Jokes number : 14

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a
chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy
life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'


"Twenty-six," he said.

Jokes number : 13

There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
was
going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First
day I see".
The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
cards
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help

herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too." "That's okay.",
said the old man, "I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
of them
anyhow."

Jokes number : 12

Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the
third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Jokes number : 11

When
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.

Jokes number : 10

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass

surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and

diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!

Jokes number : 9

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Jokes number : 8

Worried because
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except
that she's angry at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
Timmy.

Jokes number : 7

Two
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!"

Mildred
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Jokes number : 6

The Senate is investigating
deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
never
see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.

Jokes number : 5

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down

to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
lap.

The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the
teeth."