

Jokes number : 65

What do you get if you cross a snake with a
hotdog? A
fangfurther.

Jokes number : 64

Q: What kind of snake is good at math?
A: An
adder.

Jokes number : 63

A old snake goes to see
his Doctor.


"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in

2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor
he's very
depressed.

Doc says, "What's the
problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just
discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years!"

Jokes number : 62

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st
one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves

around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we

the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are

poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"


The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Jokes number : 61

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!

You answer the easy ones and leave us with
the hard one!

Jokes number : 60

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best
teacher in
the school

Jokes number : 59

Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

Jokes number : 58

Teacher: Who can tell me where
Hadrians Wall
is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

Jokes number : 57

Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

Jokes number : 56

A
software manager, a hardware manager,
and a marketing manager are driving
to a meeting when a tire blows.
They get out of the car and look at the
problem.

The software
manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a
hardware
problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car
off and on
again, it would fix itself."

The marketing
manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship
it!"

Jokes number : 55

Two shoe salespeople were
sent to Africa
to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one
salesperson
called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next
flight.
Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the
other salesperson sent an email to the factory,
telling "The
prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

Jokes number : 54

A salesman was
demonstrating unbreakable
combs in a department store. He was impressing the
people who
stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of
torture and
stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he
bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.
Without missing a
beat, he bravely held up both halves of the
'unbreakable' comb for
everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and
gentlemen, is what an
unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

Jokes number : 53

How do salespeople traditionally greet each
other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Jokes number : 52

A salesman walking along the beach found a

bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will
grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since
Satan
still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as

well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while.
"For my first wish, I
would like ten million dollars," he
announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and
assured
the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has
just
received $20,000,000," the genie said.


"I've
always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari
appeared. "But your rival has just received two
Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've
always wanted to donate a kidney
for transplant."

Jokes number : 51

Did you hear about the new
restaurant on
the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Jokes number : 50

"What flavors of ice cream
do you have?"
inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,"
answered the new waitress in a
hoarse whisper.
Trying to be
sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have
laryngitis?"
"No...."
replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm....
vanilla,
strawberry, and chocolate."

Jokes number : 49

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered
fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the
other. One of the men said
to the other, "Please help yourself." The
other one said "Okay",
and helped himself to the larger fish. After
a tense silence, the first
one said, "really, now, if you had
offered me the first choice, I would
have taken the smaller fish!" The
other one replied, "What are you
complaining for; you have it,
don't you?"

Jokes number : 48

Three
couples are dining
together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The
English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The
[you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb

cow".

Jokes number : 47

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots
the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager
shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for
your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the
manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it
up!"

The manager opens
his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree
dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Jokes number : 46

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes
into the synagogue and begins to pray

"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the

lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the
synagogue.

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".

Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted
by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE,
BUY A DAMN TICKET"

Jokes number : 45

A
priest was called away for an
emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his
rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for
him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told
him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit
and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the confessional. In a
few minutes, a woman comes in and
says, 'Father, forgive me for I have
sinned.'

The priest
asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed
adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman
replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no
more.'

A few minutes later a man
enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
forgive me for I have
sinned.'

'What did you do?'

I committed adultery.'
r

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest
says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and
sin no
more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so
the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters
and says, 'Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.'

The
rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed
adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many
times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi said, 'Go and
do it two more times, We have a special this
week, three for
$5.'

Jokes number : 44

Old Mrs.
Watkins awoke one spring morning
to find that the river had flooded the
entire first floor of her
house. Looking out of her window, she saw
that the water was still
rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation
to row to
safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied.
"The Lord will
provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.

By
evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the

roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered

to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord

will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge
atop the chimney. When a
Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she
waved it on, shouting, "The
Lord will provide."

So the boat
left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and
thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates
and demande
d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out
loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

Jokes number : 43

A little girl spoke to her teacher about
whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a
human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very
small.

The little girl said, "But how can
that be? Jonah was swallowed by a
whale."

Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is
physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said,
"Well, when I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah."

To this, the
teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Jokes number : 42

A local priest and pastor stood by the side
of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself
around now before it's too late!"

They planned to
hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you
religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.

From around
the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said
one clergy
to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says
'bridge
out' instead?"

Jokes number : 41

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised

a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare!

Jokes number : 40

Did you hear about the egg
laden rabbit who
jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee!

Jokes number : 39

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a
watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.

Jokes number : 38

Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come
from?

Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
Baby Rabbit:
Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you
were pulled from a magician's
hat.

Jokes number : 37

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the

bee turned around and flew away. Why?
The rabbit had two b's
already.

Jokes number : 36

A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.


Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.


The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The
old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man
asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards
missing!"

Jokes number : 35

A
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.


"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years

on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes
dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off."

Jokes number : 34

A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
over he
says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have
you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?"

Jokes number : 33

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."


Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks
evasion."

Jokes number : 32

The Boston taxi driver backed into the
stationary
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.


"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are
you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......"

The
policeman paused with his pen in the air.

"Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
cab."

Jokes number : 31

When
toasting the holidays, Republicans
ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

Jokes number : 30

Democrats let
their kids open all the
gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until
Christmas morning.

Jokes number : 29

Democrats get back at the Republicans on
their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap
them and send them to in-laws.

Jokes number : 28

Republicans help the poor during
the
holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the

street.

Jokes number : 27

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"

Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Jokes number : 26

All our pigs are learning karate.
Oh, I don't
believe that
No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

Jokes number : 25

A
pig's favorite movie:
The Monster That
Ate New York.

Jokes number : 24

A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No
wonder
that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
"There's a bunch
of little pigs out there blowing her up!"

Jokes number : 23

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
...A
piiig

Jokes number : 22

Why did the pig go to the casino ?
To play the
slop machine !

Jokes number : 21

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came
out of
his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.


When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
with
the lawn mower."

Jokes number : 20

A man
and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first
child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped
the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was
curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got
home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it

was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come

back and see me."

Jokes number : 19

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"


"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Jokes number : 18

With four
daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was
hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household
supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any

item by writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT

DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I
found the
following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF
IT."'

Jokes number : 17

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by

eleven o'clock."

She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a
child!"

He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by
eleven."

Jokes number : 16

For the first time in many
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to

purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Jokes number : 15

An old
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: "I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
first?"

Patient: "Well, give
me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you."

Jokes number : 14

Three old ladies met on the street on a very
stormy
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
in
hearing each other.

"It's windy," said one.


"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"

Jokes number : 13

An elderly lady did her shopping and,
upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with

her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding

to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know

how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She

tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.

Jokes number : 12

Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her

rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll

Jokes number : 11

Q:
What is the difference between a saxophone
and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.

Jokes number : 10

Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and
one
says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last
night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my
fife."

Jokes number : 9

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a

perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Jokes number : 8

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so
the
saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.

Jokes number : 7

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a

mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Jokes number : 6

Q: How many Union
Lighting Technicians
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a
globe.

Jokes number : 5

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

Jokes number : 4

Q: How many
actors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I
could've done
that."

Jokes number : 3

How many film directors
does it take
to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two
times and when he's done,
everyone says that his last light bulb was
much better.

Jokes number : 2

A movie producer is lying by the pool at

the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of
excitement.
"How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.

"It went
great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct
for six
million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the
whole
picture for under fifty million."

"Fabulous," says the guy by
the pool.

"There's just one catch," his partner
warns.

"What's the catch?"

"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Jokes number : 1

Why do mice have long tails ?
Well, they'd
look silly with long hair !

Jokes number : 100

What kind of musical instrument do
mice play
?
A mouse organ !

Jokes number : 99

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?

'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty' !

Jokes number : 98

What do mice do when they're at
home ?

Mousework !

Jokes number : 97

One lab mouse to another:
I've trained that
crazy human at last.
How have you done that?
I don't know how,
but every time I run through that maze and ring the
bell, he gives
me a piece of cheese.

Jokes number : 96

How did Frankenstein's
monster eat his
lunch?
He bolted it down.

Jokes number : 95

What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.

Jokes number : 94

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?

Bolt upright.

Jokes number : 93

Did you hear about the monster who went to a
holiday camp? He
won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and
he wasn't even
entered.

Jokes number : 92

What brings the monster's babies? The

Frankenstork.

Jokes number : 91

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A

Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages
are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for
you?

Jokes number : 90

What do you get if you
cross a sorceress with
a millionaire?
A very witch person.

Jokes number : 89

A couple was having a discussion about what

to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it

weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied,
"My
dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in

Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any
"we" in the first place."

Jokes number : 88

A little boy
wanted $100 badly and prayed for
two weeks but nothing happened. Then he
decided to write a letter
to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it
to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and
amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a
$5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little
boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to
write a
thank-you note to the Lord. It said:


Dear
Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that

for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual,
those jerks deducted $95.

Jokes number : 87

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a

tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon

finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said
"Why did
you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied
"I was
afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Jokes number : 86

There was this General-in-training,
and his superioirs
were asking him questions "What happened on June 6,
1944?" "We
stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as
D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turining point of wordl war 2?" "Battle
of the bulge,
sir!" "What's is the importance of May 12" The Man
thought and
thought "I don't know, sir!" The superior then said
"Well, I'll tell
your wife that you forgot her birhtday"

Jokes number : 85

During an army basic training, the lieutenant
took the
batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had
answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong,
the army is now your
home".
Back at the barracks, he read the
evening duties, then asked the first
sergeant if he had anything to
say "you bet I do" the sergeant
replied, "men, while you were gone
today, I found beds improperly made,
clothes not hanging correctly,
shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.
Where do you think you
are? Home?

Jokes number : 84

A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do
you like
civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those
people around and nobody in
charge!"

Jokes number : 83

General Heath, a famous lover of
parade
music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a
symphonic
orchestra playing.
When asked about his impressions, he
commented:
"No military precision in drill..."
"Why?"
"Did you see those
violin players? They were moving their bows not in
cadence."

Jokes number : 82

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect

Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had
scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he
couldn't
find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He
threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away
-- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!


"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the

perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl
for the first time in
history.

The young Bosnian is lioni
zed as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother.


"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I
don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us.
You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!"
the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among
thousands of my adoring fans."

"No,
let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,

and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive
you
for making us move to Detroit."

Jokes number : 81

What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do
you say that?" while a psychologist will
say "Thank you for sharing
that with us."

Jokes number : 80

A psychologist is at
a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man comes up
behind him and
taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and
the man
hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes
himself
off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his
problem."

Jokes number : 79

A young woman
took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she
pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in
bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a

week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to

strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For
God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so
I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Jokes number : 78

A
psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter
Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He
turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your
child's
name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took
her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go
home."

Jokes number : 77

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on

couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --

everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the
world."

Jokes number : 76

Men are like government bonds.

They take so
long to mature.

Jokes number : 75

Men are like bike
helmets.

They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.