A mother was reading a book about animals to
her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child:
"Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother:
"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice
replied, "Bud."
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Jokes number : 47
Little Tim
was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing,
Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking
up.
"And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was
concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."
was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing,
Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking
up.
"And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was
concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."
Jokes number : 46
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man
playing chess with
his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe
what I'm seeing, a cat
that plays chess, what a clever animal!!"
The man replied "Nah lady
this cats not clever at all I'm beating it
6 games to 1"
playing chess with
his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe
what I'm seeing, a cat
that plays chess, what a clever animal!!"
The man replied "Nah lady
this cats not clever at all I'm beating it
6 games to 1"
Jokes number : 45
For all of you with teenagers or who have had
teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have
a lot
in common with cats:
- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when you call them by
name.
- No matter what
you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them
hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no
teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
- No
cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers
can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving,
barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o
n as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam outside
sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a
good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When
they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all
concerned.
teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have
a lot
in common with cats:
- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when you call them by
name.
- No matter what
you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them
hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no
teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
- No
cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers
can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving,
barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o
n as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam outside
sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a
good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When
they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all
concerned.
Jokes number : 44
A man is driving along in the Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill it up, will
you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right
out of petrol." So the man
considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?" And the attendant
responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant "Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?" The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres
!"
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill it up, will
you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right
out of petrol." So the man
considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?" And the attendant
responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant "Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?" The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres
!"
Jokes number : 43
One day there was a family driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother "Why dont these people
have electricity?" Very
confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking
about?" The girl quickly
replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!"
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother "Why dont these people
have electricity?" Very
confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking
about?" The girl quickly
replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!"
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Jokes number : 42
As a
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!"
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!"
Jokes number : 41
A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Jokes number : 40
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck
stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a
man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a
man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Jokes number : 39
When Abraham Liebowitz
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.
One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar
bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".
All of the kids called out their
guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but
still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice
said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!"
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.
One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar
bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".
All of the kids called out their
guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but
still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice
said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!"
Jokes number : 38
There was this man who was in a
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got
really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even
better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice
anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!'
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got
really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even
better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice
anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!'
Jokes number : 37
Several
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination."
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination."
Jokes number : 36
A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."
"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in
management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."
"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in
management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Jokes number : 35
These two construction workers always noticed
that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just
head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I
almost got caught by the boss."
that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just
head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I
almost got caught by the boss."
Friday, January 29, 2010
Jokes number : 32
Why was the cannibal expelled
from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
Jokes number : 31
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that
ate his
uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
ate his
uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
Jokes number : 27
Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York,
please.
Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not,
I'm in the
bus queue, aren't I?
please.
Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not,
I'm in the
bus queue, aren't I?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Jokes number : 25
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a
bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
Jokes number : 23
Do hamburgers make good vampires?
No, because
they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
No, because
they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
Jokes number : 19
Dan: My little brother is a
real
pain.
Nan: Things could be worse.
Dan: How?
Nan: He could be
twins !
real
pain.
Nan: Things could be worse.
Dan: How?
Nan: He could be
twins !
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Jokes number : 17
First Boy: Why is your brother
always flying off the handle
?
Second Boy: Because he's got a screw
loose !
always flying off the handle
?
Second Boy: Because he's got a screw
loose !
Jokes number : 16
A scoutmaster asked one of his
troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well,' said the Scout.
'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby
brother
have it.'
troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well,' said the Scout.
'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby
brother
have it.'
Jokes number : 15
So you are distantly related to the
family next door, are you?
Yes- their dog is our dog's
brother.
family next door, are you?
Yes- their dog is our dog's
brother.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Jokes number : 9
A person went into the
office kitchen one
morning and found a new blonde girl painting the
walls. She was
wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a
little strange, he asked her why she was wearing
them rather than
old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the
tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
office kitchen one
morning and found a new blonde girl painting the
walls. She was
wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a
little strange, he asked her why she was wearing
them rather than
old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the
tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
Jokes number : 8
A blonde was
walking down the road with a
healthy looking pig under her arm. As she
passed the bus stop,
someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied, "I won
her in a raffle!"
walking down the road with a
healthy looking pig under her arm. As she
passed the bus stop,
someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied, "I won
her in a raffle!"
Jokes number : 7
The assistant asked the blonde if she would
like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she
said, "I could never eat twelve!"
like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she
said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Jokes number : 6
A young ventriloquist is touring the
clubs
and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in
Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual
dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person,
because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination
against, not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of
humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed
and begins to apologize, when the
blonde yells, "You stay out of
this, mister! I'm talking to that
little idiot on your knee!"
clubs
and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in
Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual
dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person,
because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination
against, not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of
humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed
and begins to apologize, when the
blonde yells, "You stay out of
this, mister! I'm talking to that
little idiot on your knee!"
Jokes number : 5
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her
eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde
replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother
had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't
you go home for the
day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the
day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains,
"No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and
allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need
anything, just let me
know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde
crying hysterically. He rushes
out to her, and asks, "Are you going to
be okay? Is there anything I
can do to help?"
"No," re
plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she
said
that HER mom died too!"
eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde
replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother
had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't
you go home for the
day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the
day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains,
"No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and
allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need
anything, just let me
know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde
crying hysterically. He rushes
out to her, and asks, "Are you going to
be okay? Is there anything I
can do to help?"
"No," re
plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she
said
that HER mom died too!"
Jokes number : 4
There once was a blind man who decided to visit
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow,
these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is
big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he
decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer
and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to
the
right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't
flush!"
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow,
these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is
big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he
decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer
and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to
the
right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't
flush!"
Jokes number : 3
A blind man was describing his favorite sport,
parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done
for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing
eye dog and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring
for me and out I go with
the dog."
"But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense of
smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from
the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your
legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked. He
quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done
for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing
eye dog and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring
for me and out I go with
the dog."
"But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense of
smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from
the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your
legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked. He
quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
Monday, January 25, 2010
Jokes number : 2
A blind man walks into a store
with his
seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins
swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks,
"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking
around."
with his
seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins
swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks,
"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking
around."
Jokes number : 100
One day two blind men started
fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife."
Both men ran away.
fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife."
Both men ran away.
Jokes number : 99
First boy: Are you having a party for your
birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy:
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells.
birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy:
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells.
Jokes number : 98
Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No
teeth!'
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No
teeth!'
Jokes number : 97
Home - A -
Age Jokes
"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
new."
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.
How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?
An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'
Age Jokes
"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
new."
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.
How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?
An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'
Jokes number : 96
A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Jokes number : 95
A man asked his wife, "What would you most
like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten
again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!"
like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten
again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Jokes number : 91
David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."
David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the
chicken did?"
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."
David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the
chicken did?"
Jokes number : 90
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On
the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know
you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly
agrees.
On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You
get on top baby it might be
better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.
After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!"
the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know
you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly
agrees.
On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You
get on top baby it might be
better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.
After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!"
Jokes number : 89
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and
his Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about
you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a
party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
his Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about
you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a
party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
Jokes number : 88
A
biologist was interested in studying how
far bullfrogs can jump. He
brought a bullfrog into his laboratory,
set it down, and commanded, "Jump,
frog, jump!"
The frog jumped
across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in
his journal, "Frog
with four legs jumped eight feet."
Then
he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After
measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal,
"Frog
with two legs jumped three feet."
Next, the biologist cut off the
frog's back legs. Once more, he
shouted, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist
repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs -
lost its
hearing."
biologist was interested in studying how
far bullfrogs can jump. He
brought a bullfrog into his laboratory,
set it down, and commanded, "Jump,
frog, jump!"
The frog jumped
across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in
his journal, "Frog
with four legs jumped eight feet."
Then
he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After
measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal,
"Frog
with two legs jumped three feet."
Next, the biologist cut off the
frog's back legs. Once more, he
shouted, "Jump, frog,
jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist
repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs -
lost its
hearing."
Jokes number : 87
How do you eat a DNA
spaghetti?
With a
replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
spaghetti?
With a
replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Jokes number : 86
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and
asked his
mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the
slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought
you to us."
"Oh," said
the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought
us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy
persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by
now
starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy
handed in his paper to the teacher who read
with confusion the
opening sentence: "This report has been very
difficult to write due to
the fact that there hasn't been a natural
childbirth in my family
for three generations."
asked his
mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the
slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought
you to us."
"Oh," said
the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought
us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy
persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by
now
starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy
handed in his paper to the teacher who read
with confusion the
opening sentence: "This report has been very
difficult to write due to
the fact that there hasn't been a natural
childbirth in my family
for three generations."
Jokes number : 85
Two biologists are in the field following the
tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear
crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up
the
nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after
them. The
first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking
boots and pulls
a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.
The second biologist
gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the
world are you doing?"
He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close
to us, we'll jump down
and make a run for it."
The second
guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a
full-grown grizzly bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun
the bear, I only have to
outrun you!"
tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear
crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up
the
nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after
them. The
first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking
boots and pulls
a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.
The second biologist
gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the
world are you doing?"
He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close
to us, we'll jump down
and make a run for it."
The second
guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a
full-grown grizzly bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun
the bear, I only have to
outrun you!"
Jokes number : 84
My dog is a nuisance.
He chases everyone on
a bicycle.
What can I do?
Take his bike away.
He chases everyone on
a bicycle.
What can I do?
Take his bike away.
Jokes number : 83
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle
that
went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.
that
went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.
Jokes number : 82
"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle
your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym
teacher.
"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."
"I'm freewheeling, sir."
your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym
teacher.
"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."
"I'm freewheeling, sir."
Jokes number : 80
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his
bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the
man
had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the
guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a
look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the
bags, and proving they
contained nothing but sand, reloaded the
bags, put them on his shoulders
and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded
to
see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This
went on
every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the
sand bags
failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard
happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us
crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were
smuggling something across
the border. I won't say a word - but what is
it you were smu
ggling?" "Bicycles!"
bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the
man
had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the
guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a
look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the
bags, and proving they
contained nothing but sand, reloaded the
bags, put them on his shoulders
and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded
to
see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This
went on
every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the
sand bags
failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard
happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us
crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were
smuggling something across
the border. I won't say a word - but what is
it you were smu
ggling?" "Bicycles!"
Jokes number : 79
Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's
bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.
bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Jokes number : 74
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.
Jokes number : 72
Fred: What's
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!
Jokes number : 71
I'm not ugly. I could
marry anyone I
pleased!
But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
marry anyone I
pleased!
But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Jokes number : 70
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.
Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
Jokes number : 69
The plumber was working in a house when the lady of
the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while
you're having your lunch?"
"It's okay with me lady," said the
plumber, "as long as you don't
splash my sandwiches."
the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while
you're having your lunch?"
"It's okay with me lady," said the
plumber, "as long as you don't
splash my sandwiches."
Jokes number : 68
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your
bath, Mrs Soap?
Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the
bath there wasn't
room for medicine.
bath, Mrs Soap?
Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the
bath there wasn't
room for medicine.
Jokes number : 67
Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath.
Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before.
Boy: Yes,
but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot
water!
Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before.
Boy: Yes,
but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot
water!
Jokes number : 64
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Frozen Barbie on
a Stick ...in your grocer's frozen food section
Frozen Barbie on
a Stick ...in your grocer's frozen food section
Jokes number : 63
There is a new Barbie
doll on the market
- East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a
Ken doll
doll on the market
- East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a
Ken doll
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Jokes number : 62
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self
Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self
Jokes number : 61
There is a new
Barbie doll on the market
- Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head;
guillotine
included
Barbie doll on the market
- Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head;
guillotine
included
Jokes number : 60
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall
Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall
Jokes number : 59
One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to
each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy
their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The
American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to
each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy
their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The
American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
Jokes number : 58
A guy stumbles
through the
front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a
beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
I
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The
guy
swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the
guy comes flying through the side door of the
bar, and yells for a
beer.
Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't
serve
you...you've already had too much to drink!"
Ten
minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back
door
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but
you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God,
man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"
through the
front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a
beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
I
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The
guy
swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the
guy comes flying through the side door of the
bar, and yells for a
beer.
Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't
serve
you...you've already had too much to drink!"
Ten
minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back
door
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but
you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God,
man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"
Jokes number : 57
A man walks in to a bar and
says to the
bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt
scotch quick!"]
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks
them as fast as he
can.
The bartender says " Wow. I never
saw anybady drink that fast."
The man says " well you would drink
as fast as I do if you had what I
have."
The bartender says
" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"
The man looks at
him and says " Fifty cents."
says to the
bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt
scotch quick!"]
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks
them as fast as he
can.
The bartender says " Wow. I never
saw anybady drink that fast."
The man says " well you would drink
as fast as I do if you had what I
have."
The bartender says
" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"
The man looks at
him and says " Fifty cents."
Jokes number : 56
There were these three
brothers that were
very close to each other. The brothers always went to a
local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers
got married they all got married to their wifes to be
on the same
day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from
each other to go on with their lives
with their new wife, they all
promised each other that they would still
go to the bar every friday
at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the
brothers were separated, the first brother
went to a local bar and
ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the
first glass the took
one sip from the second glass then from the third.
He did this
until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and
went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally
asked
why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th
at he had with his
brothers. The bartender said that he thought
that was a very good
promise to keep with each other.
One day
the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer.
The
bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully
sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about
what the bartender was talking about
said "What happened to him?" The
bartender said that when he only
ordered two drinks instead of
three he thought that something awful had
happened.
The brother
then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just
decided to
give up alcohol."
brothers that were
very close to each other. The brothers always went to a
local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers
got married they all got married to their wifes to be
on the same
day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from
each other to go on with their lives
with their new wife, they all
promised each other that they would still
go to the bar every friday
at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the
brothers were separated, the first brother
went to a local bar and
ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the
first glass the took
one sip from the second glass then from the third.
He did this
until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and
went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally
asked
why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th
at he had with his
brothers. The bartender said that he thought
that was a very good
promise to keep with each other.
One day
the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer.
The
bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully
sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about
what the bartender was talking about
said "What happened to him?" The
bartender said that when he only
ordered two drinks instead of
three he thought that something awful had
happened.
The brother
then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just
decided to
give up alcohol."
Jokes number : 55
A drunk stammers out of a bar
and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm
Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm
Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into
the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm
Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm
Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into
the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Jokes number : 53
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby Owl.
Baby Owl who?
Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
Who's there?
Baby Owl.
Baby Owl who?
Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
Jokes number : 51
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest
baby in the
world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
baby in the
world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
Jokes number : 49
Mandy: Our teacher went on a
special banana
diet.
Andy: Did she lose weight?
Mandy: No, but she sure could
climb trees well!
special banana
diet.
Andy: Did she lose weight?
Mandy: No, but she sure could
climb trees well!
Jokes number : 48
Tom: What did the banana say to
the elephant?
Nick: I don't know.
Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
the elephant?
Nick: I don't know.
Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Jokes number : 44
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Jokes number : 43
A few days after Christmas, a
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
Jokes number : 42
Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE
in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
Jokes number : 41
Taxiing
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
Jokes number : 40
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to
the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"
the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"
Jokes number : 39
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's
eating
you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
eating
you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Jokes number : 37
Why didn't the two worms go
into Noah's ark
in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs !
into Noah's ark
in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Jokes number : 36
What did one
maggot say to the other who was
stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
maggot say to the other who was
stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
Jokes number : 35
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once
a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant
gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with
its
tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.
"If I
told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant
gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with
its
tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.
"If I
told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Jokes number : 28
A patient was at her doctor's office after
undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some
very grave
news for you. You only have six months to
live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor
replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?"
asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM
longer."
undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some
very grave
news for you. You only have six months to
live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor
replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?"
asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM
longer."
Jokes number : 27
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping
and goes to see
his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the
problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find
it."
and goes to see
his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the
problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find
it."
Jokes number : 26
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed
robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the
tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up
against
a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is
going on accountant number one jams something in
accountant number
two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
whispers, "What
is this?" to which accountant number one replies,
"it's that $50 I
owe you."
robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the
tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up
against
a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is
going on accountant number one jams something in
accountant number
two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
whispers, "What
is this?" to which accountant number one replies,
"it's that $50 I
owe you."
Jokes number : 25
An accountant visited the Natural History
museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."
museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."
Jokes number : 24
Why is it that when you transport
something by car, it's called
ship-ment but when you transport something
by ship it's called cargo?
something by car, it's called
ship-ment but when you transport something
by ship it's called cargo?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Jokes number : 19
Q: What goes VROOM,
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a
flashing red light.
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a
flashing red light.
Jokes number : 16
What is the difference between an aardvark and
a coyote?
One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!
a coyote?
One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Jokes number : 11
Redmond,
WA --Microsoft announced today
that the official release date for the
new operating system "Windows
2000" will be delayed until the second
quarter of 1901.
WA --Microsoft announced today
that the official release date for the
new operating system "Windows
2000" will be delayed until the second
quarter of 1901.
Jokes number : 10
This customer comes into
the computer
store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with
lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the
clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"
the computer
store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with
lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the
clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"
Jokes number : 9
A ragged individual stranded for several months
on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day
noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to
the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the
message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read,
"we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail
account."
on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day
noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to
the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the
message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read,
"we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail
account."
Jokes number : 8
What did the egg say to the
boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute
ago."
boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute
ago."
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Jokes number : 6
"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"
Jokes number : 5
The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
Jokes number : 4
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.
Jokes number : 2
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.
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