A doctor is going round the ward with
a nurse and they
come to the first bed where the chap is laying
half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks
the
doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight
tablets every two
hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also
appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every
twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,"
replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well
and truly deceased,
not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor,
"did you prick his
boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the
nurse.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Jokes number : 29
A nurse was
showing some student
nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most
hazardous
section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are
almost
well."
showing some student
nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most
hazardous
section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are
almost
well."
Jokes number : 26
Three nurses went to heaven, and were
awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the
pearly
gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an
emergency room. We tried our
best to help patients, even though
occasionally we did lose one. I think I
deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter
looks at her file and admits her
to heaven.
The second nurse
says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very
high stress
environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are
too sick and
we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter
looks at her
file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a
case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls
out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly
going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes St. Peter
looks up, smiles, and says,
"Congratulations! You've been admi
tted to heaven ... for five days!"
Harry was in the
hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the
young nurse came in
and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing
this
morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received
breakfast, and
pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He
had been given
a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You
know where the
juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the
urine bottle and said, "It seems we
are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of
her hand, drinked its
contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through
again, maybe I can filter
it better this time."
awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the
pearly
gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an
emergency room. We tried our
best to help patients, even though
occasionally we did lose one. I think I
deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter
looks at her file and admits her
to heaven.
The second nurse
says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very
high stress
environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are
too sick and
we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter
looks at her
file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a
case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls
out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly
going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes St. Peter
looks up, smiles, and says,
"Congratulations! You've been admi
tted to heaven ... for five days!"
Harry was in the
hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the
young nurse came in
and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing
this
morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received
breakfast, and
pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He
had been given
a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You
know where the
juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the
urine bottle and said, "It seems we
are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of
her hand, drinked its
contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through
again, maybe I can filter
it better this time."
Jokes number : 24
A doctor and a nurse were
called
to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people
to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big
building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
important now!
called
to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people
to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big
building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
important now!
Jokes number : 23
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the
waiting
room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does
he call his other eye?
waiting
room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does
he call his other eye?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Jokes number : 22
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little
girl
doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No
change yet.
girl
doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No
change yet.
Jokes number : 21
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My
son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll
be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The
toast is getting
cold!
son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll
be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The
toast is getting
cold!
Jokes number : 20
Doctor: Have you ever had this
before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
Jokes number : 19
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He
called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that
much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a
doctor."
called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that
much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a
doctor."
Jokes number : 18
The seven-year old girl told her mom,
"A boy in my class
asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the
mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me
wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."
"A boy in my class
asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the
mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me
wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."
Jokes number : 17
What's the difference between a
surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an
hour, it'll probably
stop whining.
surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an
hour, it'll probably
stop whining.
Jokes number : 16
Mary:
My daughter believes in
preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary:
Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
My daughter believes in
preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary:
Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Jokes number : 15
A new arrival, about to enter
hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower
beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No,"
replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant
for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower
beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No,"
replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant
for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Jokes number : 14
Doctor: Did you know
that there
are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor!
There are three dogs outside in the waiting
room!
that there
are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor!
There are three dogs outside in the waiting
room!
Jokes number : 13
Patient (to
cosmetic surgeon):
Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs
Brown.
cosmetic surgeon):
Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs
Brown.
Jokes number : 12
A man went to see his doctor because
he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some
pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor
gave him a shot, but that didn't do any
good.
On his third
visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot
bath. As soon
as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand
in the
draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll
get
pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure
pneumonia."
he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some
pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor
gave him a shot, but that didn't do any
good.
On his third
visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot
bath. As soon
as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand
in the
draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll
get
pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure
pneumonia."
Jokes number : 11
A doctor has come to see one of
his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both
of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and
dramatically holds up his
heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the
piano when these
bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not,"
replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't
able to play it
before."
his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both
of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and
dramatically holds up his
heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the
piano when these
bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not,"
replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't
able to play it
before."
Jokes number : 10
A man, seeking to lose
some of
his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose
twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head
off.
some of
his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose
twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head
off.
Jokes number : 9
Patient: Doctor, if
I give up
wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It
will just seem longer.
I give up
wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It
will just seem longer.
Jokes number : 8
Patient: Doctor, you must help me.
I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did,
didn't I, you stupid fool!!
I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did,
didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Jokes number : 7
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering
from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone
with
pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it
won't happen to me. If I treat someone with
pneumonia he will die
of pneumonia."
from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone
with
pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it
won't happen to me. If I treat someone with
pneumonia he will die
of pneumonia."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Jokes number : 6
A baseball manager who had an
ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor
said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball
when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come
you
let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and
two men
out in the ninth?"
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him
now. Next.
ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor
said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball
when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come
you
let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and
two men
out in the ninth?"
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him
now. Next.
Jokes number : 5
Patient:
Doctor, I think I
swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little
down in the mouth.
Doctor, I think I
swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little
down in the mouth.
Jokes number : 4
A young woman went to her doctor
complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You
have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you
mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even
THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully
for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken
finger."
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few
minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You
have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you
mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even
THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully
for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken
finger."
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few
minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
Jokes number : 3
Patient: Doctor,
what should I do
if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
what should I do
if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
Jokes number : 2
A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the
doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the
doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Jokes number : 1
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I
in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a
bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news
and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear
first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured
so badly that we had to amputate both of
them.
Patient:
That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in
the next ward who made a very good offer on
your slippers.
in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a
bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news
and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear
first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured
so badly that we had to amputate both of
them.
Patient:
That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in
the next ward who made a very good offer on
your slippers.
Jokes number : 100
The Doctor was
puzzled "I'm very
sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I
think it must
be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back
when you're
sober."
puzzled "I'm very
sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I
think it must
be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back
when you're
sober."
Jokes number : 99
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!
You can't get round me just like that you know!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Jokes number : 97
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.
bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.
Jokes number : 95
Doctor, Doctor
You've got to
help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a
lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
You've got to
help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a
lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Jokes number : 94
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get
to
sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
to
sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Jokes number : 93
Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I
do about
it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
do about
it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
Jokes number : 91
Doctor, Doctor
I'm having
trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a
stop to that!
I'm having
trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a
stop to that!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Jokes number : 90
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I
ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!
needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I
ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!
Jokes number : 87
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an
insect
spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going
around!
insect
spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going
around!
Jokes number : 83
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber
band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell
me all
about it!
band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell
me all
about it!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Jokes number : 81
Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image
of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!
of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!
Jokes number : 77
Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth,
foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and
Mouth disease!
foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and
Mouth disease!
Jokes number : 76
Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my
tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my
appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of
you!
tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my
appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of
you!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Jokes number : 72
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not
allowed up on the couch!
dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not
allowed up on the couch!
Jokes number : 71
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like
a tee-pee and
other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too
tents.
a tee-pee and
other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too
tents.
Jokes number : 69
Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
Jokes number : 68
Doctor: You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's
because you've got your hand on my watch!
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's
because you've got your hand on my watch!
Jokes number : 67
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she
is
a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop
at this floor!
is
a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop
at this floor!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Jokes number : 64
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking
I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Jokes number : 61
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a
bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Jokes number : 58
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just
swallowed
a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing
develops.
swallowed
a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing
develops.
Jokes number : 57
Doctor Doctor I feel like
biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter
on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter
on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Jokes number : 56
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my
finger
here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and
here... What do
you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken
finger!
finger
here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and
here... What do
you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken
finger!
Jokes number : 55
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my
finger
here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here...
What
do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
finger
here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here...
What
do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
Jokes number : 54
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are
monsters
under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your
bed!
monsters
under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your
bed!
Jokes number : 51
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Jokes number : 50
Doctor, Doctor I've broke my
arm
in two places
Well don't go back there again then!
arm
in two places
Well don't go back there again then!
Jokes number : 48
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
Jokes number : 46
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Jokes number : 44
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Jokes number : 43
Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me
yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the
window!
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me
yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the
window!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Jokes number : 42
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then!
snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then!
Jokes number : 40
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking
I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then
the earth...
I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then
the earth...
Jokes number : 37
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and
it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that's a lot of calories!
it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that's a lot of calories!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Jokes number : 32
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something
for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit
yourself in the head. Then
you'll have a bad headache.
for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit
yourself in the head. Then
you'll have a bad headache.
Jokes number : 29
Doctor, Doctor I keep
getting
pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon
out?
getting
pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon
out?
Jokes number : 28
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a
moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the
window...!
moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the
window...!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Jokes number : 24
Doctor these pills you gave me for
BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from
under my arms!
BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from
under my arms!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Jokes number : 18
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Jokes number : 17
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed
my
pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there
my
pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there
Jokes number : 16
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.
in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.
Jokes number : 14
A
guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising
his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't
live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the
same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week,
and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't
hear it enough!"
guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising
his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't
live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the
same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week,
and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't
hear it enough!"
Jokes number : 13
Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for
a divorce from her
husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She
testified he'd stepped out
"for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917,
and had never come back.
a divorce from her
husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She
testified he'd stepped out
"for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917,
and had never come back.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Jokes number : 10
A ninety-year-old couple decide
to get a
divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a
divorce."
The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to
get
a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"
The couple say in
unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were
dead."
to get a
divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a
divorce."
The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to
get
a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"
The couple say in
unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were
dead."
Jokes number : 9
My husband and I divorced over
religious
differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
religious
differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Jokes number : 7
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office
wanting to file for
divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got
about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do
you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I
have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly:
"No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger
. That's why I want this dayvorce."
wanting to file for
divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got
about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do
you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I
have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly:
"No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger
. That's why I want this dayvorce."
Jokes number : 6
A husband and wife were having dinner at a
very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see
him later
and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the
hell was
that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well,
that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a
divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infinities
and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht
club. But the decision is
yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the
restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with
Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she
replies.
very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see
him later
and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the
hell was
that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well,
that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a
divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infinities
and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht
club. But the decision is
yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the
restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with
Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she
replies.
Jokes number : 5
A married couple is driving down the
interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and
says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a
divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to
try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better
lover than you."
Again
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands
on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is
doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the
kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until
he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit
cards too." The husband slowly starts to
veer toward a bridge overpass
piling, as she says, "Is there an
ything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything
I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've
got the
airbag!"
interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and
says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a
divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to
try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better
lover than you."
Again
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands
on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is
doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the
kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until
he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit
cards too." The husband slowly starts to
veer toward a bridge overpass
piling, as she says, "Is there an
ything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything
I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've
got the
airbag!"
Jokes number : 4
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?"
York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?"
Jokes number : 3
Ralph was driving home one evening and
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a
present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked
the
store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
Nightclub
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."
"Why
is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95?!?",
Ralph asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car,
Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and Ken's
furniture."
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a
present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked
the
store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
Nightclub
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."
"Why
is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95?!?",
Ralph asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car,
Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and Ken's
furniture."
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Jokes number : 2
Ruby Alice walked up to
the desk of a
Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the
letter "O."
"Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk.
"Cause Ah
can't write," replied the girl.
"Why don't you sign with an
'X'?" asked the man.
"Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah
got me a divorce, Ah took
back mah maiden name!"
the desk of a
Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the
letter "O."
"Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk.
"Cause Ah
can't write," replied the girl.
"Why don't you sign with an
'X'?" asked the man.
"Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah
got me a divorce, Ah took
back mah maiden name!"
Jokes number : 1
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Jokes number : 76
Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new
"Stealth Condom?"
A: "They'll never see you coming."
"Stealth Condom?"
A: "They'll never see you coming."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Jokes number : 66
Q: What's the difference between getting a
divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get
rid of the whole prick!
divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get
rid of the whole prick!
Jokes number : 65
Q: What's the difference
between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.
between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.
Jokes number : 64
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and
sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to
wear out the camel.
sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to
wear out the camel.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Jokes number : 62
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A:
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A:
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Jokes number : 60
Q: What can a
goose do, a duck can't, and a
lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
goose do, a duck can't, and a
lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Jokes number : 57
Question: Why do men always give their penis a
name?
Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent
of their
decisions for them.
name?
Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent
of their
decisions for them.
Jokes number : 56
Question: What is the difference between a woman
in church and a woman in a bathtub?
Answer: One has hope in her
soul, the other has soap in her
hole.
in church and a woman in a bathtub?
Answer: One has hope in her
soul, the other has soap in her
hole.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Jokes number : 53
Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down
his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.
his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.
Jokes number : 51
Question: What's the difference between sin and
shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to
pull it
out.
shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to
pull it
out.
Jokes number : 49
The blonde was at
the blood bank and sold a
pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her
$25, a man was
leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he
had some rare
blood type that he got more than she did. He said no,
that he had
donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood
bank. The
receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde
could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.
the blood bank and sold a
pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her
$25, a man was
leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he
had some rare
blood type that he got more than she did. He said no,
that he had
donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood
bank. The
receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde
could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.
Jokes number : 48
Did you hear the one about the blonde who
thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Jokes number : 47
A blonde and a brunette were talking. The
brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have
to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." The blonde asks,
"Don't you have a vase?"
brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have
to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." The blonde asks,
"Don't you have a vase?"
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Jokes number : 46
"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the
phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet
you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you,
lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you
until dawn." the male voice whispered.
"Scheesch! You're good."
she replied. "You mean you can tell all
that from two hello's?"
phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet
you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you,
lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you
until dawn." the male voice whispered.
"Scheesch! You're good."
she replied. "You mean you can tell all
that from two hello's?"
Jokes number : 45
A
blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
and the pro asked her to take a
swing at a ball to see how she'd
do. The blonde did so and competely
duffed the shot. The pro said
"Your swing is good but you're gripping the
club too hard - grip the
club gently as you would your husband's
penis." The blonde took
another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight
down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it
again only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
and the pro asked her to take a
swing at a ball to see how she'd
do. The blonde did so and competely
duffed the shot. The pro said
"Your swing is good but you're gripping the
club too hard - grip the
club gently as you would your husband's
penis." The blonde took
another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight
down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it
again only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
Jokes number : 44
A lady walks
into the dentist's office,
takes off her underwear, sits down on the
chair and spreads her legs
wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says
the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level
higher." To that the lady
replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's
dentures last
week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
into the dentist's office,
takes off her underwear, sits down on the
chair and spreads her legs
wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says
the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level
higher." To that the lady
replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's
dentures last
week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
Jokes number : 43
This blonde and her boyfriend
were sitting
in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it
true that
if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
were sitting
in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it
true that
if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
Jokes number : 42
A man
got on a plane and sat next to a
blonde, after sitting for awhile she
sneezed, took out a tissue and
whipped her box. The man not knowing her
said nothing and went about
his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she
sneezed again and, the
same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man
got the nerve and
asked "what was wrong?" She said that every time she
sneezes she has an
orgasm. "Oh!" the man said, are you taking
anything for
it?
"Yes", she said - "black pepper!"
got on a plane and sat next to a
blonde, after sitting for awhile she
sneezed, took out a tissue and
whipped her box. The man not knowing her
said nothing and went about
his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she
sneezed again and, the
same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man
got the nerve and
asked "what was wrong?" She said that every time she
sneezes she has an
orgasm. "Oh!" the man said, are you taking
anything for
it?
"Yes", she said - "black pepper!"
Jokes number : 41
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her
what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The
bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine
thanks, and how's your cock?"
what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The
bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine
thanks, and how's your cock?"
Jokes number : 40
A blonde is suffering from a
sore throat so
she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to
the doctor
who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says
"Open
wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with
arms."
sore throat so
she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to
the doctor
who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says
"Open
wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with
arms."
Jokes number : 39
A guy
walked into the doctor's surgery for
an appointment. "Would you like
to tell me your problem?" the
pretty blonde receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the
doctor." "It's rather embarrassing"
the guy stammered. "You see, I
have a very large and almost constant
erection." "Well, the doctor
is very busy today" the receptionist
cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze
you in."
walked into the doctor's surgery for
an appointment. "Would you like
to tell me your problem?" the
pretty blonde receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the
doctor." "It's rather embarrassing"
the guy stammered. "You see, I
have a very large and almost constant
erection." "Well, the doctor
is very busy today" the receptionist
cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze
you in."
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Jokes number : 38
A man comes home from work one night to catch
his blonde
girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out,
"What do you
think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she
replies.
his blonde
girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out,
"What do you
think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she
replies.
Jokes number : 37
Male secretary : "Feel free to use my
dictaphone."
New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger
like
everyone else."
dictaphone."
New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger
like
everyone else."
Jokes number : 36
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to
"iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde
Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without
the gardener.
"iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde
Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without
the gardener.
Jokes number : 35
Three blondes are
sitting on a park bench
eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers,
one is biting hers, one
is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding
ring, YOU SICK-O!
sitting on a park bench
eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers,
one is biting hers, one
is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding
ring, YOU SICK-O!
Jokes number : 34
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and
a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Jokes number : 32
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of
blonde's?
A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and
they
don't mind if you bring friends.
blonde's?
A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and
they
don't mind if you bring friends.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Jokes number : 30
Q: What's the difference
between Indiana
and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
between Indiana
and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Jokes number : 29
Q: What's
the difference between a blonde
and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
the difference between a blonde
and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
Jokes number : 28
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and
an ironing
board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an
ironing board.
an ironing
board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an
ironing board.
Jokes number : 27
Q: How can you tell who is a
blonde's
boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the
impression in
her forehead.
blonde's
boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the
impression in
her forehead.
Jokes number : 26
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Jokes number : 24
Q:
How would a blonde punctuate the
following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry
worry"
A: Fun period fun period
fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
How would a blonde punctuate the
following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry
worry"
A: Fun period fun period
fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Jokes number : 23
Q: What is the definition
of the perfect
woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a
pub.
of the perfect
woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a
pub.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Jokes number : 22
Q: What does a
screen door and a blonde have
in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
screen door and a blonde have
in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Jokes number : 20
Q: Why do blonde's
get confused in the
ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
get confused in the
ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Jokes number : 11
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an
office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses'
faces.
office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses'
faces.
Jokes number : 9
Q. What
did the blonde's left leg say to
her right leg? A: Between the two of
us, we can make a lot of
money.
did the blonde's left leg say to
her right leg? A: Between the two of
us, we can make a lot of
money.
Jokes number : 8
Q: What is a
bellybutton for?
A: It
gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
bellybutton for?
A: It
gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
Jokes number : 7
Q: Why
did the blonde give a blow job after
sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
did the blonde give a blow job after
sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Jokes number : 6
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for
screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change
shoes.
screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change
shoes.
Jokes number : 5
Q: Did you hear
about the conceited
blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.
about the conceited
blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.
Jokes number : 4
Q: What do you call a brunette and three
blondes in a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3
condoms.
blondes in a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3
condoms.
Jokes number : 3
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question
"Are
you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
"Are
you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Jokes number : 100
Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to
squeeze his
left testicle?
A: Because the road sign said
'Squeeze Left.'
squeeze his
left testicle?
A: Because the road sign said
'Squeeze Left.'
Jokes number : 99
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and
then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to
discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
television.
then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to
discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
television.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Jokes number : 98
Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out
of a
blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.
of a
blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.
Jokes number : 97
Q: What do you call a blonde
that can suck a
golfball through a water hose?
A:Sweetheart!
that can suck a
golfball through a water hose?
A:Sweetheart!
Jokes number : 96
Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was
making love with her new boyfriend?
A: "Funny, you don't feel
Jewish."
making love with her new boyfriend?
A: "Funny, you don't feel
Jewish."
Jokes number : 95
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a
condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Jokes number : 93
Q: What's the ultimate
embarrassment for a
blonde?
A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal
detector.
embarrassment for a
blonde?
A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal
detector.
Jokes number : 92
Q: Why did the blonde have
a
hysterectomy?
A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
a
hysterectomy?
A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Jokes number : 91
Q: Why did the blonde make love in the
microwave?
A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
microwave?
A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Jokes number : 88
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his
girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters."
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for
advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks
later the
carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you
getting on with the
girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said
Pinocchio.
girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters."
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for
advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks
later the
carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you
getting on with the
girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said
Pinocchio.
Jokes number : 87
A woman
went to the doctor and complained
that she was suffering from I knee
pains. "Do you indulge in any
activity that puts a lot of pressure on
your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex
on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know,
there are plenty of other
sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch
TV there ain't!"
went to the doctor and complained
that she was suffering from I knee
pains. "Do you indulge in any
activity that puts a lot of pressure on
your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex
on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know,
there are plenty of other
sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch
TV there ain't!"
Jokes number : 86
A truck driver was going down a steep incline
when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple
having sex
in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he
sounded his
horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck'
to a halt
inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hell's
the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You
could have been
killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I
was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only
one with brakes."
when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple
having sex
in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he
sounded his
horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck'
to a halt
inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hell's
the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You
could have been
killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I
was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only
one with brakes."
Jokes number : 85
A male market researcher was calling on homes on
behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use
Vaseline?"
asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for
cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of
course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my
husband
out."
behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use
Vaseline?"
asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for
cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of
course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my
husband
out."
Jokes number : 84
A couple
decided that the only way to have a
quickie while their ten-year- old
son was in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and let him
give a running report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the
boy stood on the
balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has
just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers
are taking
delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you
know the
Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on
the
balcony too."
decided that the only way to have a
quickie while their ten-year- old
son was in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and let him
give a running report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the
boy stood on the
balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has
just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers
are taking
delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you
know the
Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on
the
balcony too."
Jokes number : 83
Why is the space between a
woman's breasts
and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another
pair of tits in there.
woman's breasts
and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another
pair of tits in there.
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