Jokes number : 85

Zoo visitor: What's the new
baby hippo's
name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell
me.

Jokes number : 84

You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do
you?
No. They can't afford the admission.

Jokes number : 83

A father and his small son were standing in front

of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how
ferocious
and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a
serious
expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out
of his
cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said
expectantly. "What bus should I take
home?" the boy finished.

Jokes number : 82

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my

elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo
Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"

Jokes number : 81

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four
elephants walking over the
hill towards him wearing
sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

Jokes number : 80

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered
his
parents, Al and
Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked
Jordan's reluctant
father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got
into the car and
left.

"So how was it?" Elaine asked when
they returned home.

"Great," Little Jordan replied.

"Did you
and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine.

"Yeah, Daddy
especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly,
"especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to
1!"

Jokes number : 79

What's
the difference between a Northern zoo
and a Southern zoo?
In a Northern zoo you have the name of the
animal and the Latin name
underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the
name of the animal and a
recipe underneath.

Jokes number : 78

FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came

face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

BERT: No, what
happened?

FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla
looked at me
and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came
closer and
closer . . .

BERT: What did you do?

FRED:
Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Jokes number : 77

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a

suit does he order?
A zoo-t suit!

Jokes number : 76

What
did the Hollywood producer say to the
Apes in the zoo when they refused
to sign contracts to appear in his
new film?
Stop playing it cagey!

Jokes number : 75

A Scotsman paying his first
visit to a zoo
stopped by one of the cages
"An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked
the keeper.
"Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose
!!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a
moose then
they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"

Jokes number : 74

Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying
to call the zoo for
hours!
Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were
busy!

Jokes number : 73

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a

holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage
at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful
young
nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then
he went back
into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive
chest. The nouns met again a week later and one
of the nouns asked her
friend,"I have one question.Did he sent
flowers
afterwards...?"

Jokes number : 72

An enterprising mayor of the city of
Granby,
Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo

that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise

to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star
attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape,
escaped to the dismay of the zoo
director. The matter was a serious one
because the members of the
staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for
animals, had no
experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing
them.

The zoo
director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the

secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"?
The
director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his
surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing
for the
Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20
minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo
and
a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at

the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the
little man asked. The
director said there was, within one half mile from
the zoo. "Hop in
the truck", the little man said. The director did
and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove
and immediately spotted
Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the
ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and
the little man
opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out
and began running
around in circles.

The little man reached
into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he
opened. In the
suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to
the zoo director,
a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk
of the tree,
and a baseball bat.

"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up
into the tree with the
baseball bat, and I'm going to knoc
k the ape out of the tree. The
instant the ape hits the ground the
dog, well trained, will bite the ape by
the crotch and chomp-down
with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and
instinctively, grab at
his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you
snap the
handcuffs on and we've got him.

The zoo director, pointing to the
shotgun leaning against the tree,
said "I'm not too sure about this --
what's the gun for?"

The little man said, "Look, I'm an
expert. I know what I'm doing and
things will go just fine, after all,
I have the baseball bat. I know my
job and it'll never happen but
if the ape should, by any chance, knock
ME out of the tree, SHOOT
THE DOG!!!"

Jokes number : 71

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in
awe as a lion let
loose with a spine-tingling roar.

"Let's
get out of here!" said Sauer.

"Go on, if'n you want to," said
the other redneck. "But Ah'm
stayin' for the whole movie!"

Jokes number : 70

"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo
to see the monkeys?"

"What's the matter with you?" asked his
father.

"Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt
Maud is
here?"

Jokes number : 69

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other
day. I
said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and
do
it!"

Jokes number : 68

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young
zoo keeper
asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task.
"Go and
clean out the aquarium" he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he
discovered that all the fish were dead. He
rushed back to the head
keeper and asked what he should do. "Throw
them to the lions" said
the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper
returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead
fish and threw
them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and
asked what he
should do now.
He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house.
Off he went and
started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead
chimpanzees in the
cage, and rushed back for instructions. "Dont
worry" said the head
keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions
will eat anything". So the
young man returns to the ape house
and throws the dead animals into the
lions cage.
Returning
again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean
up the
insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he
notices
that all the bees have died.
"I know what to do", he thinks to
himself "I'll throw them all to
the lions, as the lions will eat
anything", whereupon he brushes them
all up and throws them into the
lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains
a new lioness. The lioness is
walking around the new cage for the first
time, and starts asking
the other lions what things are like here.
"Hows the
accommodation?", she asks. "Fine" comes the reply from one
lion. "And whats the
food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had
fish, chimps and mushy
bees".

Jokes number : 67

A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger's
cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how
ferocious and strong tigers are and junior
was taking it all in
with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the
tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the
father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy
finished.

Jokes number : 66

The
Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year
they predicted the general luck and
overall mood of the year by
watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears
were forward, that meant a
successful, joyous year was almost certain to
happen. But if his ears
were laid back flat against his head, it meant
that an unlucky or
very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was
young Mary's
turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the
prediction. It was
her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to
take the
key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well,
she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in
fact
it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran

the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S

EAR!

Jokes number : 65

There was this truck driver who had to
deliver
500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck
through
the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves

another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to

the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver
arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road
with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him.

The
original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's
going on?
I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new
truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had
enough
money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Jokes number : 64

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his
pal asked him how he
had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied,
"it was a total con! I saw
a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I
followed it and saw the monkeys.
Then I saw another sign that said To
The Bears, so I followed that and
saw the bears. But when I followed
a sign that said To the Exit, I
found myself out on the street."

Jokes number : 63

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History

Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when
she
got home.
"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to
a dead
zoo."

Jokes number : 62

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book

mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

Jokes number : 61

yo
mama's teeth so yellow that when she
smiles everyone sings, "i got
sunshine on a cloudy day".....

Jokes number : 60

yo
mama's teeth are so yellow that when
she smiles traffic slows down.

Jokes number : 59

yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to
watch 60 seconds.

Jokes number : 58

Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group

hugs!

Jokes number : 57

Come on, Fred,
I'll take you to the zoo. If
the zoo wants me, let them come and get
me!

Jokes number : 56

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They
said,
"Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?"
"Yes,"
replied Dracula, "have lots of giraffes."

Jokes number : 55

I took my son to the zoo yesterday.
Really,
did they accept him?

Jokes number : 54

I was in the zoo last week.
Really? Which cage
were you in?

Jokes number : 53

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out.

Jokes number : 52

Yo
mama so ugly she got beat up by her
imaginary friends

Jokes number : 51

yo
mama aint got no ears hollin bout let
me hear both sides of da story!

Jokes number : 50

yo mamma so fat she make a whale look
bulimic

Jokes number : 49

yo momma so fat the back of her neck is like
a
pack of hot dogs

Jokes number : 48

yo mama so fat when she get on da elevator it

says next stop hell

Jokes number : 47

yo mama
so fat she sat on a tractor and
made it a pick-up truck.

Jokes number : 46

yo mama so fat,
when she dive into the
ocean, there is a tsunami warning out!!

Jokes number : 45

your mama so fat that when she wanted a water

bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantica Ocean.

Jokes number : 44

Your Momma's so black she got counted

absent at night school.

Jokes number : 43

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of

China when it was just ok

Jokes number : 42

yo mama so nasty... cows with mad cow disease
run
from her..

Jokes number : 41

Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears

pierced by harpoon.

Jokes number : 40

Yo mamma's so fat she needs a watch on both
arms
because she covers two time zones.

Jokes number : 39

Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around they
throw her a
welcome back party.

Jokes number : 38

Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood

test.

Jokes number : 37

Yo mama's so stupid, she
ordered a
cheeseburger without the cheese.

Jokes number : 36

Yo mama's house is so small you
have to
go outside to change your mind.

Jokes number : 35

Yo mama's so stupid that she
burned down
the house with a CD burner.

Jokes number : 34

Yo
Mama's so fat she sank the
Titanic!

Jokes number : 33

yo mama is so fat, she can sit on a t3 cable

and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.

Jokes number : 32

Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming
poeple thinks
shes and oil spill.

Jokes number : 31

yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of

British gas.

Jokes number : 30

Yo mama has so many chins, it looks like

she's wearing a fat necklace !!

Jokes number : 29

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to Taco

Bell, they run for the border !!

Jokes number : 28

your momma so stupid she got locked in a

groceiry store and starved.

Jokes number : 27

your mamas feet are so scaly you can see
crocodile dundy in her
foot bath.

Jokes number : 26

YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN
THEY SAID THAT IT
IS CHILLY OUTSIDE,SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A
SPOON.

Jokes number : 25

Yo Mama so fat, she rolled out
of bed and

everybody thought there was an earthquake.

Jokes number : 24

YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON
HER DOOR AND A
ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET

Jokes number : 23

yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light

bill!

Jokes number : 22

Yo mama
so fat when God said, "Let there
be light" he he to ask her to move
out of the way.

Jokes number : 21

YO MAMAS SO POOR I SEE HER KICKING A CAN DOWN

THE ROAD, I SAID "WHAT YAR DOING " SHE SAID "MOVING" !!!

Jokes number : 20

Yo Mamas so stupid she got lost
in a
telephone booth.

Jokes number : 19

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow
I can't
believe it's not butter.

Jokes number : 18

Yo Mama so dumb she put lipstick on her

fore-head to make up her mind.

Jokes number : 17

Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a

chinese phone book

Jokes number : 16

Yo Mama's so stupid,she got locked in a
"Furniture
World" and slept on the floor.

Jokes number : 15

Yo momma so fat she
jumped in the air and

got stuck.

Jokes number : 14

Yo Mama so fat, she's gotta wake up in
sections

Jokes number : 13

Your so poor, I stepped in your house and

stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the

lights".

Jokes number : 12

You mama's so skinny ....she can hang glide
with a dorito!

Jokes number : 11

Yo Mama's so fat that when
she sits on
the beach, whales swim up to her and sing "We are
family...!"

Jokes number : 10

Yo Mama's so fat that while
she's sits
on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse
me
mame, but the tide wants to come in."

Jokes number : 9

YO MAMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE WEARS A RED DRESS
ALL THE
KIDS SCREAM LOOK ITS THE KOOLAID MAN y

Jokes number : 8

yo mama so stupid..she sits on the t.v and

watches the couch

Jokes number : 7

Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210
was on the
scale!

Jokes number : 6

Yo mama so stupid she stole
free
bread.

Jokes number : 5

YO MAMA IS SO
FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER
YOU GET LOST!

Jokes number : 4

yo mama so fat she has seat belts
on the
chairs to keep her fat from rolling off!!!!!!!!!

Jokes number : 3

YO momma so fat that they had to install

speed bumps at all you can eat buffet

Jokes number : 2

UR
MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT
JEALOUS.

Jokes number : 1

ur
mama is sooo fat, she sat on a dollar
and made 4 quarters pop out.

Jokes number : 76

Yo'moma so fat she jumped off the
Grand
Canon and got stuck

Jokes number : 75

Yo mamma is so stupid she tried to commit
suicide by
jumping from the basement window.

Jokes number : 74

Yo mama so fat she wears a vcr
as a
beeper.

Jokes number : 73

Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she

fills the tub then turns on the water.

Jokes number : 72

Yo mamma so stupid she stopped at a stop sign

and waited for it to turn green.

Jokes number : 71

Yo mama is so hairy, that Bigfoot tried
to
take her picture!

Jokes number : 70

Yo mama so poor I stepped in her house and I
was in
the backyard.

Jokes number : 69

Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv
and I
missed 3 commercials.

Jokes number : 68

Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in

hieroglyphics!!

Jokes number : 67

Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus
starter jacket!

Jokes number : 66

yo mama is so stupid when
she asked me
what kind of jeans am i wearing i said Guess and she said
Levis.

Jokes number : 65

Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand
up in
bed each morning to see if it's daylight.

Jokes number : 64

Yo momma so bald head she put a weave cap on
and
it weave her cull

Jokes number : 63

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and

Greenpeace threw her in!

Jokes number : 62

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand
Canyon!

Jokes number : 61

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high
heels, she strikes
oil!

Jokes number : 60

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air
she gets
stuck!!!

Jokes number : 59

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes

straight to hell!

Jokes number : 58

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no

one else gets sun!

Jokes number : 57

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and
it made a dollar!

Jokes number : 56

Yo
mama so fat when she goes to an
amusement park, people try to ride
HER!

Jokes number : 55

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Jokes number : 54

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she
goes
New York, L.A., Chicago

Jokes number : 53

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach

the tide comes in!

Jokes number : 52

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite
around her!

Jokes number : 51

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's
smuggling a
Volkswagon!

Jokes number : 50

Yo mama so fat she's got her own
area
code!

Jokes number : 49

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the
scale
it says we don't do livestock.

Jokes number : 48

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it

read "one at a time, please"

Jokes number : 47

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her
wear
"Caution! Wide Turn"

Jokes number : 46

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she
brings down
the bridge too

Jokes number : 45

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th
Ave, she
landed on 12th

Jokes number : 44

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with

a paint-roller

Jokes number : 43

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow

raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Jokes number : 42

Yo mama
so fat she goes to a resturant,
looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Jokes number : 41

Yo mama so fat when she has
wants someone
to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Jokes number : 40

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach
and
people run around yelling Free Willy

Jokes number : 39

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean
and
spain claimed her for then new world

Jokes number : 38

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat

next to everyone

Jokes number : 37

Yo mama so fat
people jog around her for
exercise

Jokes number : 36

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Jokes number : 35

Yo mama so fat her nickname
is "Lardo"

Jokes number : 34

Yo mama so fat when her beeper
goes off,
people thought she was backing up

Jokes number : 33

Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, "You

ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."

Jokes number : 32

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear

pierced and died.

Jokes number : 31

Yo mama head so small she use
a tea-bag
as a pillow.

Jokes number : 30

Yo mama so lazy that she came in
last
place in a recent snail marathon.

Jokes number : 29

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote

control just to operate her remote!

Jokes number : 28

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income

family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Jokes number : 27

Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and

dissapeared.

Jokes number : 26

Yo mama so skinny she
hula hoops with a
cheerio

Jokes number : 25

Yo
mama mouth so big, she speaks in
surround sound.

Jokes number : 24

Yo mama
rouchy, the McDonalds she works
in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Jokes number : 23

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

Jokes number : 22

Yo mama is
missing a finger and can't
count past nine.

Jokes number : 21

Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in
stereo.

Jokes number : 20

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a
cordless
phone.

Jokes number : 19

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to
have
license plates!

Jokes number : 18

Yo mama hair so short when she braided it

they looked like stiches.

Jokes number : 17

Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from

the weight!

Jokes number : 16

Yo mama nose so big she makes
Pinochio
look like a cat!

Jokes number : 15

Yo mama house so small you have
to go
outside to change your mind.

Jokes number : 14

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a
large
pizza she had to go outside to eat it.

Jokes number : 13

Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see

into the future.

Jokes number : 12

Yo mama's glasses are so thick
that when
she looks on a map she can see people waving.

Jokes number : 11

Yo mama teeth are so yellow
traffic slows
down when she smiles!

Jokes number : 10

Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.

Jokes number : 9

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her

shirts.

Jokes number : 8

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in

Roman numerals.

Jokes number : 7

Yo mama so old she ran track with
dinosaurs.

Jokes number : 6

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he
was still a
prince.

Jokes number : 5

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says
expired on
it.

Jokes number : 4

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses

in her yearbook.

Jokes number : 3

Yo mama so old that when she was in school

there was no history class.

Jokes number : 2

Yo mama so old her social security number is
1!

Jokes number : 1

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age,
and she
died.

Jokes number : 100

Yo mama so ugly that
your father takes
her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss
her goodbye.

Jokes number : 99

Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for
life

Jokes number : 98

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to

stone!

Jokes number : 97

Yo mama
so ugly for Halloween she trick
or treats on the phone!

Jokes number : 96

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't
talk to her!

Jokes number : 95

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the
water jumped
out!

Jokes number : 94

Yo
mama so ugly when they took her to the
beautician it took 12 hours. .
.for a quote!

Jokes number : 93

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Jokes number : 92

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the

street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

Jokes number : 91

Yo mama
so ugly when she walks down the
street in September, people say "Wow,
is it Halloween already?"

Jokes number : 90

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to
tie a
steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Jokes number : 89

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank,

they turn off the surveillence cameras

Jokes number : 88

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to

dress up for Halloween.

Jokes number : 87

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee

cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Jokes number : 86

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a
costume when she
tried out for Star Wars.

Jokes number : 85

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her

mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go

bury it."

Jokes number : 84

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly
contest, they said
"Sorry, no professionals."

Jokes number : 83

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the

bed.

Jokes number : 82

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the

curb.

Jokes number : 81

Yo mama so short she has to use a
ladder
to pick up a dime.

Jokes number : 80

Yo mama
so short she poses for
trophies!

Jokes number : 79

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Jokes number : 78

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and

was marked absent!

Jokes number : 77

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and
was marked
absent!

Jokes number : 76

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and
was
marked absent!

Jokes number : 75

Yo
mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on
her weave so now everybody calls
her Hair Jordan.

Jokes number : 74

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her
picture!

Jokes number : 73

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and

got brain-washed.

Jokes number : 72

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her
mind

Jokes number : 71

Yo mama so bald even a wig
wouldn't
help!

Jokes number : 70

Yo mama so tall she tripped in
Michigan
and hit her head in Florida.

Jokes number : 69

Yo mama so tall she tripped over
a rock
and hit her head on the moon.

Jokes number : 68

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle

stick and calls it air conditioning.

Jokes number : 67

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a
lightbulb? A:
Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time
the bulb burned
out and the date it was bought, one to decide
who's fault it is the bulb
burned out and ask why that brand was chosen
in the first place, ten to
decide to remodel the house as long as
they're changing the bulb

Jokes number : 66

Q: How many Virgos does it take to
change a
lightbulb? A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1

millionth.

Jokes number : 65

Q:
How many Taureans does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans
don't like to change anything.

Jokes number : 64

Q: How many Taureans
does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: One, but just *try* to convince
them that the burnt
out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Jokes number : 63

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.

They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

Jokes number : 62

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: So who
wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are
you a cop?

Jokes number : 61

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only
with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient
Hierarchical
Order.

Jokes number : 60

Q: How
many Scorpios does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: None - they'd
rather sit in the dark.

Jokes number : 59

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change
a
lightbulb? A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?

Jokes number : 58

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change

a lightbulb? A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid
burned out light bulb?

Jokes number : 57

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change
a
lightbulb? A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room
long enough
for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Jokes number : 56

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Lightbulb?
What lightbulb?

Jokes number : 55

Q: How many
Pisceans does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Huh? The light's
out?

Jokes number : 54

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to
change
a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.

Jokes number : 53

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make
that
two. Is that okay with you?

Jokes number : 52

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the
dark?

Jokes number : 51

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Well
gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on
the bulb and where it
burned out. It might perhaps take just one if
it's just an ordinary
bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't
know where to find a new light
bulb, or perhaps ...

Jokes number : 50

Q: How many Leos does it take to
change a
lightbulb? A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although
sometimes
their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're

out.

Jokes number : 49

Q: How
many Leos does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: None: Leos are so
enthusiastic they carry their own
light.

Jokes number : 48

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.

Jokes number : 47

Q: How many
Geminis does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an
Internet link and a
copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing
Lightbulbs."

Jokes number : 46

Q: How many Geminis
does it take to change
a lightbulb? A: Two (of course) but it will take
all week and when
they're done the light bulb will do your homework,
speak French
and shine any colour you want from it.

Jokes number : 45

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a
lightbulb? A: Two,
but the job never gets done --- they just keep
arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be
done!

Jokes number : 44

Q:
How many Capricorns does it take to
change a lightbulb? A: None: Why
should I bother? It's probably just
going to burn out again tomorrow
anyway.

Jokes number : 43

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Jokes number : 42

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a
lightbulb? A:
None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs ---
unless they're a
legitimate business expense.

Jokes number : 41

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with
the
problem.

Jokes number : 40

Q: How many Cancerians does
it take to
change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a
non-disposable
diaper too!

Jokes number : 39

Q: How many Cancerians does it take
to
change a lightbulb? A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three
years
to help them through the grief process.

Jokes number : 38

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a

lightbulb? A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop

asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally
sick and
tired of you asking me questions.

Jokes number : 37

Boy: Do you have fever?

Girl: No,
why?

Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

Jokes number : 36

Smart man +
Smart Woman = Romance
Smart
Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb
Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Jokes number : 35

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman
without her
man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his
students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her
man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is
nothing."

Jokes number : 34

Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old,

ugly and poor man?
A: Stupid!

Jokes number : 33

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of
Real Men around to do
it.

Jokes number : 32

Q: Which is easier for a man to
leave: the
women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.

Jokes number : 31

What are the three fastest means of
communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Jokes number : 30

A man was walking on the beach one day
and
he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and

three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided,

"I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There
was the
car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I
wish I was
irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of

chocolates.

Jokes number : 29

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful

figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

Jokes number : 28

QUESTION: What is the difference between a

"Battery" and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

Jokes number : 27

OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.

Jokes number : 26

A young man called his mother and announced

excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
"Now what
should I do?"
His mother has an idea.
"Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a home
cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later
the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.
" I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted
on washing the
dishes."
" What's wrong with that?" asked his
mother.
" We hadn't started eating yet."

Jokes number : 25

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife
about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her
husband,
"when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it
when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied,
"That's a
miracle!"

Jokes number : 24

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was

working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone

call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a
short
conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I
just know
you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said. "No," young
woman
replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close
enough!" said
the trucker.

Jokes number : 23

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it
was mentioned
that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as
important as watching
food intake, one woman responded with surprise
that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a
factor. The only time I'm not
eating is when I'm sleeping!"

Jokes number : 22

Q: Why is a modem
better than a woman?

A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't

complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will

sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an
instruction
manual.

Jokes number : 21

Shortly after the birth
of their second
child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a
new dress. He
endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints
about which
figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the

dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her

husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to

say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look

smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips."
Just then,
a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a
dress here
that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

Jokes number : 20

One woman to another at a singles bar:
"I'm
not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days,
when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my
children
to spend every other weekend with?"

Jokes number : 19

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't
know
I'm not going to tell you."

Jokes number : 18

Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach
women how to walk on their hind legs.

Jokes number : 17

A
fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night asks his mother, "Mom,
why are wedding dresses
white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town

that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then
seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why
are wedding dresses
white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household

appliances come in white."

Jokes number : 16

Women are like guns,
keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Jokes number : 15

Women are like computers -- even your smallest
mistakes are
stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Jokes number : 14

What do you calll a woman that people sit on
?
Cher !

Jokes number : 13

Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my

girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three

or four weeks' time?

Jokes number : 12

Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women
?
Sister: Man-eating sharks.

Jokes number : 11

Why are women
such bad
drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the
bathroom.

Jokes number : 10

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats

not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Jokes number : 9

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

Jokes number : 8

Teacher: Who was the
first woman on earth?

Fred: I don't know, Sir.
Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has
something to do with an apple.
Fred: Granny Smith?

Jokes number : 7

Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are
stupid, but few are blind.

Jokes number : 6

What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.

Jokes number : 5

What Do you tell a woman with two black
eyes
?

Nothing, you told her twice.

Jokes number : 4

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35
children is enough.

Jokes number : 3

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

-
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Jokes number : 2

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes
through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!
No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had

it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"


For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the
plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and
built guy with jet
black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.

No one move
s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and

whispers: "Iron this."

Jokes number : 1

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled
across an old
lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.


The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is
the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one
wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to
visit?"

The genie laughed and said,
"That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much
concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to
think of another wish."


The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w
ives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment. I want to figure out
why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say
'nothing', and know how to make them truly
happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes
do you want on
that bridge?"

Jokes number : 100

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since
they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside."


They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the

men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without

hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second
floor reads, "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They
reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are
tall
and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there

nare still two floors left, they continue on up.

On the fourth
floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall
and
handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when
they
realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they
would be missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.

On the
fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men
here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

Jokes number : 99

A man inserted an advertisement in the

classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

- The next day
he received a hundred letters saying "You can have
mine."

Jokes number : 98

Why do men die before
their wives?

-
They want to.

Jokes number : 97

In the beginning, God created the earth and

rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.


- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Jokes number : 96

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

-
I said, "Dust!"

Jokes number : 95

Scientists have discovered a food
that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding
cake.

Jokes number : 94

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!


- I don't like to interrupt her.

Jokes number : 93

Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach?
A:
Sandwitch

Jokes number : 92

Did you hear about the TV show
with FBI
agents and witches?
It's called The Hex-Files.

Jokes number : 91

Did you hear about the witch who fed her pet

vulture on sawdust?
The vulture laid ten eggs and when they
hatched, nine chicks had wooden
legs and the tenth was a woodpecker.

Jokes number : 90

Did you hear
about the witch who went in for
the lovely legs competition?
She was beaten by the microphone
stand.

Jokes number : 89

What did the witch say to
the ugly toad?

I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!

Jokes number : 88

What did the young witch say to her mother
?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

Jokes number : 87

Who went into a witche's den and came out

alive ?
The witch !

Jokes number : 86

Why do witches have stiff joints ?
They get
broomatism !

Jokes number : 85

How do you know when you are in bed
with a
witch ?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !

Jokes number : 84

What is the witches motto ?
We came, we saw,
we conjured !

Jokes number : 83

What does a witch do if her broom is stolen

?
She calls the flying squad !

Jokes number : 82

What is the best way of stopping infection

from witch bites ?
Don't bite any witches !

Jokes number : 81

What is old and ugly and can see just as well

from both ends ?
A witch with a blindfold !

Jokes number : 80

What's the witches favourite pop group
?
Broomski Beat !

Jokes number : 79

How can you tell an Italian witch
from an
English one ?
By her suntan !

Jokes number : 78

Where did the witch get her
furniture
?
From the ideal gnome exhibition !

Jokes number : 77

What is a witch's favourite TV
show?
Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!

Jokes number : 76

Is it good to drink witch's brew?
Yes, it's
very newt tricious!

Jokes number : 75

Witch l: "How do you manage to stay in shape?"

Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."

Jokes number : 74

What would you get if you crossed a witch with a
famous
movie director?
Steven Spellberg!

Jokes number : 73

What does an Australian witch
ride on?
A
broomerang!

Jokes number : 72

Did you hear about the witch who
turned her
friend into an egg?
She kept trying to poach her ideas.

Jokes number : 71

How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance
?
'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'

Jokes number : 70

First witch: My, hasn't your little
girl
grown ?
Second witch: Yes, she's certainly gruesome.

Jokes number : 69

Witch: Why have you stopped playing cards

with my sister ?
Wizard: Well would you play with someone who cheats
all the time, is a
poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards
?
Witch: No I wouldn't.
Wizard: No, well nor will she.

Jokes number : 68

1st Witch: What's your new boyfriend
like
?
2nd Witch: He's mean, nasty, ugly, smelly and totally evil - but
he
has some bad points too !

Jokes number : 67

How does a witch make scrambled eggs ?
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with

fright !

'Owl be seeing you later.'

Jokes number : 66

Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a

broom? A: By witchful thinking.

Jokes number : 65

What did the young witch say to her
mother?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?

Jokes number : 64

What does a witch enjoy cooking
most?
Gnomelettes.

Jokes number : 63

How can you make a witch itch?
Take away her
"W."

Jokes number : 62

What do you call a witch that stays out all

night?
A fresh air freak.

Jokes number : 61

Why won't a witch wear a flat cap? Because

there's no point in it.

Jokes number : 60

What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a
minefield.

Jokes number : 59

What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?

A witch in soggy trainers.

Jokes number : 58

What do you call a witch with one leg?

Eileen.

Jokes number : 57

What do
you call a witch who climbs up
walls?
Ivy.

Jokes number : 56

Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?

So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.

Jokes number : 55

What did the doctor say to the witch in

hospital?
With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

Jokes number : 54

What has handles and flies?
A witch in a
garbage can.

Jokes number : 53

How do witches lose
weight?
They join
weight witches.

Jokes number : 52

What happens if you see twin witches?
You
won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.

Jokes number : 51

What's the favorite subject of young witches at

school?
Spelling.

Jokes number : 50

Why was the student witch so bad at
essays?

Because she couldn't spell properly.

Jokes number : 49

Have you heard about the goodweather
witch?

She's forecasting sunny spells.

Jokes number : 48

Why did the witch keep turning people into
Mickey
Mouse?
She was having Disney spells.

Jokes number : 47

What happened to the naughty little witch at

school?
She was ex-spelled.

Jokes number : 46

How do you get milk from a witch's cat?

Steal her saucer.

Jokes number : 45

What do you call two witches who share a

room?
Broom-mates.

Jokes number : 44

What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?
To
keep their hats pointed.

Jokes number : 43

What do you call a witch who
kills her
mother and father?
An orphan.

Jokes number : 42

Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me.

Do you tell lies?
Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.

Jokes number : 41

Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?

To keep her head warm.

Jokes number : 40

Q. What did the fog say to the light rain
after her
vacation?
A. I mist you.

Jokes number : 39

What are the hottest days during

summer?
Sun-days

Jokes number : 38

Q:What did the tornado say to the car?

A:('You wanna go for a spin?')

Jokes number : 37

What is hail
?
Hard boiled rain !

Jokes number : 36

It only rains twice a
year in Seattle:
August through April and May through July.

Jokes number : 35

Jill: How did you find
the weather on your
vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

Jokes number : 34

Q: What's the difference between a horse

and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Jokes number : 33

Q: What did the hurricane say to the other

hurricane?
A: I have my eye on you.

Jokes number : 32

Q: What
did the thermometer say to the
other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.

Jokes number : 31

Q. What's the
difference between
'weather' and 'climate'?
A. You can 't 'weather' a tree, but you can
'climate'!

Jokes number : 30

Q. What did one tornado say to the
other?

A. "Let's twist again, like we did last summer...."

Jokes number : 29

Two
weathermen each broke an arm and a leg
in an accident, and called from the
hospital about the four
casts.

Jokes number : 28

There is a Shreveport cable TV channel that

broadcasts the (live) video of the Shreveport radar and the audio of
the
NOAA weather radio station. When explaining why he knew he
should go
into meteorology, he said that when he was young, he would
sometimes
watch the channel even when there were no echoes, just for
fun.

Jokes number : 27

Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in
New
England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the
"pouring
rain." Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!

Jokes number : 26

During the month of
June and July. Here in
the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In
Fact people were
even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working
outside in
the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss
asked me
where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down .
He
said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how

come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my

mind.

Jokes number : 25

Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning

into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying

their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down
from
Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to
stop it.
The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence
across the
North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea
being, to stop that
cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed
wire they used was
strong enough, .but the real problem was that a
couple owners of farms on
the upper boarder kept leaving their gates
open.

Jokes number : 24

If you are standing in the main
street of
Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway

Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that

means it is about to rain.

Jokes number : 23

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in

fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

Jokes number : 22

The Michaels family owned a small farm in

Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had
been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and
Canada for
generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her
ninetieth
birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three
grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I
just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an
agreement with
the people in Washington. They've decided that our
land is really part
of the United States. We have the right to
approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?"


"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now

and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of

those Canadian winters!"

Jokes number : 21

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink
on the way home
from a long day in the studio?
The nearest
ISOBAR!!

Jokes number : 20

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with

sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was

completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A

silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the
only
remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue
squad rushed
to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting
there in the tub,
talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing
thing ... it was the most amazing thing."
she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the
rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did
was
pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly
drain
away."

Jokes number : 19

Why were the vets and pounds
mad?


It was raining cats and dogs

Jokes number : 18

What do freezing rain and cake icing have in

common?


Both are a glaze

Jokes number : 17

Which weather features do druggies like
most?


Highs

Jokes number : 16

Why is the sky not happy on clear
days?


It has the blues

Jokes number : 15

How does a male lightning bolt feel when he
notices an
attractive female lightning
bolt?


Thunderstruck

Jokes number : 14

What type of wind is named after a young
deer?


Foehn

Jokes number : 13

What type of wind is named after Santa

Claus's warm climate cousin?


Santa Ana

Jokes number : 12

What type of wind is named after both
a
cat and a bat?


Katabatic

Jokes number : 11

How can you tell if a tornado is
stupid?


-If it spins anti-cyclonically

Jokes number : 10

What cloud is so lazy because it will not get
up?


-Fog

Jokes number : 9

Why type of lightning likes to play
sports?


-Ball lightning

Jokes number : 8

Why was the lightning grilled on the
stove?


-To make heat lightning

Jokes number : 7

How do rain drops marry?


-They
coalesce

Jokes number : 6

How did the hail stone describe it's
life?


-It really has a lot of ups and downs

Jokes number : 5

What game do tornadoes like to
play?


-Twister

Jokes number : 4

What is a hurricane's favorite
pet?


-Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats

Jokes number : 3

What do lightning bolts do when they
laugh?


-They crack up

Jokes number : 2

Why did the updraft get pulled
over?


-It was speeding in a high shear zone

Jokes number : 1

What are hurricanes with a central dense
overcast over
the eye called?


-Hurricanes with cataracts

Jokes number : 100

How do
hurricanes see?


-With
one eye

Jokes number : 99

What did the
hail storm say to the
roof?


-Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary
sprinkles

Jokes number : 98

What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak

tree?


-Hang onto your bark, this will be no ordinary
spark

Jokes number : 97

What did the hurricane say to
the palm
tree?


-Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary
breeze

Jokes number : 96

Why do raindrops like lightning at
night?


-So they can see where they are going

Jokes number : 95

Why did the weather want
privacy?


-It was changing

Jokes number : 94

What type of sense of humor does a dust

storm have?


-A very dry sense of humor

Jokes number : 93

What type of sense of humor does rain
have?


-A very wet sense of humor

Jokes number : 92

Where do lightning bolts go on
dates?


-To cloud 9

Jokes number : 91

What is the most popular sport played by
raindrops and hail
stones?


-Diving

Jokes number : 90

What is the most popular game played by
tornadoes? -Catch my
drift

Jokes number : 89

The
Indians asked their Chief in autumn,
if the winter was going to be cold or
not. Not really knowing an
answer, the chief replies that the winter
was going to be cold and
that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be
prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and
called
the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be
cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to
be quite
cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his
people to collect
even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he
called the National Weather Service again, "Is it
going to be a
VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders
them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks
later he calls the National
Weather Service again: "Are you absol
utely sure, that the winter is
going to be very
cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like

crazy!"

Jokes number : 88

Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team

will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to

say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."

Jokes number : 87

A tornado walks into a bar and orders a

Hurricane. The bartender asks why he is ordering a Hurricane when he is a

tornado. The tornado responds with, "I am a hurricane induced

tornado".

Jokes number : 86

Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on

FOXNEWS?


-It is a no spin zone

Jokes number : 85

Why does frost not like to lay out in the
sun?


-It burns too easily

Jokes number : 84

How did the rainbow know is was
lost?


-It was a clear day

Jokes number : 83

What did the primary rainbow say to the

secondary rainbow?


-Your pants are on backwards

Jokes number : 82

What do hurricanes most like to eat for
dessert?


-Candy Canes

Jokes number : 81

What is the opposite of a
cold
front?


-A warm back

Jokes number : 80

How
is snow white?


-Pretty
good, according to the 7 dwarfs

Jokes number : 79

Why did the Aggie take a golf
club and a
baseball glove storm chasing with him?


-To golf the golf ball
size hail and catch the baseball size hail

Jokes number : 78

How is a hailstone like an
onion?


-They are both whitish and have layers

Jokes number : 77

Why do tornadoes move so
erratically?


-They are dizzy

Jokes number : 76

What type of music do lightning bolts listen
to?


-Rock and Roll

Jokes number : 75

How easy is it for
wind gusts to talk to
each other?


-It is a breeze

Jokes number : 74

Why can't meteorologists forecast the

weather?


-They are too busy studying comets and meteors

Jokes number : 73

Where is a tornado put in jail to be
punished?


-In a high pressure cell

Jokes number : 72

Why did the tornado get
arrested?


-For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder

Jokes number : 71

A weather intern walks into
a bar and asks
for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and
gusty cool
air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem
to get
back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice.
Suddenly
the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash

and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap

things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good
at
this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the
rocks.
This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail
stones but
ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar
violently and
break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at
this point he then
orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after
this request looks up at the guy perplexed and
says, "Sorry fella, we
have no Hurricanes in Kansas".

Jokes number : 70

In the summer desert heat, what did a dust
devil say
to the over-talkative dust devil?


-You are really
blowing a lot of hot air

Jokes number : 69

What do clouds want to be when they grow
up?


-Thunderstorms

Jokes number : 68

Where do wind gusts go to on
dates?


-To Chicago

Jokes number : 67

The U.S. has only three hurricane warning
centers
- Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently
completed). All
three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month.
Which only goes
to show: If you build it, they will come!

Jokes number : 66

I
really don't understand why the federal
government was so slow to send
aid to the areas hit by Hurricane
Andrew. After all, both Florida and
Louisiana have oil.

Jokes number : 65

It was so hot today I saw
a robin picking
earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

Jokes number : 64

What
happens when the fog lifts in
California? UCLA.

Jokes number : 63

How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can

see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.

Jokes number : 62

First cave man to 2nd cave
man: "I don't
care what you say. We never had such unusual weather
before they
started using bows and arrows."

Jokes number : 61

Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out
there?" Kate: "I
don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."

Jokes number : 60

Why did the lady go out
doors with her
purse open? Because she expected some change in the
weather.

Jokes number : 59

There's a technical term for a sunny, warm
day which
follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

Jokes number : 58

A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you

were beautiful.

Jokes number : 57

Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach
in the pouring
rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is
England. What's it
like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the
weather, you'll love
the food."

Jokes number : 56

There was a communist
named Rudolph. One
day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a
storm is
coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how
would you know?"
"Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear."

Jokes number : 55

Fred: I'm sure I'm right.
Betty: You're
as right as rain - all wet!

Jokes number : 54

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Fred
looking out of the kitchen
window.
"I know," said his
mother.
"I've just stepped in a poodle!"

Jokes number : 53

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual

morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.


"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.

"You must
park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said,
"Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they
were
sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast
was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today,
and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the
even numbered
side of the streets."

Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got
up from his coffee. Two days
later, again they're sitting down
with their cups of coffee and the
weather forecast said, "There will
be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a
snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the..."
and the power went out
and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned
to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena
replied, "Aw,
Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage
today."

Jokes number : 52

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the
twist !

Jokes number : 51

Why do hurricanes
travel so
fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them

slow-i-canes.

Jokes number : 50

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy
days?
Because then the children have to play inside.

Jokes number : 49

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody

believes?
The weatherman.

Jokes number : 48

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who

is most likely to get hit by lightning?
The conductor.

Jokes number : 47

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of
England carry on a
rainy day?
A wet one.

Jokes number : 46

What
person adds best in hot weather?
A
summer.

Jokes number : 45

Why is it so wet in Great Britain?
Because
of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.

Jokes number : 44

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather,

what does he raise in wet weather?
An umbrella.

Jokes number : 43

What is a Mexican weather report?
Chilli
today, hot tamale.

Jokes number : 42

What doesn't get any wetter no matter
how
much it rains?
The ocean

Jokes number : 41

If six children and two dogs were under
an
umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Because it wasn't
raining.

Jokes number : 40

A man was
driving a black truck. His
lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady
was crossing the
street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright, sunny day.

Jokes number : 39

A city boy was
on his first camping trip.
He was eating his lunch under a tree when an
old-timer came
along.
'It smells like rain,' he said to the boy.
The city boy
replied, 'They said it was lemonade.'

Jokes number : 38

How did you find the weather at camp?
It
was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

Jokes number : 37

Waiter, this coffee
tastes like
dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.

Jokes number : 36

Waiter! Waiter! This salad is
frozen
solid.
Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.

Jokes number : 35

CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?

WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.

Jokes number : 34

CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig
shake?

WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.

Jokes number : 33

CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler?

WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.

Jokes number : 32

"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare
you serve me this!
There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"

"My
apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch
manager."

Jokes number : 31

Sir you
haven't touched your
custard.
I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline
!

Jokes number : 30

Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my

starter !
I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet
!

Jokes number : 29

Waiter, there
is a frog in my soup
!
Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !

Jokes number : 28

Waiter, there is a
dead fly in my soup
!
No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !

Jokes number : 27

Waiter, what's this bug
doing waltzing
around my table !
It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune !

Jokes number : 26

Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my
salad?
Not him again, he's in here every night !

Jokes number : 25

Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup
!
Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean
!

Jokes number : 24

Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice
cream sundae ?
Skiing sir !

Jokes number : 23

Waiter, I can't eat this
meat, it's
crawling with maggots !
Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab
it as it goes by
!

Jokes number : 22

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Hold on
sir, I'll get the fly spray !

Jokes number : 21

Waiter, there is a bee in my
alphabet soup
!
Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters
too
!

Jokes number : 20

Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup
!
Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !

Jokes number : 19

Waiter, are there
snails on the menu
!
Yes sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen !

Jokes number : 18

Waiter, there's a fly in my
soup !
Yes,
it's the rotting meat that attracts them !

Jokes number : 17

Waiter, my lunch is talking to me !
Well you
did ask for a tongue sandwich !

Jokes number : 16

Waiter,
there is a fly in my soup !
Yes
sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor
!

Jokes number : 15

Waiter, there is a fly in my wine !
Well you
did ask for something with a little body in it!

Jokes number : 14

Waiter, there is a worm
on my plate
!
That's not a worm sir, it's your sausage ?

Jokes number : 13

Waiter, there is a
spider drowning in my
soup !
It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !

Jokes number : 12

Waiter, there is
a maggot in my soup
!
Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there !

Jokes number : 11

Waiter, there is a cockroach on my
steak
!
They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !

Jokes number : 10

Waiter, there's a fly in my custard !
I'll
fetch him a spoon sir !

Jokes number : 9

Waiter, is there soup on the menu ?
No,
madam I wiped it off !

Jokes number : 8

Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in
my
ice-cream !
Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early
in the
year !

Jokes number : 7

"Waiter !
Have you got frogs' legs ? "

"No, sir, I always walk this way"

Jokes number : 6

Q: How many Waiters does it
take to change
a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a
waiters eye

Jokes number : 5

Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on

that long order?
Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.

Jokes number : 4

Waiter: Why are you taking so long
to
order?
Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.

Jokes number : 3

Waiter: I'm
sorry to keep you waiting.
Your soup will be ready soon.
Customer: What bait are you using?

Jokes number : 2

Waiter: I'm sorry
I spilled a glass of
water on you.
Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.

Jokes number : 1

Waiter: If you know the
food here is so
lousy, why do you keep coming back?
Customer: It reminds me of my
ex-wife's cooking.

Jokes number : 100

Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain

today.
Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.

Jokes number : 99

Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider
in my
glass?
Waiter: It scares away the flies.

Jokes number : 98

Patron: This bread
is stale.
Waiter: It
wasn't last week.

Jokes number : 97

Patron: How come
this fly is swimming in my
soup?
Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.

Jokes number : 96

Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my
soup!
Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?

Jokes number : 95

Patron: Didn't you tell me the chef here

cooked for the late heads of Europe?
Waiter: Yes, and that's why
they are the late heads of
Europe.

Jokes number : 94

Diner: Why are the
waiters in here so
nasty?
Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.

Jokes number : 93

Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I
ordered?
Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

Jokes number : 92

Diner:
Waitress, the portions are getting
smaller.
Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the
restaurant
has been enlarged.

Jokes number : 91

Diner: Waiter, please
close the
window.
Waiter: Why, is there a draft?
Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off
the plate three times.

Jokes number : 90

Diner: May I please have a glass of
water?
Waiter: Why, are you thirsty?
Diner: No, I want to see if my neck
leaks.

Jokes number : 89

Diner: Could I have a glass
of
water?
Waiter: To drink?
Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.

Jokes number : 88

Customer: Why is this
sandwich half eaten?

Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.

Jokes number : 87

Customer: Why don't you have doggie
bags?
Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.

Jokes number : 86

Customer: Why don't you eat here,
waiter?
Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don't want to compound the

felony.

Jokes number : 85

Customer: Why doesn't your menu list
prices?
Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food
does.

Jokes number : 84

Customer: Why doesn't this
restaurant have
any specials?
Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.

Jokes number : 83

Customer: Why does your sign say
"Fine
Dining"?
Waiter: We can dream, can't we?

Jokes number : 82

Customer: What is this fly
doing in my
alphabet soup?
Waiter: Probably learning to read.

Jokes number : 81

Customer:
Waiter, this food is repeating on
me.
Waiter: Good, we love repeat business.

Jokes number : 80

Customer: Waiter, there's a button in my

salad.
Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.

Jokes number : 79

Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It's
nothing but skin and
bones.
Waiter: Would you like the feathers,
too?

Jokes number : 78

Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in
my
turtle soup.
Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got

together.

Jokes number : 77

Customer: Waiter, I
can't eat this
meal.
Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me.
Customer: I don't have
a fork.

Jokes number : 76

Customer: This fish
isn't as good as what
I ordered here last month.
Waiter: That's funny. It's from the
same fish.

Jokes number : 75

Customer: There's something wrong with my hot

dogs.
Waiter: Sorry, I'm a waiter, not a veterinarian.

Jokes number : 74

Customer: That crust on
the apple pie was
too tough.
Waiter: That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.

Jokes number : 73

Customer: I thought the
meals here were
supposed to be like mother used to make.
Waiter: They are. She
couldn't cook either.

Jokes number : 72

Customer: I didn't
order this.
Waiter:
I know, but your meal tastes worse.

Jokes number : 71

Customer: How long must I wait
for that
turtle soup I ordered?
Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.

Jokes number : 70

Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't

come in and closed you up?
Waiter: They're afraid to eat
here.

Jokes number : 69

Customer: Do you have
bacon and eggs on the
menu:
Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.

Jokes number : 68

Waiter,
waiter! There's a wasp in my
dessert.
So that's where they go to in the winter.

Jokes number : 67

"Waiter, waiter,there's a hand in my

soup."
"That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl."

Jokes number : 66

Waiter,
waiter, this lobster's only got
one claw.
It must have been in a fight, sir.
Then bring me the
winner.

Jokes number : 65

I say waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!

Jokes number : 64

Waiter, waiter! There's a mosquito in my

soup.
Don't worry sir, mosquitoes have very small appetites !

Jokes number : 63

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter: So laugh, sir.

Jokes number : 62

What will a monster eat in a restaurant?

The waiter.