What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby
snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Jokes number : 9
How can you tell the difference between a
monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.
monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.
Jokes number : 7
Knock knock
Who's
there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana
who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you
glad I didn't say banana ?
Who's
there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana
who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you
glad I didn't say banana ?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Jokes number : 2
Why is a banana peel on the
sidewalk like
music?
Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
sidewalk like
music?
Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
Jokes number : 1
What is the difference between a banana and a
bell?
You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
bell?
You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
Jokes number : 98
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up
and beg?
Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
and beg?
Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Jokes number : 96
Mother Banana: Why didn't you go
to school
today?
Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
to school
today?
Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Jokes number : 94
What is yellow on the inside and green on the
outside ?
A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
outside ?
A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Jokes number : 93
Why are
you eating a banana with the skin
on?
Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
you eating a banana with the skin
on?
Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Jokes number : 92
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they
don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Because they
don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Jokes number : 90
How did the Mother Banana
spoil the Baby
Banana?
She left him out in the sun too long.
spoil the Baby
Banana?
She left him out in the sun too long.
Jokes number : 89
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing
firm?
He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
firm?
He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Jokes number : 83
They're not going to grow bananas any
longer.
Really?
Why not?
Because they're long enough
already.
longer.
Really?
Why not?
Because they're long enough
already.
Jokes number : 79
How can you tell the difference between a
monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.
monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Jokes number : 78
"I've never flown before, said the
nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't
you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left
anyone up there yet!"
nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't
you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left
anyone up there yet!"
Jokes number : 77
After an overnight flight to meet my father
at
his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped
customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief,
''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children
and this luggage
belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my
mother said with a sigh, ''they're all
mine.''
The
customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I
would have used them by now.''
at
his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped
customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief,
''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children
and this luggage
belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my
mother said with a sigh, ''they're all
mine.''
The
customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I
would have used them by now.''
Jokes number : 76
Once as Laloo was coming out of airport,
there was huge rush
and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."
To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
there was huge rush
and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."
To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
Jokes number : 75
Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?" "I want to
complain about this airline. Every time I
fly, I get the same seat, I
can't see the in-flight movie and there are
no windows blinds so I
can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the
plane."
"Yes, Sir?" "I want to
complain about this airline. Every time I
fly, I get the same seat, I
can't see the in-flight movie and there are
no windows blinds so I
can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the
plane."
Jokes number : 74
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."
Pepsi-Cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."
Jokes number : 73
A small twin-prop
commuter plane was
hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who
vowed to kill one
of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were
two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast
geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they
shouldn't
be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1
minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are
model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and
finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the
hijacker in
tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist
who said,
"let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important
discipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who
exclaimed "Shoot
me! Shoot me!"
commuter plane was
hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who
vowed to kill one
of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were
two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast
geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they
shouldn't
be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1
minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are
model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and
finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the
hijacker in
tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist
who said,
"let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important
discipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who
exclaimed "Shoot
me! Shoot me!"
Jokes number : 72
A husband suspects his wife is having an
affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the
husband
just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you
once, I've told you twice, I've told you
niner thousand times,
negative on the affair ..."
affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the
husband
just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you
once, I've told you twice, I've told you
niner thousand times,
negative on the affair ..."
Jokes number : 71
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
"
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument
Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
"
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument
Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Jokes number : 70
On a flight
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet
you're not
now!"
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet
you're not
now!"
Jokes number : 69
"Flight 1234, are you
ready to copy
holding instructions?"
"Center, make that request on the next
frequency...."
ready to copy
holding instructions?"
"Center, make that request on the next
frequency...."
Jokes number : 68
"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your
wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
Jokes number : 67
Little boy to airline pilot:
"You're
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."
Pilot:
"Not if I
do it right."
"You're
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."
Pilot:
"Not if I
do it right."
Jokes number : 66
A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
Jokes number : 65
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
Jokes number : 64
After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
Jokes number : 63
How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Jokes number : 62
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a
modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is
there to bite the captain
if he tries to touch the controls, and the
co-pilot is there to feed the
dog.
modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is
there to bite the captain
if he tries to touch the controls, and the
co-pilot is there to feed the
dog.
Jokes number : 61
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a
major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000
tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a
major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000
tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"
Jokes number : 60
McNally was taking his first plane ride,
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. "It's
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?"
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. "It's
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?"
Jokes number : 59
As a crowded airliner is about to
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment
to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask
s
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I
showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose."
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment
to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask
s
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I
showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose."
Jokes number : 58
An airline captain was breaking in a very
pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of
your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied,
"There are only three doors in here, "she
cried," one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says 'Do Not
Disturb'!"
pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of
your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied,
"There are only three doors in here, "she
cried," one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says 'Do Not
Disturb'!"
Jokes number : 57
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me
to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he
would
always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer
questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the
reserve doesn't
open, how long do we have until we hit the
ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and
answered,
"The rest of your life."
to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he
would
always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer
questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the
reserve doesn't
open, how long do we have until we hit the
ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and
answered,
"The rest of your life."
Jokes number : 55
According to "The Australian," an airliner
recently encountered severe
vibration in flight.
The captain
decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the
seat belt
sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger
emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been
jogging in place
inside.
recently encountered severe
vibration in flight.
The captain
decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the
seat belt
sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger
emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been
jogging in place
inside.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Jokes number : 54
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.
"Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.
Jokes number : 53
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
Jokes number : 52
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
Jokes number : 51
Flight fifty
has a pretty rough time
above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the
intercom: "Ladies and
gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and
assume crash
positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put
this baby as
gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there
any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a
little old lady,
terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a
special
gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for
emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and
legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the
little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they
won't enjoy it so
much".
has a pretty rough time
above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the
intercom: "Ladies and
gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and
assume crash
positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put
this baby as
gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there
any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a
little old lady,
terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a
special
gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for
emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and
legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the
little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they
won't enjoy it so
much".
Jokes number : 50
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip
went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back home. The airport
on the other end had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a
scrooge) Going to
check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had
become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging
mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointer parts, that could be
taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if we were
married, I would not want to
kiss you under such a ghastly mo
ckery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the
mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which
is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back home. The airport
on the other end had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a
scrooge) Going to
check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had
become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging
mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointer parts, that could be
taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if we were
married, I would not want to
kiss you under such a ghastly mo
ckery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the
mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which
is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
Jokes number : 49
At the airport for a business trip, I settled
down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard
the
voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for
the
inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate
41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we
gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just
as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program.
down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard
the
voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for
the
inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate
41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we
gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just
as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program.
Jokes number : 48
A
blind man was describing his favorite
sport, parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said
that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door with my
seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My
hand is placed on my
release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know
when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense
of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet
from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift
your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
blind man was describing his favorite
sport, parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said
that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door with my
seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My
hand is placed on my
release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know
when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense
of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet
from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift
your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
Jokes number : 47
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural
America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended
on
the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The
aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left
smoldering in a
tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the
smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or
the President's
staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was
plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing at all happened. They
hurried over to surround the
man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior
Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath.
"Did
you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of
the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any
survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight o
ut." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done
buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."
"The
President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his
work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he
is."
America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended
on
the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The
aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left
smoldering in a
tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the
smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or
the President's
staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was
plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing at all happened. They
hurried over to surround the
man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior
Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath.
"Did
you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of
the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any
survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight o
ut." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done
buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."
"The
President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his
work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he
is."
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Jokes number : 46
A blonde gets
an opportunity to fly to a
nearby country. She has never been on an
airplane anywhere and was
very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded
the plane, a
Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over
seat to seat
and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!
BO....."
She
sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
"Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and
everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of
a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
an opportunity to fly to a
nearby country. She has never been on an
airplane anywhere and was
very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded
the plane, a
Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over
seat to seat
and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!
BO....."
She
sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
"Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and
everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of
a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Jokes number : 45
One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the
pilot to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally
appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit
through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles
down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their
eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not
react thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with
some uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
So
me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway
left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and
is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the
passengers aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to
take off!"
airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the
pilot to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally
appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit
through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles
down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their
eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not
react thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with
some uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
So
me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway
left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and
is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the
passengers aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to
take off!"
Jokes number : 44
Bill Clinton,
Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al
Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air
Force 1 on their way to
visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing
Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out
the window and
make someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the
window and make
ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window
and make me and Tipper
happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump
out the window and make everybody
throughout the United States and
world happy."
Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al
Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air
Force 1 on their way to
visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing
Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out
the window and
make someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the
window and make
ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window
and make me and Tipper
happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump
out the window and make everybody
throughout the United States and
world happy."
Jokes number : 43
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf
of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight
602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of
the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe
that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of
the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing
has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving
at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the
air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight
602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of
the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe
that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of
the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing
has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving
at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the
air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
Jokes number : 42
A man jumps out of an airplane with a
parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He
doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth
rapidly
approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the
parachute
and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past
his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet, another man goes
shooting up past him. In desperation, the man
with the chute looks up
and yells, "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you
know anything
about gas stoves?!"
parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He
doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth
rapidly
approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the
parachute
and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past
his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet, another man goes
shooting up past him. In desperation, the man
with the chute looks up
and yells, "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you
know anything
about gas stoves?!"
Jokes number : 41
An airliner was having engine
trouble,
and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few
minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the
reply, "except the lawyers
are still going around passing out business
cards."
trouble,
and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few
minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the
reply, "except the lawyers
are still going around passing out business
cards."
Jokes number : 40
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in
the
first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to
her and
tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class
ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good
job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who
asks the blonde
to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to
do at this point because
they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off;
the blode is causing a problem with
boarding now, so the stewardess gets
the copilot.
The copilot
goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head
st
ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move
to
her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front
half of the
airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
the
first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to
her and
tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class
ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good
job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who
asks the blonde
to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to
do at this point because
they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off;
the blode is causing a problem with
boarding now, so the stewardess gets
the copilot.
The copilot
goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head
st
ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move
to
her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front
half of the
airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Jokes number : 39
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised
to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for
a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you
cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot
and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her
the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky
you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man
tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I'll kick
you".
The next moment, both
he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot
turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you
complain too
much!"
to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for
a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you
cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot
and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her
the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky
you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man
tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I'll kick
you".
The next moment, both
he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot
turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you
complain too
much!"
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Jokes number : 38
A small two-seater Cessna
152 plane
crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central
Poland. Polish
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
152 plane
crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central
Poland. Polish
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
Jokes number : 37
A military cargo plane, flying over a
populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot
tries
to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he
yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the
plane
lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts
the pilot. So
they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They
heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls
out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into
a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol
hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's
crying even harder. Again
they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle
hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a
boy on the sidewalk who's
laughing hysterically. They ask h
im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy
replies, "I sneezed and a
house blew up!"
populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot
tries
to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he
yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the
plane
lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts
the pilot. So
they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They
heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls
out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into
a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol
hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's
crying even harder. Again
they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle
hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a
boy on the sidewalk who's
laughing hysterically. They ask h
im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy
replies, "I sneezed and a
house blew up!"
Jokes number : 36
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks,"
replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks,"
replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Jokes number : 35
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
Jokes number : 34
USAir recently introduced a special
half
fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking
how
they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking,
"What
trip?"
half
fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking
how
they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking,
"What
trip?"
Jokes number : 33
"Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
other adults
acting like children."
lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
other adults
acting like children."
Jokes number : 32
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft
declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir.
It's only the same pilot.
declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir.
It's only the same pilot.
Jokes number : 31
Tower: What's your heigth and
position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Jokes number : 29
Tower:
Mission triple-three, do you have
problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging
the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument
panel..
Mission triple-three, do you have
problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging
the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument
panel..
Jokes number : 28
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're
number one,
check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ..... We've
checked, they're all working.
number one,
check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ..... We've
checked, they're all working.
Jokes number : 27
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light
burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights
burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights
burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
Jokes number : 25
Tower:
Have you got enough fuel or
not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Have you got enough fuel or
not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Jokes number : 24
Tower: Shamu two-two, please
state
estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday
would be nice...
state
estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday
would be nice...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Jokes number : 22
How many pilots does it take to change a
light
bulb?
None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
light
bulb?
None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
Jokes number : 21
A man walks up to the
counter at the
airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip
ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right
back to here."
counter at the
airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip
ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right
back to here."
Jokes number : 20
A man telephoned an airline office in New
York
and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk
said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
York
and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk
said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
Jokes number : 19
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
Jokes number : 18
"Flight 1234, for noise
abatement turn
right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise
can we make up
here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707
makes when it hits a
727?"
abatement turn
right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise
can we make up
here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707
makes when it hits a
727?"
Jokes number : 17
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was
flying
escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog,
flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog
said over the
air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
flying
escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog,
flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog
said over the
air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
Jokes number : 16
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
Jokes number : 15
Taxiing down the tarmac,
the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"
"The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight
attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"
"The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight
attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Jokes number : 14
An airplane was flying from LA to New York.
About an
hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an
engine,
but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5
hours
it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the
pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we
still have two
left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New
York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A
third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a
single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new
York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that
last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
About an
hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an
engine,
but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5
hours
it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the
pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we
still have two
left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New
York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A
third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a
single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new
York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that
last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
Jokes number : 13
While cruising at 40,000
feet, the
airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he
screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers
left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on
the other
side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the
pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone
that there was
nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor
seemed made most of the
passengers feel better, and they sat down as
the pilot calmly walked to
the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under
the seatsand began handing them to
the flight attendants. Each crew
member attatched the package to
their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't tho
se parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger
went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry
about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
feet, the
airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he
screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers
left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on
the other
side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the
pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone
that there was
nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor
seemed made most of the
passengers feel better, and they sat down as
the pilot calmly walked to
the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under
the seatsand began handing them to
the flight attendants. Each crew
member attatched the package to
their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't tho
se parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger
went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry
about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
Jokes number : 12
As the airliner was preparing to land in
Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.
"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.
"Surely,"
said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The
planes in
Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"
Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.
"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.
"Surely,"
said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The
planes in
Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"
Jokes number : 11
After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
Jokes number : 10
How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
Jokes number : 9
An airplane pilot dies at the controls.
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.
The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going
through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,
and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve
emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.
The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going
through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,
and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve
emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
Jokes number : 8
It was mealtime on a small airline and the
flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like
dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like
dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
Jokes number : 7
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Jokes number : 6
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival
announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
Jokes number : 5
After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
Jokes number : 4
An
airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or
were we shot down?"
airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or
were we shot down?"
Jokes number : 3
Another flight
Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Jokes number : 2
From the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
Jokes number : 1
United
Airlines FA: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in
Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd
like to thank you for
flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage
that shifted
during our so called "touch down."
Airlines FA: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in
Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd
like to thank you for
flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage
that shifted
during our so called "touch down."
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Jokes number : 20
What's an extroverted accountant?
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
Jokes number : 19
Q: How many Accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Jokes number : 18
A tourist, visiting a small town in
Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."
Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."
Jokes number : 17
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of
uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%
superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%
superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
Jokes number : 16
A young accountant, straight out
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is
interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from
scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford
to
pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first
worry."
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is
interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from
scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford
to
pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first
worry."
Jokes number : 15
An
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the
tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there
might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never
find
anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was
offered a better job
elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he
was drinking in a pub when the
shifty character walked in. On a
n impulse the auditor went up to him and
said, "Look, I've left
the company, I'm not interested in taking it
any further and I
won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were
you
taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the
tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there
might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never
find
anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was
offered a better job
elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he
was drinking in a pub when the
shifty character walked in. On a
n impulse the auditor went up to him and
said, "Look, I've left
the company, I'm not interested in taking it
any further and I
won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were
you
taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
Jokes number : 14
Three partners
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,
give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for
ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook
Islands, give
me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax
schemes and leave
me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash
of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the
senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two ba
ck in the office straight after lunch."
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,
give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for
ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook
Islands, give
me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax
schemes and leave
me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash
of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the
senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two ba
ck in the office straight after lunch."
Jokes number : 13
An
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to
say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to
say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."
Jokes number : 12
A man walking along a country road comes
across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a
while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any
sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer
says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your
occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met
me before" and
says "Righto. You're on".
The farmer says,
"You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."
The man whistles
. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"put my dog down and I'll tell you."
across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a
while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any
sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer
says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your
occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met
me before" and
says "Righto. You're on".
The farmer says,
"You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."
The man whistles
. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"put my dog down and I'll tell you."
Jokes number : 11
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the
accountant. "Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in
."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that
St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were
all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant
was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was ti
me to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up
at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time to spend a day in
heaven."
So the accountant spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in
hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your
eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand,"
stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had
a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're
staff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.
There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They
ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says
"What
is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and
says "Thirty five." When the in
terview is over
he goes outside, takes out his calculator and
finds the correct answer
is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew
that" and goes home very
disappointed.
Next day he is rung up
and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he
says, "but what about
nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't
right"
"We know,
but of all the candidates you came the closest."
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the
accountant. "Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in
."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that
St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were
all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant
was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was ti
me to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up
at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time to spend a day in
heaven."
So the accountant spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in
hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your
eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand,"
stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had
a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're
staff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.
There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They
ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says
"What
is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and
says "Thirty five." When the in
terview is over
he goes outside, takes out his calculator and
finds the correct answer
is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew
that" and goes home very
disappointed.
Next day he is rung up
and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he
says, "but what about
nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't
right"
"We know,
but of all the candidates you came the closest."
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Jokes number : 10
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil
company.
All day long she loved to run up and down the share price
list, laughing
and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because
she couldn't find
an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people
would be very angry if
she couldn't produce it.
"What's
wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.
She looked
around and there was a funny little creature with
spectacles, a
bald patch and shaving cuts.
"I can't find a dividend," she said
and started crying again.
"Don't worry," said the creature. "I
can find you one."
"How?" said the oil company, "And who are
you?"
"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you
mind
about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for
you, you
must agree to let me stay with you."
"Yes, yes!" she
said, anxious only to get the dividend.
The accountant disap
peared into some books nearby and stayed there for
a while. She
could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring
accounts.
Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.
"I've
found you a dividend," he said.
Her usual cheerfulness returned
in an instant and she rushed off to
tell her father, the Chairman.
She forgot all about the accountant until
he followed her in and
reminded her of her promise; despite all her
tears, her father
insisted that she keep her word and that night the little
accountant slept
on the floor beside her bed.
The next morning she opened her
eyes and to her amazement she saw the
accountant was exactly the same
as he had been before.
"I know what you're thinking," smiled
the accountant. "You're
quite right. Before I was changed into an
accountant I was a handsome young
man with a devil-may-care attitude
and considerable joie de vivre."
"Then change back!" said t
he oil company, clapping her hands.
"Are you crazy?" said the
accountant. "Handsome young men are two a
penny but clever, ugly
little accountants are worth their weight in
gold."
company.
All day long she loved to run up and down the share price
list, laughing
and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because
she couldn't find
an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people
would be very angry if
she couldn't produce it.
"What's
wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.
She looked
around and there was a funny little creature with
spectacles, a
bald patch and shaving cuts.
"I can't find a dividend," she said
and started crying again.
"Don't worry," said the creature. "I
can find you one."
"How?" said the oil company, "And who are
you?"
"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you
mind
about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for
you, you
must agree to let me stay with you."
"Yes, yes!" she
said, anxious only to get the dividend.
The accountant disap
peared into some books nearby and stayed there for
a while. She
could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring
accounts.
Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.
"I've
found you a dividend," he said.
Her usual cheerfulness returned
in an instant and she rushed off to
tell her father, the Chairman.
She forgot all about the accountant until
he followed her in and
reminded her of her promise; despite all her
tears, her father
insisted that she keep her word and that night the little
accountant slept
on the floor beside her bed.
The next morning she opened her
eyes and to her amazement she saw the
accountant was exactly the same
as he had been before.
"I know what you're thinking," smiled
the accountant. "You're
quite right. Before I was changed into an
accountant I was a handsome young
man with a devil-may-care attitude
and considerable joie de vivre."
"Then change back!" said t
he oil company, clapping her hands.
"Are you crazy?" said the
accountant. "Handsome young men are two a
penny but clever, ugly
little accountants are worth their weight in
gold."
Jokes number : 9
A business man was interviewing
applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to
select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each
applicant the
question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee
was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second was a
social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer
but I'm glad we
had time to discuss this important question."
The third
applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer
to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He
stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld),
two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an
accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and
two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and
closed
it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk
and said in a
low voice, "How much do you want it to
be?"
He got the job.
applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to
select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each
applicant the
question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee
was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second was a
social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer
but I'm glad we
had time to discuss this important question."
The third
applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer
to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He
stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld),
two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an
accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and
two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and
closed
it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk
and said in a
low voice, "How much do you want it to
be?"
He got the job.
Jokes number : 8
Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large
manufacturing concern.
Every day, on arriving at work, he would
unlock the top drawer of his
desk, peer at something inside, then
close and lock the drawer. He had
done this for 25 years. The entire
staff was intrigued but no-one was
game to ask him what was in the
drawer. Finally the time came for Mr
Evans to retire. There was a
farewell party with speeches and a
presentation. As soon as Mr Evans
had left the building some of the staff rushed
into his office,
unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the
bottom of the
drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is
the one nearest
the window."
manufacturing concern.
Every day, on arriving at work, he would
unlock the top drawer of his
desk, peer at something inside, then
close and lock the drawer. He had
done this for 25 years. The entire
staff was intrigued but no-one was
game to ask him what was in the
drawer. Finally the time came for Mr
Evans to retire. There was a
farewell party with speeches and a
presentation. As soon as Mr Evans
had left the building some of the staff rushed
into his office,
unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the
bottom of the
drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is
the one nearest
the window."
Jokes number : 7
An auditor was examining the balance sheet
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the
sheep."
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the
sheep."
Jokes number : 6
An auditor is checking the books of
an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to
Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an
explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in
fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor,
"but you'll have to bear the cost
yourself."
"The cost of
what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to
Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an
explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in
fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor,
"but you'll have to bear the cost
yourself."
"The cost of
what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
Jokes number : 5
The managing partner in an accounting firm
is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him
in
to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client
in the way you did? That was
completely unethical. We are always
conscious of Ethics in this firm.
You do know what Ethics is don't
you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what
Ethics is. It's
a county in southern England."
is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him
in
to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client
in the way you did? That was
completely unethical. We are always
conscious of Ethics in this firm.
You do know what Ethics is don't
you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what
Ethics is. It's
a county in southern England."
Jokes number : 4
The doctor comes to see his heart
transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we
have two donors to
choose from for your new heart."
The patient
is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher
and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's
heart," says the patient. "I want one
that hasn't been used."
transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we
have two donors to
choose from for your new heart."
The patient
is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher
and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's
heart," says the patient. "I want one
that hasn't been used."
Jokes number : 3
"The auditors have just left,
sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What
did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What
did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Jokes number : 2
Wife to husband as they watch their young
son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until
he's older before we
tell him you're an accountant."
son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until
he's older before we
tell him you're an accountant."
Jokes number : 1
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to
his young child:
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn't be tax
deductible, but I like your thinking".
his young child:
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn't be tax
deductible, but I like your thinking".
Jokes number : 100
The accountant had just read the story of
Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a
golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital
gain?"
Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a
golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital
gain?"
Jokes number : 99
A Martian lands to plunder,
pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says,
"I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you
think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an
opinion. I'm a chartered
accountant."
pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says,
"I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you
think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an
opinion. I'm a chartered
accountant."
Jokes number : 98
A businessman hires a private detective to
find a missing
accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs
a description and asks a few
questions.
"Was he tall or was he
short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"
find a missing
accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs
a description and asks a few
questions.
"Was he tall or was he
short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"
Jokes number : 97
A businessman tells his friend that his
company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't
your company hire a new accountant a few
weeks ago?"
The
businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking
for."
company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't
your company hire a new accountant a few
weeks ago?"
The
businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking
for."
Jokes number : 96
What's a shy and retiring
accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's
retiring.
accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's
retiring.
Jokes number : 95
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He
got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the
first
entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly
accounts
and raised the first liability.
Adam. He
got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the
first
entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly
accounts
and raised the first liability.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Jokes number : 94
Laws of
Accounting
1. Trial balances
don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does
not
4. Return on Investments never will
Accounting
1. Trial balances
don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does
not
4. Return on Investments never will
Jokes number : 93
How many cost accountants does it
take
to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and
get back to you
take
to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and
get back to you
Jokes number : 92
How many auditors does it take to change a
light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
Jokes number : 90
Why did the auditor cross the
road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Jokes number : 86
How do you know when an
accountant's on
holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
accountant's on
holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
Jokes number : 83
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant
is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying
No
is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying
No
Jokes number : 81
There are three kinds of
accountants in
the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
accountants in
the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
Jokes number : 80
How do you know accountants have no
imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
Jokes number : 79
What does it mean when an accountant is
drooling out of
both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
drooling out of
both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Jokes number : 76
The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be
more
relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at
10.53:16 am,
Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
more
relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at
10.53:16 am,
Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Jokes number : 75
What does an accountant say when
you ask
him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no
wait - 14
seconds, no wait......
you ask
him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no
wait - 14
seconds, no wait......
Jokes number : 74
What's the most wicked thing a
group of
young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
group of
young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Jokes number : 73
What's the most wicked thing a group of
young accountants
can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
young accountants
can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Jokes number : 72
How do you drive an accountant completely
insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a
road map the
wrong way.
insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a
road map the
wrong way.
Jokes number : 71
What's an accountant's idea of trashing
his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Jokes number : 70
What's the definition of unlikely?
A
photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants -
Nude!'.
A
photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants -
Nude!'.
Jokes number : 68
What's an extroverted accountant?
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
Jokes number : 65
Why do some accountants
decide to become
actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
decide to become
actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
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