What's the favourite flavour of
sharks?
Shark-o-late!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Jokes number : 88
Did you hear about the new shark food
restaurant
called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat
there!
restaurant
called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat
there!
Jokes number : 85
How do you shoot a great white shark?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue
shark spear gun!
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue
shark spear gun!
Jokes number : 84
If they made a movie starring the Loch
Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the
movie
be called?
Loch Jaws.
Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the
movie
be called?
Loch Jaws.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Jokes number : 78
What's wet and wiggly and says how do
you do sixteen
times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
you do sixteen
times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Jokes number : 74
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of
raspberry and lives in the seas?
A red jellyfish.
raspberry and lives in the seas?
A red jellyfish.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Jokes number : 66
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool
and
feed them fish !
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool
and
feed them fish !
Jokes number : 64
Which ghost sailed the seven seas
looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
Jokes number : 60
An old lady was considering buying a
squirrel fur
coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked
anxiously.
"Oh certainly, ma'am," said the manager smoothly.
"After all,
you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"
squirrel fur
coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked
anxiously.
"Oh certainly, ma'am," said the manager smoothly.
"After all,
you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"
Jokes number : 59
A snail starts a slow climb up the
trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help
laughing
and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples
on the
tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the
time I
get up there."
trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help
laughing
and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples
on the
tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the
time I
get up there."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Jokes number : 55
What did one slug say to another who
had hit him and
rushed off?
I'll get you next slime!
had hit him and
rushed off?
I'll get you next slime!
Jokes number : 52
There once was a baby
elephant and
a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no
reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail,
really
hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up,
is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when
the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders
up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the
turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the
giraffe asks. "When we both were babies,
that turtle bit my tail for
no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow!
You must have a good memory!"
exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!"
said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
elephant and
a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no
reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail,
really
hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up,
is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when
the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders
up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the
turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the
giraffe asks. "When we both were babies,
that turtle bit my tail for
no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow!
You must have a good memory!"
exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!"
said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
Jokes number : 51
Deep
within a forest a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort he reached the top,
jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the
ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the
female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I
think it's
time to tell him he's adopted."
within a forest a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort he reached the top,
jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the
ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the
female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I
think it's
time to tell him he's adopted."
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Jokes number : 50
A family of tortoises went into a cafe
for some ice
cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I
think it's going to rain. Junior, will you
pop home and fetch my
umbrella?"
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he
still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we
had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."
And a
voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."
for some ice
cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I
think it's going to rain. Junior, will you
pop home and fetch my
umbrella?"
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he
still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we
had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."
And a
voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."
Jokes number : 44
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog
with a giraffe ?
A long necked toothbrush !
with a giraffe ?
A long necked toothbrush !
Jokes number : 43
What has antlers, pulls Father
Christmas' sleigh and is made
of cement?
I don't know.
A
reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.
Christmas' sleigh and is made
of cement?
I don't know.
A
reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Jokes number : 41
What's the difference between a
reindeer
and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.
reindeer
and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.
Jokes number : 40
How would you get four reindeer
in
a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get
four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first
in
a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get
four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first
Jokes number : 37
A skunk family had two little skunks
they called In
and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk,
Father Skunk and
young Out spent hours looking for him, getting
more worried all the time.
In the end the parents went home to
have a cup of tea, but Out said
he'd continue searching for a while.
Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following
behind
him.
'However did you find him?' asked Father
Skunk.
'In-stinct,' replied Out.
they called In
and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk,
Father Skunk and
young Out spent hours looking for him, getting
more worried all the time.
In the end the parents went home to
have a cup of tea, but Out said
he'd continue searching for a while.
Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following
behind
him.
'However did you find him?' asked Father
Skunk.
'In-stinct,' replied Out.
Jokes number : 35
What happened to the skunk who failed
his swimming
lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool!
his swimming
lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Jokes number : 33
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and an owl?
A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
and an owl?
A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
Jokes number : 30
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven!
and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Jokes number : 22
Two skunks were being chased by a
bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we
do?"
"Let us spray!" replied the other.
bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we
do?"
"Let us spray!" replied the other.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Jokes number : 18
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a boomerang?
A smell that keeps coming back!
and a boomerang?
A smell that keeps coming back!
Jokes number : 11
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have
in common ?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
in common ?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Jokes number : 5
First Kangaroo: If you were
surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away
from
them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away
from
them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
Jokes number : 4
First Kangaroo: What do you call it
when
giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another
way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
when
giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another
way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
Jokes number : 3
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the
difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Second Kangaroo:
The elephant has a better memory.
difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Second Kangaroo:
The elephant has a better memory.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Jokes number : 2
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing
motor
cycle stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
motor
cycle stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Jokes number : 55
"I can't believe
it," said the
tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done
nothing but
rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to
say," replied the local. "Last year, it was
on a Wednesday."
it," said the
tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done
nothing but
rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to
say," replied the local. "Last year, it was
on a Wednesday."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Jokes number : 51
Two Yanks touring London in a taxi.
What is that
asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham
Palace answered the
taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have
much bigger houses
over there, and that. That is the Post Office
Tower. Oh our towers are
much bigger. This went on for much of the
day until they went past a
another building. Our buildings are much
bigger than that one too. I thought
it might be said the taxi
driver, That is the mental institute
What is that
asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham
Palace answered the
taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have
much bigger houses
over there, and that. That is the Post Office
Tower. Oh our towers are
much bigger. This went on for much of the
day until they went past a
another building. Our buildings are much
bigger than that one too. I thought
it might be said the taxi
driver, That is the mental institute
Jokes number : 50
Joan, who was rather
well-proportioned, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an
overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when
she heard someone running up the stairs. She
was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss,"
said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath
from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?"
Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed
man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
well-proportioned, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an
overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when
she heard someone running up the stairs. She
was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss,"
said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath
from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?"
Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed
man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
Jokes number : 49
A client called in inquiring about
a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to
Hawaii?"
a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to
Hawaii?"
Jokes number : 48
An American tourist
travelling
in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was
lucky
enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,
signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist
returned to Ireland and asked the antique
shop owner if he had any
more bargains. "I've got the very thing for
you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler!" shouted
the American. "You sold me that ten years
ago," and, producing the
skull, added, "Look, they're not even the
same size!"
"You
have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of
Saint
Patrick when he was a lad."
travelling
in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was
lucky
enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,
signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist
returned to Ireland and asked the antique
shop owner if he had any
more bargains. "I've got the very thing for
you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler!" shouted
the American. "You sold me that ten years
ago," and, producing the
skull, added, "Look, they're not even the
same size!"
"You
have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of
Saint
Patrick when he was a lad."
Jokes number : 47
A boat
docked in a tiny Mexican
village. An American tourist complimented the
Mexican fisherman on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch
them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why
didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
tourist.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his
needs and those of his family.
The tourist asked, "So
what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, spend time with
my wife... In the
evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have
a few drinks,
play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few
songs. I have a
full life."
The tourist said, "I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and
I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue
, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat
will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your
fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly
with the processing
plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this
little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or
even New
Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long
would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps
twenty-five years," replied the tourist.
"And after that?" asked the
Mexican.
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the
tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you
can start
selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions?
Really?" asked the Mexican. "And after that?"
The tourist replied,
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a
tiny village n
ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch
a few
fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking
and
playing the guitar with your friends!"
docked in a tiny Mexican
village. An American tourist complimented the
Mexican fisherman on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch
them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why
didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
tourist.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his
needs and those of his family.
The tourist asked, "So
what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, spend time with
my wife... In the
evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have
a few drinks,
play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few
songs. I have a
full life."
The tourist said, "I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and
I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue
, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat
will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your
fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly
with the processing
plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this
little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or
even New
Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long
would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps
twenty-five years," replied the tourist.
"And after that?" asked the
Mexican.
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the
tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you
can start
selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions?
Really?" asked the Mexican. "And after that?"
The tourist replied,
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a
tiny village n
ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch
a few
fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking
and
playing the guitar with your friends!"
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Jokes number : 46
Q: How
many tourists does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to
ask for directions.
many tourists does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to
ask for directions.
Jokes number : 45
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece
of
candy?
Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the
hotel.
of
candy?
Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the
hotel.
Jokes number : 44
Police Officer: Why did you lead me
on a five-state chase?
Driver: I love to travel.
on a five-state chase?
Driver: I love to travel.
Jokes number : 43
Tourist: What's the speed
limit in this hick town?
Native: We don't have one. You strangers
can't get out of here fast
enough for us.
limit in this hick town?
Native: We don't have one. You strangers
can't get out of here fast
enough for us.
Jokes number : 42
Tourist: The flies are awfully
thick around here. Don't you ever shoo
them?
Native: No, we just
let them go barefoot.
thick around here. Don't you ever shoo
them?
Native: No, we just
let them go barefoot.
Jokes number : 41
Tourist: Is this 99 Main
Street?
Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse
people.
Street?
Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse
people.
Jokes number : 40
A police officer was amazed to see
a hiker
walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To
Seattle." "What
are you doing with that?" asked the police officer.
"I'm walking to
Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose
my
way."
a hiker
walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To
Seattle." "What
are you doing with that?" asked the police officer.
"I'm walking to
Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose
my
way."
Jokes number : 39
The transatlantic liner was
experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling
well.
"Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the
steward.
"No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it
overboard
to save me the trouble."
experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling
well.
"Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the
steward.
"No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it
overboard
to save me the trouble."
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Jokes number : 38
On her
annual visit to another
planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward
and says. "I hope
this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound.
"Why?" replies the
cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to
talk, that's
why."
annual visit to another
planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward
and says. "I hope
this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound.
"Why?" replies the
cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to
talk, that's
why."
Jokes number : 37
What did the teacher say after
spending thousands in the
expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave, now
that I've almost bought the place.
spending thousands in the
expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave, now
that I've almost bought the place.
Jokes number : 36
A huge American car screeched to a
halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a
local
inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's
birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need
to hurry.
He's dead."
halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a
local
inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's
birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need
to hurry.
He's dead."
Jokes number : 35
Teacher: I'd like a room, please.
Hotel
Receptionist: Single, Sir?
Teacher: Yes, but I am
engaged.
Hotel
Receptionist: Single, Sir?
Teacher: Yes, but I am
engaged.
Jokes number : 34
There was a little old lady from a
small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the
size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and
said to
the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that
she had never
before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.
"Everything's
big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee
came in the
biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you,
ma'am, that everything
is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her
way back to her suite, the
old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a
darkened room and fell into an enormous
swimming pool. "Please!" she
screamed. "Don't flush it!"
small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the
size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and
said to
the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that
she had never
before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.
"Everything's
big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee
came in the
biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you,
ma'am, that everything
is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her
way back to her suite, the
old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a
darkened room and fell into an enormous
swimming pool. "Please!" she
screamed. "Don't flush it!"
Jokes number : 33
A man arrived at a seaside hotel
where he
had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights
were out, so
he knocked on the door. After a long time a light
appeared in an
upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you?
What do you want?"
"I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she
retorted, and slammed
the window shut!
where he
had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights
were out, so
he knocked on the door. After a long time a light
appeared in an
upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you?
What do you want?"
"I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she
retorted, and slammed
the window shut!
Jokes number : 32
There was a man staying the night
in a hotel. He called the
front desk and said,
"Excuse me, sir,
I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied,
"Oh, okay, go ahead, but most
guests just use the toilet."
in a hotel. He called the
front desk and said,
"Excuse me, sir,
I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied,
"Oh, okay, go ahead, but most
guests just use the toilet."
Jokes number : 31
Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children,
travel is very
good for you. It broadens the mind.
Betty,
muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it
broadens!
travel is very
good for you. It broadens the mind.
Betty,
muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it
broadens!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Jokes number : 30
What steps should you take if you
see a dangerous animal
on your travels?
Very large ones.
see a dangerous animal
on your travels?
Very large ones.
Jokes number : 27
An American tourist is
visiting
China. After visiting all the tourist
attractions he decides to
inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the
population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers
American,
After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"
visiting
China. After visiting all the tourist
attractions he decides to
inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the
population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers
American,
After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"
Jokes number : 26
A Jewish couple, are sitting
together on an airplane
flying to the
Far East. Over the public
address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down
momentarily. Luckily, I see an
island below us that should be able to
accommodate our landing. This
island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on
the island for a very long time, if
not
for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely
on
the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did
we pay our
pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles,
then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to
send the check!!" Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this
month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically
choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
"So what are you smiling and
laughing about?
Morris responds, "They'll find us."
together on an airplane
flying to the
Far East. Over the public
address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down
momentarily. Luckily, I see an
island below us that should be able to
accommodate our landing. This
island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on
the island for a very long time, if
not
for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely
on
the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did
we pay our
pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles,
then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to
send the check!!" Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this
month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically
choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
"So what are you smiling and
laughing about?
Morris responds, "They'll find us."
Jokes number : 25
An
American touring Spain
stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While
sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only
did
it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is
that
you
just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are
bulls
testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm
on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The
waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this
delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned,
placed his order, and then
that
evening he was served the
one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called
to the waiter
and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes
the
bull wins."
American touring Spain
stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While
sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only
did
it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is
that
you
just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are
bulls
testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm
on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The
waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this
delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned,
placed his order, and then
that
evening he was served the
one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called
to the waiter
and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes
the
bull wins."
Jokes number : 24
Steve is going on an ocean cruise,
and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real
seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes
before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from
getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the
water."
and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real
seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes
before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from
getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the
water."
Jokes number : 23
A man and a woman who have never
met before
find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a
train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both
manage to get to
sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the
middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry
to
bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and,
with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better
idea...
let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
met before
find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a
train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both
manage to get to
sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the
middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry
to
bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and,
with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better
idea...
let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Jokes number : 22
Helpful
advice for
travellers:
If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with
you.
BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at
the
SAME TIME with a bomb?
advice for
travellers:
If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with
you.
BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at
the
SAME TIME with a bomb?
Jokes number : 21
A tourist is visiting New York City
when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling
under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds
and looks around to see someone taking stuff out
of
his trunk!
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"OK," the
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling
under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds
and looks around to see someone taking stuff out
of
his trunk!
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"OK," the
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
Jokes number : 20
A businessman
was having a
tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the
overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy
luggage?"
she
sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my
partner can buy the ticket!"
was having a
tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the
overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy
luggage?"
she
sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my
partner can buy the ticket!"
Jokes number : 19
This woman is visiting in Israel
and notices that her little travel alarm
needs a battery. She
looks for a watch repair shop and while she
doesn't
read Hebrew
she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the
window.
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I
don't
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."
She says,
"Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I
have in my window?"
and notices that her little travel alarm
needs a battery. She
looks for a watch repair shop and while she
doesn't
read Hebrew
she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the
window.
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I
don't
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."
She says,
"Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I
have in my window?"
Jokes number : 18
A German tourist walks into a
McDonald's in New York City
and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many
parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does
serve
beer.) The
local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They
don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt
pretty
stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
look,
and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New
Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came
here for the
food."
McDonald's in New York City
and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many
parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does
serve
beer.) The
local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They
don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt
pretty
stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
look,
and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New
Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came
here for the
food."
Jokes number : 17
A couple were
being given a
guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the
Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by
lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making
love.
"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.
"Si, but what a great
way to spend eternity." added the
husband.
being given a
guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the
Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by
lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making
love.
"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.
"Si, but what a great
way to spend eternity." added the
husband.
Jokes number : 16
The Zen Master is visiting New York
City from Tibet.
He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make
me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and
hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The
vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's
my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come
from within."
City from Tibet.
He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make
me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and
hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The
vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's
my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come
from within."
Jokes number : 15
Father O'Mally has been preaching
at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an
American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States
before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He
arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta
me
face. Can't you see
I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis."
The
father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's
a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step
on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's
so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!
Now turn
around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel
check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel
clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut
butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel
clerk and says, "Thank you...
Thank
you very much!"
at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an
American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States
before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He
arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta
me
face. Can't you see
I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis."
The
father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's
a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step
on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's
so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!
Now turn
around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel
check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel
clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut
butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel
clerk and says, "Thank you...
Thank
you very much!"
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Jokes number : 14
A group of Americans was touring
Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is
terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are
awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned
today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back
tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said
that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the
same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone,"
the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said,
"but I've sat on
it."
Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is
terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are
awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned
today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back
tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said
that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the
same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone,"
the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said,
"but I've sat on
it."
Jokes number : 13
A magician was
working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and
over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle
of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding
the
flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades
?" The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it
was, after all, the
captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an
accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of
wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared
at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and
over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle
of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding
the
flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades
?" The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it
was, after all, the
captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an
accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of
wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared
at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Jokes number : 12
Three New Zealanders and three
Aussies are
travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in
England.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket
and watch as the
three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between
them. "How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Aussies.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the New
Zealanders.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their
respective seats but
all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and
close the door behind
them.
Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on
the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was
quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the
New Zealanders on the return trip and
save some money (being
clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment,
the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you
going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.
"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the
train
the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New
Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and
walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.
He knocks
on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Aussies are
travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in
England.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket
and watch as the
three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between
them. "How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Aussies.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the New
Zealanders.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their
respective seats but
all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and
close the door behind
them.
Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on
the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was
quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the
New Zealanders on the return trip and
save some money (being
clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment,
the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you
going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.
"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the
train
the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New
Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and
walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.
He knocks
on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Jokes number : 11
A traveler became lost in the
Sahara desert. Realizing his
only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More
time passed, and he began feeling
faint. He was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about
500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and
called out,
"Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I
am
sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy
a
tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need
water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there
is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get
some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his
parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of
strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at
the door and
enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the
feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you
can't come in
here without a tie!"
Sahara desert. Realizing his
only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More
time passed, and he began feeling
faint. He was on the verge of
passing out when he spied a tent about
500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and
called out,
"Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I
am
sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy
a
tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need
water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there
is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get
some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his
parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of
strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at
the door and
enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the
feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you
can't come in
here without a tie!"
Jokes number : 10
"And will there be
anything
else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate
dinner
for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be
all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee
on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah!
That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a
postcard."
anything
else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate
dinner
for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be
all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee
on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah!
That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a
postcard."
Jokes number : 9
A not so rich couple decided to
stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately
recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out,
instead he
decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to
settle the bill
and were surprized to find they owe
$3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was
annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf
courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and
restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use
any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's
your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000.
You see, my wife is a call girl who
charges $5000 a night, so please
settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was
taken off guard, "I didn't
sleep with your wife!"
"If yo
u didn't use - that's your problem!"
stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately
recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out,
instead he
decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to
settle the bill
and were surprized to find they owe
$3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was
annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf
courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and
restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use
any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's
your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000.
You see, my wife is a call girl who
charges $5000 a night, so please
settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was
taken off guard, "I didn't
sleep with your wife!"
"If yo
u didn't use - that's your problem!"
Friday, March 8, 2013
Jokes number : 6
A traveller pulls into a hotel
around
midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk
fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting in the
lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he
disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on
his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll
need a double room for the night."
Next morning,
he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be
over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk.
"I've only
been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has
been here for three
weeks."
around
midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk
fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting in the
lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he
disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on
his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll
need a double room for the night."
Next morning,
he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be
over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk.
"I've only
been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has
been here for three
weeks."
Jokes number : 5
A
farmer, who went to a big
city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk
about the time of
meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and
supper
from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here,"
inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to
get time to see the
city?"
farmer, who went to a big
city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk
about the time of
meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and
supper
from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here,"
inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to
get time to see the
city?"
Jokes number : 4
A person checks into a hotel for
the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes
later
he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no
exit. How
do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd.
Have you looked for the
door?"
The person says, " Well,
there's one door that leads to the bathroom.
There's a second door that
goes into the closet. And there's a door I
haven't tried, but it
has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes
later
he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no
exit. How
do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd.
Have you looked for the
door?"
The person says, " Well,
there's one door that leads to the bathroom.
There's a second door that
goes into the closet. And there's a door I
haven't tried, but it
has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
Jokes number : 3
"Look, guide, here are some LION
tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they
came
from."
tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they
came
from."
Jokes number : 2
A tourist was being led through the
swamps of Florida. "Is it
true," he asked, "that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a
flashlight?"
"That depends," replied
the guide, "on how fast you carry the
flashlight."
swamps of Florida. "Is it
true," he asked, "that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a
flashlight?"
"That depends," replied
the guide, "on how fast you carry the
flashlight."
Jokes number : 1
A man is walking down the street
when he sees a sign in the
window of a travel agency that says
CRUISES - $100. He goes into the
agency and hands the guy $100. The
travel agent then whacks him over the
head with a baseball bat and
throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a
half hour later, sees the sign
and pays the guy $100. The travel agent
then whacks him with the
baseball bat and throws him in the
river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together
and
the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on
this
cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They
didn't do it last
year."
when he sees a sign in the
window of a travel agency that says
CRUISES - $100. He goes into the
agency and hands the guy $100. The
travel agent then whacks him over the
head with a baseball bat and
throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a
half hour later, sees the sign
and pays the guy $100. The travel agent
then whacks him with the
baseball bat and throws him in the
river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together
and
the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on
this
cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They
didn't do it last
year."
Jokes number : 100
Two tourists were driving through
Louisiana. As
they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they stopped
for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one
tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are... very
slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing."
Louisiana. As
they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they stopped
for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one
tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are... very
slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing."
Jokes number : 99
In Alaska's National Forests, a
tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking
in
grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers,
being
extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife,
accidentally
stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be
catastrophic." To
avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells
on their clothing
to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he
said further, "be
especially cautious when you see signs of bears in
the area, especially
when you see bear droppings."
One
tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's
easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the
tiny bells in
them!"
tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking
in
grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers,
being
extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife,
accidentally
stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be
catastrophic." To
avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells
on their clothing
to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he
said further, "be
especially cautious when you see signs of bears in
the area, especially
when you see bear droppings."
One
tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's
easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the
tiny bells in
them!"
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Jokes number : 98
Two anthropologists fly
to the
south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent
islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe
over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he
gets
there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group
of
natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting
anthropologist.
"Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered
an important fact
about the local language! Watch!"
He points
at a palm tree and says, "what is that?"
The natives, in unison, say
"Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"
The
natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming
anthropologist, "They use the SAME word
for 'rock' and for 'palm
tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting
anthropologist,
"On the other island, the same word means 'ind
ex finger'!"
to the
south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent
islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe
over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he
gets
there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group
of
natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting
anthropologist.
"Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered
an important fact
about the local language! Watch!"
He points
at a palm tree and says, "what is that?"
The natives, in unison, say
"Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"
The
natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming
anthropologist, "They use the SAME word
for 'rock' and for 'palm
tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting
anthropologist,
"On the other island, the same word means 'ind
ex finger'!"
Jokes number : 96
A pair of tourists were out in the
fields
when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm
house. Of course
they're curious so they drop a small stone into the
well, but they
never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a
larger rock and drop it
into the well but once again hear nothing. They
decide they need
something larger and search the farm yard for a
larger object. After much
struggle, they manage to drag a large
railroad tie to the edge of the well
and drop it over the
edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any
hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand
in
amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is
looking for
a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat
diving into
the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer
replies, "My goat was
grazing in the field roped to a railroa
d tie!"
fields
when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm
house. Of course
they're curious so they drop a small stone into the
well, but they
never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a
larger rock and drop it
into the well but once again hear nothing. They
decide they need
something larger and search the farm yard for a
larger object. After much
struggle, they manage to drag a large
railroad tie to the edge of the well
and drop it over the
edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any
hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand
in
amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is
looking for
a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat
diving into
the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer
replies, "My goat was
grazing in the field roped to a railroa
d tie!"
Jokes number : 95
Windsor castle, outside of London,
is directly in the flight path of
Heathrow International Airport.
While a group of tourist was standing
outside the castle admiring
the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead
at a relatively low
altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One
particularly annoyed
tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so
close to the
airport?"
is directly in the flight path of
Heathrow International Airport.
While a group of tourist was standing
outside the castle admiring
the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead
at a relatively low
altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One
particularly annoyed
tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so
close to the
airport?"
Jokes number : 94
The tourist: "Can you tell me why
so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park
Sites?"
so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park
Sites?"
Jokes number : 93
The frightened tourist: "Are
there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't
worry, the snakes ate all of
them."
there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't
worry, the snakes ate all of
them."
Jokes number : 92
I got a call from a woman who
wanted to go
to Capetown.
started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport
information when she interrupted me with "I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in
Africa." Her response... click.
wanted to go
to Capetown.
started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport
information when she interrupted me with "I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in
Africa." Her response... click.
Jokes number : 91
Someone -- always a man -- always
asks, "does the
ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director
usually
tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line
running
to the mainland."
asks, "does the
ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director
usually
tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line
running
to the mainland."
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Jokes number : 90
There was some mix-up with a
woman's room. The
clerk (or whatever they are called on ships)
was
trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you
like an inside
cabin or an outside cabin?" She
replied, "Well, it looks like it might
rain today.
I'd better get an inside cabin."
woman's room. The
clerk (or whatever they are called on ships)
was
trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you
like an inside
cabin or an outside cabin?" She
replied, "Well, it looks like it might
rain today.
I'd better get an inside cabin."
Jokes number : 89
A travel agent looked up from his
desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the
shop window at the posters showing
the glamorous destinations around
the world. The agent had had a
good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a
rare feeling of generosity.
He
called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to
a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.
About a month
later the little lady came in to his shop. "And
how did you like your
holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight
was exciting and the room
was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank
you.
But, one th
ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the
room
with?"
desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the
shop window at the posters showing
the glamorous destinations around
the world. The agent had had a
good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a
rare feeling of generosity.
He
called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to
a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.
About a month
later the little lady came in to his shop. "And
how did you like your
holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight
was exciting and the room
was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank
you.
But, one th
ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the
room
with?"
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Jokes number : 78
Why did the vampire stand
at the bus stop
with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
at the bus stop
with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
Jokes number : 77
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a
snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down.
snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down.
Jokes number : 75
Why did the vampire go crazy
at Burger
King?
He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
at Burger
King?
He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Jokes number : 74
What do you get if you
cross a vampire and
a mummy ?
Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
cross a vampire and
a mummy ?
Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
Jokes number : 73
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a
circus
entertainer ?
Something that goes straight for the juggler
!
circus
entertainer ?
Something that goes straight for the juggler
!
Jokes number : 67
Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
Because they're always out for blood!
Because they're always out for blood!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Jokes number : 65
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting
his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
Jokes number : 64
Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a
parrot with a vampire ?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and
said, 'Who's a pretty boy then
?'!
parrot with a vampire ?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and
said, 'Who's a pretty boy then
?'!
Jokes number : 63
One vampire to the
other : " Let's go and
have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary
just round the
corner"!
other : " Let's go and
have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary
just round the
corner"!
Jokes number : 62
Why was Dracula always willing to help
young vampires?
Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
young vampires?
Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Jokes number : 55
Did you hear about the vampire who joined
an orchestra?
He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
an orchestra?
He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
Jokes number : 51
Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a
vampire.
Drink this glass of water.
Will it make me better?
No, but I'll be able to see if your neck
leaks.
vampire.
Drink this glass of water.
Will it make me better?
No, but I'll be able to see if your neck
leaks.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Jokes number : 49
How does a vampire get through life with
only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
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