What's black, hairy, and writes
under
water?
A ball-point gorilla!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Jokes number : 53
What's black, brown and white, black, brown
and white, brown and
white, etc.?
A Gorilla riding down a
snowbank!
and white, brown and
white, etc.?
A Gorilla riding down a
snowbank!
Jokes number : 52
What would happen if you crossed Magilla
Gorilla with a Saint Bernard?
It would drink the brandy it would
carry and act like a big
Gorilla!
Gorilla with a Saint Bernard?
It would drink the brandy it would
carry and act like a big
Gorilla!
Jokes number : 48
What happens if you cross an Ape with an
octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
Jokes number : 47
What happens if you cross
a parrot with a
Gorilla?
Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd
listen!
a parrot with a
Gorilla?
Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd
listen!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Jokes number : 46
What happened when the Ape won
the door
prize?
He didn't take it - he already had a door!
the door
prize?
He didn't take it - he already had a door!
Jokes number : 44
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a
pretty
girl?
I can't help it - she brings out the beast in
me!
pretty
girl?
I can't help it - she brings out the beast in
me!
Jokes number : 39
What did the great Ape
shout to the pilots
who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper?
Listen, hotshots, don't
monkey around with me!
shout to the pilots
who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper?
Listen, hotshots, don't
monkey around with me!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Jokes number : 38
What did the great Ape say as he plummeted
from the
skyscraper?
Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
from the
skyscraper?
Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
Jokes number : 35
What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a
gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?
Paul,
stop monkeying around!
gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?
Paul,
stop monkeying around!
Jokes number : 32
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in
a bedroom, what do you
have?
A very large bedroom.
a bedroom, what do you
have?
A very large bedroom.
Jokes number : 31
If George
Raft's wife gave birth to twin
Gorillas, would they be the Apes of
Raft?
Raft's wife gave birth to twin
Gorillas, would they be the Apes of
Raft?
Friday, October 28, 2011
Jokes number : 30
How does a Gorilla become another
animal?
When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the
big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
animal?
When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the
big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
Jokes number : 29
How do you stop a
thundering herd of
Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
thundering herd of
Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
Jokes number : 28
How do you prepare a Gorilla
sundae?
Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
sundae?
Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Jokes number : 25
How do you make a Gorilla float?
Two scoops
of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
Two scoops
of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
Jokes number : 24
How do we know that Apes are
like fish
after a rainstorm?
They'll both bite at anything!
like fish
after a rainstorm?
They'll both bite at anything!
Jokes number : 23
How did the obscene telephone caller get
attacked by the Gorilla?
He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
attacked by the Gorilla?
He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Jokes number : 22
How did the dog warn its master that a
Gorilla was approaching?
He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
Gorilla was approaching?
He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
Jokes number : 19
How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington
at Valley Forge?
He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants
You!'
at Valley Forge?
He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants
You!'
Jokes number : 18
How come the giant Ape climbed up
the side
of the skyscraper?
The elevator was broken!
the side
of the skyscraper?
The elevator was broken!
Jokes number : 15
Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a
race?
A. Because all his friends shout, "GO-RILLA!"
race?
A. Because all his friends shout, "GO-RILLA!"
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Jokes number : 14
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get
into
a car?-
They boo-kle their seatbelts
into
a car?-
They boo-kle their seatbelts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Jokes number : 1
Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always
running after the ghost of Henry VIII ?
She was trying to get ahead !
running after the ghost of Henry VIII ?
She was trying to get ahead !
Jokes number : 99
What did the mother ghost tell
the kid ghost
when he went out to play?
"Don't get your sheets dirty!"
the kid ghost
when he went out to play?
"Don't get your sheets dirty!"
Monday, October 24, 2011
Jokes number : 98
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get
into a
car?
They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.
into a
car?
They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Jokes number : 90
Student l: "Did
you know that ghosts are
protected by the Constitution?"
Student 2: "They are?"
Student 1:
"Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!"
you know that ghosts are
protected by the Constitution?"
Student 2: "They are?"
Student 1:
"Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!"
Jokes number : 89
Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
Jokes number : 85
Q: What directions did the
ghost give the
goblin? A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
ghost give the
goblin? A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Jokes number : 83
One night, after closing time a
barman is
sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral
hound
floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool
kind of guy, asks "yeah, what do you want?". The phantom hound
explains, in a haunting voice "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest
until
a kindly barman stitches it back-on". At this request the barman
stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but
we
don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".
barman is
sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral
hound
floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool
kind of guy, asks "yeah, what do you want?". The phantom hound
explains, in a haunting voice "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest
until
a kindly barman stitches it back-on". At this request the barman
stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but
we
don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Jokes number : 82
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for
rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
Jokes number : 75
What did the mother ghost say to the naughty
baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to.
baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Jokes number : 71
Ghost: Are you coming to my party?
Spook:
Where is it?
Ghost: In the morgue - you know what they say, the
morgue the
merrier.
Spook:
Where is it?
Ghost: In the morgue - you know what they say, the
morgue the
merrier.
Jokes number : 70
A butler came running into his important
master's
office.
"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What
shall I do with
him?" Without looking up from his work the master
said, "Tell him I
can't see him."
master's
office.
"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What
shall I do with
him?" Without looking up from his work the master
said, "Tell him I
can't see him."
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Jokes number : 65
Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated
into
my room!
Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing
through.
into
my room!
Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing
through.
Jokes number : 63
What do you get is you cross a ghost with a
packet of potato chips?
Snacks that go crunch in the night.
packet of potato chips?
Snacks that go crunch in the night.
Jokes number : 60
A man was staying in a big old
house and in
the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said,
"I have
been walking these corridors for 300 years."
The man said, "in that
case, can you tell me the way to the
toilet?"
house and in
the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said,
"I have
been walking these corridors for 300 years."
The man said, "in that
case, can you tell me the way to the
toilet?"
Jokes number : 59
Did you hear about the
ghost who enjoyed
doing housework?
He used to go round with the oooo-ver.
ghost who enjoyed
doing housework?
He used to go round with the oooo-ver.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Jokes number : 58
Did you hear about the ghost who learnt to
fly?
He was pleased to be back on terror-firma.
fly?
He was pleased to be back on terror-firma.
Jokes number : 54
What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at
his
local pub?
The landlord said "Sorry, we don't serve
spirits."
his
local pub?
The landlord said "Sorry, we don't serve
spirits."
Jokes number : 51
Once upon a time, a
beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said
to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an
evil witch
put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog
legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said
to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an
evil witch
put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog
legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Jokes number : 50
A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He
spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the
frog
what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand.
"What's
that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So,
Mr.
Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the
situation.
The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had
for the loan and
the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager,
"that's a
knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."
spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the
frog
what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand.
"What's
that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So,
Mr.
Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the
situation.
The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had
for the loan and
the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager,
"that's a
knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."
Jokes number : 46
Q: How did the frog cross the
road when a
truck was coming? A: SPLAT!!! He didn't.
road when a
truck was coming? A: SPLAT!!! He didn't.
Jokes number : 45
What do you get if you cross a frog with a
decathlete?
Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.
decathlete?
Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Jokes number : 39
Why didn't the female frog lay eggs ?
Because her husband spawned her affections !
Because her husband spawned her affections !
Jokes number : 35
Whats white on the outside, green on the inside
and comes with relish and onions ?
A hot frog !
and comes with relish and onions ?
A hot frog !
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Jokes number : 26
Where do frogs keep their treasure ?
In a
croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !
In a
croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !
Jokes number : 23
Why is a frog luckier
than a cat ?
Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine
times !
than a cat ?
Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine
times !
Jokes number : 22
Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants ?
They always want to play leap frog with him
They always want to play leap frog with him
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Jokes number : 100
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common
?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Jokes number : 94
Q: What did one strawberry say to the
other?
A:"Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
other?
A:"Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
Jokes number : 88
Several women were discussing what they should
have for
dinner. "If you're watching your weight," came one
suggestion,
"those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But
get two.
They're small."
have for
dinner. "If you're watching your weight," came one
suggestion,
"those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But
get two.
They're small."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Jokes number : 86
WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a
nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No
thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No
thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
Jokes number : 79
If there were no food left, what could people
do?
Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people
could
have their traffic jams.
do?
Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people
could
have their traffic jams.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Jokes number : 78
What could you do if you were on a
desert
island without food or water?
Open your watch: drink from the spring,
and eat the sand which is
(sandwiches) there.
desert
island without food or water?
Open your watch: drink from the spring,
and eat the sand which is
(sandwiches) there.
Jokes number : 73
How can you tell the
difference between a can
of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
difference between a can
of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
Jokes number : 72
Camper: There's
something wrong with my hot
dog.
Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
something wrong with my hot
dog.
Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
Jokes number : 71
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered
two
slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with
lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a
cherry on the top ?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the
girl, 'I'm on a diet !'
two
slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with
lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a
cherry on the top ?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the
girl, 'I'm on a diet !'
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Jokes number : 69
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown
one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big
father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her
into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big
father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her
into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Jokes number : 68
An elderly couple were killed in an
accident
and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts,
swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just
stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
accident
and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts,
swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just
stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Jokes number : 67
What did the female mushroom say
about the
male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
about the
male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
Jokes number : 64
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter
of a pound of ground beef?
A humburger.
of a pound of ground beef?
A humburger.
Jokes number : 63
Why did the teacher have
her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Jokes number : 62
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her
skin
had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her
lips like
cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a
fruit salad to me.
skin
had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her
lips like
cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a
fruit salad to me.
Jokes number : 61
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what
fruit
would it remind you of?
Pupil: A pear.
fruit
would it remind you of?
Pupil: A pear.
Jokes number : 59
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard
you the first time," came the reply.
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard
you the first time," came the reply.
Jokes number : 58
My brother's on a seafood
diet.
Really?
Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
diet.
Really?
Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
Jokes number : 57
What happens
if you play tabletennis with a
bad egg?
First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
if you play tabletennis with a
bad egg?
First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
Jokes number : 56
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after
egg from a little
boy's ear.
"There!" he said proudly. "I bet
your Mum can't produce eggs
without hens, can she?"
"Oh yes, she
can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
egg from a little
boy's ear.
"There!" he said proudly. "I bet
your Mum can't produce eggs
without hens, can she?"
"Oh yes, she
can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
Jokes number : 55
How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with
fright.
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with
fright.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Jokes number : 54
Three cookies were crossing the road when the
first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he
reached
the pavement in safety?
Crumbs!
first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he
reached
the pavement in safety?
Crumbs!
Jokes number : 53
What's the difference between a vampire
and
a cookie?
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
and
a cookie?
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
Jokes number : 52
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to
come
away from that cookie tin?
No more, mom. It's empty.
come
away from that cookie tin?
No more, mom. It's empty.
Jokes number : 51
An
irate woman burst into the baker's shop
and said, "I sent my son in for
two pounds of cookies this morning
but when I weighed them there was
only one pound. I suggest you
check your scales." The baker looked at
her calmly for a moment or two
and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you
weigh your son."
irate woman burst into the baker's shop
and said, "I sent my son in for
two pounds of cookies this morning
but when I weighed them there was
only one pound. I suggest you
check your scales." The baker looked at
her calmly for a moment or two
and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you
weigh your son."
Jokes number : 50
Boy: What's black, slimy,
with hairy legs
and eyes on stalks?
Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about
what's in the tin.
with hairy legs
and eyes on stalks?
Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about
what's in the tin.
Jokes number : 49
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help
me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every
time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a
bar of chocolate.
Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every
time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a
bar of chocolate.
Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
Jokes number : 48
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the
larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
Fred: I
don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other
one.
larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
Fred: I
don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other
one.
Jokes number : 47
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula:
Marshmallows,
chocolate fudge cake...
Marshmallows,
chocolate fudge cake...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Jokes number : 45
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch
today. .
Cook: There is.
Fred: No, there isn't. There's only
cheese pie.
Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
today. .
Cook: There is.
Fred: No, there isn't. There's only
cheese pie.
Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
Jokes number : 43
What did the snake say when he was offered a
piece of
cheese for dinner?
Thank you, I'll just have a
slither.
piece of
cheese for dinner?
Thank you, I'll just have a
slither.
Jokes number : 41
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones?
Mrs
Jones: Yes, very much.
Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't
have any taste.
Mrs
Jones: Yes, very much.
Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't
have any taste.
Jokes number : 40
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake.
Joe: It's a
bit tough.
Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the
chemist this
morning.
Joe: It's a
bit tough.
Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the
chemist this
morning.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Jokes number : 38
My Aunt Maud had so many candles
on her last
birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
on her last
birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
Jokes number : 37
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch
Doll?
Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
Doll?
Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
Jokes number : 35
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found
you
with your fingers in the butter again?
That's funny, Mom. I can't
remember either.
you
with your fingers in the butter again?
That's funny, Mom. I can't
remember either.
Jokes number : 33
And what's your name?" the
secretary asked
the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first
name's not Roland,"
smirked the secretary. "No, ma'am. It's
Brendan."
secretary asked
the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first
name's not Roland,"
smirked the secretary. "No, ma'am. It's
Brendan."
Jokes number : 32
How do you know that a elephant's been in the
fridge?
There are foot prints in the butter. "
fridge?
There are foot prints in the butter. "
Monday, October 3, 2011
Jokes number : 30
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so
fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
we running so
fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
Jokes number : 29
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
we running so fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
Jokes number : 27
Why can't you make bread like my mother?
I
would if you could make dough like your father!
I
would if you could make dough like your father!
Jokes number : 24
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to
instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a
well brought girl never crumbles her bread or
rolls in her soup.
instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a
well brought girl never crumbles her bread or
rolls in her soup.
Jokes number : 23
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
slice
of bread.
Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
slice
of bread.
Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Jokes number : 22
Why did your brother give up his job in the
biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
Jokes number : 18
What's the difference between a biscuit and a
monster?
You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big
to fit in
the cup.
monster?
You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big
to fit in
the cup.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Jokes number : 14
Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep.
I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite
!
I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite
!
Jokes number : 9
What's the difference between a homeless and a
pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
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