My Free Jokes: May 2013

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a
lightbulb? A:
Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time
the bulb burned
out and the date it was bought, one to decide
who's fault it is the bulb
burned out and ask why that brand was chosen
in the first place, ten to
decide to remodel the house as long as
they're changing the bulb

Friday, May 17, 2013

Jokes number : 66

Q: How many Virgos does it take to
change a
lightbulb? A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1

millionth.

Jokes number : 65

Q:
How many Taureans does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans
don't like to change anything.

Jokes number : 64

Q: How many Taureans
does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: One, but just *try* to convince
them that the burnt
out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Jokes number : 63

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.

They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

Jokes number : 62

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: So who
wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are
you a cop?

Jokes number : 61

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only
with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient
Hierarchical
Order.

Jokes number : 60

Q: How
many Scorpios does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: None - they'd
rather sit in the dark.

Jokes number : 59

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change
a
lightbulb? A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Jokes number : 58

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change

a lightbulb? A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid
burned out light bulb?

Jokes number : 57

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change
a
lightbulb? A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room
long enough
for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Jokes number : 56

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Lightbulb?
What lightbulb?

Jokes number : 55

Q: How many
Pisceans does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Huh? The light's
out?

Jokes number : 54

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to
change
a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.

Jokes number : 53

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make
that
two. Is that okay with you?

Jokes number : 52

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the
dark?

Jokes number : 51

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Well
gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on
the bulb and where it
burned out. It might perhaps take just one if
it's just an ordinary
bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't
know where to find a new light
bulb, or perhaps ...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Jokes number : 50

Q: How many Leos does it take to
change a
lightbulb? A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although
sometimes
their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're

out.

Jokes number : 49

Q: How
many Leos does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: None: Leos are so
enthusiastic they carry their own
light.

Jokes number : 48

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.

Jokes number : 47

Q: How many
Geminis does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an
Internet link and a
copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing
Lightbulbs."

Jokes number : 46

Q: How many Geminis
does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Two (of course) but it will take
all week and when
they're done the light bulb will do your homework,
speak French
and shine any colour you want from it.

Jokes number : 45

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Two,
but the job never gets done --- they just keep
arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be
done!

Jokes number : 44

Q:
How many Capricorns does it take to
change a lightbulb? A: None: Why
should I bother? It's probably just
going to burn out again tomorrow
anyway.

Jokes number : 43

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Jokes number : 42

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a
lightbulb? A:
None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs ---
unless they're a
legitimate business expense.

Jokes number : 41

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with
the
problem.

Jokes number : 40

Q: How many Cancerians does
it take to
change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a
non-disposable
diaper too!

Jokes number : 39

Q: How many Cancerians does it take
to
change a lightbulb? A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three
years
to help them through the grief process.

Jokes number : 38

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop

asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally
sick and
tired of you asking me questions.

Jokes number : 37

Boy: Do you have fever?

Girl: No,
why?

Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

Jokes number : 36

Smart man +
Smart Woman = Romance
Smart
Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb
Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Jokes number : 35

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman
without her
man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his
students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her
man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is
nothing."

Monday, May 13, 2013

Jokes number : 34

Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old,

ugly and poor man?
A: Stupid!

Jokes number : 33

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of
Real Men around to do
it.

Jokes number : 32

Q: Which is easier for a man to
leave: the
women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.

Jokes number : 31

What are the three fastest means of
communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Jokes number : 30

A man was walking on the beach one day
and
he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and

three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided,

"I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There
was the
car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I
wish I was
irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of

chocolates.

Jokes number : 29

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful

figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

Jokes number : 28

QUESTION: What is the difference between a

"Battery" and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

Jokes number : 27

OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Jokes number : 26

A young man called his mother and announced

excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
"Now what
should I do?"
His mother has an idea.
"Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a home
cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later
the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.
" I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted
on washing the
dishes."
" What's wrong with that?" asked his
mother.
" We hadn't started eating yet."

Jokes number : 25

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife
about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her
husband,
"when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it
when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied,
"That's a
miracle!"

Jokes number : 24

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was

working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone

call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a
short
conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I
just know
you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said. "No," young
woman
replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close
enough!" said
the trucker.

Jokes number : 23

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it
was mentioned
that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as
important as watching
food intake, one woman responded with surprise
that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a
factor. The only time I'm not
eating is when I'm sleeping!"

Jokes number : 22

Q: Why is a modem
better than a woman?

A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't

complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will

sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an
instruction
manual.

Jokes number : 21

Shortly after the birth
of their second
child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a
new dress. He
endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints
about which
figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the

dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her

husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to

say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look

smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips."
Just then,
a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a
dress here
that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

Jokes number : 20

One woman to another at a singles bar:
"I'm
not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days,
when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my
children
to spend every other weekend with?"

Jokes number : 19

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't
know
I'm not going to tell you."

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Jokes number : 18

Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach
women how to walk on their hind legs.

Jokes number : 17

A
fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night asks his mother, "Mom,
why are wedding dresses
white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town

that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then
seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why
are wedding dresses
white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household

appliances come in white."

Jokes number : 16

Women are like guns,
keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Jokes number : 15

Women are like computers -- even your smallest
mistakes are
stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Jokes number : 14

What do you calll a woman that people sit on
?
Cher !

Jokes number : 13

Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my

girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three

or four weeks' time?

Jokes number : 12

Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women
?
Sister: Man-eating sharks.

Jokes number : 11

Why are women
such bad
drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the
bathroom.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Jokes number : 10

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats

not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Jokes number : 9

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

Jokes number : 8

Teacher: Who was the
first woman on earth?

Fred: I don't know, Sir.
Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has
something to do with an apple.
Fred: Granny Smith?

Jokes number : 7

Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are
stupid, but few are blind.

Jokes number : 6

What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.

Jokes number : 5

What Do you tell a woman with two black
eyes
?

Nothing, you told her twice.

Jokes number : 4

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35
children is enough.

Jokes number : 3

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

-
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Jokes number : 2

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes
through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!
No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had

it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the
plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and
built guy with jet
black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.

No one move
s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and

whispers: "Iron this."

Jokes number : 1

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled
across an old
lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is
the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one
wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to
visit?"

The genie laughed and said,
"That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much
concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to
think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w
ives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment. I want to figure out
why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say
'nothing', and know how to make them truly
happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes
do you want on
that bridge?"

Jokes number : 100

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since
they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the

men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without

hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second
floor reads, "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They
reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are
tall
and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there

nare still two floors left, they continue on up.

On the fourth
floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall
and
handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when
they
realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they
would be missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.

On the
fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men
here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

Jokes number : 99

A man inserted an advertisement in the

classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

- The next day
he received a hundred letters saying "You can have
mine."

Jokes number : 98

Why do men die before
their wives?

-
They want to.

Jokes number : 97

In the beginning, God created the earth and

rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Jokes number : 96

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

-
I said, "Dust!"

Jokes number : 95

Scientists have discovered a food
that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding
cake.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Jokes number : 94

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!

- I don't like to interrupt her.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach?
A:
Sandwitch

Jokes number : 92

Did you hear about the TV show
with FBI
agents and witches?
It's called The Hex-Files.

Jokes number : 91

Did you hear about the witch who fed her pet

vulture on sawdust?
The vulture laid ten eggs and when they
hatched, nine chicks had wooden
legs and the tenth was a woodpecker.

Jokes number : 90

Did you hear
about the witch who went in for
the lovely legs competition?
She was beaten by the microphone
stand.

Jokes number : 89

What did the witch say to
the ugly toad?

I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!

Jokes number : 88

What did the young witch say to her mother
?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

Jokes number : 87

Who went into a witche's den and came out

alive ?
The witch !

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Jokes number : 86

Why do witches have stiff joints ?
They get
broomatism !

Jokes number : 85

How do you know when you are in bed
with a
witch ?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !

Jokes number : 84

What is the witches motto ?
We came, we saw,
we conjured !

Jokes number : 83

What does a witch do if her broom is stolen

?
She calls the flying squad !

Jokes number : 82

What is the best way of stopping infection

from witch bites ?
Don't bite any witches !

Jokes number : 81

What is old and ugly and can see just as well

from both ends ?
A witch with a blindfold !

Jokes number : 80

What's the witches favourite pop group
?
Broomski Beat !

Jokes number : 79

How can you tell an Italian witch
from an
English one ?
By her suntan !

Monday, May 6, 2013

Jokes number : 78

Where did the witch get her
furniture
?
From the ideal gnome exhibition !

Jokes number : 77

What is a witch's favourite TV
show?
Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!

Jokes number : 76

Is it good to drink witch's brew?
Yes, it's
very newt tricious!

Jokes number : 75

Witch l: "How do you manage to stay in shape?"

Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."

Jokes number : 74

What would you get if you crossed a witch with a
famous
movie director?
Steven Spellberg!

Jokes number : 73

What does an Australian witch
ride on?
A
broomerang!

Jokes number : 72

Did you hear about the witch who
turned her
friend into an egg?
She kept trying to poach her ideas.

Jokes number : 71

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance
?
'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Jokes number : 70

First witch: My, hasn't your little
girl
grown ?
Second witch: Yes, she's certainly gruesome.

Jokes number : 69

Witch: Why have you stopped playing cards

with my sister ?
Wizard: Well would you play with someone who cheats
all the time, is a
poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards
?
Witch: No I wouldn't.
Wizard: No, well nor will she.

Jokes number : 68

1st Witch: What's your new boyfriend
like
?
2nd Witch: He's mean, nasty, ugly, smelly and totally evil - but
he
has some bad points too !

Jokes number : 67

How does a witch make scrambled eggs ?
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with

fright !

'Owl be seeing you later.'

Jokes number : 66

Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a

broom? A: By witchful thinking.

Jokes number : 65

What did the young witch say to her
mother?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?

Jokes number : 64

What does a witch enjoy cooking
most?
Gnomelettes.

Jokes number : 63

How can you make a witch itch?
Take away her
"W."

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Jokes number : 62

What do you call a witch that stays out all

night?
A fresh air freak.

Jokes number : 61

Why won't a witch wear a flat cap? Because

there's no point in it.

Jokes number : 60

What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a
minefield.

Jokes number : 59

What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?

A witch in soggy trainers.

Jokes number : 58

What do you call a witch with one leg?

Eileen.

Jokes number : 57

What do
you call a witch who climbs up
walls?
Ivy.

Jokes number : 56

Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?

So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.

Jokes number : 55

What did the doctor say to the witch in

hospital?
With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Jokes number : 54

What has handles and flies?
A witch in a
garbage can.

Jokes number : 53

How do witches lose
weight?
They join
weight witches.

Jokes number : 52

What happens if you see twin witches?
You
won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.

Jokes number : 51

What's the favorite subject of young witches at

school?
Spelling.

Jokes number : 50

Why was the student witch so bad at
essays?

Because she couldn't spell properly.

Jokes number : 49

Have you heard about the goodweather
witch?

She's forecasting sunny spells.

Jokes number : 48

Why did the witch keep turning people into
Mickey
Mouse?
She was having Disney spells.

Jokes number : 47

What happened to the naughty little witch at

school?
She was ex-spelled.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Jokes number : 46

How do you get milk from a witch's cat?

Steal her saucer.

Jokes number : 45

What do you call two witches who share a

room?
Broom-mates.

Jokes number : 44

What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?
To
keep their hats pointed.

Jokes number : 43

What do you call a witch who
kills her
mother and father?
An orphan.

Jokes number : 42

Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me.

Do you tell lies?
Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.

Jokes number : 41

Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?

To keep her head warm.

Jokes number : 40

Q. What did the fog say to the light rain
after her
vacation?
A. I mist you.

Jokes number : 39

What are the hottest days during

summer?
Sun-days

Blog Archive

Partner Links

Friday, May 31, 2013

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Monday, May 27, 2013

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Friday, May 24, 2013

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Monday, May 20, 2013

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Wednesday, May 15, 2013