Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted,
will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After
hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
I'm beginning
to think I didn't."
Monday, April 30, 2012
Jokes number : 9
Lawyer: "Let me
give you my honest
opinion."
Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
give you my honest
opinion."
Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
Jokes number : 8
How many lawyers does it take to
change a
lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
change a
lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Jokes number : 6
You're trapped in a room with a tiger,
a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Jokes number : 5
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic
waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had
first choice.
waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had
first choice.
Jokes number : 4
Why is
it that if you give a child an
encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the
third thing they look
up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is
"snake."
And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
it that if you give a child an
encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the
third thing they look
up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is
"snake."
And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
Jokes number : 3
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to
walk
onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they
might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
walk
onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they
might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Jokes number : 2
What's the
difference between a lawyer and
an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
difference between a lawyer and
an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
Jokes number : 1
In the construction
field, it is often
noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However,
a couple of years
ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were
always his
favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of
having lawyers as
clients he replied, "I only build coffins
now."
field, it is often
noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However,
a couple of years
ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were
always his
favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of
having lawyers as
clients he replied, "I only build coffins
now."
Jokes number : 100
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head
to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it,
that's not a bad idea.
to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it,
that's not a bad idea.
Jokes number : 98
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how
many orchards does it
take for a lawyer?
many orchards does it
take for a lawyer?
Jokes number : 97
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both
drowning, and
you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or
read the
paper?
drowning, and
you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or
read the
paper?
Jokes number : 95
How many lawyers does it take to grease a
combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Jokes number : 93
Have you seen the current remake of the movie
"Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge
against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom
do you
root for?
"Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge
against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom
do you
root for?
Jokes number : 92
First person: Do you know how to
save five
lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person:
Good!
save five
lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person:
Good!
Jokes number : 91
Did you hear that the Post Office had to
recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were
confused about which side to spit on.
recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were
confused about which side to spit on.
Jokes number : 89
A convicted con man was recently found to be
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked,
"I
should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so
punctual and
polite."
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked,
"I
should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so
punctual and
polite."
Jokes number : 88
"Excuse me," a young fellow said to
an
older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town
has
any criminal lawyers."
"Well," replied the librarian, "I have
lived here all my life and
all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we
do, but no one has been able
to prove it yet."
an
older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town
has
any criminal lawyers."
"Well," replied the librarian, "I have
lived here all my life and
all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we
do, but no one has been able
to prove it yet."
Jokes number : 87
A
persistent job-seeker once appeared
before President Lincoln and demanded
an appointment to a judgeship. He
was informed that there were no
vacancies. The next day, while
walking along the river, he saw a drowned man
being pulled out, and
recognized him as a federal judge.
He ran back to the White House
and demanded the position. "Sorry,"
said the President, "but the
lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you
here by a good five
minutes."
persistent job-seeker once appeared
before President Lincoln and demanded
an appointment to a judgeship. He
was informed that there were no
vacancies. The next day, while
walking along the river, he saw a drowned man
being pulled out, and
recognized him as a federal judge.
He ran back to the White House
and demanded the position. "Sorry,"
said the President, "but the
lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you
here by a good five
minutes."
Friday, April 27, 2012
Jokes number : 86
A
woman was being questioned in a court
trial involving slander. "Please
repeat the slanderous statements you
heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the
lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person
to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just
whisper them to the judge."
woman was being questioned in a court
trial involving slander. "Please
repeat the slanderous statements you
heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the
lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person
to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just
whisper them to the judge."
Jokes number : 85
The first lawyer questioning a panel of
prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he
came to
his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they
stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became too long,
the judge announced, "I do."
prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he
came to
his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they
stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became too long,
the judge announced, "I do."
Jokes number : 83
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the
headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of
the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note
stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your
Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at
me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other
particulars. But I'm
not."
headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of
the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note
stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your
Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at
me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other
particulars. But I'm
not."
Jokes number : 82
A person is in the hospital and asked his
doctor how much time does
he
have left to live. The doctor did not
want to lie so he told him that
he
wouldn't make it through the
night. So the person calls for his lawyer
and
asks him to come
and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the
lawyer asks
him why did he want him next to him. The dying person
replied,
"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same
way."
doctor how much time does
he
have left to live. The doctor did not
want to lie so he told him that
he
wouldn't make it through the
night. So the person calls for his lawyer
and
asks him to come
and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the
lawyer asks
him why did he want him next to him. The dying person
replied,
"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same
way."
Jokes number : 81
"You seem to have more than the average
share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer
at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return
the compliment," replied the
witness.
share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer
at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return
the compliment," replied the
witness.
Jokes number : 80
A tough case was being argued in court. The
defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a
bottle of
hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be
tied.
"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're
dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the
other lawyer's name!"
defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a
bottle of
hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be
tied.
"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're
dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the
other lawyer's name!"
Jokes number : 79
A man walks into a friend and sees that his
friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass,
branches,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your
car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a
lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to
chase him all through the park."
friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass,
branches,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your
car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a
lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to
chase him all through the park."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Jokes number : 78
An old man was critically
ill. Feeling that
death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much is
it or the express degree you told me
about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why
do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the
course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His
lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be
paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned
over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you
wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a
faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less
lawyer . . ."
ill. Feeling that
death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much is
it or the express degree you told me
about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why
do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the
course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His
lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be
paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned
over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you
wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a
faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less
lawyer . . ."
Jokes number : 77
A guy walks into a post office one day
to
see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts
all
over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man
and
asks him what he is doing. The
man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
to
see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts
all
over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man
and
asks him what he is doing. The
man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
Jokes number : 75
It seems that a devout, good couple was about
to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When
they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it
and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred
years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a
simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they
determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy
forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St.
Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to
marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When
they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it
and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred
years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a
simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they
determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy
forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St.
Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to
marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
Jokes number : 74
What is the proper weight for a
lawyer?
About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
lawyer?
About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
Jokes number : 73
What's the difference between a lawyer
and
a
trampoline?
You should take your workboots off
before
you jump on a trampoline.
and
a
trampoline?
You should take your workboots off
before
you jump on a trampoline.
Jokes number : 71
A local United Way office realized that it had
never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at
least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over
for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep
mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my
sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation,
"leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so
if I don't give any money to
them,
why should I give any to
you?"
never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at
least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over
for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep
mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my
sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation,
"leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so
if I don't give any money to
them,
why should I give any to
you?"
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Jokes number : 70
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend
asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an
honest man, and a lawyer." The
inscriber insisted that
such an
inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
think
that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an
alternative: He
would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both
honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone
walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's
Strange!"
asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an
honest man, and a lawyer." The
inscriber insisted that
such an
inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
think
that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an
alternative: He
would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both
honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone
walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's
Strange!"
Jokes number : 65
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cynthia
!
Cynthia who ?
Cynthia you been away I missed you !
Who's there !
Cynthia
!
Cynthia who ?
Cynthia you been away I missed you !
Jokes number : 64
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cymbals
!
Cymbals who?
Cymbals have horns and others don't !
Who's there !
Cymbals
!
Cymbals who?
Cymbals have horns and others don't !
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Jokes number : 56
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Crock and
Dial !
Crock and Dial who ?
Crock and Dial Dundee !
Who's there !
Crock and
Dial !
Crock and Dial who ?
Crock and Dial Dundee !
Jokes number : 55
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Crispin
!
Crispin who ?
Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !
Who's there !
Crispin
!
Crispin who ?
Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !
Monday, April 23, 2012
Jokes number : 54
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cricket
!
Cricket who ?
Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !
Who's there !
Cricket
!
Cricket who ?
Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !
Jokes number : 49
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Courtney
Pine !
Courtney Pine who ?
Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one
!
Who's there !
Courtney
Pine !
Courtney Pine who ?
Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one
!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Jokes number : 44
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Cook
!
Cook who ?
Cuckoo yourself, I don't come here to be insulted !
Who's there ?
Cook
!
Cook who ?
Cuckoo yourself, I don't come here to be insulted !
Jokes number : 41
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Cookie
!
Cookie who ?
Cookie quit and now I have to make all the food !
Who's there ?
Cookie
!
Cookie who ?
Cookie quit and now I have to make all the food !
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Jokes number : 24
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Cigarette
!
Cigarette who ?
Cigarette life if you don't weaken !
Who's there ?
Cigarette
!
Cigarette who ?
Cigarette life if you don't weaken !
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Jokes number : 12
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Chicken
!
Chicken who ?
Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there
!s
Who's there !
Chicken
!
Chicken who ?
Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there
!s
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Jokes number : 6
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Checkmate
!
Checkmate who ?
Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in
the bank !
Who's there !
Checkmate
!
Checkmate who ?
Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in
the bank !
Jokes number : 2
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Chair
!
Chair who?
Chair you go again, asking more questions !
Who's there !
Chair
!
Chair who?
Chair you go again, asking more questions !
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Jokes number : 6
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bolivia
!
Boliva who ?
Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about !
Who's there !
Bolivia
!
Boliva who ?
Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about !
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Jokes number : 95
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bjorn
!
Bjorn who ?
Bjorn with a silver spoon in his mouth !
Who's there !
Bjorn
!
Bjorn who ?
Bjorn with a silver spoon in his mouth !
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Jokes number : 93
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bitter
Bianca !
Bitter Bianca who ?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here,
pardner !
Who's there !
Bitter
Bianca !
Bitter Bianca who ?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here,
pardner !
Jokes number : 88
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Billy
Bragg !
Billy Bragg who ?
Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it
!
Who's there !
Billy
Bragg !
Billy Bragg who ?
Billy Braggs too much, tell him to stop it
!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Jokes number : 83
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bettina
!
Bettina who ?
Bettina minute you'll open this door !
Who's there !
Bettina
!
Bettina who ?
Bettina minute you'll open this door !
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Jokes number : 73
Knock Knock
Who's there
!
Bernadette !
Bernadette who ?
Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm
starving !
Who's there
!
Bernadette !
Bernadette who ?
Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm
starving !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)