Jokes number : 22

Mandy was
applying for a summer
job.
'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store.
'I'm twelve
years old, Sir,' answered Mandy.
'And what do you expect to be when
you grow up ?'
'Twenty one, Sir.'

Jokes number : 21

Trevor: That's a cool
pair of stockings
you have on Jill. One red and one green.
Jill: Yes, and I have
another pair just like it at home.

Jokes number : 20

Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your
whistle. Your father can't
read his paper.
Jackie: Wow, I'm only
eight and I can read it

Jokes number : 19

Mother: What do you mean, the school must be

haunted ?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the
school
spirit.

Jokes number : 18

Mary arrived home from
school covered in
spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother.
'I don't
know,' replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have
caught
decimals.'

Jokes number : 17

Mother: I told you not eat cake
before
supper.
Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take
an eighth
of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

Jokes number : 16

On the first day at school the girls were

sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on
each
other.
'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little
girl proudly.
'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after
they got divorced. I
come from a four parent family !'

Jokes number : 15

A little
girl was next in line. 'My
name's Curtain,' she said.
'I hope your first name is not Agnate
?'
'No, it's velvet !'

Jokes number : 14

Two girls were talking in the corridor.
'That
boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.
'But
he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.
'That's what's
getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.

Jokes number : 13

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting
for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma ?'

Jokes number : 12

John kept pestering his parents to buy a
video, but they said
they couldn't afford one. So one day John came
home clutching a
package containing a brand-new video.
'Where in
the World did you get the money to pay for that ?' asked
his
father suspiciously.
'It's OK, Dad,' replied John, 'I've traded the
TV in for
it.'

Jokes number : 11

A certain little boy had been spanked
by
his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that

evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum ! your husband's just come

home.'

Jokes number : 10

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen,
'you know that dish you were
always worried that I would break
?'
'Yes dear, what about it ?'
'Well your worries are over.'

Jokes number : 9

George knocked on the door of his friend's

house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert
come out
to play?'
'No, said the mother, 'it's too
cold.'
'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play

?'

Jokes number : 8

Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if
you don't stop playing
that trumpet I think I'll go
crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour

ago.'

Jokes number : 7

'William, I've been told that you have
been fighting
with the boys next door,' said mum.
'yes, but they're twins, so I
wanted some way to tell the
apart.'

Jokes number : 6

Mum: How can
you practice your trumpet
and listen to the radio at the same time ?
Son: Easy. I have two
ears!

Jokes number : 5

Dick and
Jane were arguing furiously over
the breakfast table. ' Oh you're so
stupid!' shouted
Dick.
'Dick!' said their father, 'that's quite enough of that! Now say

you're sorry.'
'OK,' said Dick. 'Jane, I'm sorry you're
stupid.'

Jokes number : 4

Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and

Ben was watching and occasionally helping. ' What are the holes
for ?'
Ben asked.
'They're knot holes,' said his
dad.
'What are they, then, if they're not holes ?' asked Ben.

Jokes number : 3

'Why are you crying, Ted ?' asked his
mum.
'Because my new sneakers hurt.'
'That's because you have put
them on the wrong feet.'
'But they are the only feet I have.'

Jokes number : 2

Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt
shaker yet ?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through
all those
little holes !

Jokes number : 1

Young Jimmy was having a snack
after
school with his Gran. ' Would you like another cookie ?' she

asked.
'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy.
'What good manners you have,'
said his Gran. ' I do like to hear
young people say 'please' and
'thank you'.'
'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of
that cake,' replied
Jimmy !

Jokes number : 100

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose
father was the
stronger. Will said,' Well, you know the Pacific
Ocean ? My father's
the one who dug the hole for it.'
Bill wasn't
impressed, ' Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea
? My
father's the one who killed it !

Jokes number : 99

Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to

know the time, so they began singing at the top of their
voices.
Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted
down
at them "Hey, less noise!, don't you know it's three o'clock
in the
morning!"

Jokes number : 98

As two boys
were passing the rectory, the
minister leaned over the wall and showed
them a ball.
"Is this
yours" he asked
"Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys
"No"
replied the minister
"Then it's mine !"

Jokes number : 97

'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you

help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called

Cotters......'
'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called
?'

Jokes number : 96

Did you
hear about the boy who was known
as Fog ?
He was dense and wet !

Jokes number : 95

A little boy
went into a baker's' 'How
much are those cakes ? he asked
'Two for 25 cents,' said the
baker
' How much does one cost ?' asked the boy
'13 cents,'
said the baker
'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents !' said
the boy

Jokes number : 94

Did you hear about the two little boys who

found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ?
'Quick,'
said one, 'run ! Before they say we did it !

Jokes number : 93

A man out for a walk
came across a little
boy pulling his cat's tail.
'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull
the cat's tail !'
'I'm not pulling !' replied the little boy.
'I'm only holding on -
the cat's pulling !'

Jokes number : 92

A little boy came downstairs crying
late
one night. ' What's wrong ?' asked his mother. Do people really

come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. 'In a way they

do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust
?'.
'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well,
under my
bed there's someone either coming or going !'

Jokes number : 91

What's the matter son?
The boy next door
said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger
than me !

Jokes number : 90

Did
you hear about the boy who wanted to
run away to the circus ?
He ended up in a flea circus !

Jokes number : 89

A little kid is sitting on a park bench
eating
abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he

continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the
kid says
" oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" the
old man
replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all
that chocolate
"oh no sir" says the kid, it was by minding his own
business !

Jokes number : 88

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to
her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.


"How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him!"

Jokes number : 87

Young
Vestal was walking in his Florida
backyard when an alligator bit him.

"Mama!" yelled the boy. "A
gator jus' bit off mah foot!"

"Which one?" called his mother
from inside the cabin.

"How the hell should Ah know?!" he
shrieked. "They all look alike to
me!"

Jokes number : 86

I had a funny dream last night, Mom.
Did
you?
I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was
asleep.

Jokes number : 85

A naughty child was
irritating all the
passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last
one man
could stand it no longer. "Hey kid," he shouted. "Why don't
you go
outside and play?"

Jokes number : 84

Fred: Where does the new kid come from?

Harry: Alaska.
Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.

Jokes number : 83

Mother: Did you get a good place in the

geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in
the class.

Jokes number : 82

Boy: Grandma, do you know how to
croak.
Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says
he'll
be a rich man when you do.

Jokes number : 81

"What
were you before you came to school,
boys and girls?" asked the teacher,
hoping that someone would say
"babies." She was disappointed when all
the children cried out,
"Happy!"

Jokes number : 80

Why was the mother flea
feeling down in
the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the
dogs.

Jokes number : 79

Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
Because
her children were not very bright.

Jokes number : 78

Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond
of fish. She was also
rather deaf, which was great for the children
in her class.
"What Mrs Smith needs," said one of her colleagues,
"is a
herring-aid."

Jokes number : 77

Tyler was
excited about his first day at
school. So excited in fact, that only a few
minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to
go to the bathroom.
So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he
could be excused.


Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick.
Five
minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I
can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat
Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and
asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked
at the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he
returned to the class room and says to the
teacher, "I can't find
it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a
boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the
bathroom.

So,
Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return
r
and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Tommy, "Well,
did you find it?" Tommy is quick with
his reply, "Oh sure, he just
had his boxer shorts on
backwards."

Jokes number : 76

A little girl was playing in the garden when
she
spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.


"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.


"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the
other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her
father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."

The little
girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them
flat.

"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."

Jokes number : 75

Little Johnny came home from school
with
a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble

telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please

sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother

takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes
the
door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",
she said, so
Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.


"O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take

off my bra", which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off
my panties". Johnny finishes
removing these too.

His mother
then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to
school
anymore!"

Jokes number : 74

A man is walking down the street one day when

he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house

across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too
high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for
some time,
the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow

and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and

gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the
childs level, the man smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my
little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

Jokes number : 73

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten

teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son
handed
her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I
bet I
know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the
boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she
said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what
it is
- a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you
know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the
teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She
touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher
repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy
replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy
replied, "A puppy!"

Jokes number : 72

A precious little girl walks
into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do
you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he
gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks,


"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"


She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet
python
weally gives a thit."

Jokes number : 71

A mother was teaching her
3-year-old the
Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she
repeated it
after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right
up
to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she

prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

Jokes number : 70

On the way to
preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her
little girl picked it
up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my
friend, 'my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!' Then the
child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome
to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"

Jokes number : 69

A little boy opened the big and old family

Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Then
something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at
it
closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between
pages.
"Mommy, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got
there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment
in the young boy's
voice he answered: "It's Adam's
clothes!!!!!"

Jokes number : 68

"Doctor," said the
patient, "I need help! I
can't stop acting like a cat!"
"How long have you had this problem?"
the doctor asked.
"Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the
litter in '41

Jokes number : 67

When you call a dog, they usually come to

you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.

Jokes number : 66

Q: Why couldn't the cat speak?

A: The dog
taped his mouth.

Jokes number : 65

If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An
a-cat-emy award.

Jokes number : 64

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because
of the tree bark.

Jokes number : 63

A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse

me", he said to
the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?"
"Sure," replied
the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a
minute!"

Jokes number : 62

What is an octopus?
An eight-sided cat.

Jokes number : 61

What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not
tabby !

Jokes number : 60

What is another way to describe
a cat ?
A
heat seeking missile !

Jokes number : 59

Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !

Jokes number : 58

When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !

Jokes number : 57

Which big cat should
you never play cards with
?
A cheetah !

Jokes number : 56

Teacher: Name four members of the cat
family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Jokes number : 55

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're
very mewsical.

Jokes number : 54

What do you call a black cat than can spring up to

a six foot wall ?
A good jumpurr !

Jokes number : 53

What is a black cat's favourite TV show
?
Miami Mice !

Jokes number : 52

What's furry, has whiskers and
chases outlaws
?
A posse cat !

Jokes number : 51

What did the black cat say
to the fish
?
I've got a bone to pick with you !

Jokes number : 50

Why do black cats never shave ?
Because 8 out
of 10 cats prefer whiskas !

Jokes number : 49

When is it unlucky to see a black cat ?
When
your a mouse !

Jokes number : 48

Why did the cat sleep under the
car
?
Because she wanted to wake up oily !

Jokes number : 47

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin
?
There was some money in the kitty !

Jokes number : 46

Why are cats longer
in the evening than they
are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and
taking in in the morning
!

Jokes number : 45

What did the cat do when he swallowed some

cheese ?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !

Jokes number : 44

What is another way to describe a cat ?
A heat
seeking missile !

Jokes number : 43

What does a cat call a bowl of mice ?
A
purrfect meal !

Jokes number : 42

What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in
boots !

Jokes number : 41

What works in a circus, walks a
tightrope and
has claws ?
An acrocat !

Jokes number : 40

Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !

Jokes number : 39

When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !

Jokes number : 38

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge
?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !

Jokes number : 37

What cat purrs more than any other ?
Purrsians
!

Jokes number : 36

On what should you mount a statue of your cat
?
A caterpillar !

Jokes number : 35

What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers
!

Jokes number : 34

Why do cats chase birds ?
For a lark !

Jokes number : 33

What kind of cat should you take into the

desert ?
A first aid kitty !

Jokes number : 32

What do you call a cat that has just
eaten a
whole duck ?
A duck filled fatty puss !

Jokes number : 31

Why is a crazy marmalade cat like
a biscuit
?
They are both ginger nuts !

Jokes number : 30

Why do tomcats fight ?
Because they like
raising a stink !

Jokes number : 29

What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on

the sea ?
A catameringue !

Jokes number : 28

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out.
How
many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats !

Jokes number : 27

What do you get if you cross a cat
with Father
Christmas ?
Santa Claws !

Jokes number : 26

How do you know that cats are sensitive
creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk !

Jokes number : 25

What is cleverer than a talking cat ?
A
spelling bee !

Jokes number : 24

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle
of
vinegar ?
A sourpuss !

Jokes number : 23

Who was the most powerful
cat in China
?
Chairman Miaow !

Jokes number : 22

Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because
she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

Jokes number : 21

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes
to
swim ?
An octopuss !

Jokes number : 20

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree
?
A cat-a-logue !

Jokes number : 19

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
A
catastrophe !

Jokes number : 18

What noise does a cat make going down the highway

?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

Jokes number : 17

How is cat food sold ?
Usually purr can !

Jokes number : 16

What is the cat's favourite TV
show ?
The
evening mews !

Jokes number : 15

What do you get if you cross
a cat and a
gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !

Jokes number : 14

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling
?
She's got that down in the mouth look !

Jokes number : 13

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold
?
He has cat-arrh !

Jokes number : 12

What did the cat say when he lost all his money

?
I'm paw !

Jokes number : 11

What do cat
actors say on stage ?
Tabby or
not tabby !

Jokes number : 10

How do cats
eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

Jokes number : 9

How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

Jokes number : 8

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot
?
A carrot !

Jokes number : 7

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool
?
She had mittens !

Jokes number : 6

What looks like half a cat ?
The other half
!

Jokes number : 5

Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is
it on
fire ?

Jokes number : 4

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed

me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and
take
good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey,
these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a God!

Jokes number : 3

Q: What do you call a cat when he first wakes up
with the alarm
clock? - A: Catsup!

Jokes number : 2

Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they
love a good
gag!

Jokes number : 1

Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? -
A:
A paws!

Jokes number : 100

Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her
kittens? - A: Because she
wanted to mail a litter.

Jokes number : 99

Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a

cat-alogue!

Jokes number : 98

Q: What kind of
cats lay around the house? -
A: Car-pets!

Jokes number : 97

Q: What kind
of work does a weak cat do? - A:
Light mouse work.

Jokes number : 96

Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A:
Spa-catti!

Jokes number : 95

Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A:

Petatoes!

Jokes number : 94

Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the

mouse? - A: Catch.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What do you call a
cat who's joined the
Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!

Jokes number : 92

Q: What do
you call a cat who eats lemons? -
A: A sourpuss!

Jokes number : 91

Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're
purr-fect!

Jokes number : 90

Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch

Paper!

Jokes number : 89

Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three

Blind Mice!

Jokes number : 88

Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

- A: It's meow-sic to their ears!

Jokes number : 87

Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? -
A: You're the
purrfect cat for me!

Jokes number : 86

Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A:

Catnip!

Jokes number : 85

Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
- A:
Mice cream

Jokes number : 84

Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing,

scratching cat fight? - A: Claude

Jokes number : 83

Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man

drive?
A: A LOCOmotive.

Jokes number : 82

Q. What has one horn and gives milk?

A A milk truck.

Jokes number : 81

The only thing wrong with a perfect
drive to work is that you
end up at work.

Jokes number : 80

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.

Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom
looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled
and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that
fast!"

Jokes number : 79

Q: What did the first stoplight say to
the second
stoplight?
A: Don't look I'm changing!!

Jokes number : 78

What do you get if you cross an Egyptian

mummy with a car mechanic?
Toot and Car Man.

Jokes number : 77

I saw the most beautiful
cars in the
window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and
said:
'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'

Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

Jokes number : 76

A businessman was traveling in the train
and his
seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every
time the train
stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all
shops to
purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and
every time he was
remembering that's all happened because I am in the
last couch. When he got
down at the destination station, he asked
the station person that he
wants to lodge a complaint against the
railway staff. The complaints and
suggestions book was given to him
and he wrote: " There should not be
any last couch in the train. If
there is any last couch in the train,
it should be kept somewhere
in the middle.

Jokes number : 75

A sardarji
was working as editor in
a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to
Bombay to deliver a
speech about railway department improvements. His
coach was the last
coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and
so
sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare
for the
speech.

Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his
first point
towards improvement of railway department was: "There
should not be last
coach in any train."

Jokes number : 74

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.'
Ghost: Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but
my mother made me give it back.

Jokes number : 73

What do you get when you put a car and a

pet together ?
Carpet !

Jokes number : 72

Q) What's worse than raining
buckets?
A) Hailing taxis!

Jokes number : 71

Q: What do you call a laughing
motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Jokes number : 70

What do you call a group of cars ?
A
clutch !

Jokes number : 69

What do you call someone who draws funny
pictures of
motor vehicles ?
A car-toonist !

Jokes number : 68

What do you call a person who falls onto

you on a train ?
A laplander !

Jokes number : 67

What do you call a pretend railway
?
A play station !

Jokes number : 66

Why did the man put his car in the
oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.

Jokes number : 65

What did the man put on his car when

the weather was cold?
An extra muffler.

Jokes number : 64

What is a banged-up used
car?
A
car in first-crash condition.

Jokes number : 63

What did the big carburettor say to the

little carburettor?
"Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke."

Jokes number : 62

What would you have if your car's

motor was in flames?
A fire engine.

Jokes number : 61

What happens if an
axe falls on your
car?
You have an ax-i-dent (accident).

Jokes number : 60

What is the difference between a

locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other
trains the mind.

Jokes number : 59

Where do cars get the most
flat
tires?
Where there is a fork in the road.

Jokes number : 58

What kind of car drives over
water?
Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.

Jokes number : 57

Who drives away all of his
customers?
A taxicab driver.

Jokes number : 56

What kind of ears do trains
have?
Engineers (engine ears).

Jokes number : 55

What driver doesn't have a

license?
A screw driver.

Jokes number : 54

If an electric train travels 90

miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the

north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke
from an electric train!

Jokes number : 53

What is the best thing to take when

you're run over?
The number of the car that hit you.

Jokes number : 52

What part of a car is the
laziest?
The wheels. They are always tired.

Jokes number : 51

What did the jack say to the
car?
"Can I give you a lift?"

Jokes number : 50

Why is an old car like a baby
playing?
Because it goes with a rattle.

Jokes number : 49

What song does a car radio play?
A
cartoon (car, tune).

Jokes number : 48

What did one car muffler say to the
other
car muffler?
"Am I exhausted!"

Jokes number : 47

Teacher: "Who built the first American
car?"
Student: "Me Pilgrims."
Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"

Student: "Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact."

Jokes number : 46

What do you call a pig who's been
arrested for dangerous driving
?
A road hog !

Jokes number : 45

Auntie Gladys
bought herself a new
rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for
a spin, but
after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got
out and
opened up the front of the car. 'Oh, Gladys,' said her
friend,
'you've lost your engine!'
'Never mind dear,' said auntie.
'I've got a spare one in the
trunk.'

Jokes number : 44

Did you hear about
the girl who was
so keen on road safety that she always wore white at
night
?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough

Jokes number : 43

Why did your sister refuse the gift of a

Japanese car ?
Because she'd never be able to learn the
language

Jokes number : 42

Brother: How do you top a car
?
Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.

Jokes number : 41

Who drives away all
his customers
?
A taxi driver.

Jokes number : 40

Why was the school
principal not
pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?
They were both driving
their cars at the time !

Jokes number : 39

A monster goes to a petrol station and
says: Fill me up
The man at the petrol station replies: You have to
have a car for me to
do that!.
The monster replies: But I had a
car for lunch!

Jokes number : 38

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and

staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting
opposite
said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone
deaf
!'

Jokes number : 37

A tiny
racing car was developed by
American scientists. The Americans then sent
the car over to Japan
to see what the Japanese could do to better the
car. The Japanese
added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than
sent it to
the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a
sound
system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese,
who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent

it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car,

appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it

over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!

Jokes number : 36

Personally, I like
to stay and read
the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to
black and
people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There
are only
enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

Jokes number : 35

A man was fed up of
having his car
broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he
would remove
it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there
is no
point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he

returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new

note where his had left his, saying just checking.!

Jokes number : 34

A
Roadway driver is driving east on
Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and
the CB crackles to life .


"Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?"
comes
from the CB.



The Roadway driver replies . "I
don't know" .

The other trucker says " You and your brother
".

Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells
him
"Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you
see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees

another truck .he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know
who
the two biggest poofs in the world are?"

The other trucker
says " I don't know who?"

The roadway driver replies " Me and
my brother"

Jokes number : 33

I was going 70 miles an hour and got

stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per
hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long.-

Jokes number : 32

When I get real bored, I
like to
drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car
and
count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Jokes number : 31

Jill's car was unreliable and she
called John for a ride every time
it broke down.

One day John
got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this
time?" he
asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get
me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore,"
Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill
replied, "It's in here with me."

Jokes number : 30

A man learned shortly before quitting
time
that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully
to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not
be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one
fellow and left it on his desk:
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and
found this note: "Meet
us at the bar and grill across the street.
You drove today, you
idiot."

Jokes number : 29

The train was about to pull out of the
station. Swinging a
large bag, a young man managed to reach the
train, throw his bag in and
climb aboard, gasping for air.


seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better

shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and

still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took
a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train
at the *last*
station."

Jokes number : 28

Did you ever see a country boy in New

York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers,

"Taxi!"

Jokes number : 27

Blake and his parents were
drinking
at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three

of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that

they had missed the train.

"The next train is in one hour,"
said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The
parents had another drink; Blake
had a Pepsi.

Again they
heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling
away.


"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.


An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the

platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The
boy was
left standing on the platform and began to laugh
uproariously.

"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why
are you
laughing?"

"They came to see me off!"

Jokes number : 26

Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred
eighty pounds, was thrown from
his seat when the Southern Railway train
he was riding derailed.

The giant teenager flew a dozen feet
through the air before hitting
headfirst against a steel partition.
For a moment Dilmer lay dazed,
rubbing his head. The conductor came
by and kneeled down beside him.

"Don't move!" said the
conductor. "We've called an ambulance."

"Naw," said the boy, getting
to his feet. "I ain't hurt so bad.
That steel wall musta broke my
fall!"

Jokes number : 25

A San Francisco motorist following a

taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it

stopped suddenly.

"Why didn't you let me know you were going
to stop?" he yelled into
the mist.

"Why should I?" came a
voice out of the fog. "I'm in my own
garage!"

Jokes number : 24

McAfee and Bracket were driving home
after a big party.

"Hey," said McAfee, "be sure to watch out for
that bridge that's
coming down the road toward us."

"What
are you telling me to 'watch out' for?" asked Brackett.
"You're
the one who's driving!"

Jokes number : 23

"Where's the car?" asked Professor

Delbert's wife when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"


"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose you're
right, my dear. I remember now that after I got
out, I turned to
thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd
gone."

Jokes number : 22

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take
to change a light
bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer
and five to go out for more
bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all
the bulbs he has until he finds one that
fits, and the other to
tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the
whole socket.

Jokes number : 21

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it
take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: What ? Go all the way up there
and come back empty ? You must be
jokin' mate !

Jokes number : 20

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most

Wanted."

Jokes number : 19

Policeman:
Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of
gas.

Jokes number : 18

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.

Jokes number : 17

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.

Jokes number : 16

Policeman: Why were
you speeding
when I stopped you?
Motorist: So I could race home to get my license
and
registration.

Jokes number : 15

Policeman: Why were you
driving
around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a
merry-go-round.

Jokes number : 14

Policeman: Why were you
asleep at
the wheel?
Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

Jokes number : 13

Policeman: Why have you parked your bus

here?
Bus Driver: The sign says "Bus Stop."

Jokes number : 12

Policeman: Why didn't
you stop at
that red light?
Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.

Jokes number : 11

Policeman: Why
didn't you obey that
stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Jokes number : 10

Policeman: Why did your car
just
spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my
mind.

Jokes number : 9

Policeman: Why did
you stop your
car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The
light just turned yellow.

Jokes number : 8

Policeman: Why did you lead me on a

high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow
one.

Jokes number : 7

Policeman: Why did you
crash into
that stop sign?
Motorist: I was only following orders.

Jokes number : 6

Policeman: Why are you
driving
without a license?
Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.

Jokes number : 5

Policeman: Why are you
driving that
car in circles?
Driver: I was just going for a little spin.

Jokes number : 4

Policeman: Why are you driving on the
sidewalk?
Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.

Jokes number : 3

Policeman: What do you think you're

doing parking your car there?
Motorist: I thought it was good
place. It says "Safety
Zone."

Jokes number : 2

Policeman: What do you think you're
doing driving through that
intersection fifty miles an
hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an

accident.

Jokes number : 1

Policeman: I've had my eye on you for
some
time now.
Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were
arresting me for
speeding.

Jokes number : 100

Policeman: I suppose
you're going
to tell me you weren't speeding.
Motorist: I was speeding all right,
but I was testing you to see if you
were paying attention.

Jokes number : 99

Policeman: How can you say
you
don't have any outstanding tickets?
Driver: They're all in the glove
compartment.

Jokes number : 98

Policeman: How can you drive so

recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.

Jokes number : 97

Policeman: Do you know
how fast you
were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.

Jokes number : 96

Policeman: Didn't you see
the signs
with the speed limit?
Driver: I thought they were just
suggestions.

Jokes number : 95

Policeman:
Didn't you see that stop
sign?
Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

Jokes number : 94

Policeman: Didn't you see my
lights
flashing?
Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of
light.

Jokes number : 93

Policeman: Didn't you hear my
siren?
Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.

Jokes number : 92

Policeman: Didn't you hear me

whistle at you?
Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

Jokes number : 91

Policeman: Did you realize you just

missed that bus with your car?
Motorist: Did you want me to hit
it?

Jokes number : 90

Policeman: Are you going
to a
fire?
Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said

would happen if I were late again.

Jokes number : 89

Police Officer: Why were you
speeding?
Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

Jokes number : 88

Police Officer: Why are you driving in a

bathing suit?
Motorist: I'm in a car pool.

Jokes number : 87

Motorist: Does a deer have a
horn?
Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.
Motorist: Then it must have
been a car that ran over my uncle.

Jokes number : 86

Motorist: When I bought this car you
told me it
was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with
rust
Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it,

did we?

Jokes number : 85

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Jokes number : 84

What's the difference between a

schoolteacher and a train driver?
A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that
toffee" and a train says,
"Choo, choo."

Jokes number : 83

Why is it not safe to doze on trains?

Because they run over sleepers.

Jokes number : 82

How did the woman feel when she got run
over by a
car?
Tired.

Jokes number : 81

A passenger train is creeping along,
slowly. Finally it creaks to a
halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the
window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes
later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes,
however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk
again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch
up
with the cow again?"

Jokes number : 80

A motorist ran into a shop.
"Do you
own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the
manager.
"Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a
nun."

Jokes number : 79

My sister's a really bad driver.

What makes you say that?
Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts
a glass panel in the floor
so that she can see who she's run
over.

Jokes number : 78

You know all that talk about backseat

driving?

Well, I've been driving all my life and can safely
say that I've
never heard a word from the back seat.

What
kind of car do you drive?

A hearse!

Jokes number : 77

A man whose son had just passed his
driving
test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven
slap into
the living room. "How did you manage to do that?" he fumed.
"Quite
simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned
left!"

Jokes number : 76

"Take the wheel, Harry!" said the
nervous lady driver. "There's a tree
coming straight for us!"

Jokes number : 75

Learner driver: What happens when

everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong

lane.