Jokes number : 46

Mommy monster:
Don't eat that uranium.

Little monster: Why not?
Mommy monster: You'll get
atomic-ache.

Jokes number : 45

Little monster:
Mom, Mom, what's for tea?

Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.

Jokes number : 44

Little monster: Mom,
why can't we have
dustbins like everyone else?
Mother monster: Less talking, more
eating please.

Jokes number : 43

Little monster: Mom I've finished.
Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.

Jokes number : 42

MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you

not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone
else.

Jokes number : 41

FIRST MONSTER: I fancy
eating the city of
Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?
SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I
can't stand Chinese food.

Jokes number : 40

FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?

SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.

Jokes number : 39

What's the
hardest part of making monster
soup?
Stirring it.

Jokes number : 38

What do they have for lunch at Monster
School?
Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.

Jokes number : 37

What is a monster's favourite
drink?
Demonade.

Jokes number : 36

Monster: Where do fleas go in
winter?

Werewolf: Search me!

Jokes number : 35

Why did the monster go into hospital?
To
have his ghoul-stones removed.

Jokes number : 34

What did the monster say to his
psychiatrist?
'I feel abominable.'

Jokes number : 33

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice

to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she

hits you.

Jokes number : 32

What do you get if you cross a monster with a

flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.

Jokes number : 31

FIRST MONSTER: I'm going
to a party
tonight.
SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?
FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go
to the graveyard and dig out a few old
friends.

Jokes number : 30

Why is
the monsters' football pitch
wet?
Because the players keep dribbling on it.

Jokes number : 29

FRED: Your monster was
making a terrible
noise last night.
BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks
he can sing.

Jokes number : 28

FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I
counted
the rings under her eyes.
BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My
sister's tongue is so long, she can
lick an envelope after she's
posted it.

Jokes number : 27

What do you get if you cross a bird with a

monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!

Jokes number : 26

FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a
monster with
one hand.
SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't!
FIRST HUMAN BOY:
Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.

Jokes number : 25

How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
When it comes out in conversation.

Jokes number : 24

What is a monster's favourite society?
The
Consumers' Association.

Jokes number : 23

What's big and hairy and goes 'beep
beep'?
A monster in a traffic jam.

Jokes number : 22

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven

legs walked into a tailors shop.
'Quick!' shouted the tailor
to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free
Alterations" sign!'

Jokes number : 21

What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish
and ships.

Jokes number : 20

If storks bring
human babies, what bring
monster babies?
Cranes.

Jokes number : 19

A very tall monster with several arms and
legs, all of
different lengths, went into a tailor's shop.
'I'd
like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor.
'So would
I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'

Jokes number : 18

'Here's a good book,' said the
sales
assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster.
'How To Help Your Husband
Get Ahead.'
'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's
got two heads
already. . .'

Jokes number : 17

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To
see if blondes have more fun.

Jokes number : 16

What's big and ugly and drinks
out of the
wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

Jokes number : 15

Did you hear
about the monster with five
legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.

Jokes number : 14

What's the difference between a monster

and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.

Jokes number : 13

Where do space monsters live?
In far
distant terror-tory.

Jokes number : 12

Where do you find monster snails?
On the
end of monsters fingers.

Jokes number : 11

How do you stop a monster from
smelling?
Cut off his nose.

Jokes number : 10

What would you get if you crossed a monster

with a redcoat?
A bigger target.

Jokes number : 9

What did the monster say to the

Thanksgiving turkey?
"Pleased to eat you!"

Jokes number : 8

Why did the monster get a ticket at
Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!

Jokes number : 7

What would you get if you crossed a monster

with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!

Jokes number : 6

What monster plays the most April Fool's

jokes?
Prankenstein!

Jokes number : 5

How does a
monster begin a fairy
tale?
"Once upon a slime . . ."

Jokes number : 4

Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the

perfect guy."
Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes, he's a bad dream come
true!"

Jokes number : 3

Why is stupid monster
like a
jack-o'-lantern?
They both have empty heads.

Jokes number : 2

What do young female monsters do at parties
?
They go around looking for edible bachelors !

Jokes number : 1

First monster: That
pretty girl over there
just rolled her eyes at me.
Second monster: Well you'd better roll
them back to her, she might
need them.

Jokes number : 100

1st Monster: What is that son of
yours
doing these days ?
2nd Monster: He's at medical school.
1st
Monster: Oh, what's he studying ?
2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying
him!

Jokes number : 99

Why did the monster put the
cake in the
freezer?
Because he had been told to ice it.

Jokes number : 98

What's the difference between a dim monster
and a
birthday candle?
The candle is a thousand times
brighter!

Jokes number : 97

What does the hungry monster get after he's

eaten too much ice cream?
More ice cream!

Jokes number : 96

Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs
at
him?
Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.

Jokes number : 95

How do man-eating monsters count to a
thousand?
On their warts.

Jokes number : 94

The monster spent a fortune
on deodorants
before he found out that people didn't like him
anyway.

Jokes number : 93

What do you call
a huge, ugly, slobbering,
furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like ? he
can't hear you.

Jokes number : 92

First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's

hanging out.
Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your
necktie!

Jokes number : 91

What happens if a big hairy monster sits in

front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the film.

Jokes number : 90

What did Frankenstein's
monster say when
he was struck by lightning?
Thanks, I needed that.

Jokes number : 89

What does a monster mom say to her
kids at
dinnertime?
Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

Jokes number : 88

What do you do with a green monster?
Put
it in the sun until it ripens!

Jokes number : 87

How do you stop a monster digging up your

garden?
Take his spade away.

Jokes number : 86

What should you do if a monster runs

through your front door?
Run through the back door.

Jokes number : 85

What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has
sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.

Jokes number : 84

Mr Monster:
Oi, hurry up with my supper.

Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of

hands.

Jokes number : 83

On her annual visit to another planet,
an
old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this

spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin

steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

Jokes number : 82

What happened when the monster stole a bottle

of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.

Jokes number : 81

Why did the monster
take his nose apart?

To see what made it run.

Jokes number : 80

Did you hear about the Irish monster who went

to night school to learn to read in the dark?

Jokes number : 79

What do you get if you cross
a tall green
monster with a fountain pen?
The Ink-credible Hulk.

Jokes number : 78

Why was the monster standing on his head?

He was turning things over in his mind.

Jokes number : 77

Did you hear about the monster who had an

extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.

Jokes number : 76

What did the big, hairy monster do when he

lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.

Jokes number : 75

Did you hear about the
monster who lost
all his hair in the war?
He lost it in a hair raid.

Jokes number : 74

What makes an ideal present for
a monster?

Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.

Jokes number : 73

How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
Because it comes out in conversation

Jokes number : 72

Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three

headed mountain monster?
Girl: Really? What kind of fur?

Boy: As fur away as possible!

Jokes number : 71

What should you call a polite, friendly, kind,
good
looking monster?
A failure.

Jokes number : 70

How do you communicate with the Loch Ness

Monster at 20,000 fathoms?
Drop him a line.

Jokes number : 69

Where is the monster's temple?
On the
side of his head.

Jokes number : 68

What do you get if you cross a plum
with a
man eating monster?
A purple people eater.

Jokes number : 67

HWhy did the monster lie on his back?
To
trip up low-flying aircraft.

Jokes number : 66

Did you hear about the monster who had twelve
arms and
no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.

Jokes number : 65

How do you address a monster?
Very
politely.

Jokes number : 64

Did you hear the
joke about the two
monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.

Jokes number : 63

First monster: I
have a hunch.
Second
monster: I thought you were a funny shape.

Jokes number : 62

Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I

leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your
supper.

Jokes number : 61

What kind of monster can sit on the end of
your finger?
The bogeyman.

Jokes number : 60

On which day do monsters eat people?

Chewsday.

Jokes number : 59

How did the monster cure his sore throat?

He spent all day gargoyling.

Jokes number : 58

What does a monster do when he loses his head?

He calls a head hunter.

Jokes number : 57

What do you call a monster with two wooden

heads?
Edward Woodward.

Jokes number : 56

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?

If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

Jokes number : 55

What does a polite monster say when he meets
you for the
first time?
Pleased to eat you!

Jokes number : 54

What do you call a monster with a
wooden
head?
Edward.

Jokes number : 53

Why did the monster stop playing with his
brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.

Jokes number : 52

What do you call a mouse that can pick up a

monster?
Sir.

Jokes number : 51

Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein
invented
the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most
striking achievements.

Jokes number : 50

What
happened when Dr Frankenstein
swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.

Jokes number : 49

Igor: Only
this morning Dr Frankenstein
completed another amazing operation. He
crossed an ostrich with a
centipede.
Dracula: And what did he get?
Igor: We don't know - we
haven't managed to catch it yet.

Jokes number : 48

Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest

invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50
per
cent aspirin.
Igor: But what's it for?
Dr Frankenstein:
For monsters with splitting headaches.

Jokes number : 47

What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son?

He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent
contributor
to Madame Tussaud's.

Jokes number : 46

What does Frankenstein's monster call a
screwdriver?
Daddy.

Jokes number : 45

What happened to Frankenstein's monster on

the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled
for six
months.

Jokes number : 44

Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when
suddenly
through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope
round his
neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you
doing here?"
The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this
morning so now I've
come to meet my maker."

Jokes number : 43

How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built

his monster?
On a piece rate.

Jokes number : 42

Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to

death?
He had a crush on her.

Jokes number : 41

Q:Why did the man put
his money in the
freezer?
A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')

Jokes number : 40

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband
told
his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally got enough
money to buy what we started saving
for in 1979."
"You mean a
brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a
1979 Cadillac."

Jokes number : 39

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment

banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He's so happy that
he's giving some serious thought to paying back
his student loan.

Jokes number : 38

Q: What do you call
counterfeited German
currency?
A: Question marks.

Jokes number : 37

Why was the struggling
mange seen shaking
the club cat ?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

Jokes number : 36

Mother:
Why did you just swallow the money I
gave you ?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !

Jokes number : 35

A couple was having a
discussion about
family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it
weren't for my
money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied,
"My dear, if
it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

Jokes number : 34

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and

asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"What's the
problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked
me how much
I was willing to spend on her education."

Jokes number : 33

What did the pay
phone say when the quarter
got stuck inside it?
Money's tight these days!

Jokes number : 32

How do thunderstorms invest their
money?


-In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

Jokes number : 31

What is the quickest way to double your money
?
Fold it in half !

Jokes number : 30

Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in
your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose
your
money.

Jokes number : 29

Why is someone who borrows money but does not

pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives
you a quarter back and sometimes a half
back.

Jokes number : 28

What dog has
money?
A bloodhound, because
he is always picking up scents (cents).

Jokes number : 27

If George Washington were
alive today, why
couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a
dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.

Jokes number : 26

Why was the skunk arrested for

counterfeiting?
Because he gave out bad scents (cents).

Jokes number : 25

Who makes a million dollars a day?
Someone
who works in a mint.

Jokes number : 24

If you had a million dollars and gave away one

quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much
would
you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Jokes number : 23

How did rich people
get their money?
They
were calm and collected.

Jokes number : 22

Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new
one?
An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.

Jokes number : 21

What lands as often on its tail as it does its
head?
A penny.

Jokes number : 20

If you take half from
a half dollar, what do
you have?
A dollar.

Jokes number : 19

How can you be sure you have counterfeit
money?
If it's a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

Jokes number : 18

Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because
money talks.

Jokes number : 17

Why did the hippie put his money in the

refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.

Jokes number : 16

Where do trees keep their money?
In branch
banks.

Jokes number : 15

Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy
banks.

Jokes number : 14

Where do Eskimos keep their money?
In
snowbanks.

Jokes number : 13

How can
you make money fast?
Glue it to
the floor.

Jokes number : 12

Why is a cat like a penny?
Because it has a
head on one side and a tail on the other.

Jokes number : 11

When does a female deer need money?
When she
doesn't have a buck.

Jokes number : 10

How can you get rich by
eating?
Eat
fortune cookies.

Jokes number : 9

Why did the man throw away all the new pennies

he had?
Because they were a nuisance (new cents).

Jokes number : 8

Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it

used to be?
Because the dimes (times) have changed.

Jokes number : 7

Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four
quarters.

Jokes number : 6

Why are diapers like $10 bills?
Because you
have to change them.

Jokes number : 5

What kind of money do monsters use?
Weirdo
(weird dough).

Jokes number : 4

How can you double your money?
Look at it in
a mirror.

Jokes number : 3

Where can you always find money?
In the
dictionary.

Jokes number : 2

What did the man do when he got a big gas

bill?
He exploded.

Jokes number : 1

If you want to get
rich, why should you keep
your mouth shut?
Because silence is golden.

Jokes number : 100

Two men were boasting to each other about
their
old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,"
declared one, "that when they
presented arms all you could hear was
slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my
company presented arms
you'd just hear slap, slap,
jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other

offhand, "just our medals."

Jokes number : 99

The chief of staff of the US Air
Force
decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting
crisis
affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force

base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be

invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new
F-15 Fighter, a pair
of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine
Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The
chief of staff walked up to
them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what
skills can you
bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks
at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited,
turns to his aide and says, "Get him in
today, all the paper work
done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second
young man and asked, "What s
kills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I
chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood
choppers in the Air
Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I
chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening
to me, we
don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"


"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of
course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man
rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it
before he can
pile it!"