When does a person decide to become an
accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed
as an
undertaker.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Jokes number : 61
What's the definition of a good tax
accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Jokes number : 60
What's the definition of an
accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
Jokes number : 59
How many accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
"What kind of answer did you have in
mind?"
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done
within the given budget.
does it take to
change a light bulb?
"What kind of answer did you have in
mind?"
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done
within the given budget.
Jokes number : 57
A young accountant spends a week at his new
office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every
morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens
his
desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing
sheet of
paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with
renewed vigor,
returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins
his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly
wait to read for
himself the message contained in the envelope in
the drawer, particularly
since he feels so inadequate in replacing
the far wiser and more highly
esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks
to himself, it must contain the
great secret to his success, a
wondrous treasure of inspiration and
motivation. His fingers tremble
anxiously as he removes the mysterious
envelope from the drawer and
reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward t
he file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every
morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens
his
desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing
sheet of
paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with
renewed vigor,
returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins
his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly
wait to read for
himself the message contained in the envelope in
the drawer, particularly
since he feels so inadequate in replacing
the far wiser and more highly
esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks
to himself, it must contain the
great secret to his success, a
wondrous treasure of inspiration and
motivation. His fingers tremble
anxiously as he removes the mysterious
envelope from the drawer and
reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward t
he file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
Jokes number : 56
A
business owner tells her friend that
she is desperately searching for an
accountant.
Her friend
asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short
while
ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been
searching for."
business owner tells her friend that
she is desperately searching for an
accountant.
Her friend
asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short
while
ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been
searching for."
Jokes number : 55
A 54-year-old
accountant leaves a letter
for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I
am 54 years old,
and by the time you get this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he
arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that
read
as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time
you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen
year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely
appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
18."
accountant leaves a letter
for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I
am 54 years old,
and by the time you get this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he
arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that
read
as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time
you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen
year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely
appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
18."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Jokes number : 54
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what
does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Jokes number : 53
A guy in a bar
leans over to the guy
next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant
joke?"
The
guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
should
know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And
the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an
accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The
first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two
times."
leans over to the guy
next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant
joke?"
The
guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
should
know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And
the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an
accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The
first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two
times."
Jokes number : 52
Why accountants don't read
novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Jokes number : 49
Why does an inspiring sight like a
sunrise always have to
take place at such an inconvenient time?
sunrise always have to
take place at such an inconvenient time?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Jokes number : 44
Why is it that when you're driving and
looking
for an address, you turn the radio down?
looking
for an address, you turn the radio down?
Jokes number : 43
If necessity is the mother of invention,
why does so much unnecessary
stuff get invented?
why does so much unnecessary
stuff get invented?
Jokes number : 41
Don't you just hate the blatant
materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what
you
got?
materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what
you
got?
Jokes number : 40
Consider one of the most perplexing
questions of our time: Where do'
solutions go when a candidate gets
elected?
questions of our time: Where do'
solutions go when a candidate gets
elected?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Jokes number : 33
If you are driving at the speed of light
and you turn on your
head-lights, what happens?
and you turn on your
head-lights, what happens?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Jokes number : 29
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days
a year, why are
there locks on the doors?
a year, why are
there locks on the doors?
Jokes number : 28
If buttered toast always
lands
buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would
happen
if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and
dropped it?
lands
buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would
happen
if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and
dropped it?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Jokes number : 17
If fire fighters fight fire and crime
fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Jokes number : 13
You know how most packages say "Open
here". What is the protocol
if the package says, "Open somewhere
else"?
here". What is the protocol
if the package says, "Open somewhere
else"?
Jokes number : 12
You know that little indestructible
black box that is used on
planes - why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same
substance?
black box that is used on
planes - why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same
substance?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Jokes number : 5
How come it takes so little time for a
child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay
out all night?
child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay
out all night?
Jokes number : 100
Did you hear about the household appliance
that eats ants and records
TV shows?
It's the VCRdvard
that eats ants and records
TV shows?
It's the VCRdvard
Jokes number : 99
Which aardvark holds the speed record?
The
nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a
motorcycle!
The
nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a
motorcycle!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Jokes number : 97
A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked
through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly
lady answered.
"How much are your aardvarks?" he asked.
"They're L6 each," came the reply.
"Did you raise them yourself?"
inquired the man.
"Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5
each."
through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly
lady answered.
"How much are your aardvarks?" he asked.
"They're L6 each," came the reply.
"Did you raise them yourself?"
inquired the man.
"Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5
each."
Jokes number : 95
I've got a new
aardvark. Would you like
to play with him? I don't really know. I've
heard it growling, it
doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's
what I want to
find out.
aardvark. Would you like
to play with him? I don't really know. I've
heard it growling, it
doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's
what I want to
find out.
Jokes number : 94
Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a
firework flashed across the sky.
1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could
fly like that.
2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.
firework flashed across the sky.
1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could
fly like that.
2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Jokes number : 90
What did the
impatient waiter ask the
gluttonous aardvark?
Is that your final ant, sir!
impatient waiter ask the
gluttonous aardvark?
Is that your final ant, sir!
Jokes number : 89
How many aardvarks can ride on an
elephant?
Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!
elephant?
Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!
Jokes number : 84
Why do aardvarks make undesirable
neighbors?
Because they always have their noses in other people's
business!
neighbors?
Because they always have their noses in other people's
business!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Jokes number : 82
Why does mama aardvark call her husband a
cannibal?
Because he ate his ant for dinner!
cannibal?
Because he ate his ant for dinner!
Jokes number : 81
Who won the animal race?
The giraffe and
the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the
aardvark won by a
nose!
The giraffe and
the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the
aardvark won by a
nose!
Jokes number : 80
What did the aardvark say when he lost
the
race to the ant?
If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!
the
race to the ant?
If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Jokes number : 58
What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's
songs?
It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your
Ant!
songs?
It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your
Ant!
Jokes number : 51
Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I'm a
laptop computer.
You're just run down, let me give you some
vitamins.
No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
keep thinking I'm a
laptop computer.
You're just run down, let me give you some
vitamins.
No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Jokes number : 50
Doctor, doctor, I keep
thinking I'm a
computer.
My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right
away!
I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.
thinking I'm a
computer.
My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right
away!
I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.
Jokes number : 49
Why do computer teachers never get
sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Jokes number : 44
Would you like to buy a second-hand
computer?
I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
computer?
I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Jokes number : 42
You're spending a lot of time at that
computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?
No, they've always
been blue!
computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?
No, they've always
been blue!
Jokes number : 40
Which kind of ink do you put in your
computer's printer?
Black, Red or Iced?
Iced Ink?
Well, yes you do,
but I didn't want to mention it.
computer's printer?
Black, Red or Iced?
Iced Ink?
Well, yes you do,
but I didn't want to mention it.
Jokes number : 35
What's the difference between your finger and
a
hammer?
I don't know!
Well, you're not using my computer
keyboard then!
a
hammer?
I don't know!
Well, you're not using my computer
keyboard then!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Jokes number : 33
What do you get if you stuff your computer's
disk drive
with herbs?
A thyme machine.
disk drive
with herbs?
A thyme machine.
Jokes number : 31
What do you get if you cross a computer
with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Jokes number : 25
Want to buy a pocket computer?
No, thanks,
I already know how many pockets I've got.
No, thanks,
I already know how many pockets I've got.
Jokes number : 24
This computer
you charged me L950 for
doesn't work....and you said it would be
trouble free.
It is, I
charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all
that
trouble absolutely free!
you charged me L950 for
doesn't work....and you said it would be
trouble free.
It is, I
charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all
that
trouble absolutely free!
Jokes number : 23
Teacher: Shall I put the school computer
on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
Jokes number : 22
Teacher: Look at the state of the school
computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in
it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at
all.
computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in
it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at
all.
Jokes number : 21
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a
choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the
one we've got or don't
use any at all.
choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the
one we've got or don't
use any at all.
Jokes number : 19
I've been sitting at this computer for hours
and I haven't seen a
single website.
That's because you're
supposed to sit facing the screen.
and I haven't seen a
single website.
That's because you're
supposed to sit facing the screen.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Jokes number : 18
I've been on my computer all night!
Don't
you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone
else?
Don't
you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone
else?
Jokes number : 16
Helpline? I've just pushed a
piece of
bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but
there's a lot of crackling.
piece of
bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but
there's a lot of crackling.
Jokes number : 15
Customer: I think I've got a bug in my
computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer:
Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer:
Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
Jokes number : 14
Computer
helpline?
Everytime I log onto
the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes
snow white....
helpline?
Everytime I log onto
the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes
snow white....
Jokes number : 13
"Do you turn on your computer with your left
hand
or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most
people have to use the on/off switch."
hand
or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most
people have to use the on/off switch."
Jokes number : 12
A confused caller was having troubles printing
documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that
it
''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried
turning the
computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still
could not
'see' the printer.
documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that
it
''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried
turning the
computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still
could not
'see' the printer.
Jokes number : 11
How many
technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around
to explain how to do
it.
technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around
to explain how to do
it.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Jokes number : 10
How many
IBM employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document
number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank".
IBM employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document
number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank".
Jokes number : 9
How many Java programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the
socket.
change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the
socket.
Jokes number : 8
How many C++ programmers does it take to
change a light
bulb?
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly
designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a
generic light bulb
class!"
change a light
bulb?
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly
designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a
generic light bulb
class!"
Jokes number : 7
How many maintenance programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old
one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying
to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?"
to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old
one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying
to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?"
Jokes number : 6
A software verifier read in the Bible
that
God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He
jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain,
and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I
never knew I was THAT clever!"
that
God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He
jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain,
and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I
never knew I was THAT clever!"
Jokes number : 5
The problem
with physicists is that they
tend to cheat in order to get results.
The problem with
mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get
results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to
cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
with physicists is that they
tend to cheat in order to get results.
The problem with
mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get
results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to
cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
Jokes number : 4
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought
you a new
basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's
guide?"
you a new
basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's
guide?"
Jokes number : 3
They say that the new super computer
knows
everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is
my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then
came back with "Your
father is fishing in Michigan."
The
skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was
nonsense. My
father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super
computer immediately. "Your mother's
husband has been dead for
twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound
trout."
knows
everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is
my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then
came back with "Your
father is fishing in Michigan."
The
skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was
nonsense. My
father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super
computer immediately. "Your mother's
husband has been dead for
twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound
trout."
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Jokes number : 1
The boy is smoking and
leaving smoke rings
into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her
lover: "Can't
you see the warning written on the cigarettes
packet, smoking is
injurious to health!"
The boy replies back:
"Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry
about warnings, we only
worry about errors."
leaving smoke rings
into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her
lover: "Can't
you see the warning written on the cigarettes
packet, smoking is
injurious to health!"
The boy replies back:
"Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry
about warnings, we only
worry about errors."
Jokes number : 100
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was
shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was
shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Jokes number : 99
A
system programmer came home from work
almost at dawn and told his wife
enthusiastically: "Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA
together with VM/CMS and
CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
system programmer came home from work
almost at dawn and told his wife
enthusiastically: "Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA
together with VM/CMS and
CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
Jokes number : 98
How do you keep a programmer in the shower
all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse,
repeat."
all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse,
repeat."
Jokes number : 97
Why do programmers always get Christmas and
Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Friday, April 9, 2010
Jokes number : 87
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help
you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept
anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor,
I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your
monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a
monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't
know."
"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I
think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into
the wall."
"... ...Yes, it
is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"... ...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it
for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle - it's because
it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i
n
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a
power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes,
I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept
anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor,
I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your
monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a
monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't
know."
"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I
think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into
the wall."
"... ...Yes, it
is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"... ...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it
for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle - it's because
it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i
n
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a
power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes,
I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Jokes number : 86
If Microsoft built cars you would need to
restart your car,
then it would perform illegal operations and
crash.
restart your car,
then it would perform illegal operations and
crash.
Jokes number : 85
A
tech support employee once received a
call from a disgruntled lady who
had purchase one of their PCs.
"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put
it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all
over
me! I want a replacement!"
The employee was a little
confused and didn't know what to say. He
finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of
his company
selling in-computer cup holders.
So the lady went on to describe the
cup holder to him. "Well, it pops
out of the little box when I push
a button, and it has 40x written on
it..."
tech support employee once received a
call from a disgruntled lady who
had purchase one of their PCs.
"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put
it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all
over
me! I want a replacement!"
The employee was a little
confused and didn't know what to say. He
finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of
his company
selling in-computer cup holders.
So the lady went on to describe the
cup holder to him. "Well, it pops
out of the little box when I push
a button, and it has 40x written on
it..."
Jokes number : 84
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer
load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees
a big sign on the
door saying:
"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter
At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes
over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a
living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm
hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds
of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver is totally
shocked.
"Why did you do
that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley
and are in
season now. You don't even need a license."
r
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up
the computers.They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what
happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to
stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck
driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees
a big sign on the
door saying:
"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter
At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes
over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a
living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm
hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds
of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver is totally
shocked.
"Why did you do
that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley
and are in
season now. You don't even need a license."
r
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up
the computers.They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what
happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to
stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck
driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
Jokes number : 82
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the
586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Jokes number : 81
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the
Pentium's
floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of
chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)
Pentium's
floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of
chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)
Jokes number : 80
Q: Complete the following word analogy:
Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)
On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)
On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Jokes number : 79
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV
instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Jokes number : 78
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside"
sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Jokes number : 77
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC
with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Jokes number : 76
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close
enough for non-technical people.
screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close
enough for non-technical people.
Jokes number : 75
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in
an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't
trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble
the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others: "Which
of you idiots ate the
cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
says:
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and
Project Managers so no-one would notice anything,
and you have to go
and eat the cleaner!"
an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't
trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble
the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others: "Which
of you idiots ate the
cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
says:
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and
Project Managers so no-one would notice anything,
and you have to go
and eat the cleaner!"
Jokes number : 74
"This
little computer," said the sales
clerk, "will do half of your job for
you."
Studying the
machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take
two."
little computer," said the sales
clerk, "will do half of your job for
you."
Studying the
machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take
two."
Jokes number : 73
There are three engineers in a car; an
electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car
just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong.
The
electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with
a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get
back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'
electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car
just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong.
The
electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with
a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get
back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'
Jokes number : 72
After a caller gave a technician her PC's
serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded,
"I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say
another
word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When
the
customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller
responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would
have telephoned
in my bathrobe."
serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded,
"I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say
another
word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When
the
customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller
responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would
have telephoned
in my bathrobe."
Jokes number : 71
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop
computer--the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem,
the IBM technician said. First,
open a "window" to launch a
specific program. The conversation
continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right
to close the window. Why, the
IBM technician asked. Because, the caller
responded, it was getting
very chilly.
computer--the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem,
the IBM technician said. First,
open a "window" to launch a
specific program. The conversation
continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right
to close the window. Why, the
IBM technician asked. Because, the caller
responded, it was getting
very chilly.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Jokes number : 70
A Software Engineer, a
Hardware Engineer and a Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the
road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with
no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch
Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous
Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we can be on our
way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far
too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I
've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can
strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it,
and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer,
"Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the
road and see if it happens
again."
Hardware Engineer and a Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the
road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with
no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch
Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous
Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we can be on our
way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far
too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I
've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can
strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it,
and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer,
"Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the
road and see if it happens
again."
Jokes number : 69
Tech Support: "Which format are the images you
send?"
Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."
send?"
Customer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."
Jokes number : 68
Customer: "It says I've performed an
illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something
wrong?"
illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something
wrong?"
Jokes number : 67
Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have
call waiting?"
Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting."
Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"
Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"
Customer: "What's
that?"
call waiting?"
Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting."
Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"
Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"
Customer: "What's
that?"
Jokes number : 65
Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I
am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of
course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it."
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I
am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of
course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it."
Jokes number : 64
Customer: "Hi, I'm
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?"
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?"
Jokes number : 63
Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive.
Clicking eject
doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up."
Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"
Clicking eject
doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up."
Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"
Monday, April 5, 2010
Jokes number : 62
Me: "What is that noise?"
Customer: "Hey
Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!"
Me: "What was that?"
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device."
Me: "What kind of device?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Me:
"Like a fax machine or something?"
Customer: "I don't know. Someone
is under house arrest or
something."
Customer: "Hey
Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!"
Me: "What was that?"
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device."
Me: "What kind of device?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Me:
"Like a fax machine or something?"
Customer: "I don't know. Someone
is under house arrest or
something."
Jokes number : 61
Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?"
Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software
installed in my computer."
Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?"
Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded
with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'."
Tech Support:
"Yes...?"
Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I
OBVIOUSLY
have the wrong software installed in this computer."
Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software
installed in my computer."
Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?"
Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded
with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'."
Tech Support:
"Yes...?"
Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I
OBVIOUSLY
have the wrong software installed in this computer."
Jokes number : 60
Student: "Would it be possible to
install
Arabic language support on those computers?"
Computer Teacher: "In
order to use Arabic language in Windows, you
must install an Arabic
graphic card. So I don't think we could do
that."
install
Arabic language support on those computers?"
Computer Teacher: "In
order to use Arabic language in Windows, you
must install an Arabic
graphic card. So I don't think we could do
that."
Jokes number : 58
Many people in computer labs will assure
you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything
correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your
nice
comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do
it
yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the
response is,
"THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously
not.
you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything
correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your
nice
comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do
it
yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the
response is,
"THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously
not.
Jokes number : 57
Another customer called Tech Support to say
her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she
asked "What power switch?"
her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she
asked "What power switch?"
Jokes number : 56
An exasperated caller to Tech Support
couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
Jokes number : 55
A
technician received a call from a
customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad
and invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.
technician received a call from a
customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad
and invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Jokes number : 54
A customer called
to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then he
removed all the keys and washed them individually.
to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then he
removed all the keys and washed them individually.
Jokes number : 53
A customer
needed help setting up a new
program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man
said. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me
to find a couple of geeks."
needed help setting up a new
program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man
said. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me
to find a couple of geeks."
Jokes number : 52
A customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
Jokes number : 51
A technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer
put the disk in, asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up
and closing the door to his room.
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer
put the disk in, asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up
and closing the door to his room.
Jokes number : 50
A customer was asked to send a
copy of her
defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a
letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her
diskettes.
copy of her
defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a
letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her
diskettes.
Jokes number : 49
A technician received a call from a man
complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the
labels.
complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the
labels.
Jokes number : 48
Technical support had a
caller complaining
that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
cover on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in.
caller complaining
that her mouse was hard to control with the dust
cover on. The
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in.
Jokes number : 47
Computers manufacturer is considering changing
the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Jokes number : 46
The Three
Laws of Secure
Computing
1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug
it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
Laws of Secure
Computing
1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug
it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
Jokes number : 45
Why did
the school bully kick the
classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the
system.
the school bully kick the
classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the
system.
Jokes number : 44
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows
95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for
a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can't
stand 1 bit of competition.
95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for
a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can't
stand 1 bit of competition.
Jokes number : 43
While trying to diagnose a
problem over
the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.
He
said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a dir.
I
asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says
autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no
dot, and then it says
bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again he got
"File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he
typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type
autoexecdotbat'.
problem over
the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.
He
said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a dir.
I
asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says
autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no
dot, and then it says
bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again he got
"File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he
typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type
autoexecdotbat'.
Jokes number : 42
A person turned on the computer without a
keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the
computer finds out that there is no
keyboard attached and it gives a
"Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a
keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the
computer finds out that there is no
keyboard attached and it gives a
"Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a
keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Jokes number : 41
An office technician got a call from a
user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to
be
brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power
cord and bring it up here and I will
fix it."
About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her
hand.
user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to
be
brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power
cord and bring it up here and I will
fix it."
About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her
hand.
Jokes number : 39
Q: What does a proud computer call his
little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Jokes number : 38
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Gates, the
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together
traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us," he announced.
"Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's
greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon.
"This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then
grabbed a
parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the
world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long
life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The
world's smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack."
Gates, the
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together
traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us," he announced.
"Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's
greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon.
"This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then
grabbed a
parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the
world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long
life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The
world's smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack."
Jokes number : 37
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself
face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill,
I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not
sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
indiscretions. I
believe I'll do something I've never done before;
I'll let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly
puzzled, God
said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places
briefly,
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,
Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell f
irst." So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill's face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."
Within seconds
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill
thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first
time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other
place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill,
I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not
sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
indiscretions. I
believe I'll do something I've never done before;
I'll let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly
puzzled, God
said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places
briefly,
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,
Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell f
irst." So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill's face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."
Within seconds
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill
thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first
time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other
place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
Jokes number : 36
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a
Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving
down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing
off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt
scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with no brakes. What were they to
do?
"I know," said the
Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate
a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of
Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we
can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That
will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked
before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time a
t all I can strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software
Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens
again."
Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving
down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing
off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt
scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with no brakes. What were they to
do?
"I know," said the
Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate
a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of
Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we
can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That
will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked
before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time a
t all I can strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software
Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens
again."
Jokes number : 35
One of Microsoft's finest
technicans was
drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given
some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots
at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his
rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area,
"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!"
technicans was
drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given
some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots
at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his
rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area,
"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!"
Jokes number : 34
What did
Bill Gate's wife say to him on
their wedding night?
No wonder you called the company
Microsoft
Bill Gate's wife say to him on
their wedding night?
No wonder you called the company
Microsoft
Jokes number : 33
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
Jokes number : 31
I heard that
if you play the Windows NT
4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic
message. But the most
frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs NT 4.0!
if you play the Windows NT
4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic
message. But the most
frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs NT 4.0!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Jokes number : 30
..... Ya see, we
at Microsoft believe in
making computing easier! What could be easier
for consumers than
having only ONE choice of software?!?
at Microsoft believe in
making computing easier! What could be easier
for consumers than
having only ONE choice of software?!?
Jokes number : 29
- Why do you think I spend too much
time
at my computer?
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close
the windows you answer
with "Please wait while your computer shuts
down"...
time
at my computer?
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close
the windows you answer
with "Please wait while your computer shuts
down"...
Jokes number : 28
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech:
"Yes, you said that."
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech:
"Yes, you said that."
Jokes number : 26
One guy was on duty in the main lab
on a
quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one
of
the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring
at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same
position only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about
time! I pushed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!
on a
quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one
of
the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring
at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same
position only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about
time! I pushed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!
Jokes number : 25
Comments made
by Programmers when their
programs don't work:
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't
test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn't find it
during the system testing?
It's a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!
by Programmers when their
programs don't work:
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't
test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn't find it
during the system testing?
It's a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!
Jokes number : 24
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist
were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God
created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so
I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the
world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in
the book
of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the
earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair,
smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the
chaos?
scientist
were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God
created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so
I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the
world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in
the book
of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the
earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair,
smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the
chaos?
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